Helloooo Newman: Get to the Chopper

Helloooo Newman: Get to the Chopper: I know, get to the chopper: Watching Predator for the four thousandth and oneth time:

Get to the Chopper

Get to the chopper, get to the chopper, but is it clean?:
Watching Predator for the four thousandth and oneth time: 

Helloooo Newman: Social Long Distancing

Helloooo Newman: Social Long Distancing: Maybe someone can help me out with this. I thought it was 6 feet away we are suppose to keep from each other. My wife tells me it's two ...

Social Long Distancing

Maybe someone can help me out with this. I thought it was 6 feet away we are suppose to keep from each other. My wife tells me it's two floors and 3 walls away, which has put me in the garage for the last two weeks.

Is that right?

Helloooo Newman: Essential Drinking

Helloooo Newman: Essential Drinking: For years now when I get a physical, I tell my doctor that liquor is an essential service. Now that we can admit that, let's make it che...

Essential Drinking

For years now when I get a physical, I tell my doctor that liquor is an essential service. Now that we can admit that, let's make it cheaper.

Helloooo Newman: Quarantine

Helloooo Newman: Quarantine: I'v never found the L.L. Bean catalogue as interesting as I do now.

Quarantine

I'v never found the L.L. Bean catalogue as interesting as I do now.

Let's not forget the J. Crew catalogue. It has an amazing Spring catalogue. Has a few sweater vests I have my eye on for those coldish Spring mornings. Paired with a snappy turtleneck, it's a killer wardrobe.

Things are looking up.

Helloooo Newman: Human Race

Helloooo Newman: Human Race: When rats go to work, I wonder if they complain about being stuck in the human race.

Human Race

When rats go to work, I wonder if they complain about being stuck in the human race.

Helloooo Newman: Blind Date

Helloooo Newman: Blind Date: What happens when two blind people go on a date? Is that called a blind date? It can't be. Based on that criteria, we would have to...

Helloooo Newman: Emojincy

Helloooo Newman: Emojincy: Hey, has anyone seen any toilet paper emojies around? This is my last roll.

Emojincy

Hey, has anyone seen any toilet paper emojies around? This is my last roll.

Helloooo Newman: Come Together

Helloooo Newman: Come Together: I like how this crisis is bringing people together, so long as they stay away from me.

Come Together

It's encouraging how this crisis is bringing people closer together,
so long as they stay 6 feet away from me.

Helloooo Newman: Six Feet Away, Not Under

Helloooo Newman: Six Feet Away, Not Under: In light of the social distancing rules, I will not tailgate for 3 months. Justin Trudeau announced that all Canadians who play Monopoly w...

Six Feet Away, Not Under

In light of the social distancing rules, I will not tailgate for 3 months.

Justin Trudeau announced that all Canadians who play Monopoly will start with a $5000 stimulus package to get the game going. If you buy houses, shelter in place. If you buy hotels, lay everyone off and close them.

A new edition of Twister will be sold in which players stand 6 feet apart and twist each other's words.

Canada Geese flying home will be required to fly 6 feet apart. Hummingbirds, 6 centimetres apart.

The game Dominoes will no longer be sold, as the pieces must be kept 6 feet apart, and nothing interesting will occur.

Stay six feet away, not six feet under.

Helloooo Newman: End of Days

Helloooo Newman: End of Days: Is this virus the end of days? Really? Isn't the end of days already here because there's a show called The Masked Singer and Sara...

End of Days

Is this virus the end of days? Really?

Isn't the end of days already here because there's a show called The Masked Singer and Sarah Palin was one of the singers?

Hurry up and end the world.

Helloooo Newman: Washing My Hands of Everything

Helloooo Newman: Washing My Hands of Everything: I'm a little concerned that washing hands properly for many adults is a huge intellectual achievement. Actually, I'm really concerne...

Washing My Hands of Everything

I'm a little concerned that washing hands properly for many adults is a huge intellectual achievement. Actually, I'm really concerned. We just may be the only intelligent life in the universe, and we need videos to teach people how to wash their hands.

You want people to learn how to wash their hands? Take away the toilet paper. Everyone can wipe their ass with their hands. People will learn very quickly how to properly wash their hands.

Helloooo Newman: Covid-19

Helloooo Newman: Covid-19: Donald Trump refuses to be tested for Covid-19 but agrees to be tested for Covfefe-19, and hopes he has it.

Covid-19

Donald Trump refuses to be tested for Covid-19 but agrees to be tested for Covfefe-19, and hopes he has it.

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic: It's found in countries all over the world. On every continent but Antarctica. Millions are affected by it. Many don't show obvious ...

Pandemic

It's found in countries all over the world. On every continent but Antarctica. Millions are affected by it. Many don't show obvious symptoms.

Even the WHO agrees, although Roger Daltrey is a dissenter.

It's official. CNN is a pandemic.

Helloooo Newman: Unfortunate Names

Helloooo Newman: Unfortunate Names: I guess Corona beer is kinda suffering the same fate as the discontinued product Ayds , the appetite-suppressant candy with an unfortunate n...

Unfortunate Names

I guess Corona beer is kinda suffering the same fate as the discontinued product Ayds, the appetite-suppressant candy with an unfortunate name.

Be careful what you name your product. Or your kids.

Helloooo Newman: The Coronavirus Economy

Helloooo Newman: The Coronavirus Economy: STARTING TODAY: With every dog walk you get a bottle for Purell for $1,000.

The Coronavirus Economy

STARTING TODAY: With every dog walk you get a free bottle for Purell for $1,000.

Helloooo Newman: A Touching Story

Helloooo Newman: A Touching Story: There once existed a world where doctors told people not to touch their face at all so they won't get sick. Let me speak for all men. ...

A Touching Story

There once existed a world where doctors told people not to touch their face at all so they won't get sick.

Let me speak for all men.

There are two places on my body I love to touch, and one of them is my face. If I can't touch that, then…

Helloooo Newman: Coronavirus

Helloooo Newman: Coronavirus: Doctors discover that you can get the coronavirus from watching news coverage about it.

Coronavirus

Doctors discover that you can get the coronavirus from watching news coverage about it.