HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Monday, 31 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Resolushuns
Helloooo Newman: Resolushuns: I've never been one for New Year resolutions. The motivation behind them never lasts. I've always thought that if you really want to...
Resolushuns
I've never been one for New Year resolutions. The motivation behind them never lasts. I've always thought that if you really want to change in some way, don't do it when everyone else is doing it and it's the "behaviour du jour". Do it in July, when you're relaxing at the cottage, drunk and pregnant with magic brownies. Takes way more effort. I've never seen anyone make a summer resolution, other than to drink more and then go water skiing at night.
This philosophy applies to other behaviour as well. If you really want to marry that person, do it in February when you have to salt the walkways into the wedding tent and the bride is wearing high-heel galoshes. It's so easy to get married on a nice summer day, which is why the divorce rate is so high.
Honeymoon in the South Pole, not the Bahamas. Too easy to have a good time. All-inclusive penguin meat has a way of holding a marriage together.
Now ignore all that because this year I am trying a resolution on for size.
For this, I'm turning to the Buddha. It's a strange choice, in that there is some question as to if he actually existed, and whether he appeared on Dancing with the Philosophers.
The Buddha said that "attachment is the root of suffering". Again, there is some question as to the accuracy of this translation. Some scholars think he said, "Shit, I overdosed on melatonin and I can't get out of this pose. My knees are killing me."
I'll assume what he meant was attachment to objects or outcomes. It's so much more romantic.
I've come across this pearl of wisdom before. I always thought it referred to the umbilical cord, and that it should be cut because you're too attached to your mom.
So, I'm no longer gonna be attached to my things, including this blog. We shall see if this really is the root of suffering. I still think the real root is having a teenage daughter.
This philosophy applies to other behaviour as well. If you really want to marry that person, do it in February when you have to salt the walkways into the wedding tent and the bride is wearing high-heel galoshes. It's so easy to get married on a nice summer day, which is why the divorce rate is so high.
Honeymoon in the South Pole, not the Bahamas. Too easy to have a good time. All-inclusive penguin meat has a way of holding a marriage together.
Now ignore all that because this year I am trying a resolution on for size.
For this, I'm turning to the Buddha. It's a strange choice, in that there is some question as to if he actually existed, and whether he appeared on Dancing with the Philosophers.
The Buddha said that "attachment is the root of suffering". Again, there is some question as to the accuracy of this translation. Some scholars think he said, "Shit, I overdosed on melatonin and I can't get out of this pose. My knees are killing me."
I'll assume what he meant was attachment to objects or outcomes. It's so much more romantic.
So, I'm no longer gonna be attached to my things, including this blog. We shall see if this really is the root of suffering. I still think the real root is having a teenage daughter.
Friday, 21 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Whose Wall is It, Anyway?
Helloooo Newman: Whose Wall is It, Anyway?: Steel slats. Trump is talking about the wall and "steel slats". Is he talking about the border wall? Or the walls of Ann Co...
Whose Wall is It, Anyway?
Steel slats.
Trump is talking about the wall and "steel slats".
Is he talking about the border wall? Or the walls of Ann Coulter's vagina?
Thursday, 20 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Baby Jesus
Helloooo Newman: Baby Jesus: It's funny how Facebook reminds me of all my friend's birthdays, but it never reminds me of the baby Jesus' birthday. "It...
Baby Jesus
It's funny how Facebook reminds me of all my friend's birthdays, but it never reminds me of the baby Jesus' birthday.
"It's Jesus' birthday today. Wish him Happy Birthday, but don't tell Him how old He is or that He broke His promise about coming back."
That's a huge oversight. I like to think that Jesus is my best friend. Certainly better than my Facebook friends, who only "friend" me for the high status it brings them.
And why doesn't Jesus post any pictures? Where the hell is He, anyway? Maybe He's stuck in Limbo. I hear it's really hard to take a good picture of Limbo. There's nothing there because everything's in limbo.
Well, Happy Early Birthday, Jesus. By the way, I shared the Facebook video of my life in 2018 with you. Most of what happened I blame on you. And your old man.
"It's Jesus' birthday today. Wish him Happy Birthday, but don't tell Him how old He is or that He broke His promise about coming back."
That's a huge oversight. I like to think that Jesus is my best friend. Certainly better than my Facebook friends, who only "friend" me for the high status it brings them.
