I've been to 8 weddings in my life.
I've been to probably as many funerals, but I use the singular "funeral". That's because all funerals are like going to the same funeral over and over again. All dead people are the same. No personality. Not much fun to be around.
But the alive people at the funeral are quite enjoyable. Ever notice there's just as much laughter at a funeral as there is at a wedding? Here's a typical conversation at a funeral: nice weather we're having eh? Ha ha ha ha ha, that's so funny, oh man, ha ha ha, I hope I don't die. Please don't take me. Not know.
I probably won't attend my own funeral, unless I can have a good standup act to officiate.
If you look carefully, weddings and funerals are not what they seem to be. With a 50% divorce rate, at a wedding you're probably saying goodbye to a wonderful friendship that will die in a few years.
If you believe in Heaven, then no one at a funeral has really died, you're actually celebrating the start of a new afterlife and you're there mostly for the wings.
People ask me if I believe in an afterlife. God, I hope not. I'm looking forward to absolute nothingness. That's where I came from before I was born and I enjoyed every minute of it.
I was watching the Long Island Medium the other day as she used her bushy blonde hair to tune into dead people. Why doesn't she every contact people in Hell? She should do a Hell special and contact Jeffrey Epstein. She can have his friends Prince Andrew and Bill Clinton on too. They could use a sneak peak at where they're headed.
We don't really know much about Hell, do we? Other than it's fucking hot. How hot, exactly? Is it a dry heat? Is it getting hotter with climate change? Are their cooling centres for people on good behaviour?
I'm off to a funeral today. Actually, they call it a visitation. By the way, Death, I'm just visiting, okay?
