Helloooo Newman: I got to say cawk at work

Helloooo Newman: I got to say cawk at work: I love my job at the nursery school. Sure, I play Down by the Bay so many times that soon you'll find my bloated and decomposing body ...

I got to say cawk at work

I love my job at the nursery school.

Sure, I play Down by the Bay so many times that soon you'll find my bloated and decomposing body on the shore of that bay.

But it has some precious moments.

This week we sing Spring songs. Nothing puts Spring in your step better than songs about robins.

Teacher asks students, "what does a robin say?"

Student, naturally, answers, "caw, caw…k". Repeat two times. Wrong bird, but brilliant comedy.

Piano player tells other teachers all about it.

I got to say cawk at school today.

Helloooo Newman: Those were the nanoseconds

Helloooo Newman: Those were the nanoseconds: One of the great things I love about science is that they are discovering new and interesting things all the time. Our picture of the univer...

Those were the nanoseconds

One of the great things I love about science is that they are discovering new and interesting things all the time. Our picture of the universe is getting more complicated and interesting every day.

Unlike religion, of course. Religions never discover anything new. They aren't even looking. There will always be 72 virgins awaiting you and the temperature of Hell never changes, even factoring in global warming.

This is how things were, are, and will be forever so shut up and follow the rules.

Oh sure, they discover a pedophile priest or two, but there's nothing revolutionary or surprising about that.

A very recent discovery about the universe has me quite depressed. Scientists have found evidence of the so-called "inflationary period".

The discovery is pretty difficult to understand. All I really get about it is that scientists found gravitational waves that confirm the "inflation" theory. What is a gravitational wave? I have no idea, but I know I feel them around my waist and hips.

The inflation period is easy to understand (although impossible to conceive actually happening) and is also quite depressing.

The inflation theory states that at some time just after the big bang the universe expanded about a trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion times its tiny size in about a nanosecond.

That's right, it's kind of like having breakfast at a Denny's. Expansion occurs very quickly.

And we're talking about an extremely short period of time. Between 10-35 seconds and 10-24 seconds. That is fast, indeed. Trillionths of a second fast. There's only about one activity I can do that quickly. And even that is slowing down.

Depressing, isn't it? This means that just before 10-35 seconds, let's say 10-36 seconds, everything in the universe was cheaper. Much cheaper.

I remember those nanoseconds fondly. You could fill up your car for 0.00000000000000001 cents. And that's premium gas!

Macintosh computers were about the price of a slap in the face and they actually paid you enormous sums to "buy" a PC.

Back then the U.S. had free health care and no Republicans to argue that we can't afford health care because it's too expensive sending people to their death in the Middle East. Imagine, no John Boner (or is that Boehner?). I bet you John Lennon can imagine that.

The entire universe was one big, tiny Costco. I would have stocked up on everything if I knew prices were going way up four trillionths of a second later.

A little notice next time, please.

Ah yes, those were the nanoseconds.

Helloooo Newman: And the Oscar goes to…jail?

Helloooo Newman: And the Oscar goes to…jail?: I was really confused Sunday night. I heard that the Oscars were on and I got really excited. I brewed some popcorn and beer, put on my pu...

And the Oscar goes to…jail?

I was really confused Sunday night.

I heard that the Oscars were on and I got really excited. I brewed some popcorn and beer, put on my puppy slippers and formed my body into the sofa for an exciting night of frightening entertainment.

I was completely enthralled by the blood-curdling screams and the tragedy of it all.

The forensics really enticed me.

I wonder if he's acting or telling the truth? I can't decide.

I know I've had to go to the washroom at night and I've never dreamed anything like that could happen. Granted, we don't have a handy gun in our night table.

The next day everyone was talking about this woman named Lupita Nyong'o. What a great speech she gave.

Lu-who?

Then it hit me. I watched the wrong Oscars. I saw Oscar Pistorius on trial for mistaking his hot girlfriend for a burglar.

Looking at her, I thought, ya, that's exactly what a burglar would look like if she broke into my house.

My mistake for missing the "important" Oscar. But you know, I enjoyed it more than any Academy Awards show I've ever seen.

No speeches, no gowns, no egos, no makeup, no one thanking "life" for their great fortune, and "you like me, right now you like me."

Just blood, tragedy, mystery.

Loved it!