Now I'm just a practicing human being. The hours are much better. I can be a human being anytime I want, but especially on Sunday morning I can be a human being while sleeping.
Church on Sunday morning? Isn't that the 7th day God took off when He created this whole mess? He gets to sleep in. Why can't I? Besides, does He want to hear my problems on His day off?
I don't think God mixes business with sleeping in.
Sunday seems like the worst day to be confessing sins. Sunday is bacon day at my house.
I bet God gets distracted by the smell of bacon anyway.
God: Yes, yes, as the woman walked by you touched yourself…wait a minute, is that bacon I smell? Butcher's bacon, eh? Banana pancakes too? What were we taking about? Never mind, you're forgiven. How about two strips for me?
I think people should rush to iHop on Sunday, not church. God understands.
iHop? I didn't know Apple use to be in the pancake business.
Sunday is the last day I want water turned into wine, after filling my gullet like a pelican with booze all day Saturday and suffering a cranial earthquake Sunday morning. I want water turned into Oxycontin. And will you tell that choir to shut up.
Sunday is also the last day that I want to put on a suit. There are no days, actually, but Sunday makes the least sense. Why do men wear suits to church? So many drawings I see of Jesus make Him look like a drifter.
Actually, it's pretty hard to get an idea of what Jesus looked like. The drawings vary from the Charles Manson look to pretty boy Jared Leto.
I find those kinds of Jesus' creepy. I want my Jesus to be friendly looking and approachable. Like the Trivago guy. He'd make an awesome Jesus, especially since he can check a thousand websites and get me a good deal on a room at the Inn. I need a room that takes donkeys, please.
Rushing around to church just doesn't fit with the idea of Sunday. That's why we have the Sunday driver, the slow, take it easy kind of driver. Would Jesus be a Sunday driver? Maybe not. With Roman soldiers trying to nail me to a cross, I think I'd give the car a little extra gas.
No to Sunday church. Church should be on Monday. Might as well put all the things you hate doing on the day that everyone hates.
As a practicing human being, I don't live and breath the Bible anymore. I live and breath living and breathing. My body is still a temple, but with extended drinking hours.
The gist of all this is I try and be a good person. But I still find the best part of me comes out when I'm sleeping. I'm easy to get along with, a good listener, and get all my chores done.
In answer to the title of this article, practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes being a human being.
I'm no angel, but I still practice.
