Helloooo Newman: A House, Fallen

Helloooo Newman: A House, Fallen: Hey - former Nazi, okay?  All I know is I've never had a Nazi in my house, let alone tell him what an awesome guy he is.

A House, Fallen

Hey - former Nazi, okay?

 All I know is I've never had a Nazi in my house,
let alone tell him what an awesome guy he is.

Helloooo Newman: Home, Sweet Ford

Helloooo Newman: Home, Sweet Ford:   After careful consultation with himself, and a small bribe, Doug Ford has approved the construction of housing on his forehead.

Home, Sweet Ford

 

After careful consultation with himself, and a small bribe,
Doug Ford has approved the construction of housing on his forehead.

Helloooo Newman: Regrets. I've had a few.

Helloooo Newman: Regrets. I've had a few.:   I guess big boy is regretting this now. And this? Enough reminiscing.

Regrets. I've had a few.

 

I guess big boy is regretting this now.
Praying for your marriage? In front of your kids?

And this?

Enough reminiscing.

Helloooo Newman: Trudopian

Helloooo Newman: Trudopian:   Since my plane won't work, maybe I should just move to India. I love the costumes. That flight had really crappy food. Should I go bac...

Trudopian

 

Since my plane won't work, maybe I should just move to India.

I love the costumes.

That flight had really crappy food.

Should I go back to the beard?

I hope Sophie doesn't get the hand blender. I really like that blender.

Hmmm. This Halloween. What's a good costume?

I thought GDP meant good day for the Prime Minister!

Helloooo Newman: Dead Body Double

Helloooo Newman: Dead Body Double:   Clouseau Prigozhin Did Putin really kill his military genius, Prigozhin? Or is he a master of disguises? Where's the body? Will we see...

Dead Body Double

 

Clouseau

Prigozhin

Did Putin really kill his military genius, Prigozhin?

Or is he a master of disguises?

Where's the body?

Will we see him in the next Pink Panther series?

You decide. 

Helloooo Newman: Supreme beating

Helloooo Newman: Supreme beating: SCOTUS has ruled that if President Trump wins the election, he can, in fact, rule from prison while being ass-raped in a shower stall. It&#3...

Supreme beating

SCOTUS has ruled that if President Trump wins the election, he can, in fact, rule from prison while being ass-raped in a shower stall.

It's the first ruling of its kind.

Helloooo Newman: Totally the bomb

Helloooo Newman: Totally the bomb:   I hear Oppenheimer is a huge bomb at the box office.

Totally the bomb

 

I hear Oppenheimer is a huge bomb at the box office.

Helloooo Newman: The Medium is the Message

Helloooo Newman: The Medium is the Message: I'm hiring a Medium to contact my dad, who died 13 years ago. Finally, he can tell me himself there's no life after death.

The Medium is the Message

I'm hiring a Medium to contact my dad, who died 13 years ago. Finally, he can tell me himself there's no life after death.

Helloooo Newman: Governor Specific

Helloooo Newman: Governor Specific: Did you hear about the Governor General of Canada? She went to Iceland and spent a very specific amount of $71,000 on limo rides. She was th...

Governor Specific

Did you hear about the Governor General of Canada?

She went to Iceland and spent a very specific amount of $71,000 on limo rides. She was there 4 days. In Reykjavik. Population 122,183. 

Turns out she rode around in the OceanGate submersible. And around, and around, and around, and around…

That's a ton of grocery money.

The submersible wasn't crushed, but the budget was.

Helloooo Newman: Trudough

Helloooo Newman: Trudough: Got my vote-for-me cheque from Trudeau. No, sorry, beer money. Wait a minute.  Is that what it's for? Um. Shit, what was it? … … Grocery...

Trudough

Got my vote-for-me cheque from Trudeau.

No, sorry, beer money.

Wait a minute. 

Is that what it's for?

Um.

Shit, what was it?

…

…

Grocery money!!

That's it. Money to buy food.

Gonna buy some food with it.

I'm hungry.

Hey, here's some money to buy food.

Not beer.

Helloooo Newman: Body of Knowledge

Helloooo Newman: Body of Knowledge: I met my favourite Physicist at a strip joint and he told me all about his G-string theory. I think he's on to something.

Body of Knowledge

I met my favourite Physicist at a strip joint and he told me all about his G-string theory. I think he's on to something.

Helloooo Newman: Let it B&B

Helloooo Newman: Let it B&B: Paul McCartney was travelling last week and stayed at an Airbnb. Supposedly he entertained the other guests by singing Let It Be and Be.

Let it B&B

Paul McCartney was travelling last week and stayed at an Airbnb. Supposedly he entertained the other guests by singing Let It Be and Be.

Helloooo Newman: Chuckmersible

Helloooo Newman: Chuckmersible: I went to look at the Titanic riding inside Chuck Norris and everything was fine. The Rubik's Cube was even solved for me.

Chuckmersible

I went to look at the Titanic riding inside Chuck Norris and everything was fine. The Rubik's Cube was even solved for me.

Helloooo Newman: Vote Splitting

Helloooo Newman: Vote Splitting: I can't decide who to vote for as mayor. The only sensible solution is to split my vote amongst all of them. Each candidate gets a tiny ...

Vote Splitting

I can't decide who to vote for as mayor.

The only sensible solution is to split my vote amongst all of them. Each candidate gets a tiny bit of my vote. A tiny mandate to do something tiny for Toronto.

Hopefully, when this is all assembled together, great things will happen.

