Helloooo Newman: That's a No Vote for the Greene Party

Helloooo Newman: That's a No Vote for the Greene Party: I use to be vehemently against divorce. Then I heard Marjorie Taylor Greene's husband wants a divorce and I thought, ya I can relate to ...

That's a No Vote for the Greene Party

I use to be vehemently against divorce. Then I heard Marjorie Taylor Greene's husband wants a divorce and I thought, ya I can relate to that, makes a lot of sense. Now, in certain circumstances, I strongly encourage people to get divorced. I'll even help them with the legal fees. Yes, I'm willing to throw decades of Catholic ideology out the window. Thank God.

Helloooo Newman: Botoxic

Helloooo Newman: Botoxic:   It's amazing with all the botox Putin is on, he's still losing face in Ukraine

Botoxic

 

It's amazing with all the botox Putin is on, he's still losing face in Ukraine

Helloooo Newman: 60 Years On

Helloooo Newman: 60 Years On: Turning 60 soon. Feel pretty good. Not as big a deal as I thought.  Here's a recent picture of me engaging in one of the many sports I s...

60 Years On

Turning 60 soon. Feel pretty good. Not as big a deal as I thought. 

Here's a recent picture of me engaging in one of the many sports I still play.

Speaking of 60 years on, when do you think Elton John will actually finish his last concert?

Makes me feel old.

Helloooo Newman: Lavrov the Dog

Helloooo Newman: Lavrov the Dog:   Introducing Putin's lap dog. The public face of Russian killplomacy. I think he stores Putin's botox in his cheeks. He's a chi...

Lavrov the Dog

 

Introducing Putin's lap dog. The public face of Russian killplomacy.

I think he stores Putin's botox in his cheeks. He's a chipmunk for dictators and their youthful features.

Where did the mould for this face come from? Some weird Halloween store only in Tim Burton's imagination.

This guy's eyes couldn't get any closer if you put his head in a waffle iron? Hey, let's go to IHOP, I know someone in the kitchen. Scientists have declared him a cyclops. So has his eye doctor. Charges him half price. 

Forget being afraid of the draft in Russia. Imagine if this guy was a Petrushka doll. As he gets smaller and smaller, millions of Russian children get more and more damaged. 

Even though he's a murdering sow, there seems something avuncular about him. I mean, if your uncle was produced from the genes of Mr. Potato Head and Jay Leno. When I look at him, I think, ya, I guess Dog the Bounty Hunter does look like Grace Kelly when you compare them side by side.

And he is a bit like potatoes. So many interesting ways to present potatoes, so many interesting ways to torture civilians. Could be a Food Channel special.

Give him another dacha and he salivates.

Also, he's a mean guy.

Helloooo Newman: Priorities, Priorities

Helloooo Newman: Priorities, Priorities: Edward Snowden, hero to many for exposing the way the American government spies on its own people without telling them – a man full of scrup...

Priorities, Priorities

Edward Snowden, hero to many for exposing the way the American government spies on its own people without telling them – a man full of scruples – is now a citizen of Russia, who tortures children and women in order to subjugate a nation that Putin feels shouldn't exist, and spies on its own people, but tells them.

What a stand up guy. Would be a shame if he's sent to the Ukranian war front, being a Russian citizen in good standing and all.

Helloooo Newman: Dressing for Nuclear War

Helloooo Newman: Dressing for Nuclear War: I really think if Vlad is going to start a nuclear war he should put a shirt on. Show some respect for mass extermination. You know who desi...

Dressing for Nuclear War

I really think if Vlad is going to start a nuclear war he should put a shirt on.

Show some respect for mass extermination. You know who designed the Nazi uniforms? Hugo Boss. Now that's class.

And you can keep it khaki, Vlad. I suggest a nice linen, maybe with some metal buttons made from one of your blown out tanks. Linen breathes very nicely and it's gonna get hot once the bombs drop.

Definitely keep the sunglasses, dude. Perfect for that nuclear flash that's brighter than a thousand suns. You definitely don't look like one of those creepy voodoo dolls carved out of animal dung.

I think they say that only two things can survive a nuclear war. Cockroaches and Vlad's 6-pack. 

At least Vlad will have someone to hang out with that he has so much in common with.

Helloooo Newman: Lineup

Helloooo Newman: Lineup: I started lining up to see the Queen's coffin in a Costco cashier line. Kill 2 birds. Moving super slowly. But good for toilet paper for...

Lineup

I started lining up to see the Queen's coffin in a Costco cashier line. Kill 2 birds.

Moving super slowly. But good for toilet paper for a while.

Helloooo Newman: A Morning for Mourning

Helloooo Newman: A Morning for Mourning: We in Canada know full well how the death of a Royal can particularly effect our government workers, vulnerable as they are to the fall of K...

A Morning for Mourning

We in Canada know full well how the death of a Royal can particularly effect our government workers, vulnerable as they are to the fall of Kings and Queens. GOT was hugely popular here, you know.

That's why they get a paid day off for mourning, and you don't. All productive activities stop. Damn the important rules that keep society running like a well-oiled machine. It's time to get up in the mourning and preen for the Queen at her funeral – the TV version.

It also gives them a little time to be thankful for being grossly overpaid, pension benefits that align them with lesser Russian Oligarchs and the opportunity to enforce a myriad of labyrinth-like laws that normal people call hurdles to a productive life.

Hopefully they also think, hey that JT guy gave me a day off. Cool.

I weep with them.

Helloooo Newman: I Wish I was Special

Helloooo Newman: I Wish I was Special: I nominate Norman Bates as Special Master for Donald Trump.

I Wish I was Special

I nominate Norman Bates as Special Master for Donald Trump.

Helloooo Newman: Queen

Helloooo Newman: Queen: I loved the band Queen. To hear that they're no more is heartbreaking.

Queen

I loved the band Queen. To hear that they're no more is heartbreaking.