Helloooo Newman: No Name Dropping

Helloooo Newman: No Name Dropping: I should warn my readers that I will continue to refer to Ryerson University as Ryerson University, despite the name change. If this is a tr...

No Name Dropping

I should warn my readers that I will continue to refer to Ryerson University as Ryerson University, despite the name change. If this is a trigger for you then go pull your trigger somewhere else. Try a porn site. I can't think of any names off the top of my head, but try Pornhub.

Just like I will continue to refer to Elon Musk's son as X Æ A-12, even though his son prefers "Pi R Squared", or "The Area of a Pizza".

Helloooo Newman: Watch God

Helloooo Newman: Watch God: I was walking down the street yesterday and was going to look in this nice church, but they had a sign on the lawn saying "Beware of Go...

Watch God

I was walking down the street yesterday and was going to look in this nice church, but they had a sign on the lawn saying "Beware of God".

Crazy world, where you need a watch God to protect your shit.

Helloooo Newman: 5Gs

Helloooo Newman: 5Gs: I bet you thought when the internet companies promised us 5G, it meant surfing would be as fast and effortless as an olympic surfer dude rid...

5Gs

I bet you thought when the internet companies promised us 5G, it meant surfing would be as fast and effortless as an olympic surfer dude ridin' high off the coast of Hawaii.

Me neither.

They forgot to tell us that the 5 Gs actually stand for…

Get out your cheque book, you owe us 5 Gs

Gonads. That's where we have you by, women included

Grab a comfortable chair waiting for us to answer your call

Granny is having a heart attack and she's on her own

Go to the airport and check your bags, you'll get better service there

Helloooo Newman: What's the Emergency?

Helloooo Newman: What's the Emergency?: Is life going too well for you? Are you too happy? Do you feel you should experience more pain and suffering as a contrast to contentment,...

What's the Emergency?

Is life going too well for you?

Are you too happy?

Do you feel you should experience more pain and suffering as a contrast to contentment, so you can compare the two and feel even happier?

Are your spirits too high?

Maybe you just hate yourself. You should be punished for various peccadillos in your life.

If all these are true for you, then proceed immediately to an emergency room in a Toronto hospital. Like a human mortar and pestle, it will crush you into a fine powder of despair and ennui. No need to see a doctor because you won't anyway.

I spent 12 hours there and I am the better for it, seeing the other side of hope and humane treatment.

Turns out I was too happy after all.

Glad I could help.

Helloooo Newman: Careless Dog Whisperer

Helloooo Newman: Careless Dog Whisperer:   I'm not sure who walks this dog, but to allow it to pee on this lawn so often is egregious. 

Careless Dog Whisperer

 

I'm not sure who walks this dog, but to allow it to pee on this lawn so often is egregious. 

Helloooo Newman: Air Cancel

Helloooo Newman: Air Cancel: This Summer Air Canada will temporarily be called Air Cancel. All passengers will be issued parachutes just in case their flight is cancelle...

Air Cancel

This Summer Air Canada will temporarily be called Air Cancel.

All passengers will be issued parachutes just in case their flight is cancelled midair.

Tiny bags of 3 almonds are $150. Feel free to eat them while parachuting. If your parachute fails, worry not. You will be provided with a map of all the trampolines in the area that you can safely land on. If you manage a particularly high bounce, you could possibly join another plane that was cancelled, un-cancelled, cancelled, and then un-cancelled just as you reach the apex of your bounce.

Feel free to use the 3 almonds to represent the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost so you can pray your flight isn't suddenly cancelled and your bags don't end up in the closet of an illegal abortion clinic in Sugar Tit, South Carolina.

It is recommended that you wear all your clothes on your body at the same time just in case you never see your suitcase again.

Checking your empty suitcase will cost $300.

The movie on every flight will be Cast Away. Unless it's cancelled.

Enjoy your flight/cancelled flight. We are proud of our cancel culture.