Helloooo Newman: Life of a booger

Helloooo Newman: Life of a booger: The other day I was thinking how horrible a booger's life must be. Have you ever thought that? Having a dirty olfactory job 24/7.  Then ...

Life of a booger

The other day I was thinking how horrible a booger's life must be. Have you ever thought that?

Having a dirty olfactory job 24/7. 

Then you're picked out so easily and fired off into the distance. 

No severance. Just shame.

They don't even get the respect that, say, a fart often gets. They get to enter farting contests. A fart can be a winner. No one has a booger contest.

Just cast aside like so much of the body's garbage.

Next time, give your boogers a little attention. Some respect.

You'll be glad you did.

Helloooo Newman: My new band

Helloooo Newman: My new band: If you find the time, come watch my new band. It's called OCDC. We spend 2 hours positioning the equipment just perfectly on the stage a...

New TV

I got a new HD-TV.

Real cheap.

So cheap it's actually an ADHD-TV.

It forgets which channel you picked so plays all of them.

Helloooo Newman: Two. Two galaxies in one

Helloooo Newman: Two. Two galaxies in one: Astronomers have finally determined that there's actually only a 2% chance that the Andromeda galaxy will collide with ours in a billion...

Two. Two galaxies in one

Astronomers have finally determined that there's actually only a 2% chance that the Andromeda galaxy will collide with ours in a billion years.

Still, they advise that you learn to brace yourself. 

It could get hectic. Bolt down the furniture, invest in a few more airbags for your car and plan on some vases being toppled over. The good news is it wasn't your cat.

Helloooo Newman: Bankin on it

Helloooo Newman: Bankin on it: When I went to my bank machine today, up popped a message - pick your favourite transaction? Really? My all-time favourite? Gee, let me thin...

Bankin on it

When I went to my bank machine today, up popped a message - pick your favourite transaction?

Really? My all-time favourite?

Gee, let me think...

It's not withdrawing money to pay the mortgage!

It's not withdrawing money to buy a $50 chicken, $5 banana and $3 paper bag that rips.

So I guess it's...depositing money. Ya, that's it. Especially other people's money.

Got any?

Thanks for asking.

I'll be back when I have money to deposit.

Helloooo Newman: An army of one

Helloooo Newman: An army of one: This is Murph. Murph loves food. Here he is waiting for his Amazon delivery of food. If the delivery guy forgets to bring the food, Murph wi...

An army of one

This is Murph.

Murph loves food. Here he is waiting for his Amazon delivery of food. If the delivery guy forgets to bring the food, Murph will just eat the delivery guy. Ex-delivery guy.

If the delivery guy doesn't show up, he might eat a wild rabbit, a fox or occasionally a small child. Only the annoying ones.

Murph salivates buckets when you feed him.

So much so he's joined the salivation army.

It's nice to see he volunteers.

Helloooo Newman: What kind of person are you?

Helloooo Newman: What kind of person are you?: I would say, on the whole, I'm not really a morning person. Okay, definitely not a morning person. And as the day rolls on, I realize, w...

What kind of person are you?

I would say, on the whole, I'm not really a morning person.

Okay, definitely not a morning person. And as the day rolls on, I realize, well, if I want to include all the hours of the day then I'm probably not a day person either. 

Of course, eventually day turns to night. I could say I'm not really a dusk person, just at the time the sun sets. But if I'm honest I should really include the entire night.

So I'm not a night person either.

What's left?

Napping and sleeping.

I'm a napping and sleeping person.

Helloooo Newman: Revenge Porn

Helloooo Newman: Revenge Porn: Donald Trump wants to outlaw revenge porn? I imagined him being a big fan. I wonder if the Supremes will allow it. Seems to me, on careful r...

Revenge Porn

Donald Trump wants to outlaw revenge porn? I imagined him being a big fan.

I wonder if the Supremes will allow it. Seems to me, on careful reading, the Fathers of the Constitution wanted to maintain a person's (man's) right to exact revenge on a woman that rejects him.

This is based on an originalist reading of the Constitution. Not some namby-pamby updated enlightened woke feel-good and completely understandable interpretation.

Helloooo Newman: What colour is your…?

Helloooo Newman: What colour is your…?: Finally, strippers are getting their own career advice book from the creators of What Colour is your Parachute? It's called What Colour ...

