Helloooo Newman: If the Porsche Fits…

Helloooo Newman: If the Porsche Fits…: Nuggets. That's what I call them. Little things occurring in this nutty world that keep me laughing. I found this nugget at my mecha...

If the Porsche Fits…

Nuggets. That's what I call them.

Little things occurring in this nutty world that keep me laughing.

I found this nugget at my mechanic's shop. Yes, I have a mechanic.

Rather, he has me. In debt. For a lot of money.

I was waiting patiently in my grease shop for about 3.5 hours when I thought, okay, it's time for me to rotate the hemispheres of my brain before I hurl myself in front of a street car in boredom.

This well-dressed man walks in carrying a pair of very nice shoes in his hands. Swaddling them, actually. Like a new-born.

Do these shoes require an oil change? Will he have the soles rotated?

Don't laugh. The well-dressed man proudly states that these $450 shoes are made by Porsche.

More questions pop into my rotated hemispheres. Is this why he came to an auto body shop instead of a shoemaker? How fast do they go?

Turns out there is some kind of screw or nail sticking out of the bottom of one car, um shoe, and it is affecting his back. He said at least 36 times that the shoe was hurting his back. Soon enough I wanted to hurt his back as well.

He thought maybe the mechanic had the right kind of screw or some other car-fixing device to help his shoe run more smoothly.

The mechanic took it into the shop and tried. I wonder if he had to put it on one of those car lifters so they could get a good look underneath?

The mechanic said no go and suggested the gentleman take it to a shoemaker.

This is why I chose my mechanic. He has all the honest answers. He will not take your shoes into the shop, find all kinds of things wrong with them, and then charge you glorious amounts of money to walk out.

As the man with the $450 Porsche shoes drove away, the mechanic told me that the actual car this customer was driving was 20 years old and worth about $500.

Will I go to Sandals?

I realize my last story might cause some confusion, especially with the Big Guy. I certainly don't want that.

Just because I don't step into a church and listen to some pedophile tell me how to be a good person doesn't mean I am an atheist.

Religion and God really have nothing to do with each other. If I were God and saw you getting up early Sunday morning to go to a stuffy, hot building and then brunch, I would say you are a fool. Your first mistake was getting up early on Sunday. Then you paid way too much for those eggs with the dash of parsley on them. Come on. Think! How much are eggs at home?

I suppose I am an agnostic, but only because God is too. I mean when it comes to Him believing in me. Sometimes He does, sometimes He doesn't. He's not really sure. At least it feels that way.

Will I go from playing piano at a nursery school to rock stardom or not? Please make up your mind. I'm waiting.

More and more, the question of a creator is a quantum mechanical one.

And that makes sense. He's there until you need a lottery win. Then He's not. He's a He, then He's a She. He's in the building. God has now left the building.

God will not be pinned down by anyone!

And life is one big quantum mechanical equation. When I'm gone, I'll become part of that grand minus sign.

Helloooo Newman: Stairway to Sandals

Helloooo Newman: Stairway to Sandals: I am not a person hip with organized religion. And that's a surprise, I guess. As a kid, I went to church every Sunday and I went to C...

Stairway to Sandals

I am not a person hip with organized religion.

And that's a surprise, I guess. As a kid, I went to church every Sunday and I went to Catholic school until grade three. This is prime time to inculcate people.

But even as a kid, I always had a sense that organized religion is, how would you say…bullshit.

This does not, of course, impact in any way on the possibility of a Creator. How the Creator can stomach Catholicism is anybody's guess.

Forget about all the silly details that Catholicism covers. Just look at the huge contradictions in the "story" it tells.

God created everything and is all powerful, yet feels insecure when humans, and only humans it seems, don't bow to Him.

God certainly doesn't mind that Newman won't bow to him. Newman has peed on many church lawns. That's outright disrespect if you ask me.

He didn't just create humans that always bow to him because?…He was looking for a challenge, or was bored. Perhaps boredom is the mother of invention.

The only purpose I can see for organized religion is that it helps you to become more organized. Being organized is good. In this sense, organized religion is on a par with organized crime and organized labour.

One thing I've never understood is how the afterlife is sold. The way the afterlife is portrayed by religion, it's easily up there with the most luxurious Sandals resort. And as far as I can tell, there is no money in heaven. There are probably no lineups at the buffet as well.

Heaven is Sandals on crack.

• visits to Hell are included and among the most popular day trips, except for people from Scarborough, who've spent enough time there as it is.

• Germans and Americans do go to Heaven, but behave more like regular humans compared to when they were… human.

• that blonde in the poster really is there.

If the afterlife will be so good to us, what are we waiting for?

Now there's a question for the Big Guy.