Helloooo Newman: Healthy Start

Helloooo Newman: Healthy Start: It's so reassuring that Trudeau and Ford agree that my 14 hour wait time in the ER is not a definition of "working properly". ...

Healthy Start

It's so reassuring that Trudeau and Ford agree that my 14 hour wait time in the ER is not a definition of "working properly".

I knew in my heart they'd step up.

We might even see some radical thinking, along the lines of beer in grocery stores, a move sure to go down in the anals of Ontario's history.

Why, we might even admit that some kind of private health mechanism isn't evil, even though we already have that to some degree, but shhhhhh, no we don't. (Quebec allows a lot of privater care, but shhhh)

Then we'd be similar to other countries that everyone despises for how they treat their people, like Sweden, Norway, Netherlands, France, Germany, Australia, Switzerland…

Or we could stay aligned with countries like…North Korea.

Helloooo Newman: Loud Firing

Helloooo Newman: Loud Firing: With the "quiet quitting" that's going on, I think it's time for some LOUD FIRING. YOU'RE FIRED outta do it.

Loud Firing

With the "quiet quitting" that's going on, I think it's time for some LOUD FIRING.

YOU'RE FIRED outta do it.

Helloooo Newman: Drinking Grey

Helloooo Newman: Drinking Grey: In honour of Lisa LaFlamme, Grey Goose vodka will continue to be called Grey Goose vodka.

Drinking Grey

In honour of Lisa LaFlamme, Grey Goose vodka will continue to be called Grey Goose vodka.

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?: Since Novak Djokovic can't make the US Tennis Open, God will attempt to stand in for him. 

Tennis, Anyone?

Since Novak Djokovic can't make the US Tennis Open, God will attempt to stand in for him. 

Helloooo Newman: Recovering

Helloooo Newman: Recovering: I'm a recovering exerciser. Joined a zero step program.

Recovering

I'm a recovering exerciser. Joined a zero step program.

Helloooo Newman: Beer Pressure

Helloooo Newman: Beer Pressure: As I get older, I've moved from "beer's cold, I'm sold" to "do you have a nice, light, inoffensive blonde, not to...

Beer Pressure

As I get older, I've moved from "beer's cold, I'm sold" to "do you have a nice, light, inoffensive blonde, not too hoppy, pairs well with a chicken wrap and Columbia catalogue clothing, won't give me a headache, a nice light buzz but I won't puke in your washroom?"

Helloooo Newman: Rotting in Russia

Helloooo Newman: Rotting in Russia: While Dennis Rodman is in Russia pleading to have Brittney Griner released,  I'm in Russia pleading to have Dennis Rodman locked up.

Rodding in Russian Prison

While Dennis Rodman is in Russia pleading to have Brittney Griner released, 

I'm in Russia pleading to have Dennis Rodman locked up.

Helloooo Newman: Life is Funny

Helloooo Newman: Life is Funny: Was it Socrates who said, "Life can be funny, don't you think?" It really can be. Last night I was watching some old Steve Mar...

Life is Funny

Was it Socrates who said, "Life can be funny, don't you think?"

It really can be.

Last night I was watching some old Steve Martin skits.

Really funny.

Then I reviewed some old Seinfeld episodes. The masturbation one. Funny, right? The Elaine dance? Too fucking funny.

Yup. Life can be funny.

Helloooo Newman: Go Away Goatee

Helloooo Newman: Go Away Goatee: Don't you wonder how the goatee got started way back? The beard? I understand. You get tired of shaving. In wintery climes it keeps you ...

Go Away Goatee

Don't you wonder how the goatee got started way back?

The beard? I understand. You get tired of shaving. In wintery climes it keeps you warm. Left alone, it grows naturally.

But trimming it down to a goatee? Did people get so tired of grooming styles that they had to look to farm animals to spice life up?

Honey, I'm tired of looking at my face.

Me too, sweetie.

I need something different. My imagination for changing my look only extends as far as the fact that I'm surrounded by farm animals.

Perfect, sweetie.

But which animal?

You've always enjoyed spending time with the goats, sweetie. Remember last Friday night?

Great idea.

Or maybe it was the brainchild of some old-time brilliant bank robber who got tired of covering his face with a handkerchief. Due to the heat, of course. Billy goat. The perfect disguise.

Honest, officer. The bank was heisted by a trip of goats with shot guns.

The money's probably been eaten by now.

Helloooo Newman: I Like It — A Lot

Helloooo Newman: I Like It — A Lot: If my teeth look as good as Trudeau's haircut under their new free dental plan, sign me up.

I Like It — A Lot

If my teeth look as good as Trudeau's haircut under their new free dental plan, sign me up.

Helloooo Newman: We Don't Need No Education

Helloooo Newman: We Don't Need No Education: Sometimes world events are really confusing to me. There's so much we don't know – and the stuff we read? Who knows how accurate it ...

