Helloooo Newman: And now…a word from our sponsor…

Helloooo Newman: And now…a word from our sponsor…: "GO FUCK YOURSELF" "GO FUCK YOURSELF" "GO FUCK YOURSELF" That was a word from Helloooo Newman's sole spons...

And now…a word from our sponsor…

"GO FUCK YOURSELF"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF"

That was a word from Helloooo Newman's sole sponsor, X

Thank you, Elon.

We appreciate your commitment to quality!

Helloooo Newman: All I Need

Helloooo Newman: All I Need: You know that song The Air That I Breath ? Been listening to that recently. The chorus goes: Sometimes…all I need is the air that I breath a...

All I Need

You know that song The Air That I Breath?

Been listening to that recently.

The chorus goes: Sometimes…all I need is the air that I breath and to love you.

So true! But the key word is sometimes.

Sometimes I also need a beer, onion rings and a Mars bar.

Other times…all I need is a beer, onion rings and a Mars bar.

Pretty catchy

Helloooo Newman: Labelled for life

Helloooo Newman: Labelled for life: I keep getting pictures like this in my Facebook feed. Weird. I typed "Bobs" in Google. I was looking for all the Bobs I know. I g...

Labelled for life

I keep getting pictures like this in my Facebook feed.

Weird. I typed "Bobs" in Google. I was looking for all the Bobs I know.

I guess, by accident, I typed "Boobs". Total freak accident.

One slip of the finger and a guy is labelled for life.

Unfair.

Helloooo Newman: zzzzz Expert

Helloooo Newman: zzzzz Expert: I went to see a sleep specialist last week. He was asleep the entire time. I never dreamed he'd be that good.

zzzzz Expert

I went to see a sleep specialist last week. He was asleep the entire time.

I never dreamed he'd be that good.

Helloooo Newman: Say goodbye to single-use condoms

Helloooo Newman: Say goodbye to single-use condoms: You know, I wasn't gonna vote Liberal next election. So many nonsensical things they are doing. But now! With the ban on single-use plas...

Say goodbye to single-use condoms

You know, I wasn't gonna vote Liberal next election. So many nonsensical things they are doing.

But now!

With the ban on single-use plastic, they are outlawing single-use condoms. 

Finally, some common sense.

I've been doing that for years.

Wash up, men. And women?

Helloooo Newman: Dogs in Heaven

Helloooo Newman: Dogs in Heaven: Lately I've been wondering why dog medications come in bottles with safety lids. Is the rate of dog suicide by overdose exploding? They ...

Dogs in Heaven

Lately I've been wondering why dog medications come in bottles with safety lids. Is the rate of dog suicide by overdose exploding?

They can't be meant for me. I don't eat poop, diapers and underwear and then have diarrhea for a week.

Vet: He's gone. An overdose. Looks like suicide.

Me: Suicide? How do you know?

Vet: He left a note

Dog: Dear family. By now you've learned the tragic news. Sorry, but you forced my paw. Leaving the toilet lid closed? I thought by following you into the bathroom 24/7 I was making it clear I want a drink. Instead, you flush the toilet and close the lid. You try going a night without a good slurp of waste water. And your shoes. I was sure that with so many of them, some had to be for me to chew. I did the math. Most of them you never wore. Those are the ones I chewed, and you still got mad.

Anyway, you did the best you could, I guess. I'm in dog heaven and it's nothing but open toilets. I hope you learn from this hard lesson and treat your next dog a lot better.

Helloooo Newman: Shrinkflation

Helloooo Newman: Shrinkflation: Economists note that shrinkflation has finally hit the porn industry. Specifically, the male porn star. For the consumer, this means less ba...

Shrinkflation

Economists note that shrinkflation has finally hit the porn industry.

Specifically, the male porn star.

For the consumer, this means less bang for their buck.

They're not sure if this shrinkflation is caused by high interest rates, the supply chain, or that men just aren't real men anymore.

Helloooo Newman: RE-joice

Helloooo Newman: RE-joice: So. Trudeau's wife re-partnered months before the breakup. I think it's time Canada re-prime minister.

RE-joice

So. Trudeau's wife re-partnered months before the breakup.

I think it's time Canada re-prime minister.

Helloooo Newman: Drink to your education

Helloooo Newman: Drink to your education: Remember all that cheap booze we used to drive to Quebec to guzzle down? Happy hour, closed streets, travelers. Well, I'm a gonna take a...