What colour is your…?

Finally, strippers are getting their own career advice book from the creators of What Colour is your Parachute?

It's called What Colour is your Underwear?

Look for it in adult stores everywhere.

Helloooo Newman: Mission: Possible (depending on what it is)

Helloooo Newman: Mission: Possible (depending on what it is): It's good to see Tom Cruise perform death-defying stunts in Mission: Impossible at the incredible age of 63. I'll be 63 soon and thi...

Mission: Possible (depending on what it is)

It's good to see Tom Cruise perform death-defying stunts in Mission: Impossible at the incredible age of 63.

I'll be 63 soon and this gives me hope.

Yesterday I removed some lint from my belly button all by myself.

Don't want to make Tom look bad but, you know, I did it by myself. No stunt double.

I followed this with a long soak in Voltaren and 2 hours of mattress time.

Tom and I have still got it!

Helloooo Newman: Boyz II Men in reverse

Helloooo Newman: Boyz II Men in reverse: When I'm really old, drooling in a cup, prattling nonsense and filling my diapers, I'm starting a band called Men to Babyz.

Boyz II Men in reverse

When I'm really old, drooling in a cup, prattling nonsense and filling my diapers, I'm starting a band called Men to Babyz.

Helloooo Newman: Smoke screen

Helloooo Newman: Smoke screen: The smoke is white. A new Pope has been erected. The alter boys await the private celebration. It was a tough choice. Between a 100-year-old...

Smoke screen

The smoke is white.

A new Pope has been erected. The alter boys await the private celebration.

It was a tough choice. Between a 100-year-old white man, a 100-year-old white man and a 100-year-old white man.

Helloooo Newman: Shhh, I'm conclaving

Helloooo Newman: Shhh, I'm conclaving: The conclaving cardinals almost agreed on a new Pope until they learned Sean "Diddy" Combs is in prison. The Diddy Pope had a nice...

Shhh, I'm conclaving

The conclaving cardinals almost agreed on a new Pope until they learned Sean "Diddy" Combs is in prison.

The Diddy Pope had a nice ring to the cardinals.

The search continues and the smoke keeps rising.

Which, of course, contributes to climate change. 

But it's not their job to save the world. That's their boss's job.

BTW I'm starting a band called Conclaving Cardinals. Our hit is "Smoke out the chimney", sung to "Smoke on the Water".

Helloooo Newman: Figurehead

Helloooo Newman: Figurehead: One appalling person making fun of another appalling person.  Both figureheads running a scam religion. Seems right.

Figurehead

One appalling person making fun of another appalling person. 

Both figureheads running a scam religion.

Seems right.

Helloooo Newman: Yes, dog walker

Helloooo Newman: Yes, dog walker: You ever watched one of those cooking shows? Where everyone says "yes, chef, yes, chef", like they're some kind of God. Hey nu...

Yes, dog walker

You ever watched one of those cooking shows? Where everyone says "yes, chef, yes, chef", like they're some kind of God.

Hey numbnuts, chop that pepper.

"YES, CHEF".

I demand the same from the dog walkers that work for me.

Hey, pick up that poop now!

"YES, DOGWALKER".

Makes me feel special.

Helloooo Newman: The best medicine

Helloooo Newman: The best medicine: If laughter is the best medicine, why don't doctors learn standup? My doctor has the sense of humour of a colon polyp. It would save mon...

The best medicine

If laughter is the best medicine, why don't doctors learn standup?

My doctor has the sense of humour of a colon polyp.

It would save money and time, too.

Think about it. Your surgeon operates while he already has you in stitches.

Helloooo Newman: Czar Search

Helloooo Newman: Czar Search: Finally Finally! The search ends. Toronto has found a congestion czar.  No, not for your sinuses. The traffic! What's been holding you b...

Czar Search

Finally

Finally!

The search ends.

Toronto has found a congestion czar. 

No, not for your sinuses.

The traffic!

What's been holding you back from driving to get food?

The absence of a congestion czar.

With his magic wand and fairy dust, he will fit more and more cars into the same old roads. Actually, even less road, if you subtract the potholes.

Unfortunately he's stuck on the Gardiner and will not start for another 6 months.