We Don't Need No Education

Sometimes world events are really confusing to me. There's so much we don't know – and the stuff we read? Who knows how accurate it is? What's their source? Do they have some kind of agenda?

I just wish someone would explain it all to me in simple terms I can digest.

The war in Ukraine is a perfect example. What's really going on? Maybe there's a good reason Russia needs to bomb hospitals, kill children, destroy nuclear plants and threaten nuclear war, as a matter of policy. I don't know.

When I'm lost like this, I like to look to my favourite rock band for information.

That's why, as you can imagine, I was gleeful that Roger Waters, of Pink Floyd fame, finally weighed in on the terrible war over yonder in Eastern Europe.

He's using his concerts to release this valuable insight. To be honest, I didn't read any further than the fact that he supports Russia and Joe Biden is a war criminal.

I don't need more information. If my favourite rock band has an opinion that can be expressed at a concert on a banner, I want to like it. I want to sing to it. I want to know that all those years of devotion to my rock icons have been properly invested for a useful purpose.

The details are irrelevant. As Mr. Waters sings, we don't need no education.

Thank you, Mr. Waters, for finally speaking up.

Helloooo Newman: No Name Dropping

Helloooo Newman: No Name Dropping: I should warn my readers that I will continue to refer to Ryerson University as Ryerson University, despite the name change. If this is a tr...

No Name Dropping

I should warn my readers that I will continue to refer to Ryerson University as Ryerson University, despite the name change. If this is a trigger for you then go pull your trigger somewhere else. Try a porn site. I can't think of any names off the top of my head, but try Pornhub.

Just like I will continue to refer to Elon Musk's son as X Æ A-12, even though his son prefers "Pi R Squared", or "The Area of a Pizza".

Helloooo Newman: Watch God

Helloooo Newman: Watch God: I was walking down the street yesterday and was going to look in this nice church, but they had a sign on the lawn saying "Beware of Go...

Watch God

I was walking down the street yesterday and was going to look in this nice church, but they had a sign on the lawn saying "Beware of God".

Crazy world, where you need a watch God to protect your shit.

Helloooo Newman: 5Gs

Helloooo Newman: 5Gs: I bet you thought when the internet companies promised us 5G, it meant surfing would be as fast and effortless as an olympic surfer dude rid...

5Gs

I bet you thought when the internet companies promised us 5G, it meant surfing would be as fast and effortless as an olympic surfer dude ridin' high off the coast of Hawaii.

Me neither.

They forgot to tell us that the 5 Gs actually stand for…

Get out your cheque book, you owe us 5 Gs

Gonads. That's where we have you by, women included

Grab a comfortable chair waiting for us to answer your call

Granny is having a heart attack and she's on her own

Go to the airport and check your bags, you'll get better service there

Helloooo Newman: What's the Emergency?

Helloooo Newman: What's the Emergency?: Is life going too well for you? Are you too happy? Do you feel you should experience more pain and suffering as a contrast to contentment,...

What's the Emergency?

Is life going too well for you?

Are you too happy?

Do you feel you should experience more pain and suffering as a contrast to contentment, so you can compare the two and feel even happier?

Are your spirits too high?

Maybe you just hate yourself. You should be punished for various peccadillos in your life.

If all these are true for you, then proceed immediately to an emergency room in a Toronto hospital. Like a human mortar and pestle, it will crush you into a fine powder of despair and ennui. No need to see a doctor because you won't anyway.

I spent 12 hours there and I am the better for it, seeing the other side of hope and humane treatment.

Turns out I was too happy after all.

Glad I could help.

Helloooo Newman: Careless Dog Whisperer

Helloooo Newman: Careless Dog Whisperer:   I'm not sure who walks this dog, but to allow it to pee on this lawn so often is egregious. 

Careless Dog Whisperer

 

I'm not sure who walks this dog, but to allow it to pee on this lawn so often is egregious. 

Helloooo Newman: Air Cancel

Helloooo Newman: Air Cancel: This Summer Air Canada will temporarily be called Air Cancel. All passengers will be issued parachutes just in case their flight is cancelle...

Air Cancel

This Summer Air Canada will temporarily be called Air Cancel.

All passengers will be issued parachutes just in case their flight is cancelled midair.

Tiny bags of 3 almonds are $150. Feel free to eat them while parachuting. If your parachute fails, worry not. You will be provided with a map of all the trampolines in the area that you can safely land on. If you manage a particularly high bounce, you could possibly join another plane that was cancelled, un-cancelled, cancelled, and then un-cancelled just as you reach the apex of your bounce.

Feel free to use the 3 almonds to represent the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost so you can pray your flight isn't suddenly cancelled and your bags don't end up in the closet of an illegal abortion clinic in Sugar Tit, South Carolina.

