Helloooo Newman: Old farts are the worst

Helloooo Newman: Old farts are the worst: I decided a long time ago I don't want to live to be really old. Whenever I hear of someone who dies before 80, I think wow, what's ...

Old farts are the worst

I decided a long time ago I don't want to live to be really old.

Whenever I hear of someone who dies before 80, I think wow, what's their secret? Please tell me it's chicken wings and beer.

I want the full death experience so I'm thinking I'll hire a death coach. My life coach knows a good one. I tried calling him but his line is always dead.

I kinda wonder how death feels about being…death. I imagine he's thinking: "you know, I originally applied to be life. He gets all the girls. I get necrophilia. My worst days is when it's a life or death situation. Then I have to cooperate with life and we don't get along.

I'm buddies with taxes, though. Death and taxes, what a joke! I haven't paid taxes in eons."

Truth is, I'm really afraid of dying. Maybe I'll have some appointment when it happens so I won't be there. Chances are it will happen when I'm napping, since that's what I'm doing most at any given time. If I am awake, I hope it doesn't happen slowly, like as slow as the Finch LRT. I want it real quick, like the male reaching orgasm.

Anyway, those are my Christmas thoughts. Enjoy yours.

Enjoy your death. In the meantime, you might as well enjoy Christmas.

Helloooo Newman: Joining the big dump

Helloooo Newman: Joining the big dump: Republicans, feeling left out of the swamp, have approached Pam Bondi, pleading to be included in the Epstein files dump. Many are asking to...

Joining the big dump

Republicans, feeling left out of the swamp, have approached Pam Bondi, pleading to be included in the Epstein files dump.

Many are asking to be airbrushed into the photos, hoping to bask in the glory of the dirt, filth and lying that propelled them to office.

Mitch McConnell exclaimed, "I'm a dirty old man for sure. I may not remember anything but I can behave with the lowest of them."

Why does Clinton get all the attention?

Lauren Boebert claimed, "I was a Madame in grade school and really good at it."

More filth to come…

Helloooo Newman: Presidential Plaque

Helloooo Newman: Presidential Plaque: Donald Trump is extending his hall of plaques to the entire country. Dentists for Trump with carve "It's all Sleepy Joe's fault...

Presidential Plaque

Donald Trump is extending his hall of plaques to the entire country.

Dentists for Trump with carve "It's all Sleepy Joe's fault" in the plaque of every patient they treat.

This will be done free of charge, with money being diverted from life-saving treatments like cancer drugs and nuisance surgeries.

Helloooo Newman: Skip the what?

Helloooo Newman: Skip the what?: Archeologists have discovered that early cavemen actually started the company "Skip the Dishes", mostly because dishes didn't ...

Skip the what?

Archeologists have discovered that early cavemen actually started the company "Skip the Dishes", mostly because dishes didn't exist at the time.

Okay, it was actually a woman who started it, but the cavemen took all the credit.

Archeologists concluded that times haven't changed that much.

Helloooo Newman: A Black Christmas

Helloooo Newman: A Black Christmas: Katy Perry says she only wants one Christmas present from her boyfriend, Justin. A truly special present. Please hand out presents in blackf...

A Black Christmas

Katy Perry says she only wants one Christmas present from her boyfriend, Justin.

A truly special present.

Please hand out presents in blackface, honey.

No word on his plans.

Helloooo Newman: New pizza

Helloooo Newman: New pizza: I've created a new pizza you're gonna love. Brought to you by Minnesota Fats and Fats Domino. Minnesota Fats Domino's pizza. Piz...

New pizza

I've created a new pizza you're gonna love.

Brought to you by Minnesota Fats and Fats Domino.

Minnesota Fats Domino's pizza.

Pizza to get fat by.

Comes with a limited supply of Ozempic.

Perfect for family Xmas dinner.

Helloooo Newman: Out of the box

Helloooo Newman: Out of the box: I'm thinking out of the box this Christmas. So much so that none of my gifts will be put in boxes. So far out of the box that my gifts w...

Out of the box

I'm thinking out of the box this Christmas.

So much so that none of my gifts will be put in boxes.

So far out of the box that my gifts will stay in the store and people can pick them up themselves.

I'll reimburse. 

Helloooo Newman: Slow loses the race

Helloooo Newman: Slow loses the race: Had to rush my pet turtle to the vet. Took the Finch LRT. My turtle wouldn't shut up.  Christ! This is slow. Can we walk? We walked toge...

Slow loses the race

Had to rush my pet turtle to the vet.

Took the Finch LRT.

My turtle wouldn't shut up. 

Christ! This is slow. Can we walk?

We walked together.

He's fine.

Helloooo Newman: Made in Canada

Helloooo Newman: Made in Canada: With Carney in charge, Canada is on its way to becoming a superpower in energy and…canned food? That's right, folks. New on the Canadian...

Made in Canada

With Carney in charge, Canada is on its way to becoming a superpower in energy and…canned food?

That's right, folks. New on the Canadian market.

Chili con Carney.

Made in Canada with Canadian prices to match.

Only $5 a can. Oh, wait a minute…it's $10. Oops, just want up to $20. Oh man, now it's on sale for $50.

Check back tomorrow, folks. New price, new flavour, new smaller can.

Support the Canadian dream!