Helloooo Newman: Earlier is Better

Helloooo Newman: Earlier is Better: It's interesting how we often prefer the earlier works of successful artists. Woody Allen's earlier movies were funnier. Exile o...

Earlier is Better

It's interesting how we often prefer the earlier works of successful artists.

Woody Allen's earlier movies were funnier. Exile on Main St. is often considered the Stones best album, released in 1972.

Same with Mozart. I prefer the music he wrote when he was 6 hours old and still having that goop washed off him. Especially the Umbilical Overture, where the baby screaming takes over from the French horns.

His work was kind of down hill from there, and I don't really care for anything past the age of 8.

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Lying

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Lying: I've been diagnosed with sleep lying. I lie down in my sleep. The doctor said it's very important not to disturb me in this state, a...

Sleep Lying

I've been diagnosed with sleep lying. I lie down in my sleep. The doctor said it's very important not to disturb me in this state, as I could hurt myself.

I also talk in my sleep, but everything I say is a lie.

Sleep lying. It's the truth.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: I wonder if rats complain about the human race.

Wit Bit

I wonder if rats complain about the human race.

Helloooo Newman: Silver Tsunami

Helloooo Newman: Silver Tsunami: It's called the silver tsunami . The aging lump of people moving through society like a python digesting an elk. Soon the population wil...

Silver Tsunami

It's called the silver tsunami. The aging lump of people moving through society like an elk snaking through a python's digestive tract. Soon the population will be an average age of dead.

And yet we have stores called Forever 21.

How about Forever Wheelchair Ramp. Forever Hemorrhoids. Forever Funerals.

Forever 21. That just hurts!

Helloooo Newman: We're All iPhones

Helloooo Newman: We're All iPhones: So. Apple slows down older iPhones on purpose. People, God has been doing this to older version humans since forever.

We're All iPhones

So. Apple slows down older iPhones on purpose.

People, God has been doing this to older version humans since forever.

Perhaps we never should have taken a bite of the Apple.

Helloooo Newman: The Sleep Inn

Helloooo Newman: The Sleep Inn: I'm starting a motel called the Sleep Inn . You can't wake up before noon. If you do, it costs more. Ativan is available (at an en...

The Sleep Inn

I'm starting a motel called the Sleep Inn.

You can't wake up before noon. If you do, it costs more. Ativan is available (at an enormous price) in the lobby if needed.

Checkout time is 2:55 a.m., just before mandatory bedtime, 3:00 a.m.

Please do no, under any circumstances, wake up the staff.

Have a nice stay. Go back to bed.

Helloooo Newman: Selfie Help

Helloooo Newman: Selfie Help: It's something we all struggle with. Taking the perfect selfie. It's harder than it looks. Which side of me looks better? What ...

Selfie

It's something we all struggle with.

Taking the perfect selfie.

It's harder than it looks. Which side of me looks better? What kind of lighting? Shot angle. Location. Expression. Smiling? Frowning? Miley Cyrus tongue?

Photography has never been so in-depth.

Never again will you hire a professional photographer to shoot your selfie.

Buy my Selfie Help Book. Take the perfect selfie. Every time. All by yourself.

It's the only book in the Selfie Help section of your book store.

And when you have too many selfies to store on your phone?

Try my Selfie Storage units.

Helloooo Newman: Self Help Book

Helloooo Newman: Self Help Book: I helped myself to a self help book. Sure, the cops called it shoplifting.

Self Help Book

I helped myself to a self help book. Sure, the cops called it shoplifting.

Helloooo Newman: Sealy Sleeper

Helloooo Newman: Sealy Sleeper: Whoever thought that water would make a good mattress to sleep on? Is it not enough that I'm suppose to drink 9 swimming pools of water ...

Sealy Sleeper

Whoever thought that water would make a good mattress to sleep on? Is it not enough that I'm suppose to drink 9 swimming pools of water a day? Then I'm gonna lie down on water and fall asleep – no – it's The Perfect Storm in bed. And I don't get the girl.

I once had a girlfriend with a waterbed. I woke up one night and my back was killing me. It was a full moon. The tide went out and all the water was on her side. I was sleeping on cigarette butts and the bones of ex-boyfriends.

If I am going to sleep on a liquid, make it beer, with a tap. Molson mattress. Twenty four individually-pocketed beers.

Nope. I'm strictly a sealy sleeper.

