Helloooo Newman: Hearing Test

Helloooo Newman: Hearing Test: I took a hearing test the other day. My doctor mentioned a bunch of books to me and I hadn't heard of any of them, so I failed the test....

Hearing Test

I took a hearing test the other day. My doctor mentioned a bunch of books to me and I hadn't heard of any of them, so I failed the test.

Helloooo Newman: Books

Helloooo Newman: Books: Recently I've been trying those books on paper. Have you tried those? They're amazing. Pages and everything. When you grab the page ...

Books

Recently I've been trying those books on paper. Have you tried those? They're amazing. Pages and everything. When you grab the page with your hand, it practically turns itself. When you shine a light on the pages, they light up.

Amazing stuff.

Helloooo Newman: The Donut Decision

Helloooo Newman: The Donut Decision: Coincidentally, when the scandal first hit I was sitting down to a nice donut. Justin Trudeau, in his efforts to glue Canada back togeth...

The Donut Decision

Coincidentally, when the scandal first hit I was sitting down to a nice donut.

Justin Trudeau, in his efforts to glue Canada back together, decided to buy some donuts. Local donuts. The kind of quality donuts that makes a nation great, and worth holding together. The kind of delicious donuts that spurs legends and literature. Didn't Margaret Atwood just come out with a new book about donuts?

What really irks me is that Mr. Trudeau didn't spell out his donut platform during the election. Why didn't he outline his penchant for elite donuts? Why didn't the CBC press him on his donut policy? Because they're the media arm of the Liberal party, that's why.

Clearly he should have stated his views on donut purchases. That way the media could have poked holes in his donut decisions.

What are Mr. Trudeau's views on other delicacies? Beats me. Does he prefer Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, which mimic the croissant, or will he take Canada down the path of the real McCoy French croissant, full of butter, fat and health care costs?

Stay tuned. The twats on Twitter will keep us informed.

Helloooo Newman: Your Problems

Helloooo Newman: Your Problems: You see the tiny dot in the middle of the circle in this photo? You know what that is? It's earth, as seen from the Voyager II spac...

Your Problems

You see the tiny dot in the middle of the circle on this photo? You know what that is?

It's earth, as seen from the Voyager II spacecraft when it passed near Pluto. Minuscule, isn't it? Insignificant.

So when you think your problems are really huge and unsolvable, just remember – they are. Much bigger than the earth.

Helloooo Newman: World View

Helloooo Newman: World View: I took a ride on the ISS and found my world view changed.

World View

I took a ride on the ISS and found my world view changed.

Helloooo Newman: Fireplace

Helloooo Newman: Fireplace: It's snowing in Toronto for the first time ever. Great day for the Fireplace channel.

Fireplace

It's snowing in Toronto for the first time ever. Great day for the Fireplace channel – in HD.

Helloooo Newman: Unlimited Data

Helloooo Newman: Unlimited Data: I asked God for unlimited data and he said, "Hey, no one lives forever except me."

Unlimited Data

I asked God for unlimited data and he said, "Hey, no one lives forever except me.
Also, you can't afford it."

Helloooo Newman: Toddler Jesus

Helloooo Newman: Toddler Jesus: Have you ever seen a painting of the toddler Jesus? Nope. Only adult and baby versions. That's a shame. I have so many questions. ...

Toddler Jesus

Have you ever seen a painting of the toddler Jesus?

Nope.

Only adult and baby versions.

That's a shame. I have so many questions.

How quickly did He progress as a toddler? Did he go straight from crawling to walking on water? I figure He must have practiced even a little bit. Started walking on puddles so He wouldn't drown. Maybe even a puddle of His own urine. Then onto the bathtub. Neighbours swimming pool.

It occurred to me maybe He tried walking on ice first, just to be safe. Probably fell in a few times but kept going. Then I remembered it was probably hard to find ice in Bethlehem. I doubt the Inn down the road had an ice machine back then.

You know when you're in a dessert and you see that optical illusion that looks like shimmering water on the sand? I bet you Jesus was fooled by that. "Hey, I'm a gonna walk on that water." Then He falls flat on His face. Poor Jesus.

That took His self-esteem down a few pegs. Got Him ready for the nailing to the cross and being dead for 3 days.

Still, overall a gifted dude.

Helloooo Newman: Cooter Candle

Helloooo Newman: Cooter Candle: Want to get a jump on this year's Christmas shopping? Consider the cooter candle:  https://www.insider.com/goop-candle-this-smells-lik...

The Cooter Candle

Want to get a jump on this year's Christmas shopping?

Consider the cooter candle: https://www.insider.com/goop-candle-this-smells-like-my-vagina-is-sold-out-2020-1

Penis-smelling matches (member matches - for members only) sold separately.

come on baby light my fire

Helloooo Newman: Victoria's Secret Gets Out

Helloooo Newman: Victoria's Secret Gets Out: There's so much pressure around Christmas. Getting the right gift. Cooking the right meal. I was really sad to hear this. Victoria&#39...

Victoria's Secret Gets Out

There's so much pressure around Christmas. Getting the right gift. Cooking the right meal.

I was really sad to hear this. Victoria's Secret Christmas sales are down.

https://www.syracuse.com/business/2019/02/victorias-secret-closing-53-stores-after-bad-christmas.html

Jeez, I take one Christmas off from shopping there and look what happens. I feel really bad. It's so much pressure. All those lost jobs. I can only wear so many different outfits.

Sorry Victoria. Mum's the word.

Helloooo Newman: Tongue Loss

Helloooo Newman: Tongue Loss: Do you snore? Relief is in sight. A new study on people with sleep apnea who snore found that these people have fat tongues, and this cont...

