Shell Game

Instead of shelling out for candy this Halloween, we're shelling out more money for hydro. Happy fuckin' Halloween.

It gets darker much earlier. Do you need lights? Hope not.

Did you know that Toronto Hydro listed as one of its reasons for a rate increase that people are conserving too much power and it leads to reduced revenue?

Put that in your candy bag and let it rot.

I want you to go to your window, open it and stick your head out and yell: I'm mad as hell and I'll take it for as long they tell me to.

Then close the window. Because you have to heat your house.

Helloooo Newman: Shell Game

Helloooo Newman: Shell Game: Instead of shelling out for candy this Halloween, we're shelling out more money for hydro. Happy fuckin' Halloween.

Helloooo Newman: Lean and Mean

Helloooo Newman: Lean and Mean:  Have any of you tried leaning in? I get some mean back spasms. Think I'll just sit back and relax.

Lean and Mean

 Have any of you tried leaning in? I get some mean back spasms. Think I'll just sit back and relax.

Helloooo Newman: Evolution

Helloooo Newman: Evolution: Doctors in a really small town somewhere in the deep south of the United States, where people don't wear masks, have confirmed the first...

Evolution

Doctors in a really small town somewhere in the deep south of the United States, where people don't wear masks, have confirmed the first baby to be born already wearing a mask. 

This finally proves that evolution is at work, even down there, and it's really important.

Helloooo Newman: Modern Day Sex

Helloooo Newman: Modern Day Sex: A couple had virtual sex through eHarmony. He got an e-rection, she found her e-spot and after, they both smoked e-cigarettes.

Modern Day Sex

A couple had virtual sex through eHarmony. He got an e-rection, she found her e-spot and after, they both smoked e-cigarettes.

Helloooo Newman: The Masked Surgeon

Helloooo Newman: The Masked Surgeon: From the makers of The Masked Singer comes The Masked Surgeon. Three people are dressed as surgeons and ready to operate. Only one is a rea...

The Masked Surgeon

From the makers of The Masked Singer comes The Masked Surgeon.

Three people are dressed as surgeons and ready to operate. Only one is a real surgeon.

Can you tell who is the real surgeon and who are the hacks?

No, it's not always based on which patients die on the table.

Currently booking auditions for patients.

Helloooo Newman: Amazon

Helloooo Newman: Amazon: Weird how they named a jungle after Amazon. What does a beautiful natural phenomenon have to do with a company that delivers my underwear so...

Amazon

Weird how they named a jungle after Amazon. What does a beautiful natural phenomenon have to do with a company that delivers my underwear so fast I'm wearing it before I get out of the shower?

Helloooo Newman: Punch Buggy

Helloooo Newman: Punch Buggy: Perhaps you are familiar with that widely popular and sophisticated game "Punch Buggy, No Punch Backs". I think it was developed b...

Punch Buggy

Perhaps you are familiar with that widely popular and sophisticated game "Punch Buggy, No Punch Backs". I think it was developed by the inventor of Chess and Kerplunk.

Here's your objective: while you're driving, you try and spot as many Volkswagen Beetles as you can and every time you see one you punch your passenger while bleating "Punch Buggy, No Punch Backs".

Neat, eh?

Make sure you work in that important comma – punch buggy (pause) no punch backs. Crucial. You don't want to be caught saying "punch buggy no punch (pause) backs". Confusing, and it ruins the fun.

My daughter loves this game. So I asked her, hey daughter, what if I'm driving alone all day and I see 15 Beatles (oops, Beetles) on my trip. Can I store up the requisite punches, get home and then punch you 15 times?

I'd like that.

No, she said. Also, what the hell is requisite?

Why not?

Well, how do I know you actually saw the Beetles?

Because I'm your dad. And I can take pictures of them.

NO.

Then she punched me.

Said it was a pre-punch, for the next time we play the game.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween

Helloooo Newman: Halloween:  It's impossible to cancel Halloween when everyone will be wearing masks anyway.

Halloween

 It's impossible to cancel Halloween when everyone will be wearing masks anyway.

Helloooo Newman: Poultry in Motion

Helloooo Newman: Poultry in Motion: Why did the chicken cross the street? Because there's a fucking pandemic and someone is walking down the sidewalk from the other directi...

Poultry in Motion

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because there's a fucking pandemic and someone is walking down the sidewalk from the other direction so he has to cross the road or possibly get horribly sick and die. Or make someone horribly sick and die.

Why did he cross the road again?

Oh look, someone is on the other side too. Guess he'll just walk down the middle of the stupid road and get butterflied by a Staples delivery truck. 

That's why he crossed the goddamn road.

Too bad he failed his interview to be a chicken at Swiss Chalet.