Helloooo Newman: An army of one

Helloooo Newman: An army of one: This is Murph. Murph loves food. Here he is waiting for his Amazon delivery of food. If the delivery guy forgets to bring the food, Murph wi...

An army of one

This is Murph.

Murph loves food. Here he is waiting for his Amazon delivery of food. If the delivery guy forgets to bring the food, Murph will just eat the delivery guy. Ex-delivery guy.

If the delivery guy doesn't show up, he might eat a wild rabbit, a fox or occasionally a small child. Only the annoying ones.

Murph salivates buckets when you feed him.

So much so he's joined the salivation army.

It's nice to see he volunteers.

Helloooo Newman: What kind of person are you?

Helloooo Newman: What kind of person are you?: I would say, on the whole, I'm not really a morning person. Okay, definitely not a morning person. And as the day rolls on, I realize, w...

What kind of person are you?

I would say, on the whole, I'm not really a morning person.

Okay, definitely not a morning person. And as the day rolls on, I realize, well, if I want to include all the hours of the day then I'm probably not a day person either. 

Of course, eventually day turns to night. I could say I'm not really a dusk person, just at the time the sun sets. But if I'm honest I should really include the entire night.

So I'm not a night person either.

What's left?

Napping and sleeping.

I'm a napping and sleeping person.

Helloooo Newman: Revenge Porn

Helloooo Newman: Revenge Porn: Donald Trump wants to outlaw revenge porn? I imagined him being a big fan. I wonder if the Supremes will allow it. Seems to me, on careful r...

Revenge Porn

Donald Trump wants to outlaw revenge porn? I imagined him being a big fan.

I wonder if the Supremes will allow it. Seems to me, on careful reading, the Fathers of the Constitution wanted to maintain a person's (man's) right to exact revenge on a woman that rejects him.

This is based on an originalist reading of the Constitution. Not some namby-pamby updated enlightened woke feel-good and completely understandable interpretation.

Helloooo Newman: What colour is your…?

Helloooo Newman: What colour is your…?: Finally, strippers are getting their own career advice book from the creators of What Colour is your Parachute? It's called What Colour ...

What colour is your…?

Finally, strippers are getting their own career advice book from the creators of What Colour is your Parachute?

It's called What Colour is your Underwear?

Look for it in adult stores everywhere.

Helloooo Newman: Mission: Possible (depending on what it is)

Helloooo Newman: Mission: Possible (depending on what it is): It's good to see Tom Cruise perform death-defying stunts in Mission: Impossible at the incredible age of 63. I'll be 63 soon and thi...

Mission: Possible (depending on what it is)

It's good to see Tom Cruise perform death-defying stunts in Mission: Impossible at the incredible age of 63.

I'll be 63 soon and this gives me hope.

Yesterday I removed some lint from my belly button all by myself.

Don't want to make Tom look bad but, you know, I did it by myself. No stunt double.

I followed this with a long soak in Voltaren and 2 hours of mattress time.

Tom and I have still got it!

Helloooo Newman: Boyz II Men in reverse

Helloooo Newman: Boyz II Men in reverse: When I'm really old, drooling in a cup, prattling nonsense and filling my diapers, I'm starting a band called Men to Babyz.

Boyz II Men in reverse

When I'm really old, drooling in a cup, prattling nonsense and filling my diapers, I'm starting a band called Men to Babyz.

Helloooo Newman: Smoke screen

Helloooo Newman: Smoke screen: The smoke is white. A new Pope has been erected. The alter boys await the private celebration. It was a tough choice. Between a 100-year-old...

Smoke screen

The smoke is white.

A new Pope has been erected. The alter boys await the private celebration.

It was a tough choice. Between a 100-year-old white man, a 100-year-old white man and a 100-year-old white man.

Helloooo Newman: Shhh, I'm conclaving

Helloooo Newman: Shhh, I'm conclaving: The conclaving cardinals almost agreed on a new Pope until they learned Sean "Diddy" Combs is in prison. The Diddy Pope had a nice...

Shhh, I'm conclaving

The conclaving cardinals almost agreed on a new Pope until they learned Sean "Diddy" Combs is in prison.

The Diddy Pope had a nice ring to the cardinals.

The search continues and the smoke keeps rising.

Which, of course, contributes to climate change. 

But it's not their job to save the world. That's their boss's job.

BTW I'm starting a band called Conclaving Cardinals. Our hit is "Smoke out the chimney", sung to "Smoke on the Water".

Helloooo Newman: Figurehead

Helloooo Newman: Figurehead: One appalling person making fun of another appalling person.  Both figureheads running a scam religion. Seems right.

Figurehead

One appalling person making fun of another appalling person. 

Both figureheads running a scam religion.

Seems right.

Helloooo Newman: Yes, dog walker

Helloooo Newman: Yes, dog walker: You ever watched one of those cooking shows? Where everyone says "yes, chef, yes, chef", like they're some kind of God. Hey nu...

Yes, dog walker

You ever watched one of those cooking shows? Where everyone says "yes, chef, yes, chef", like they're some kind of God.

Hey numbnuts, chop that pepper.

"YES, CHEF".

I demand the same from the dog walkers that work for me.

Hey, pick up that poop now!

"YES, DOGWALKER".

Makes me feel special.

Helloooo Newman: The best medicine

Helloooo Newman: The best medicine: If laughter is the best medicine, why don't doctors learn standup? My doctor has the sense of humour of a colon polyp. It would save mon...

The best medicine

If laughter is the best medicine, why don't doctors learn standup?

My doctor has the sense of humour of a colon polyp.

It would save money and time, too.

Think about it. Your surgeon operates while he already has you in stitches.