Helloooo Newman: Racquet Sports

Helloooo Newman: Racquet Sports: Whenever someone says to me, "The ball's in your court, Paul" , I never know what sport we're playing. Is it tennis? Pin...

Racquet Sports

Whenever I'm planning something and someone says to me, "The ball's in your court, Paul", I never know which sport we're playing.

Is it tennis? Ping pong? Completely different games. Different rackets. Different swings. Different scoring. Different rules. Plus, I prefer playing tennis using a ping pong net.

That's why the ball usually hangs out in my court, and I may not get back to you for a few years.

Sorry.

Helloooo Newman: What's Your Emergency?

Helloooo Newman: What's Your Emergency?: Why do tow trucks get to have flashing lights, presuming to be some kind of ambulance or something? Are they rushing a car to the emergency ...

What's Your Emergency?

Why do tow trucks get to have flashing lights, presuming to be some kind of ambulance or something? Are they rushing a car to the emergency room? At the garage? Will it die if they don't make it in time? Aren't cars towed because they are already dead?

Why can't I have flashing lights too? Sometimes going to pick up my banquet burger and onion rings is an emergency. I could easily die without them. I've already had several near-death experiences, in which I was eating nothing but boiled artichoke hearts, which I presumed was a sneak peak at Hell.

Next time you see a tow truck, block its path. I'm tired of vehicles, and some people, pretending to be something they are not.

Also, be a good person, so you don't have to eat artichoke hearts for eternity.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'm not so sure that Amazon running Whole Foods will be a good thing. They're not doing a great job with the jungle they own.

Musings and Woes

I'm not so sure that Amazon running Whole Foods will be a good thing. They're not doing a great job with the jungle they own.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Great news. Whole Foods is lowering its prices. Next, they are raising my salary so I can shop there.

Musings and Woes

Great news. Whole Foods is lowering its prices. Next, they are raising my salary so I can shop there.

Helloooo Newman: Long on Life, Short on Words

Helloooo Newman: Long on Life, Short on Words: People live longer than ever before. So do dogs and cats. Even Mayflies, which have been seen vacaying on the Med as late as July 18th ...

Long on Life, Short on Words

People live longer than ever before. So do dogs and cats. Even Mayflies, which have been seen vacaying on the Med as late as July 18th til around 6:38 p.m.

All this extra time, and for some reason our words are getting shorter and shorter.

Delish
Whatevs
Forevs
Vacay
Probs
Obvi
V – for very, as in "I'm v excited"
and the infamous LOL, ROFL, LMAO, ROFLOLLMAO and sometimes Y

What's the rush? Soon our language will be so short that we'll be finished saying and writing everything by age 12. Vocal chords will be the new appendix. What are those weird things for? Doctors will perform vocal chordectomies.

I'm sure that eventually we can get entire books down to less than a letter long. I read 800 books on Oprah's list today.

When we all live in space, maybe words will be dehydrated, like our food – just add water to "whv" and it becomes "whatever". "Hey George, why is my copy of Moby Dick all wet?" Well, it is about a whale.

You know what? People take up a lot of room too. Maybe we can short-form people. Let's dehydrate them, and add water when we really need them. Except for Michael Moore. It is not possible to dehydrated Michael Moore.

I suppose we could also encode our peeps on a memory stick. Imagine being able to carry all your friends in the back pocket of your jeans. "Ah shit, I shouldn't have sat down so hard. No more friends."

"Hey, W(ake) up P(aul), we need a B(log).

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I wonder if being dead will get boring after a while.

Musings and Woes

I wonder if being dead will get boring after a while.

Helloooo Newman: Stop Knocking on Wood

Helloooo Newman: Stop Knocking on Wood: A friend of mine was killed last week by a falling tree. That's why I've stopped saying the popular phrase "knock on wood&...

Stop Knocking on Wood

A friend of mine was killed last week by a falling tree.