It is recommended that you wear all your clothes on your body at the same time just in case you never see your suitcase again.

Checking your empty suitcase will cost $300.

The movie on every flight will be Cast Away. Unless it's cancelled.

Enjoy your flight/cancelled flight. We are proud of our cancel culture.

Helloooo Newman: Congratulations. You've Been Fired

Helloooo Newman: Congratulations. You've Been Fired: Have you ever been fired? What an unpleasant feeling. I had one job where I hated my boss so much, I wanted to grind him into a fine powder ...

Congratulations. You've Been Fired

Have you ever been fired?

What an unpleasant feeling. I had one job where I hated my boss so much, I wanted to grind him into a fine powder and sprinkle him in the ocean. Even though he wanted a traditional burial.

Still, being fired from that job felt terrible – even though my boss wanted me to climb a 35 foot, unsecured ladder to paint a tiny window no one could see. Risk a permanent head injury? Gosh, can I?

There is one job I can think of where getting fired is the best outcome you can hope for.

Kamikaze pilot.

Failing at this job looks good on a resume because at least you're around to have a resume.

"Hey, what are you doing back here?"

"What? Oh sorry. Got lost. Couldn't find any ships to slam into. Looked everywhere."

"Well, you realize you're fired, right?"

"Oh ya, no problem."

"And you'll never work in this industry again."

"I know. What a shame. But I think I'll be okay. Some re-training. Pound the pavement. I'm feeling pretty positive."

"Pack your stuff and get out of here."

"You took all my stuff just before telling me not to return."

"I really thought this was your calling."

"Me too. Then I thought maybe something else is calling me. Like an office job here on the ground. Or pizza delivery. Something that requires me to be alive."

"You're making a big mistake."

"I guess I'll live to regret it."

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers: I don't understand those signs on the front doors of houses. No soliciting. Well, that's an obvious burger. You think I want my hook...

No Hookers

I don't understand those signs on the front doors of houses.

No soliciting.

Well, that's an obvious burger. You think I want my hookers showing up at my house? So the neighbours can see?

Meet you at Harvey's on Jarvis.

Helloooo Newman: High on Gas

Helloooo Newman: High on Gas: I sold some gas and it went for higher than asking.

High on Gas

I sold some gas and it went for higher than asking.

Helloooo Newman: Ideal Life

Helloooo Newman: Ideal Life: Today I was thinking just maybe there's more to life than working and then coming home and watching Netflix. Not sure where I get these ...

Ideal Life

Today I was thinking just maybe there's more to life than working and then coming home and watching Netflix.

Not sure where I get these dumb ideas.

Helloooo Newman: Raging on Aging

Helloooo Newman: Raging on Aging: This is the important difference when you age: At 20 and having lunch at KFC, I could eat and run. At 60 and having lunch at KFC, I eat and ...

Raging on Aging

This is the important difference when you age:

At 20 and having lunch at KFC, I could eat and run.

At 60 and having lunch at KFC, I eat and then have the runs.

Helloooo Newman: Remarkable news out of China.Their brand new radio...

Helloooo Newman: Remarkable news out of China.Their brand new radio...: Remarkable news out of China. Their brand new radio telescope, which they point out is the biggest in the world, has picked up alien signals...

Remarkable news out of China.

Their brand new radio telescope, which they point out is the biggest in the world, has picked up alien signals. A couple of them.

It's an amazing coincidence. Scientists have been searching for alien signals for decades, but as soon as the Chinese telescope is turned on, presto. We can't shut the aliens up.

Their first message to mankind, according to Chinese officials?

"Take us to your leader. Oh, and Taiwan belongs to China"

Helloooo Newman: Shrink and Expand

Helloooo Newman: Shrink and Expand: Life's weird. Doctors say that alcohol and drugs shrink your brain. And yet they also expand your consciousness. And food is the opposit...

Shrink and Expand

Life's weird. Doctors say that alcohol and drugs shrink your brain. And yet they also expand your consciousness.

And food is the opposite. More food expands your body, and yet it shrinks your clothes. And your self-esteem.

So life is a bit like laundry. Shrink and expand. Men shrink their underwear, and expand their manhood.

The universe expanded in the Big Bang. And it might shrink again to, say, the size of a man's penis when it's dunked in a bucket of ice.

Neat.

Helloooo Newman: Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?

Helloooo Newman: Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?: Apparently not everyone realizes that smoking is bad for you. Canada will now put a warning on each cigarette, only to be burned up as you s...

Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?

Apparently not everyone realizes that smoking is bad for you. Canada will now put a warning on each cigarette, only to be burned up as you smoke. 

As well, when you exhale smoke, the smoke will magically form another warning, only to be blown away in the wind.

Because if people only knew that smoking was bad for them, they would stop immediately.

Smoking is bad for you! Especially while eating KFC and drinking beer.