Helloooo Newman: Out to lunch?

Helloooo Newman: Out to lunch?: Why are people always out to lunch? I wake up stupid in the morning sometimes and that's out to breakfast.

Out to lunch?

Why are people always out to lunch?

I wake up stupid in the morning sometimes and that's out to breakfast.

Helloooo Newman: Climate Fun Killer

Helloooo Newman: Climate Fun Killer: Under new Liberal legislation, it will be against the law to enjoy nice weather during winter. Statements like "what a nice February da...

Climate Fun Killer

Under new Liberal legislation, it will be against the law to enjoy nice weather during winter.

Statements like "what a nice February day" and "wow, this is patio weather, let's get a beer" will be strictly monitored and punishable by 2 weeks locked in an abandoned meat freezer. 

Think it's warm enough to wear shorts? Think again.

February short-wearing people will spend July in a full-body ski suit. Gotta learn, people!

Remember.

IT'S WINTER.

Stop enjoying the nice weather.

Helloooo Newman: The Partly Fake News

Helloooo Newman: The Partly Fake News: Justin Trudeau visits Ukraine Calls Putin a weakling War ends!

The Partly Fake News

Justin Trudeau visits Ukraine

Calls Putin a weakling

War ends!

Helloooo Newman: Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto

Helloooo Newman: Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto: The Law & Order franchise is finally coming to Toronto. Congratulations, Toronto. You're finally on par with the average American ci...

Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto

The Law & Order franchise is finally coming to Toronto.

Congratulations, Toronto. You're finally on par with the average American city for gun crime and random subway stabbings. Think of all the actors this will employ.

Hear that noise? That's the Canadian content police partying away. They're the ones who insisted that Law & Order: Toronto be filmed in Toronto. Rules, rules, rules.

In the first episode, a mass casualty event. 

24 people die waiting in traffic on the QEW. 

There's a football game, a baseball game, a Raptors game, a Leaf game, a Bruce Cockburn concert, a bike race in all the bike lanes and a gaggle of Metrolinx employees building an LRT under Lake Ontario because they got lost.

The police, busy counting the extra money they just got from Toronto, take extra time to respond. 

The lawyers, busy prosecuting comedians for telling inappropriate jokes, don't even hear the Dum Dum at the beginning of the show.

Future episodes: 

ArriveCan: Dead on arrival

Metrolinx: The 11 year crime

I predict 200 seasons.

The road less traveled, because it's not built

Look, mom. No roads

The Liberal party of Canada has a new "plan" for Canada.

We gathered a random group of Canadian toddlers, future voters, to ask what they think of the Liberal's new "plan".

The plan: Lots of money for electric cars and batteries. Force people to buy electric cars. Grow the country by millions of people. No more money for roads. More money to $80,000 app, developed for $60 million.

Here's what the toddlers said:

Jimmie: I like flying cars. Are they flying cars?

Carla: This sounds like the mess I just made in my diapers.

Nigel: My daddy likes to swear and drive in the bike lane. Will this mean less swearing?

Timmy: My baby carriage. Will it be electric?

Miranda: I once threw up 60 million peas.

Nuban: Socioeconomically speaking, the transfer of populations across the earth makes sense and is, in some ways, a natural occurrence. Just like when the first hominids ventured out of Africa so long ago. And ontologically speaking, humans are, in the core of their being, curious and adventurous animals. But the need for critical infrastructure to support these migrations are of supreme importance. Hopefully the right decisions will be made.

Nuban is in the gifted program.

There you have it, folks. The first reactions to the Liberal plan for the great nation of Canada. 

How will these toddlers vote when they are of age? Will they move? We can only guess.

With such common sense analysis, I'm ready to vote them in now.

Helloooo Newman: Super Bowlderdash

Helloooo Newman: Super Bowlderdash: I'm rootin' for the 69ers tomorrow.  Really counting on this Taylor Swift guy to touch some downs.

Super Bowlderdash

I'm rootin' for the 69ers tomorrow. 

Really counting on this Taylor Swift guy to touch some downs.

Helloooo Newman: brother of a greater known

Helloooo Newman: brother of a greater known: We all know Rene Descartes famously wrote, I think, therefore I am . In the Latin, that's cogito, ergo sum . Rene had a little-known bro...

brother of a greater known

We all know Rene Descartes famously wrote, I think, therefore I am. In the Latin, that's cogito, ergo sum.

Rene had a little-known brother.

Al a Cartes.

He wrote in the bathroom of a diner, I think I'll have the soup, burger and Boston creme pie, therefore I am hungry.

In the Latin, that's muchiesito, ergo fullum.

Helloooo Newman: Pornflation

Helloooo Newman: Pornflation: Economists have confirmed it. Shrinkflation has hit the porn industry. Instead of increasing prices, they're shrinking the size of penis...

Pornflation

Economists have confirmed it.

Shrinkflation has hit the porn industry.

Instead of increasing prices, they're shrinking the size of penises and boobies.

Have you noticed?

* still searching for a picture for this one

Helloooo Newman: Blinded by the Science Centre

Helloooo Newman: Blinded by the Science Centre: The chorus of babies crying for the Science Centre to stay where it is grows every larger. Who gives a crap. Where you want it. Just because...

Blinded by the Science Centre

The chorus of babies crying for the Science Centre to stay where it is grows every larger.

Who gives a crap. Where you want it. Just because it was there when you were a kid.

I want a beer store in my backyard and a brothel in my bedroom, but I don't have that, do I?

Put a diaper in it.