That's why I've stopped saying the popular phrase "knock on wood", which we use to stave off bad luck. I really can't justify it anymore, in my friend's memory. The tree came out of nowhere and just…crushed him. Wood can be so cruel.

Helloooo Newman: The Day After

Helloooo Newman: The Day After: One day after the eclipse and I watched a cloud slowly move over the sun. Weird lighting changes, day became night. It was spectacular. I...

The Day After

One day after the eclipse and I watched a cloud slowly move over the sun. Weird lighting changes, day became night. It was spectacular. I drank a Corona as I watched the sun's corona.

I'm surprised I was the only one outside watching it.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Shit!! I'm out of eclipsescreen. I can't go out today.

Musings and Woes

Shit!! I'm out of eclipsescreen. I can't go out today.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: People do stupid things in this world, like stare at a total eclipse and loose their eyesight. That's why I'm waiting until night...

Musings and Woes

People do stupid things in this world, like stare at a total eclipse and loose their eyesight. That's why I'm waiting until night time to watch it.

Helloooo Newman: No Waffling From This Guy

Helloooo Newman: No Waffling From This Guy: I'm not a guy that waffles. I've never eaten them, because I don't like foods that have been driven over by large vehicles ...

No Waffling From This Guy

I'm not a guy that waffles.

I've never eaten them, because I don't like foods that have been driven over by large vehicles with weird tire treads.

Sure, there's a utilitarian benefit to the waffle tread. Each little pocket is a convenient syrup holder, kind of like little caramilks, but with the top open. And with a tough outer skin, the waffle doesn't absorb the syrup too quickly. Nice.

There's a lot to be said for that food feature. Take your average pancake, put syrup on it, and the enjoyment clock is ticking. Either the syrup slides right off, and you're eating something akin to urea formaldehyde bra pads, or you add more and more and the pancake becomes entirely soaked, like a bath mat pregnant with spent water and in need of a mat leave.

It's those darn tire treads. I have a flat policy of not eating food that's been the victim of a hit and run, and I'm not just including road kill here.

One time I made an egg-white, himalayan pink salt and corn starch omelette and backed my CR-V onto it, to see if it would add a bit of frisson to my breakfast. What a mess, plus I almost ran over two children playing on the driveway. The backup camera was covered in yoke, which I hadn't completely discarded. I despise yoke, and I suppose that might also explain why the omelette left me wanting.

Mostly, though, it was the tire treads.

Anyway, I'm not a waffle guy.

Helloooo Newman: The Dawn

Helloooo Newman: The Dawn: I do way more housework than my wife. I've whacked trillions of germs, laundered countless clothes and been a cleaner to thousands o...

The Dawn

I do way more housework than my wife. I've whacked trillions of germs, laundered countless clothes and been a cleaner to thousands of dirty dishes.

I think it's time I became a maid man in this family.

Perhaps even the Dawn!

Helloooo Newman: It's 10:30 in Newfoundland

Helloooo Newman: It's 10:30 in Newfoundland: As Canadians, do we  still need to hear, "It's 10:00 a.m., 10:30 in Newfoundland"? We get it. What easy math. Newfoundla...

It's 10:30 in Newfoundland

As Canadians, do we still need to hear, "It's 10:00 a.m., 10:30 in Newfoundland"?

We get it. What easy math. Newfoundland adds 30 minutes to everything. I wonder if objects in Newfoundland are larger than they appear as well. Hmmm, I'll take 5 timbits today instead of my regular 10, thank you. They'll be ready in 30 minutes, of course.

My, that's a big lobster. Billy, fill the swimming pool with butter.

How come only Newfoundland gets to add 30 minutes to everything? There are lots of activities I would like to add 30 minutes to. Sex for 30 minutes and 30 seconds would be nice, for a change.

Does everything in Newfoundland happen in half hour increments? Maybe hookers make more money that way.

Enough with the reminders, though. People must think Canadians are stupid. "What time is it in Newfoundland?" "A half hour from now."