Tongue Loss

Do you snore? Relief is in sight.

A new study on people with sleep apnea who snore found that these people have fat tongues, and this contributes to their snoring. Just when you thought you looked good in that two piece bathing suit, everyone on the beach stares at your tongue. Oh man, it spills out of their mouth.

Get your tongue on diet and exercise.

Kind of a coincidence because one of my New Year resolutions is to do more pushups with my tongue. But it's so boring, and the floor tastes horrible.

I approached the YMCA with a new exercise class. It combines vigorous, carefully calibrated tongue movements with funky music.

Come and join the Tongue and Groove class.

10% off if you're in the middle of redoing your floors with tongue and groove wood.

Helloooo Newman: At the End of the Day

Helloooo Newman: At the End of the Day: The world is in a terrible place these days. So much violence, predictions of doom and gloom and human extinction. But at the end of the d...

At the End of the Day

The world is in a terrible place these days. So much violence, predictions of doom and gloom and human extinction.

But at the end of the day, you have to say to yourself, "I'm going to bed."

Helloooo Newman: Ten Billion

Helloooo Newman: Ten Billion: I'm compiling a list of the best 10 billion songs ever written. Stay tuned…

Ten Billion

I'm compiling a list of the best 10 billion songs ever written.

Stay tuned…

Helloooo Newman: Apple TV

Helloooo Newman: Apple TV: Apple TV is remaking Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs . It will be called iCloudy with a Chance of Upgrades.

Apple TV

Apple TV is remaking Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. It will be called iCloudy with a Chance of Upgrades.

Helloooo Newman: Toids

Helloooo Newman: Toids: If a planetoid is a small planet, I guess a hemorrhoid is a small hemorrh. I feel sorry for people that get hemorrhs.

Toids

If a planetoid is a small planet, I guess a hemorrhoid is a small hemorrh.

I feel sorry for people that get hemorrhs.

Helloooo Newman: A New Stage of Human Development

Helloooo Newman: A New Stage of Human Development: Developmental psychologists have discovered a new stage of human development. We're all familiar with the developmental stage called o...

A New Stage of Human Development

Developmental psychologists have discovered a new stage of human development.

We're all familiar with the developmental stage called object permanence. This occurs at age 4-7 months. Babies learn that an object keeps existing, even if it's hidden from view. So when daddy tries to hide his sex doll from mommy, the baby knows the doll is still there but, thankfully, can't tell mommy. Also, the baby is scarred for life.

The new stage occurs at age 55. It's called debt permanence. You wake up one day and realize, hey, just because you forgot to make that mortgage payment this month, it's still there, and it ain't nearly as much fun as a sex doll. Unless you like taking it up the ass by a bank.

Debt permanence. It still exists. It always will.

Helloooo Newman: The Best Hangover Cure

Helloooo Newman: The Best Hangover Cure: This New Year's Eve I had intimate relations with a bottle of vodka. But. No hangover. Here's how it works. I woke up around 1...

The Best Hangover Cure

This New Year's Eve I had intimate relations with a bottle of vodka.

But. No hangover.

Here's how it works.

I woke up around 1 pm and, sensing my wife was upset, I approached her to find out what was wrong.

We had a very sobering conversation about my behaviour.

Boy, I felt great afterwards. That's because I had no choice.

And sleeping in the garage on bags of cement mix for a week wasn't that bad. Always liked a firm mattress.

For it to work, you have to get married.

Helloooo Newman: Change Your Brain

Helloooo Newman: Change Your Brain: I went to a neurologist for help on changing my brain's wiring,  but he said they won't touch knob and tube.

Change Your Brain

I went to a neurologist for help on changing my brain's wiring, 

but he said they won't touch knob and tube.

Helloooo Newman: Fortune Pregnancy Test

Helloooo Newman: Fortune Pregnancy Test: I accidentally peed on a pregnancy test and it told me I can expect great things this year.

Fortune Pregnancy Test

I accidentally peed on a pregnancy test and it told me I can expect great things this year.

Helloooo Newman: Blind Spot

Helloooo Newman: Blind Spot: After looking very carefully, scientists have determined that it's impossible to watch your blind spot.

Blind Spot

After looking very carefully, scientists have determined that it's impossible to watch your
blind spot.

Helloooo Newman: Visionary

Helloooo Newman: Visionary: This year I'm looking forward to 2020 vision.

Visionary

This year I'm looking forward to 2020 vision.

Helloooo Newman: Paint Dry

Helloooo Newman: Paint Dry: They say there's nothing more boring than watching paint dry. Well, I bet you de Vinci enjoyed watching the Mona Lisa dry.

Paint Dry

They say there's nothing more boring than watching paint dry. Well, I bet you de Vinci enjoyed watching the Mona Lisa dry.

De Vinci is quoted as saying, "Shit, what an awesome painting. Can't wait til it dries."

Helloooo Newman: Shopping

Helloooo Newman: Shopping: At the beginning of every new decade, I'm reminded of that old adage: never food shop on an empty stomach. Or, always food shop on a ful...

Shopping

At the beginning of every new decade, I'm reminded of that old adage: never food shop on an empty stomach. Or, always food shop on a full stomach.

That way you'll buy only what you need.

By the way, you can have a full or empty stomach when you swim. The whole cramps thing is nonsense. But, if you're buying a swimming pool, make sure you drink some chlorinated water first.

I use this philosophy at the liquor store. Yesterday I went to the LCBO hammered and came out with only 6 litres of vodka. Way less than I normally buy. Saved a ton.