I don't mean at the interpersonal level. You're sandwiched in a chairlift with a stranger or waiting for a bus and the brass-balls-off-a-monkey arctic air exfoliates your face. Weather is bound to come up as a topic.
The weather coverage on your average newscast is far too long, technical and boring.
Everything I need to know about the weather can be shown in about four pictures – a smiley face sun, clouds, raindrops (with the occasional lightning bolt) and snowflakes. Done.
You could get a JK class to report the weather every day, because they're drawing that kind of shit all the time.
I think The Wiggles singing the weather is far more interesting than what's out there now. Have you heard their rendition of Dylan's "A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall"? Completely new take on it.
I don't need to know the dew point to dew what I do. I need to know what the hell you dew for a living, weatherperson.
Some of these weather reports get into types of clouds, convection currents, wind sheers, convergence, humidity levels, warnings and minute-by-minute precipitation, all seven days in advance, and taking 20 minutes to explain.
The weatherman on CNN is so dead serious about the, um, weather. As if he's some kind of investigative reporter. Is he the Bob Woodward or Carl Bernstein of weather? I think he wrote All the President's Weathermen.
It's time to fire all the weather reporters out there and make it more interesting. Let's give some other people a chance.
Here are some ideas:
A bi-polar weather reporter: Only reports the highs and lows.
A drug dealer weather reporter: Only reports about acid rain and snow.
The ADHD, or schizophrenic, weather reporter: Only reports scattered showers.
An AA member weather reporter: Only reports during the dry season.
A bank manager weather reporter: Only reports on the owezone.
The eye doctor weather reporter: Only reports visibility.
The diamond thief weather reporter: Only reports about ice. The racially sensitive diamond thief reports about black ice too.
The only weather report I'll really pay attention to is the one 3 billion years from now when the sun is about to explode. That's useful. I'll put on a little extra sunscreen that day.