Helloooo Newman: Christmas Ghosts

Helloooo Newman: Christmas Ghosts: We have the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Why can't we have the ghost of Christmas shopping? "Here's my li...

Christmas Ghosts

We have the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Why can't we have the ghost of Christmas shopping?

"Here's my list. Don't pay retail for anything. Wash your hair. You're scaring everyone. And no shoplifting this year. It's still wrong, even if you're dead."

Helloooo Newman: Sock Puller

Helloooo Newman: Sock Puller: I've tried pulling my socks up, in hopes of getting myself to work harder, but it hasn't worked. I'm still as lazy as ever, b...

Sock Puller

I've tried pulling my socks up, in hopes of getting myself to work harder, but it hasn't worked. I'm still as lazy as ever, but now people make fun of me. Especially in the summer.

"Hey doofus, why are your socks up to your knees?"

"I'm getting stuff done!"

Helloooo Newman: Star Bores

Helloooo Newman: Star Bores: Star Wars never really satisfied me as a movie franchise. I think it was that Luke and Yoda never had a sexual relationship. I really tho...

Star Bores

Star Wars never really satisfied me as a movie franchise. I think it was that Luke and Yoda never had a sexual relationship. I really thought the movie was going in that direction.

"Do me or do not me, there is no try."

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: I'm writing an autobiography about God.

Wit Bit

I'm writing an autobiography about God.

Helloooo Newman: Four Eyes

Helloooo Newman: Four Eyes: You never hear "four eyes" as an insult anymore. I used it all the time in grade school. That was until a guy named Morgan, who...

Four Eyes

You never hear "four eyes" as an insult anymore.

I used it all the time in grade school. That was until a guy named Morgan, who I teased to no end, had a short convo with my teeth. I developed an instant lisp, and guess who was teased for 6 months straight.

"Four eyes" just doesn't carry heft anymore. I blame it on the widespread use of contacts. How can you call someone four eyes when their "glasses" are the same size as their cornea?

"Hey, four corneas, nice contacts."

Nope. Doesn't deliver quite the same punch.

Helloooo Newman: Odd Jobs

Helloooo Newman: Odd Jobs: Sometimes I like to think about jobs that I would never, ever consider doing. Jobs that are crazy stupid, as jobs go. One of them is ...

Odd Jobs

Sometimes I like to think about jobs that I would never, ever consider doing. Jobs that are crazy stupid, as jobs go.

One of them is working for those tree cutting companies. Not the ones with the cherry picker that raises someone high enough to cut branches. That's kind of civilized. I mean the insane practice of people climbing and hanging from a tree via a complicated rope system while holding a working chainsaw, probably having a cigarette in the mouth, and dismantling the very thing that's holding them up.

Will people do anything? I couldn't possibly do a job where every day is a Tom Cruise movie. Only I'm not nearly as hot.

"Ya, I do my own stunts at work. I particularly like working with 500 pound logs that are out to kill me. I get goosebumps. Too bad there's no Oscars for Arborists."

Pretty much the only thing I like to hold that has fast-moving metal parts is my razor. Maybe an electric carving knife around Thanksgiving. Did you know there are 30,000 chainsaw accidents a year in the U.S., many life-threatening? Why don't we need a licence to use one of these monsters? It's a gun with moving teeth.

I'm more suited for finger-climbing a Bonsai tree using some string and a nail trimmer. No stunt double needed.

And then there's writing. Oh God, writing. Very dangerous.

Is it just me?

Helloooo Newman: Blurds

Helloooo Newman: Blurds: The English language excels at creating words that blur comprehension. Fuzzy words. Words that blur comprehension are called  blurds . ...

Blurds

The English language excels at creating words that blur comprehension. Fuzzy words. Words that blur comprehension are called blurds.

Case in point: Refresh

"Hey, you must have had a great sleep. You look so refreshed."

Now, how can I wake up in the morning and be re-freshed? The question is, when was I first "freshed"? When did the "freshing" begin, when did it stop, and when did it start again, thereby introducing the "re" part of refreshed?

See my point?

This is how it should work – in the morning, you look "freshed" for that day. Then you work all day for some scumbag sucking dufus bag boss, who wears you down like a pile of new dollar bills soaked in your own sweat for 8 months and then tumbled in a hot clothes dryer for 7 weeks. So you go bitchy-drinking with your co-workers, and you become re-freshed.

Refesh is a blurd.

There are many. Retard is one of them. When was I first tarded, and what does it mean to be tarded? Beats me.

