Helloooo Newman: Masked Dancer

Helloooo Newman: Masked Dancer:  The show The Masked Dancer will now be filmed on location on top of Rush Limbaugh's grave.

Masked Dancer

 The show The Masked Dancer will now be filmed on location on top of Rush Limbaugh's grave.

Open Letter to President Biden

Hey Mister President Biden. How's it goin', eh?

Yup. I'm Canadian. That's why I'm writing.

It's been just over a month and, oh boy, you are getting shit done. You've reversed a lot of the crap from what's his name, and I just read that you are on track to offer the vaccine to any American who wants it by April.

I understand you had your first convo with our leader, the kid with the beard. I bet he pleaded with you for some vaccine, am I right? You see, he didn't get the memo about 6 months ago that vaccines were quickly being developed and the best way to administer them is to actually have them around. It's part of his Canada Last plan, kind of the opposite of your plan.

I hope you set him straight. When you said the pipeline was being cancelled, he thought you meant the pipeline to getting vaccine, and he hates pipelines so naturally he was happy.

Tell you what. Our leader is busy in his cottage calling the Prime Minister of India, trying to bum some vaccine off of him. I'm not sure I would have done that, since he has 1.3 billion people to take care of. Canada's population fits in the average Indian mall.

Send the vaccine to my address. I'll make sure they get out pronto. That's my Trudeau Last policy.

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Apple

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Apple: Thank you, Apple. When I updated to your new OS, Catalina (a beautiful island off California) , I didn't really expect you to help me i...

Thank You, Apple

Thank you, Apple.

When I updated to your new OS, Catalina (a beautiful island off California), I didn't really expect you to help me increase my productivity. Did someone tell you that? I hope not, because the last thing I wanted was to increase the ease with which I can work.

No. Instead, I hoped you would take all my working files, the files that are part of my job and make me money, and bury them deep within 10,000 folders located somewhere in the digital Amazon Jungle.

I was really hoping that with this new OS I would open my hard drive and see no files whatsoever, causing me a heart attack, stroke, paralysis, psychosis, schizophrenia and insomnia.

It's like you read my mind. How did you do that?

Wait, don't tell me. Just keep up the good work.

Helloooo Newman: Body Talk

Helloooo Newman: Body Talk: Someday I hope my ears can have a convo with my head about how they grow so much hair so easily and quickly, while my head seems to have for...

Body Talk

Someday I hope my ears can have a convo with my head about how they grow so much hair so easily and quickly, while my head seems to have forgotten the skill.

I mean, they practically live on top of each other but aren't on speaking terms. Reminds me of the time I shared a bachelor apartment with my girl friend and we didn't speak for a week. And over such a small thing. Still, I was right. She was totally wrong. I couldn't believe how wrong she was. Maybe we'd still be together if only she could see how wrong she was.

Anyway, ya, the hair. No communication whatsoever. You'd think maybe my head could pick up some hair-growing tips from the ears via the brain. All my brain cares about is what's next on Netflix. Meanwhile, the top of my head looks like the Arid Asian Steppe with a few insects engorging themselves on epithelials. 

Still, that girl was so wrong. If only she realized that.

I'd be growing head hair.

Helloooo Newman: Cutting the Cord

Helloooo Newman: Cutting the Cord: Scientists believe that within 100 years the umbilical cord will disappear and babies will be wirelessly connected to the mother. They warn ...

Cutting the Cord

Scientists believe that within 100 years the umbilical cord will disappear and babies will be wirelessly connected to the mother. They warn to be careful, as too much ice cream and pickles will mess up your wifi signal.

Unfortunately, it will be another 200 years before the connection is 5G.

Helloooo Newman: Social Media is Butter Than I Thought

Helloooo Newman: Social Media is Butter Than I Thought: Award-winning butter sculpture I was starting to think that social media is annoying, overused, full of idiosyncratic junk, even toxic. Rece...

Social Media is Butter Than I Thought

Award-winning butter sculpture

I was starting to think that social media is annoying, overused, full of idiosyncratic junk, even toxic.

Recently I read that, using this powerful tool, many thousands of people have jointly discovered that their butter is harder than it use to be, at room temperature. Together they are searching for an explanation.

So then I thought, you know what? Not so fast, bucko. Social media does have its uses.

Helloooo Newman: Two Impeachments in One

Helloooo Newman: Two Impeachments in One:  Poor Democrats. Doing all the wrong things for the right reasons.

Two Impeachments in One

 Poor Democrats.

Doing all the wrong things for the right reasons.

Helloooo Newman: Brain Research

Helloooo Newman: Brain Research: Research has found a definitive connection between the brain and the gut. So that's why people called me shit for brains. I took it as a...

Brain Research

Research has found a definitive connection between the brain and the gut. So that's why people called me shit for brains. I took it as an insult.