Helloooo Newman: Organic plastic?

Helloooo Newman: Organic plastic?: Here's an idea. Maybe, just maybe, when you buy an "organic" apple it shouldn't have a plastic sticker on it that goes in ...

Organic plastic?

Here's an idea.

Maybe, just maybe, when you buy an "organic" apple it shouldn't have a plastic sticker on it that goes in the garbage.

Just one of those fabulous ideas from Newman!

Helloooo Newman: Feeling congested?

Helloooo Newman: Feeling congested?: I had a chat with Toronto's Congestion Czar last week. I capitalize that because, well, he's a Czar. Turns out he had a cold and was...

Feeling congested?

I had a chat with Toronto's Congestion Czar last week. I capitalize that because, well, he's a Czar.

Turns out he had a cold and was all congested. How ironic, I said to him. He didn't see the irony.

"You know, just like the traffic. Congested."

Lots of phlegm noice.

Anyway, I don't mean to be so dismissive. He has some good ideas on the best way to get around Toronto given the ever-increasing number of cars, perpetual construction, a subway that doesn't open or can only stay running for 5 days before needing a fix, or is on fire, increasing Uber prices and more and more people getting stabbed or gunned down when they walk somewhere.

Some of his ideas for getting around efficiently are:

Stay home

Try another city, like Sal Paulo, population 5 billion

Map your trip out on Google Maps, then cancel the trip

If you're heading to Home Depot, cancel, as Olivia Chow suggested. This is one of the more clever-er ideas. By boycotting Home Depot, their business will go down, they'll lay people off, those unemployed people will stay home and boom, less traffic. I think that's called trickle-down unemployment. Kinda brilliant! Also skip the parade.

Don't wait for Ford, dig your own tunnel. Too bad you have to boycott Home Depot. There's a sale on Fisher-Price pails and shovels.

The number one suggestion is this: die, have your body put in a coffin, have a funeral, put the coffin in a hearse, join a long line of cars with a police escort. You'll sail along. I guess you could sneak in a trip to Home Depot as well.

Helloooo Newman: Life of a booger

Helloooo Newman: Life of a booger: The other day I was thinking how horrible a booger's life must be. Have you ever thought that? Having a dirty olfactory job 24/7.  Then ...

Life of a booger

The other day I was thinking how horrible a booger's life must be. Have you ever thought that?

Having a dirty olfactory job 24/7. 

Then you're picked out so easily and fired off into the distance. 

No severance. Just shame.

They don't even get the respect that, say, a fart often gets. They get to enter farting contests. A fart can be a winner. No one has a booger contest.

Just cast aside like so much of the body's garbage.

Next time, give your boogers a little attention. Some respect.

You'll be glad you did.

Helloooo Newman: My new band

Helloooo Newman: My new band: If you find the time, come watch my new band. It's called OCDC. We spend 2 hours positioning the equipment just perfectly on the stage a...

New TV

I got a new HD-TV.

Real cheap.

So cheap it's actually an ADHD-TV.

It forgets which channel you picked so plays all of them.

Helloooo Newman: Two. Two galaxies in one

Helloooo Newman: Two. Two galaxies in one: Astronomers have finally determined that there's actually only a 2% chance that the Andromeda galaxy will collide with ours in a billion...

Two. Two galaxies in one

Astronomers have finally determined that there's actually only a 2% chance that the Andromeda galaxy will collide with ours in a billion years.

Still, they advise that you learn to brace yourself. 

It could get hectic. Bolt down the furniture, invest in a few more airbags for your car and plan on some vases being toppled over. The good news is it wasn't your cat.

Helloooo Newman: Bankin on it

Helloooo Newman: Bankin on it: When I went to my bank machine today, up popped a message - pick your favourite transaction? Really? My all-time favourite? Gee, let me thin...

Bankin on it

When I went to my bank machine today, up popped a message - pick your favourite transaction?

Really? My all-time favourite?

Gee, let me think...

It's not withdrawing money to pay the mortgage!

It's not withdrawing money to buy a $50 chicken, $5 banana and $3 paper bag that rips.

So I guess it's...depositing money. Ya, that's it. Especially other people's money.

Got any?

Thanks for asking.

I'll be back when I have money to deposit.