What if I am tardy all the time. Am I retardy? No! Doesn't exist.

Confused? Keep an eye out for blurds.

Helloooo Newman: Phrases

Helloooo Newman: Phrases: Why do we call really late at night the "wee morning hours" ? First of all, the word "wee" suggests a size. Time has n...

Phrases

Why do we call really late at night the "wee morning hours"?

First of all, the word "wee" suggests a size. Time has no size. It has a duration. "Wee" could apply to the size of a man's penis, but not to the time he can sustain an erection (assuming no drugs).

I stayed up late one night and timed the "wee morning hours". They were just as long as all the other hours, including the hour it takes to explain to my wife why her new black blouse is now orange and black and will make a great Halloween costume.

"I stayed up until the early morning hours and now I'm dog tired."

That suffices as a description, thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Re-Gift

Helloooo Newman: Re-Gift: Last year I regifted a pair of prescription glasses I received. This year I'm regifting any footwear I get. And dog toys. If someone doe...

Re-Gift

Last year I regifted a pair of prescription glasses I received. This year I'm regifting any footwear I get. And dog toys. If someone doesn't have a dog, they'll just have to get one if they want to enjoy the gift.

I like regifting because, as a child, I wasn't gifted. I was regifted.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: My life has been all about heading toward the light at the end of the tunnel, but someone turned it out because of the skyrocketing hydro co...

Wit Bits

My life has been all about heading toward the light at the end of the tunnel, but someone turned it out because of the skyrocketing hydro costs. This would be a good time to have excellent tunnel vision, but people say it's bad to suffer from tunnel vision.


Believe it or not, a quick snack for me is eating peanut butter (Adam's) out of a jar and then having a few pickles. I can't do it too often or my breast milk starts coming in.


When people bother me with petty problems, I never say, "I don't care, I've got bigger fish to fry." I don't like fish, especially when it tastes like fish. I say "pork chops" or "lamb chops". Then I get hungry and make some pork chops. That keeps me busy, so I can't worry about petty problems.

Helloooo Newman: Factory Settings

Helloooo Newman: Factory Settings: There's nothing quite like a refreshingly long, deep sleep. People ask me why I like to sleep so much. I'll tell you why I like to...

Factory Settings

There's nothing quite like a refreshingly long, deep sleep.

People ask me why I like to sleep so much. I'll tell you why I like to sleep so much.

When I wake up, I look in the mirror and in my eyeballs appear the following words: all user settings for this brain have reset to the factory default. 

It's a fresh start to my life. Like driving a brand new car for the first time – every day. I can set things the way I want them. I can program the seat to a 21 degree backwards incline. I can set the radio buttons 1 through 6 to my favourite stations – death metal. The cruise control can kick in once I reach 180 kph. But I do this for my brain instead of a car.

You should try sleeping as much as I do. It works.

Helloooo Newman: Don't Copy This Blog

Helloooo Newman: Don't Copy This Blog: Whenever someone copies what I'm doing, I never know whether to use the phrase "copy cat" or "monkey see, monkey do&qu...

Don't Copy This Blog

Whenever someone copies what I'm doing, I never know whether to use the phrase "copy cat" or "monkey see, monkey do".

I can't find any rules around this issue. Maybe if I'm engaged in simian behaviour, like sitting on a leather sofa smoking a cigar and pondering the future – and someone copies me – I should go with monkeys.

If I'm licking myself, I'll use "copy cat".

If I had a great mind, I would go with "great minds think alike".

I think "fools seldom differ" works better in my case.

Helloooo Newman: Christmas Confusion

Helloooo Newman: Christmas Confusion: I wonder if you could help me. My wife wants something re-hee-hee-hee-ally special this xmas. She yelled a store name at me from downsta...

Christmas Confusion

I wonder if you could help me.

My wife wants something re-hee-hee-hee-ally special this xmas.

She yelled a store name at me from downstairs while she was doing laundry. I was freakin' absorbed in a great game of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy on tv (sometimes called football), sinkin' a few beers and shouting, "She's with me!"

Louis Futon?

Have you heard of this place? Can't find it anywhere.

I honestly don't know why she wants a futon. We have a sexy queen-sized piece of memory foam that never forgets me. We're on a first name basis, and she knows all my secrets.

Looks like another year of Bed Bath & Beyond.

Helloooo Newman: God's Editor

Helloooo Newman: God's Editor: The Pope, God's official editor, has decided the Lord's Prayer needs a change. At first I thought it was a typo, but surely God w...

