Helloooo Newman: Recession: What if I'm feeling down, but not really, really down? I'm not in a depression. More like a recession. Can I take anti-recessants?...
HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Saturday, 30 May 2020
Recession
What if I'm feeling down, but not really, really down? I'm not in a depression. More like a recession.
Can I take anti-recessants?
Can I take anti-recessants?
Sunday, 24 May 2020
Helloooo Newman: Kim Jong-un believeable
Helloooo Newman: Kim Jong-un believeable: The North Korean regime finally admitted that their dear leader does not operate outside of the laws of physics. It turns out that Kim ...
Kim Jong-un believeable
The North Korean regime finally admitted that their dear leader does not operate outside of the laws of physics.
It turns out that Kim cannot, after all, bend time and space. Interestingly though, he can bend a 260 mile Twinkie and insert it in his mouth. That's the length of the Korean DMZ and Kim's ego.
Upon hearing this, the song Break it to Them Gently came to mind. By Burton Cummings. There's also a song by Brenda Lee called Break it to Me Gently, which would do fine too, but kind of before my time.
I really wish they would have properly prepared the world for this startling news. You can't just go and break illusions like that and expect things to go on like tickety-boo.
To quote the regime: Kim cannot disappear, bend space and reappear somewhere else. That's impossible."
The real scandal is that they are wrong about this. General Relativity does, indeed, predict wormholes, which would allow you to travel huge distances in a short time by warping space. Keep in mind that space warps in the presence of a huge mass, like Kim's stomach. Of course, you need to build an Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which I'm told doesn't come cheap, and you can't even drive your car over it. It would cost way more to build than the Chunnel did, and at the end of it you can't buy a freshly baked croissant.
But just imagine, in the morning you can get from your bed to the coffee maker instantly. Not quite fast enough for me, but it'll have to do.
Maybe Kim is short-selling himself. Has he ever tried travelling through a wormhole? He is, after all, Rocket Man. Would he fit in one? What would it do to his hair?
Important questions that science needs to answer.
Wednesday, 20 May 2020
Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Twister
Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Twister: Yesterday we played Twister with social distancing. Some call it yoga.
Helloooo Newman: Golf Nut
Helloooo Newman: Golf Nut: I'm so glad golfing is back. I can continue to practice socially distancing the ball from the hole.
Golf Nut
I'm so glad golfing is back. I can continue to practice socially distancing the ball from the hole.
Monday, 18 May 2020
Wednesday, 13 May 2020
Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Surgery
Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Surgery: People who want an apandectomy want all the restrictions removed.
Monday, 11 May 2020
Helloooo Newman: Murder Hornets
Helloooo Newman: Murder Hornets: Many scientists are pushing back on the exaggerated danger of murder hornets. With a good lawyer, the hornets have argued their crimes down ...
Murder Hornets
Many scientists are pushing back on the exaggerated danger of murder hornets. With a good lawyer, the hornets have argued their crimes down to class-bee misdemeanors.
Helloooo Newman: Visiting Hours
Helloooo Newman: Visiting Hours: I'm so desperate to have someone over to chat with, I think I'd even invite Charles Manson over. If he weren't already dead. Or ...
Visiting Hours
I'm so desperate to have someone over to chat with, I think I'd even invite Charles Manson over. If he weren't already dead. Or maybe it would be a better visit that way.
What would we talk about, I wonder? Did you know he actually wrote a song that the Beach Boys recorded? But they changed the words and Mr. Manson got really mad. He gave Dennis Wilson, once a fan of Charles, a bullet to express his displeasure.
I'd definitely ask Mr. Manson about that, since questions like, "What do you think of the weather we're having" probably wouldn't interest a guy that has anger issues the size of the Big Bang.
Oh, and when Mr. Manson presented Mr. Wilson with the bullet, Mr. Wilson beat the crap out of Mr. Manson.
I'd do that too. After a nice conversation, I'd beat the crap out of Mr. Manson. But I wouldn't stop until he couldn't converse anymore.
Sigh. I miss having people over.
What would we talk about, I wonder? Did you know he actually wrote a song that the Beach Boys recorded? But they changed the words and Mr. Manson got really mad. He gave Dennis Wilson, once a fan of Charles, a bullet to express his displeasure.
I'd definitely ask Mr. Manson about that, since questions like, "What do you think of the weather we're having" probably wouldn't interest a guy that has anger issues the size of the Big Bang.
Oh, and when Mr. Manson presented Mr. Wilson with the bullet, Mr. Wilson beat the crap out of Mr. Manson.
I'd do that too. After a nice conversation, I'd beat the crap out of Mr. Manson. But I wouldn't stop until he couldn't converse anymore.
Sigh. I miss having people over.
Wednesday, 6 May 2020
Fighting Spirit
For some reason my Facebook feed is showing short fight scenes from all kinds of different movies.
Finally, I'm learning something useful on Farcebook.
Finally, I'm learning something useful on Farcebook.
Sorry. Facebook.
Helloooo Newman: Fighting Spirit
Helloooo Newman: Fighting Spirit: For some reason my Facebook feed is showing short fight scenes from all kinds of different movies. Finally, Facebook is useful.
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