Helloooo Newman: Your deadness

Helloooo Newman: Your deadness: Poor Pope. He's in for a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig disappointment.

Your deadness

Poor Pope.

He's in for a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig disappointment.

Helloooo Newman: Food Court

Helloooo Newman: Food Court: Got in a food fight and got arrested. Had to go to a food court. Full of sleazy people. Lost. Food in jail sucks. Overcooked jail bird.

Food Court

Got in a food fight and got arrested.

Had to go to a food court. Full of sleazy people.

Lost.

Food in jail sucks. Overcooked jail bird.

Helloooo Newman: Who nose?

Helloooo Newman: Who nose?: It's strange, and more than a little ironic, that I'll never know what my nose smells like. Only the things around it. Why? Who nose...

Who nose?

It's strange, and more than a little ironic, that I'll never know what my nose smells like.

Only the things around it.

Why?

Who nose?

Helloooo Newman: What's the hubbub?

Helloooo Newman: What's the hubbub?: Today I saw a turquoise-coloured car with matching coloured hubs. No! It's the vehicular equivalent of wearing a white t-shirt with the ...

What's the hubbub?

Today I saw a turquoise-coloured car with matching coloured hubs.

No!

It's the vehicular equivalent of wearing a white t-shirt with the pocket matching your blue pants.

Stop it!

Looney Tunes

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Helloooo Newman: Food warning

Helloooo Newman: Food warning: Who's the Einstein that came up with the name rapeseed? It needs to be changed! Rape should never appear anywhere close to seed, rape sh...

Food warning

Who's the Einstein that came up with the name rapeseed?

It needs to be changed!

Rape should never appear anywhere close to seed, rape should never be a name of anything and no food should be called rapewhatever.

It's too bad. It's one of the healthiest oils you can eat.

But you're on a first date and you ask for rapeseed on your salad?

No!

Helloooo Newman: Casket case

Helloooo Newman: Casket case: I've been to a few funerals in my time. I've always enjoyed them more than, say, weddings. You don't have to hang around and eat...

Casket case

I've been to a few funerals in my time. I've always enjoyed them more than, say, weddings. You don't have to hang around and eat a crappy meal, talk to someone you don't know and dance to Neil Diamond.

Oh, and no gifts. No expensive chinaware needed.

One thing I've never understood about funerals is the open casket.

I don't get it.

You tell the dead guy to rest in peace and then you have a 100 strangers he doesn't remember staring at him and gossiping right there while he can't defend himself. It's mean.

Leave him alone. It's hard enough being dead and he can't even join the party.

Anytime I've seen an open casket, I always think, dude, ya you look good with 9 layers of makeup on and pumped full of chemicals. But let's face it. You've looked better. Let's close the lid now.

And all the makeup can't be good for the skin. And forget about the stiff suit every dead guy is forced to wear. He's literally a stuffed suit. Why can't someone wear Bermuda shorts and a sweater vest? I they want to.

Why have a lid if you're not going to use it? Wouldn't the coffin be cheaper if you skipped the lid? It's like having a bbq and buying the cover. Do you know how much those covers cost? Who needs it? Save some money.

When you think about it, though, why do coffins have lids at all? So you won't get dirt on the corpse? Oh no, there's a nasty stain on his suit! Meanwhile 10 million worms are munching away.

Finally, when you see the price of caskets, you'll be a casket case.

Go the cool way.

Go cremation.

Helloooo Newman: Window undressing

Helloooo Newman: Window undressing: You ever been porn surfing, you go to make a sandwich, accidentally leave the window up on your screen and your spouse walks by and sees it?...

Window undressing

You ever been porn surfing, you go to make a sandwich, accidentally leave the window up on your screen and your spouse walks by and sees it?

Nah, me neither!

Helloooo Newman: OCD

Helloooo Newman: OCD: Feng shui is just a fancy excuse for having OCD. Normal people put that La-z-boy chair wherever the hell they want.

OCD

Feng shui is just a fancy excuse for having OCD.

Normal people put that La-z-boy chair wherever the hell they want.

Like facing the TV and the beer fridge.

Helloooo Newman: Baby bonus

Helloooo Newman: Baby bonus: Trump is promising $1000 for every new baby. I just don't think Elon deserves $1000.