Helloooo Newman: Halloween, Catholicism Style

Helloooo Newman: Halloween, Catholicism Style: This year the Pope is dressing up for halloween as a person who gives a shit about the welfare of children.

Halloween, Catholicism Style

This year the Pope is dressing up for halloween as a person who gives a shit about the welfare of children.

Canine Crimes

The French Bulldog is a canine crime in the making.

You'll find these creatures everywhere and more and more popular. If you can't picture one, imagine a rump roast for a body, enlarged prostate for a face, four ginger-root like stubby legs and a brain stem. Fashioned in the correct way, you have a French Bulldog. Isn't evolution amazing.

Oh, and imagine you were born and had to breath through two very thin twisty straws your entire life.

One more thing. Your heart beats faster than a hummingbird's wings every minute – your entire life.

Not sure why they are French, except that they are as bad an idea as poutine for your national cuisine.

This insanity extends to the owners of these "dogs". 

The one client we had with a French Bulldog started our conversation out this way: we don't want our dog peeing or crapping on our lawn so please don't do that. Check. Crap on the neighbours lawn. 

Apparently they rented their lawn out as a golf course. Unfortunately this policy extended to their house guests, who weren't allowed to use the washrooms and had to run to the neighbours with the dog.

We walked this dog, Harvey, for half an hour, twice a week. That's one hour per week. Quite the workout program. It certainly rivals Goop. And "walking" is a bit of an exaggeration. I kind of rolled him along like I would a rump roast in salt and pepper for a more flavourful meat. This seemed completely natural to Harvey. What does he know? I'm sure he looks in the mirror and sees Lassie. Good for him.

Anyway, the client fired us. Shit. Was Harvey unhappy? What does an unhappy prostate look like? I'll ask my doctor during my next exam. Did I accidentally let him crap on his own lawn and he snitched? If I were him I would have crapped all over my owner's bed as a big "fuck you" to where I can crap.

Nope. He wasn't losing enough weight. Apparently the back-breaking, marathon-tested one hour workout wasn't turning Harvey from a rump roast into a breakfast sausage.

But, they had a very nice lawn.

Helloooo Newman: Canine Crimes

Helloooo Newman: Canine Crimes: The French Bulldog is a canine crime in the making. You'll find these creatures everywhere and more and more popular. If you can't p...

Helloooo Newman: Supply Chain

Helloooo Newman: Supply Chain:  Went to buy some chains – but the damn supply chain

Supply Chain

 Went to buy some chains – but the damn supply chain

Helloooo Newman: Too Much Doodling

Helloooo Newman: Too Much Doodling: Being in the dog world, it's safe for me to say there is far too much doodling going on. Doodling, canine-wise, is the practice of mixin...

Too Much Doodling

Being in the dog world, it's safe for me to say there is far too much doodling going on.

Doodling, canine-wise, is the practice of mixing poodle with every other dog breed on earth. The goal is to have a nice family dog that has no personality, no ambition as a dog, and looks as bland as a bowl of cold oatmeal.

What ever happened to the Dalmation? Distinctive dog. The jersey cow in dog form. Creative, interesting, and has the ability to act in movies.

The next doodle on the assembly line is the Subdoodle – a poodle mixed with the white bread from a Subway sandwich. 

Get your Subdoodle franchise today.

Helloooo Newman: De-Facedbook

Helloooo Newman: De-Facedbook: I've de-faced myself. Okay, not completely. I'm still on Facebook, but I will no longer check it. Consequently, Facebook has sent me...

De-Facedbook

I've de-faced myself.

Okay, not completely. I'm still on Facebook, but I will no longer check it. Consequently, Facebook has sent me about fourteen thousand notifications to view…Facebook. An important message. A new memory. That's my favourite. I have trouble remembering the important things in my life without the help of Facebook.

Shit, did I get married? Thanks, Facebook.

There's a right-wing rally just down the street from me? Be right there.

So, Facebook is now just a vehicle for transmitting my world-renowned blog, much like Dulcolax helps transmit feces into your toilet.

If you want to wish me happy birthday, you'll have to resort to sky-writing or make a donation in my name to my favourite brewery.

Bye Facebook. I know you'll mss me.

Helloooo Newman: Truth and Tofino

Helloooo Newman: Truth and Tofino:   Do you know where this is? You should know soon because this is where Canadians will go to "celebrate" Truth and Reconciliation ...

Truth and Tofino

 

Do you know where this is?

You should know soon because this is where Canadians will go to "celebrate" Truth and Reconciliation Day.

Hey Canada, you voted for him.