And why doesn't Jesus post any pictures? Where the hell is He, anyway? Maybe He's stuck in Limbo. I hear it's really hard to take a good picture of Limbo. There's nothing there because everything's in limbo.
Well, Happy Early Birthday, Jesus. By the way, I shared the Facebook video of my life in 2018 with you. Most of what happened I blame on you. And your old man.
Friday, 14 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Social Schizo
Helloooo Newman: Social Schizo: The good thing about my schizophrenia and social media is that, instead of talking to myself, I text myself.
Social Schizo
The good thing about my schizophrenia and social media is that, instead of talking to myself, I text myself.
Helloooo Newman: Transparent
Helloooo Newman: Transparent: Sarah Sanders hopes she's remembered as transparent and honest. A transparent face – a face one could not see – yes, I want to reme...
Transparent
Sarah Sanders hopes she's remembered as transparent and honest.
A transparent face – a face one could not see – yes, I want to remember her that way.
(that's not very nice, Newman. Apologize.)
sorry
Thursday, 6 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Cold Outside (minus the rape)
Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Cold Outside (minus the rape): Good news for those in Canada that love the melody of Baby It's Cold Outside , but heed the blatant call for rape in the lyrics. A new...
Baby It's Cold Outside (minus the rape)
Good news for those in Canada that love the melody of Baby It's Cold Outside, but heed the blatant call for rape in the lyrics.
A new version has been written. By Canada. You know – the place that isn't America.
In this improved version, a man sees a woman standing outside on a wintry minus thirty degrees day.
He goes outside and warns her of the cold and invites her inside for some hot chocolate. There is no Rohypnol in his house.
NO, you rapist. She says.
The man, realizing that consent hasn't been given, goes back inside.
The woman dies of hypothermia.
A neighbour witnesses that the man did not lend aid and comfort to the women, and testifies to this at the man's trial.
The man is convicted of second degree murder and jailed in a cell between two rapists.
I know. It's a bit complicated, but pretty catchy once the lyrics are matched up to the notes.
A new version has been written. By Canada. You know – the place that isn't America.
In this improved version, a man sees a woman standing outside on a wintry minus thirty degrees day.
He goes outside and warns her of the cold and invites her inside for some hot chocolate. There is no Rohypnol in his house.
NO, you rapist. She says.
The man, realizing that consent hasn't been given, goes back inside.
The woman dies of hypothermia.
A neighbour witnesses that the man did not lend aid and comfort to the women, and testifies to this at the man's trial.
The man is convicted of second degree murder and jailed in a cell between two rapists.
I know. It's a bit complicated, but pretty catchy once the lyrics are matched up to the notes.
Tuesday, 4 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Way Colder Than You Can Possibly Imagine...
Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Way Colder Than You Can Possibly Imagine...: In its war on rape culture, Canada, finally, has banned Baby It's Cold Outside from radio stations. Climate change experts applaud th...
Baby It's Way Colder Than You Can Possibly Imagine Outside
In its war on rape culture, Canada, finally, has banned Baby It's Cold Outside from radio stations.
Climate change experts applaud this move, reminding us that's it's getting hotter out there.
By the way, Hot Hot Hot will also be banned.
Stay tuned for a list of allowable songs, coming soon.
In the meantime, as a rule of thumb, please only listen to songs about adults consenting at room temperature.
Climate change experts applaud this move, reminding us that's it's getting hotter out there.
By the way, Hot Hot Hot will also be banned.
Stay tuned for a list of allowable songs, coming soon.
In the meantime, as a rule of thumb, please only listen to songs about adults consenting at room temperature.
Sunday, 2 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Energy Conservation
Helloooo Newman: Energy Conservation: I chatted online with Toronto Hydro about my electricity bill. ME: Why are you charging me for energy? HYDRO: Because it costs money...
Energy Conservation
I chatted online with Toronto Hydro about my electricity bill.
ME: Why are you charging me for energy?
HYDRO: Because it costs money.
ME: Why does it cost money?
HYDRO: Because you are using the energy.
ME: Got ya! The First Law of Thermodynamics, called The Conservation of Energy, states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed.
HYDRO: How would you like to pay?
ME: You didn't create the energy, so you don't get to charge me. It's not even your energy to give away.
HYDRO: It's suppose to be a cold winter, sir.
ME: And I didn't USE anything. The energy is still there somewhere. You can reuse it.
HYDRO: Why are your pants down, sir?
ME: What?…I…
HYDRO: You forgot to cover up your webcam.
ME: VISA, please.
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