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| Pictures of lil ol me? |
Dammit! Why don't I have nude selfies hidden online somewhere?
Every day I read how celebrity after celebrity has their nude photos hacked and all the wonderful attention they get for it. Then I think to myself, boy, I could use some of that attention. What a great way to launch a serious writing career.
Okay, I know I don't have a body anywhere resembling Scarlett Johansson, the latest victim of birthday suit hacking. The headline for my hacked photos: Zoo photos hacked, orangutan cage.
You're probably surprised that I don't already have a stash of nude selfies ripe for the exposure. Right now all I have are selfie sketches, all in various poses akin to V. Putin: riding Newman bareback (I'm shirtless), wrestling Newman in the shower with a steak knife etc. Do you know how hard it is to sketch yourself wrestling a 35-pound Aussie-Shepherd mix? And everything's wet.
By the way, I have an excellent hypnotist if you need the previous image erased from your memory.
I suppose the ultimate hacking dream is V. Putin himself snatching my photos and slowly releasing them to destroy my writing career, but building it up instead. Me, with my desperate ego, would proclaim, "Yes, that's me. It's real news."
The best I can hope for is to be hacked by someone handy with Photoshop so they can apply some male gender filters: convex chest filter, Kardashain butt filter.
Can Scarlett really be that surprised that her nudies were pilfered and exposed? Did she think the next hacking victims would be Michael Caine (84 years old), Morgan Freeman (79 years old) or Danny DeVito (72 years old)? Silly girl.
I wonder which celebrity will be the first to not keep their birthday suit photos on some device for weasels to hack.