Drink to your education

Remember all that cheap booze we used to drive to Quebec to guzzle down? Happy hour, closed streets, travelers.

Well, I'm a gonna take all those savings and register at McGill.

I think that's why they gave us such awesome drink deals. So we could save up for when they capriciously double tuition for foreigners. Uh, I mean, other Canadians.

Heck, I might even learn a bit of their dying language. What is it again? French? The official language of 33 countries. Never really heard of it.

Helloooo Newman: Earth shattering

Helloooo Newman: Earth shattering: Several Canadian Liberal MPs are calling for a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas. In other important news, scientists discover that flies l...

Earth shattering

Several Canadian Liberal MPs are calling for a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas.

In other important news, scientists discover that flies like shit.

Helloooo Newman: Work hazards

Helloooo Newman: Work hazards: One of the biggest hazards in the dog walking business is the poop bag, but not in the way you might expect. Last night I left a full poop b...

Work hazards

One of the biggest hazards in the dog walking business is the poop bag, but not in the way you might expect.

Last night I left a full poop bag in my car, baking for 12 hours in the intense heat that a car reaches in October when you throw in out-of-control climate change.

Why did I do that? Why didn't I throw it out, like a sane person would do?

Good questions.

You see, sometimes clients don't have accessible green bins. Sure, I could leave the bag on their porch, or right at the front door, or maybe on their bed, in hopes of encouraging them to bring out their bin.

But I have scruples. Ethics. Morals. When it comes to matters of excrement, be it canine or human.

So I throw it in my car, right where I can see it so I don't forget it's there. Of course I have every intention of grabbing it when I see a garbage can or when I get home. I'm not stupid.

Sometimes I forget, okay? I'm preoccupied with important stuff, like opening a cold beer after a long, hot day. In October. During out-of-control climate change.

Consequently, this morning my car smelled like the instrument you would use to give a dog a colonoscopy. Or, like I was trapped in the bowels of a dog that is just finishing the digestion of a dead skunk. Or, like I was a fetus gestating inside the rectum of a Great Dane.

To top it off, I was supposed to pick someone up this morning. Someone important enough that I couldn't invite them into this riding rectum with me.

So I had to switch to my wife's car, while my car screamed in agony until the smell was gone.

So don't talk to me about your risky job. 

Come for a drive with me. By the way, I work for Uber too.

Helloooo Newman: Poetry

Helloooo Newman: Poetry: I wrote a poem for Newman What Are Ya, Chuck Berry? Newman, you're the sweetest dog to me Without you, what would I be? So stop dragging...

Poetry

I wrote a poem for Newman

What Are Ya, Chuck Berry?

Newman, you're the sweetest dog to me
Without you, what would I be?
So stop dragging your ass on the rug
What Are Ya, Chuck Berry?

He wrote one for me.

I'm Watching

Daddy, I look up to you
You feed me, love me, play and say goo goo
By the way, I'm watching while you surf the web
I'm telling mommy

Helloooo Newman: Weather Torn

Helloooo Newman: Weather Torn: I tell ya, I'm really torn about this weather. Beautiful, sunny, hot weather allows me to wear my two-piece bathing suit even longer int...

Weather Torn

I tell ya, I'm really torn about this weather.

Beautiful, sunny, hot weather allows me to wear my two-piece bathing suit even longer into the year, guzzle beer on the dock, and show off my skin-coloured tats, starting noon sharp. And people don't stare, because they're enjoying the weather too.

For a fraction of a second, in-between burps, I say "wait a minute".  This weather means we're all doomed, eventually. When? Who knows? Hopefully just before the moment people say to themselves, hey, you don't look so hot in that two-piecer anymore.

It's kind of nice existing during this existential crisis, when the weather is so gorgeous. I mean, when the dinosaurs died off, the weather really sucked. Meteorites will do that.

So, we're kind of lucky. Humanity will die off with a really nice tan, probably in a beer garden somewhere.

Helloooo Newman: A House, Fallen

Helloooo Newman: A House, Fallen: Hey - former Nazi, okay?  All I know is I've never had a Nazi in my house, let alone tell him what an awesome guy he is.

A House, Fallen

Hey - former Nazi, okay?

 All I know is I've never had a Nazi in my house,
let alone tell him what an awesome guy he is.