God's Editor

The Pope, God's official editor, has decided the Lord's Prayer needs a change.

At first I thought it was a typo in the prayer, but surely God wins every spelling bee He enters.

The word is "encomium".

God: Can you use it in a sentence, please? Oh wait, you're talking about ME, right?

If the Lord's Prayer needs a redo, that means one of two things: With this change, it will now be the true official word of God, and for centuries it's been wrong – OR – it's been right all this time, and now the Pope is ruining it.

Which is it? How can I now trust anything I read in the Good Book? This is an egregious mistake. There's never been one change to any of Chuck Norris's books. He gets it right the first time. And God can't?

I feel lost.

Helloooo Newman: Stranger House

Helloooo Newman: Stranger House: I just realized that my house is the Upside Down.

Stranger House

I just realized that my house is the Upside Down.

Especially my daughter's room.

Helloooo Newman: What Women Want

Helloooo Newman: What Women Want: Welcome, gentlemen. Welcome to the first annual What Women Want Conference. As you've all sworn on your conference pre-check forms,...

What Women Want

Welcome, gentlemen.

Welcome to the first annual What Women Want Conference.

As you've all sworn on your conference pre-check forms, you are the group of men who believe it's fine and dandy to touch a woman's breasts in a variety of circumstances – when you first meet her, when a photo is taken, or at work in your private office.

Most of all, you are perplexed as to why women don't enjoy this "playful" behaviour as much as you do. You enjoy it so much that you somehow forget all the times you've done it in the past, which is weird.

You are the men who know What Women Want.

Today's seminar will take a closer look at What Women Want with a fun PowerPoint presentation.

PowerPoint. Because men have all the power. That's the point!

The scenario: You are a celebrity who is use to getting everything he wants. You are a man, who is also use to getting everything he wants. You are about to take a photo with one of your adoring fans.

Let's begin.

Cue music: The first thing you will notice is that we are not playing stripper music. This signals to you that when you meet a woman for the first time, she doesn't want to give you a table dance or hear about your masturbatory habits.

Slide 1: You are having your photo taken with a women you just met. You shake hands. Pretty simple, or so it seems.

Slide 2: Let's focus in on the woman's face. We are looking for signs that she is dying for you to grab her breast as the photo is snapped. What can we see? Hmmm. No obvious clues. She's smiling, but that could easily be a "nice to meet you" smile. Is there a glint, or a glimmer in her eye? Check for glint and glimmer. Also for a sparkle, or a twinkle. It could be a shimmer, or a wink. Something that tells you, and only you, her day is drab until you swaddle her mams. Looks like it's just the camera lights reflecting off her cornea. Oh well. Let's keep searching.

Slide 3: Zoom in to the handshake. Here we are looking for a secret note the woman might pass to you, saying something like, "It would be coolio if, just as the photo were snapped, you grabbed my breast. Don't worry, I won't snap at you." No note. Maybe she asks for her breasts to be fondled so often that she has "Please grope my breast" tattooed on the palm of her hand. Nope. The palms are only nervous and sweaty.

Slide 4: Don't forget the clothes. Clothes make the man. They also make the woman – a harlot? Depends on the signal she is sending. This woman falls somewhere between Maria from The Sound of Music and Miley Cyrus from her Wrecking Ball video. She's sending mixed signals. Or, maybe, there's no signal. She's wearing what she felt like wearing that day, just like you did.

Slide 5: The photo is about to be snapped. The excitement builds. Lights are flashing. Reflecting off umbrellas. The photographer shouts out suggestions. None of those suggestions include, "Hey dude, make her smile. Grab her breast." Instead, he takes a picture of the two of you sitting beside each other, like adults.

Slide 6: The shoot is over and everyone goes home.

"Over? But. But. I didn't grab her breast. I enjoy grabbing breasts, and she wanted me to."

Exam time. Grab your pens. No, not your… Your PENS. Poor babies. You just imagined the "i".

Please write a one word essay, answering the following question: Do Women Really Want Me to Grab Their Breast?

Good luck, men!

Helloooo Newman: Powerful Question

Helloooo Newman: Powerful Question: I wonder if these plugs still identify as male and female.

Powerful Question

I wonder if these plugs still identify as male and female.

Helloooo Newman: Drolldrums

Helloooo Newman: Drolldrums: I have a repetitive awake injury

Drolldrums

I have a repetitive awake injury