10:30 in Newfoundland. It's as Canadian as falling in love with a Trudeau.

Helloooo Newman: Word of the Day

Helloooo Newman: Word of the Day: Why do we only use the word "profusely" in very limited circumstances. Basically, it's "He bled profusely" or...

Word of the Day

Why do we only use the word "profusely" in very limited circumstances.

Basically, it's "He bled profusely" or "He apologized profusely".

It's a fun word. It deserves more recognition. Come on people, let's mix things up a bit.

From now on, "He talked profusely", instead of "incessantly".

"He lies profusely" instead of "like a rug".

"We are going out profusely" instead of "until the wee hours of the morning".

"You can diet profusely" instead of "until the cows come home", "but you'll never be a size 4."

Make up a profuse amount of your own.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Leaf blowers: Hey neighbours, here are  my dead leaves and grass. Can you rake them up?

Musings and Woes

Leaf blowers: Hey neighbours, here are my dead leaves and grass.
Can you rake them up and put them in those huge shopping bags?

Helloooo Newman: Placebo

Helloooo Newman: Placebo: I'm gonna start an act impersonating Placido Domingo and call myself Placebo Domingo.

Placebo

I'm gonna start an act impersonating Placido Domingo and call myself Placebo Domingo.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I struggle with so many personality challenges, like the fact that I'm an inperfectionist.

Musings and Woes

I struggle with so many personality challenges, like the fact that I'm an inperfectionist.

Helloooo Newman: This is your Brain

Helloooo Newman: This is your Brain: This is my brain at its best Why do we need to know what our brain is like on everything? We're constantly bombarded – this is yo...

This is your Brain

This is my brain at its best

Why do we need to know what our brain is like on everything?

We're constantly bombarded – this is your brain on sugar, this is your brain on alcohol, stress, fear, this is your brain on having a nail driven through your nutsack, this is your brain on reading articles about how your brain behaves on every conceivable human activity. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Yesterday I read about my brain on a vacation. My brain is drunk on vacation. Then it goes to sleep. No study needed, thank you.

Can't we have a bit of mystery in life? I prefer to not precisely know why a nail in my nutsack would upset my brain.

It's like we need to constantly babysit our brain. Why? My brain is far smarter than me. I don't feel qualified to advise it on how to behave.

Then there's all this talk about feeding our brain the right foods. Do you get hunger pangs in your brain? I don't. They're all located in my stomach, so I eat to please him.

My brain does not need blueberries, oily fish and internet games to stay healthy. It needs sleep, naps and, preferably, full blown unconsciousness.

I mostly leave my brain alone to do its thing. I suggest you do the same.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I wonder if God ever gets tired of us bitching to Him.  I wonder if He gets tired of being married to the human race.

Musings and Woes

I wonder if God ever gets tired of us bitching to Him. 

I wonder if He gets tired of being married to the human race.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Wouldn't it be great if life was as easy as, "I took some time off to recharge my batteries." I wish I was a Tesla. ...

Musings and Woes

Wouldn't it be great if life was as easy as, "I took some time off to recharge my batteries."

I wish I was a Tesla.

Helloooo Newman: The Falsettos

Helloooo Newman: The Falsettos: I'm pitching an exciting and original show to HBO called The Falsettos . It follows the high notes and the low tones of Toni Falset...

The Falsettos

I'm pitching an exciting and original show to HBO called The Falsettos.

It follows the high notes and the low tones of Toni Falsetto as she balances the cut-throat demands of heading a local children's choir while nurturing a family.

Toni has a tender side, but sings a ruthless tune when necessary. The first episode reveals how Toni whacks her most trusted singer for stealing three notes of an Aria.

Her husband, Mel (short for Caramel), raises the two kids and funnels fentanyl through a Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Toni often visits her singing coach, Dr. Ralph Malphi, for a vocal chord tune up and some life advice.

I'll see you on the other side of fame.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It must be depressing when, as a celebrity, news of your death comes as a shock because everyone thought you were dead long ago. Plus you&#...