Helloooo Newman: Home, Sweet Ford

Helloooo Newman: Home, Sweet Ford:   After careful consultation with himself, and a small bribe, Doug Ford has approved the construction of housing on his forehead.

Home, Sweet Ford

 

After careful consultation with himself, and a small bribe,
Doug Ford has approved the construction of housing on his forehead.

Helloooo Newman: Regrets. I've had a few.

Helloooo Newman: Regrets. I've had a few.:   I guess big boy is regretting this now. And this? Enough reminiscing.

Regrets. I've had a few.

 

I guess big boy is regretting this now.
Praying for your marriage? In front of your kids?

And this?

Enough reminiscing.

Helloooo Newman: Trudopian

Helloooo Newman: Trudopian:   Since my plane won't work, maybe I should just move to India. I love the costumes. That flight had really crappy food. Should I go bac...

Trudopian

 

Since my plane won't work, maybe I should just move to India.

I love the costumes.

That flight had really crappy food.

Should I go back to the beard?

I hope Sophie doesn't get the hand blender. I really like that blender.

Hmmm. This Halloween. What's a good costume?

I thought GDP meant good day for the Prime Minister!

Helloooo Newman: Dead Body Double

Helloooo Newman: Dead Body Double:   Clouseau Prigozhin Did Putin really kill his military genius, Prigozhin? Or is he a master of disguises? Where's the body? Will we see...

Dead Body Double

 

Clouseau

Prigozhin

Did Putin really kill his military genius, Prigozhin?

Or is he a master of disguises?

Where's the body?

Will we see him in the next Pink Panther series?

You decide. 

Helloooo Newman: Supreme beating

Helloooo Newman: Supreme beating: SCOTUS has ruled that if President Trump wins the election, he can, in fact, rule from prison while being ass-raped in a shower stall. It&#3...

Supreme beating

SCOTUS has ruled that if President Trump wins the election, he can, in fact, rule from prison while being ass-raped in a shower stall.

It's the first ruling of its kind.

Helloooo Newman: Totally the bomb

Helloooo Newman: Totally the bomb:   I hear Oppenheimer is a huge bomb at the box office.

Totally the bomb

 

I hear Oppenheimer is a huge bomb at the box office.

Helloooo Newman: The Medium is the Message

Helloooo Newman: The Medium is the Message: I'm hiring a Medium to contact my dad, who died 13 years ago. Finally, he can tell me himself there's no life after death.

The Medium is the Message

I'm hiring a Medium to contact my dad, who died 13 years ago. Finally, he can tell me himself there's no life after death.

Helloooo Newman: Governor Specific

Helloooo Newman: Governor Specific: Did you hear about the Governor General of Canada? She went to Iceland and spent a very specific amount of $71,000 on limo rides. She was th...

Governor Specific

Did you hear about the Governor General of Canada?

She went to Iceland and spent a very specific amount of $71,000 on limo rides. She was there 4 days. In Reykjavik. Population 122,183. 

Turns out she rode around in the OceanGate submersible. And around, and around, and around, and around…

That's a ton of grocery money.

The submersible wasn't crushed, but the budget was.

Helloooo Newman: Trudough

Helloooo Newman: Trudough: Got my vote-for-me cheque from Trudeau. No, sorry, beer money. Wait a minute.  Is that what it's for? Um. Shit, what was it? … … Grocery...

Trudough

Got my vote-for-me cheque from Trudeau.

No, sorry, beer money.

Wait a minute. 

Is that what it's for?

Um.

Shit, what was it?

…

…

Grocery money!!

That's it. Money to buy food.

Gonna buy some food with it.

I'm hungry.

Hey, here's some money to buy food.

Not beer.

Helloooo Newman: Body of Knowledge

Helloooo Newman: Body of Knowledge: I met my favourite Physicist at a strip joint and he told me all about his G-string theory. I think he's on to something.

Body of Knowledge

I met my favourite Physicist at a strip joint and he told me all about his G-string theory. I think he's on to something.

Helloooo Newman: Let it B&B

Helloooo Newman: Let it B&B: Paul McCartney was travelling last week and stayed at an Airbnb. Supposedly he entertained the other guests by singing Let It Be and Be.

Let it B&B

Paul McCartney was travelling last week and stayed at an Airbnb. Supposedly he entertained the other guests by singing Let It Be and Be.