Helloooo Newman: You're fired!

Helloooo Newman: You're fired!: Been wondering why there are some many fires on the TTC? And always at rush hour. An in-depth, uncompromising and unbiased docmentary by the...

You're fired!

Been wondering why there are some many fires on the TTC? And always at rush hour.

An in-depth, uncompromising and unbiased docmentary by the CBC has uncovered the truth.

Drew Barrymore is the actual CEO of the TTC.

Funding for the CBC will immediately be doubled so that unanswered questions can be answered: why burn the TTC when the London Underground is far more prestigious?; why wasn't she in Firestarter 2?; is she really addicted to Reese's Pieces? 

That's the spirit, Toronto! Get fired up about the truth.

Helloooo Newman: The new TTC

Helloooo Newman: The new TTC: The TTC will be changing its name. It used to be the Toronto Transit Commission. It's now called the Toronto Transitory Commission. Tran...

The new TTC

The TTC will be changing its name.

It used to be the Toronto Transit Commission.

It's now called the Toronto Transitory Commission.

Transitory means brief or short lasting.

And that's what your subway ride will be. Because they're on their 70th year of repairing it.

Terms like "track work", "electrical issues", "fire", "raccoon", "police activity", "oil spill", "shuttle buses", "paint drying", "lunch break" and "we're tired of fixing it" are regular terms every TTC employee practices saying every day on the job.

Instead of saying TTC, please say the entire name out loud so we all know the truth.

If you really need to get to work, work in London, England. The London Underground, established in 1863, continues to hum along and is 2 billion times larger than the Toronto Transitory Commission.

Helloooo Newman: Freeland ride

Helloooo Newman: Freeland ride: If you look closely, and I have, you'll notice something strange about the "new" Chrystia Freeland running for the Liberal lea...

Freeland ride

If you look closely, and I have, you'll notice something strange about the "new" Chrystia Freeland running for the Liberal leadership.

That's right. It's Justin Trudeau in drag. Trying to sneak back into office.

This is all backed up on TikTok.

Clever guy. Girl. Bit too much lipstick if you ask me.

But at least he opted out of the blackface.

Helloooo Newman: I want my Panama

Helloooo Newman: I want my Panama: Panamanians will now call themselves pandemoniums.

I want my Panama

Panamanians will now call themselves pandemoniums.

Helloooo Newman: Presto chango

Helloooo Newman: Presto chango: Remarkable. On Trump's first day in office he has 100 executive orders lined up to be…executed. He also wants to execute more people. I ...

Presto chango

Remarkable. On Trump's first day in office he has 100 executive orders lined up to be…executed.

He also wants to execute more people. I wonder if they'll get the two confused.

I really don't think he can do it. 100 is wayyyy too many.

It's just like when I first moved in with my wife.

She had 100 chores ready for me to…execute.

I managed to get the vacuum plugged in and then required a nap. Suddenly it was the next day. Good thing executing your spouse is not allowed.

So even though you're excited about the positive change In Washington, don't plan on things happening so fast. 

Helloooo Newman: The good life

Helloooo Newman: The good life: When life gives me lemons, I wear my lululemons.

The good life

When life gives me lemons, I wear my lululemons.

Helloooo Newman: No more Factbook

Helloooo Newman: No more Factbook: Since Facebook is ending its fact checking services, I would like to finally announce that I'm Jesus Christ. Pray to me…harder!

No more Factbook

Since Facebook is ending its fact checking services, I would like to finally announce that I'm Jesus Christ.

Pray to me…harder!

Helloooo Newman: Another hero dies

Helloooo Newman: Another hero dies: I just found out the one and only Betty White had a nasty side to her behind the camera. She fat-shamed people. How to destroy any hope I ha...

Another hero dies

I just found out the one and only Betty White had a nasty side to her behind the camera.

She fat-shamed people.

How to destroy any hope I have in humanity.

Betty Fucking White…nasty!

And Michelle Obama isn't attending Trump's inaugural. 

Michelle Fucking Obama (oops, sorry).

First of all, if I was a celebrity, I'd reverse it. Be a total sweetheart behind the camera and the nastiest asshole in front of it. For transparency.

And I'm definitely selling my ticket to the trump party.

Helloooo Newman: NDE

Helloooo Newman: NDE: What's with this near death experience? People say, with this angelic look glued on their visage, that they died and joined the afterlif...

NDE

What's with this near death experience?

People say, with this angelic look glued on their visage, that they died and joined the afterlife, which is always the same. Saw my relatives, I was at total peace, no traffic, no taxes, I didn't want to come back.

Yet when they're alive they don't even want to have Thanksgiving dinner with their relatives. There are no food fights in Heaven.

Besides, if you're dead, you're not near dead. You're dead. You're not mostly dead. You're dead. So where did this "near" come from?

I'm near death. So are you. It could happen in a New York nanosecond. A Fedex truck hits you. You're dead and in Heaven, Fedup with life.

It's doesn't get any nearer.

Imagine coming back to life and your entire attitude is "I don't want to be here. This sucks. You should check out this other place" God has some 'splanin' to do. Why live if being dead is so wonderful? It's like when I was stuck in the New Jersey airport on my way to New York. This sucks, where's Legoland?

Then God saunters along, Jesus chained to His leg. Welcome to the party, pal (being in charge of the afterlife, obviously he's a Die Hard fan). Party's over. Yer going back. Enjoy. Taxes due next week.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!