Musings and Woes

It must be depressing when, as a celebrity, news of your death comes as a shock because everyone thought you were dead long ago. Plus you're dead, which is doubly depressing.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It's official. A douchebag from France is called a douchebaguette.

Musings and Woes

It's official. A douchebag from France is called a douchebaguette.

Helloooo Newman: Perfect Rain

Helloooo Newman: Perfect Rain: Red sky at night, sailor's… fuck that …more rain…today…tomorrow…next week… next month…next year…

Perfect Rain

Red sky at night, sailor's…fuck the sailor…more rain…today…tomorrow…next week…

next month…next year…

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I think it's okay for transgenders to eat trans fats. They're so lucky.

Musings and Woes

I think it's okay for transgenders to eat trans fats. They're so lucky.

Helloooo Newman: Trump Bio

Helloooo Newman: Trump Bio: Want to know more on the inner workings of the Trump Administration? Watch Trump, The Inner Rectum: A Cockumentary . Coming to Helloo...

Trump Bio

Want to know more on the inner workings of the Trump Administration?

Watch Trump, The Inner Rectum: A Cockumentary.

Coming to Helloooo Newmantube.

Helloooo Newman: Cautionary

Helloooo Newman: Cautionary: The makers of Pictionary are coming out with a new game called Cautionary. The player who's most afraid to make a move wins.

Cautionary

The makers of Pictionary are coming out with a new game called Cautionary.

The player who's most afraid to make a move, wins.

Helloooo Newman: Vote for Ron

Helloooo Newman: Vote for Ron: I love reading about physics, but boy, some of it is pretty mysterious. Who's Ron, for instance? And why should I vote for him? S...

Vote for Ron

I love reading about physics, but boy, some of it is pretty mysterious.

Who's Ron, for instance? And why should I vote for him?

Sean Carroll, my favourite physicist, keeps saying "elect Ron" this and "elect Ron" that. He never once explains who Ron is, what his platform is or what experience he has.

Things wouldn't exist unless we elect Ron. Wow, that's a lot of power for one person.

I want to meet this Ron before I vote for him. "He's too small too actually see", says Mr. Carroll.

Really? Who will represent us at the next NATO meeting? Hey, have you seen Ron? No, have you? Not a sign of him.

Let's invade Europe while he's missing.

I'm afraid that until this Ron shows himself, it's gotta be Trump.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: One reason I'm glad I'm not a dog is that I hate the taste of fresh tennis balls. Have you every tasted a fresh tennis ball? I ha...

Musings and Woes

One reason I'm glad I'm not a dog is that I hate the taste of fresh tennis balls. Have you every tasted a fresh tennis ball? I have.

I won't go into the details (although it's very similar to a tense scene in Pulp Fiction) but it's not pleasant.

I'll admit, there are lots of good reasons to be a dog. Sleeping all day. Not working. No responsibility. But then there's the obligatory tennis ball retrieving. Can't do it.

I prefer chasing my wife's meatballs. Much tastier. Which is why I never return them to her.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Driverless cars are the future. But the future of the future is peopleless cars. Cars driving around all by themselves for no apparent rea...

Musings and Woes

Driverless cars are the future. But the future of the future is peopleless cars. Cars driving around all by themselves for no apparent reason – just because they can.

Helloooo Newman: Earthly Wonders

Helloooo Newman: Earthly Wonders: An amazing fact about the earth is that it constantly moves in 5 different ways all at the same time. 1. It spins around its axis (and ...

Earthly Wonders

An amazing fact about the earth is that it constantly moves in 5 different ways all at the same time.

1. It spins around its axis (and wobbles on it)
2. The axis itself spins one revolution every 26,000 years
3. It spins around the sun.
4. It spins around the centre of the galaxy
5. Our galaxy, along with earth, is moving through space towards bigger galaxies

And yet somehow Jenga doesn't collapse until you remove the wrong block.

Amazing!