Helloooo Newman: Halloween In Quebec

Helloooo Newman: Halloween In Quebec: I went to Montreal one time for Halloween and instead of saying "trick or treat" I said "trick or steak frites".

Halloween In Quebec

I went to Montreal one time for Halloween and instead of saying "trick or treat" I said "trick or steak frites".

Helloooo Newman: Dr. Dog

Helloooo Newman: Dr. Dog: I'm writing a new tv show about a puppy dog that can smell when people have cancer. It's called Doggie Howser, MD.

Dr. Dog

I'm writing a new tv show about a puppy dog that can smell when people have cancer. It's called Doggie Howser, MD.

Helloooo Newman: Sex Dolls

Helloooo Newman: Sex Dolls: I'm starting a new courier company that only delivers sex dolls. It's called Impurolator .

Sex Dolls

I'm starting a new courier company that only delivers sex dolls. It's called Impurolator.

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis: Okay, okay, I know you've all been waiting for my analysis of the Sleep Country Canadian election. Justin Trudeau lost the popular vot...

Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis

Okay, okay, I know you've all been waiting for my analysis of the Sleep Country Canadian election.

Justin Trudeau lost the popular vote. This means not that many people want free camping. They are either completely rational people who hate sleeping on a rock, getting rain-soaked, visiting a disgusting outhouse, listening to other families fight, and, gosh darn, don't get their coffee at Tim Hortons, or they love it so much they are willing to go bankrupt to do it.

But…he won the most seats. This means they like camping, but not in a national park. They'd rather camp at a place like the King Edward Hotel for rich people, or maybe just in a house they can barely afford.

Andrew Scheer won the popular vote. This means people do want free admission into museums and art galleries, one of his benchmark promises.

But…he won fewer seats than Justin. This means people don't want to go to museums to see old fossils and scary spiders. They want to see stuff like politicians that have substance, maybe a live sex show, and groceries, home renovation equipment, clothes, medications, tv's and liquor. Basically everything but old fossils and scary spiders.

Boom!

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Minority Report

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Minority Report: Is the free camping still on?

Canada's Minority Report

Is the free camping still on?

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Exercising your Franchise

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Exercising your Franchise: I love election day because instead of actually exercising, getting sweaty, out of breath and all that shit, I just exercise my franchise. ...

The Importance of Exercising your Franchise

I love election day because instead of actually exercising, getting sweaty, out of breath and all that shit, I just exercise my franchise. Followed by a plate full of wings.

Helloooo Newman: Beer Gut

Helloooo Newman: Beer Gut: My beer gut is getting big enough that I think they'll finally let me into pre-natal yoga classes.

Beer Gut

My beer gut is getting big enough that I think they'll finally let me into pre-natal yoga classes.

Helloooo Newman: Dog Files

Helloooo Newman: Dog Files: This is Jackson, one of my dogs. Walking Jackson is like walking a cement truck, only the cement truck is smarter and more obedient. ...

Dog Files

This is Jackson, one of my dogs.

Walking Jackson is like walking a cement truck, only the cement truck is smarter and more obedient.

Others think he's cute. One time a lady came up to pet him and Jackson developed a hard-on the size of a goalie's hockey stick. How embarrassing. For Jackson.

Ever since that incident, instead of calling him Jacks-on, I call him Jacks-off.

He craps like an elephant and has the memory of a toaster.

Sure. I love him for his faults.

Helloooo Newman: Bond Movie

Helloooo Newman: Bond Movie: I hear that in the new Bond movie, James fails to save the world, and instead chokes to death on a Jimmy Dean sausage while undercover in Da...

Bond Movie

I hear that in the new Bond movie, James fails to save the world, and instead chokes to death on a Jimmy Dean sausage while undercover in Dayton.

The hero this time is his son, Savings.

The peace is kept by his daughter, Dura.

But they're both Russian assets.

Helloooo Newman: Dates

Helloooo Newman: Dates: I use to date a girl that looked 20% like Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks and 80% like Chuck Norris. I called her Chick Norris.

Dates

I use to date a girl that looked 20% like Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks and 80% like Chuck Norris. I called her Chick Norris.

Helloooo Newman: Changing My Political Underwear

Helloooo Newman: Changing My Political Underwear: I'm changing my political mind like underwear in this election. I was all set to choose free camping from the "everything is free...

Changing My Political Gotchies

I'm changing my political mind like gotchies in this election.

I was all set to choose free camping from the "everything is free" Liberal party.

Then Scheer stupidity offered…free museums.

Not a day goes by that I don't resent having to pay to see dinosaur bones, mummy portraits and stuffed mastodons. I have an ancient axe to grind about it, which you can view in the early man section.

You know why Scheer loves museums? Because that's where he dusts off all his ancient ideas about things.

Tell me he doesn't look like a figure in a wax museum…which will have free admission.

We're lucky to have all this free-dom.

Helloooo Newman: Director's Cut

Helloooo Newman: Director's Cut: I went to the theatre last night. Saw Romeo and Juliet – the Director's cut. Way better than the original.

Director's Cut

I went to the theatre last night. Saw Romeo and Juliet – the Director's cut. Way better than the original.

Helloooo Newman: Meanwhile, Back in Sleep Country Canada

Helloooo Newman: Meanwhile, Back in Sleep Country Canada: Shaping up to be a nail-biter Canadian election, eh? I had just decided to vote for Sheer and then realized I was doing it out of sheer bl...

Meanwhile, Back in Sleep Country Canada

Shaping up to be a nail-biter Canadian election, eh?

I had just decided to vote for Sheer and then realized I was doing it out of sheer blindness. The guy pretended to be an insurance salesman. And it wasn't even Halloween. Obviously Sheer was tired of having sex around this time of his life. Of course, being a conservative, he can't enjoy sex anyway. I'm sure Trudeau was looking for sex by painting his face black. I love a clear choice.

But, gotta say, Trudeau clinched it for me. Dude's gonna give me $2000 to go camping. Fuckin' ya. What Canadian doesn't have a right to play road hockey, go camping and follow it up with some timbits? Of course, I could really use the $2000 for some adult braces so I can have the prefect smile, like Justin. Oh well, gotta make sacrifices.

Legend has it the government paid for Tom Thomson to go camping too. Oh shit, he drowned. Yo, Justin, can you throw in some swimming lessons?

Meanwhile, in the US, people will be camping out to watch the impeachment live. And they have to pay for it themselves.