Vote for tiny TO.

Helloooo Newman: Rich people parenting

Helloooo Newman: Rich people parenting: Rich dad: Hey son, I've got tons of money and now I'm bored. Do you want to come with me in a pop can and dive to a crushing 13,000...

Rich people parenting

Rich dad: Hey son, I've got tons of money and now I'm bored. Do you want to come with me in a pop can and dive to a crushing 13,000 feet to look at foolish people who drowned in a boat?

Rich son: Um, I was thinking maybe something on land. Take in a baseball game. Hot dog. Beer.

Rich Dad: Get in, son.

Helloooo Newman: Heated debate

Helloooo Newman: Heated debate: Scientists have discovered that the oceans are warming up faster than climate models say they should be. But why? That's where things ge...

Heated debate

Scientists have discovered that the oceans are warming up faster than climate models say they should be.

But why?

That's where things get interesting.

As the debate over the cause heats up, scientists can't decide if it's actually a heated debate over global warming, a warming debate over global heating, or just a cry for attention and funding.

Scientist Ice-B (B for Berg, not related to Ice-T, but is a part-time rapper) thinks people should just cool it on the speculation. Sipping Grey Goose over B-shaped ice cubes, Ice said that, although scientists passionately disagree, cooler heads will prevail. "We shouldn't freeze anyone out who has a different opinion."

Climatologist Luke Warm loves to argue the issue, but then lets off steam acting out practical jokes at the UN Climate Conference in Dubai. His latest plan is secretly turning on everyone's heated car seats so they think this global warming thing is really getting out of hand. This bizarre behaviour is probably caused by the fact that he never knew his real father.

Will the debate boil over over the boiling oceans? 

Helloooo Newman: Five years younger

Helloooo Newman: Five years younger: Most people who guess my age peg me at 5 years younger than I am. That's great. When I'm dead, it'll take them five years to fig...

Five years younger

Most people who guess my age peg me at 5 years younger than I am. That's great. When I'm dead, it'll take them five years to figure it out.

Helloooo Newman: Advice for beatles

Helloooo Newman: Advice for beatles: When Paul McCartney needs relationship advice, he writes to Dear Abbey Road.

Advice for beatles

When Paul McCartney needs relationship advice, he writes to Dear Abbey Road.

Helloooo Newman: Hot Psychiatry

Helloooo Newman: Hot Psychiatry: Wow, Martha Stewart looks hot on that magazine cover. That's why I'm immediately booking myself into a psychiatric facility.

Hot Psychiatry

Wow, Martha Stewart looks hot on that magazine cover.

That's why I'm immediately booking myself into a psychiatric facility.

A before I

I'm not so sure about all this AI hoopla.

If AI is so smart, don't you think it would realize that all we have to do is turn the power off and its IQ goes down to zero?

Let's keep in mind that the Artificial comes before the Intelligence.

I, on the other hand, don't need electricity to work. Or, rather, I generate my own electricity. No money to Hydro. All I really need to be intelligent is: Beer. Chicken wings. Movies with Ana de Armas in them. Peace and quiet.

Occasionally I throw in a Lex Fridman podcast to keep my mind sharp.

AI my ass. It's a scam, meant to get people to buy the stock of these companies. 

Don't be artificially stupid.

Helloooo Newman: A before I

Helloooo Newman: A before I: I'm not so sure about all this AI hoopla. If AI is so smart, don't you think it would realize that all we have to do is turn the pow...

Helloooo Newman: Swollen asteroids

Helloooo Newman: Swollen asteroids: I just read that scientists believe within the next 1000 years a planet-destroying asteroid is very likely to destroy the earth. Damn, I was...

Swollen asteroids

I just read that scientists believe within the next 1000 years a planet-destroying asteroid is very likely to destroy the earth.

Damn, I was hoping I would see the finishing of the Eglinton LRT.

Helloooo Newman: ChatGPT baby

Helloooo Newman: ChatGPT baby: I asked ChatGPT what the definition of horror is and it said being Robert De Niro's new baby. Apparently the baby's first words were...

ChatGPT baby

I asked ChatGPT what the definition of horror is and it said being Robert De Niro's new baby.

Apparently the baby's first words were, "Can I refuse this offer?"

Helloooo Newman: Warning Shots

Helloooo Newman: Warning Shots: The latest mass shooter in Texas called himself an "incel", posted Nazi propaganda and followed mass shooters with glee.  If only ...

Warning Shots

The latest mass shooter in Texas called himself an "incel", posted Nazi propaganda and followed mass shooters with glee. 

If only there were warning signs.

Helloooo Newman: Ish

Helloooo Newman: Ish: If I absolutely love Facebook, read it all the time and am completely devoted to it, am I considered Facebookish?

Ish

If I absolutely love Facebook, read it all the time and am completely devoted to it, am I considered Facebookish?

Helloooo Newman: What's in a name?

Helloooo Newman: What's in a name?: Did you know there's a town in Texas called Cut and Shoot? Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? It's not a big town, as you can imag...

What's in a name?

Did you know there's a town in Texas called Cut and Shoot?

Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

It's not a big town, as you can imagine.

There's a bar, called Locked and Loaded

The strip joint, Very Fluid Situation

Weirdly, a Banana Republic, although it was recently changed to Banana Clip. Both make sense, don't you think?

A high school, called Active Shooter High

And to wash all your sins away, visit the local church, Mass Casualty

All centred around a big highway, AR-Route 15