Helloooo Newman: Fatherboard: How come computers only come with a motherboard? Where's the father? As my parents said, every good computer needs a mother and a father...
HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Tuesday, 30 June 2020
Fatherboard
How come computers only come with a motherboard? Where's the father?
As my parents said, every good computer needs a mother and a father.
I'm selling computers with a motherboard and fatherboard (also called a parentsboard). Whenever the computer has a query, it first sends a message to the fatherboard and the fatherboard says, "ask your mother."
I'm selling computers with a motherboard and fatherboard (also called a parentsboard). Whenever the computer has a query, it first sends a message to the fatherboard and the fatherboard says, "ask your mother."
Thursday, 25 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Godzilla's Son
Helloooo Newman: Godzilla's Son: Why haven't we heard from Godzilla's son, Jesuszilla? It's time he came back.
Wednesday, 17 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Breaking Up With God
Helloooo Newman: Breaking Up With God: True Story: The lead singer of a Christian Rock group announces he no longer believes in God. Not Quite True Story: Here's his convers...
Breaking Up With God
True Story: The lead singer of a Christian Rock group announces he no longer believes in God.
Not Quite True Story: Here's his conversation with God
God: Really? I didn't notice.
Rock Star: You didn't notice my lack of faith?
God: Honestly, no. It's been a busy last few months up here.
Rock Star: How can you say that? I've been tearing apart every cell in my body struggling with this. I could barely sing your glorious songs on stage without feeling massive existential angst. Did you not realize my Bible has been gathering dust under a stack of comic books for a year?
God: You don't say. I knew I should have added pictures. By the way, some of your songs are a little over-produced.
Rock Star: Ya, you're right. They wouldn't listen to me. "We're following God's will", they said.
God: I don't manage bands. Hey, have you met Bono?
Rock Star: No.
God: Damn. Seems like a neat guy. Always trying to save the world. Of course, I overlook that he hides his money in other countries to save taxes. We all pay in the end.
Rock Star: Where do I go now? What's my path? My journey?
God: Don't look at me. Here's an idea. Maybe you're confusing lack of faith with lack of a successful career.
Rock Star: Huh?
God: Believe in yourself. Forget about me. I'm doing fine.
Rock Star: And that means…
God: Who are you talking to right now?
Rock Star: You.
God: You sure?
Rock Star: Are you trying to send me a message?
God: No, I'm trying to get back to work. Now run along and think about what I said.
Monday, 15 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Tiny Bubbles
Helloooo Newman: Tiny Bubbles: Isn't it exciting that we're moving to stage 2? Something about bubbles. I can take a bubble bath with 10 friends. Wasn't on my ...
Tiny Bubbles
Isn't it exciting that we're moving to stage 2? Something about bubbles. I can take a bubble bath with 10 friends. Wasn't on my list of things to enjoy, but now that I'm allowed to, why not?
Just as I was fitting my tenth friend into my friend bubble, someone came along and burst my bubble. My friends fell out and died from head wounds.
The media keeps telling me to get out of my bubble. Learn about the world and people. Now I'm suppose to create a bubble and get in it with ten friends. Confusing.
Just as I was fitting my tenth friend into my friend bubble, someone came along and burst my bubble. My friends fell out and died from head wounds.
The media keeps telling me to get out of my bubble. Learn about the world and people. Now I'm suppose to create a bubble and get in it with ten friends. Confusing.
Saturday, 13 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Warp Core
Helloooo Newman: Warp Core: I've been doing exercises to strengthen my core and realized Picard ejected my core years ago.
Warp Core
I've been doing exercises to strengthen my core and realized Picard ejected my core years ago.
Monday, 8 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: How Come?
Helloooo Newman: How Come?: How come when someone figures something difficult out, they've always put "two and two together" ? Why not one and one? It'...
How Come?
How come when someone figures something difficult out, they've always put "two and two together"? Why not one and one? It's easier math. I think way back when they invented math, someone was showing their addition skills off. I usually put pi and ice cream together. Much more rewarding.
How come half and half cream isn't called whole cream? Two halves make a whole, no? Lousy math.
How come we don't pronounce it zedbra in Canada?
How come we still call it mileage?
How come half and half cream isn't called whole cream? Two halves make a whole, no? Lousy math.
How come we don't pronounce it zedbra in Canada?
How come we still call it mileage?
How come when someone says something, we say it came from their lips. "From her lips came the words "I love you". No way. Came from her voice box, which travels along her vocal tract, a complicated system that pushes air to make sound and also involves the larynx, pharynx, mouth and nasal cavity. The lips are minimally involved, and only at the last second. The only thing that actually comes from her lips is lipstick, and you better not let your wife see it.
Sunday, 7 June 2020
Wednesday, 3 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Smart Plants
Helloooo Newman: Smart Plants: Plants – or at least the ones I buy – are incredibly smart creatures. The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water ...
Smart Plants
Plants – or at least the ones I buy – are incredibly smart creatures.
The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water and when I'm watering them with a hose. They know the real stuff. They hate the fake stuff. That's the only reasonable explanation for why every plant that's every been in my company has died a prompt death.
When I water a plant, the plant says (or thinks, since I've never heard them talk) "ha, Paul has the hose on us again. Thinks it will keep us alive. We'll show him."
And then they die. It's mean of them. I have to drink water from a tap. I don't always run out and open my mouth when it's raining to get me daily 7 glasses. Why can't plants do the same?
I once had a cactus and the instructions said don't over-water. So I didn't over-water. Thing died in about 2 weeks. Left a note saying "you didn't water me enough."
Give me a break. But what a smart cactus.
The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water and when I'm watering them with a hose. They know the real stuff. They hate the fake stuff. That's the only reasonable explanation for why every plant that's every been in my company has died a prompt death.
When I water a plant, the plant says (or thinks, since I've never heard them talk) "ha, Paul has the hose on us again. Thinks it will keep us alive. We'll show him."
And then they die. It's mean of them. I have to drink water from a tap. I don't always run out and open my mouth when it's raining to get me daily 7 glasses. Why can't plants do the same?
I once had a cactus and the instructions said don't over-water. So I didn't over-water. Thing died in about 2 weeks. Left a note saying "you didn't water me enough."
Give me a break. But what a smart cactus.
Tuesday, 2 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Urban Legend
Helloooo Newman: Urban Legend: Why aren't there rural legends. I've met a lot of creepy people in a rural setting, and they didn't all play the banjo.
Urban Legend
Why aren't there rural legends. I've met a lot of creepy people in a rural setting, and they didn't all play the banjo.
Monday, 1 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Unprecedented Times
Helloooo Newman: Unprecedented Times: These unprecedented times are actually un-unprecedented times, just like the last unprecedented times.
Unprecedented Times
These unprecedented times are actually un-unprecedented times, just like the last
unprecedented times.
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