Helloooo Newman: The spitting image of success

Helloooo Newman: The spitting image of success: In honour of the Blue Jays, I'm giving out chewing tobacco for halloween. Suger-free!

The spitting image of success

In honour of the Blue Jays, I'm giving out chewing tobacco for halloween.

Suger-free!

Helloooo Newman: Holy Batman

Helloooo Newman: Holy Batman:   Is this the superhero, Doug Ford? Nope. Just a dog wearing a mask.

Holy Batman

 

Is this the superhero, Doug Ford?

Nope. Just a dog wearing a mask.

Helloooo Newman: Built Ford Tough

Helloooo Newman: Built Ford Tough: Well played, Prime Minister Ford. Are there any other countries you want to run?

Built Ford Tough

Well played, Prime Minister Ford. Are there any other countries you want to run?

Helloooo Newman: Goldfinger

Helloooo Newman: Goldfinger: You know what I just realized? Goldfinger could have called himself Freddy Krugerrand . How fun! I wonder if Goldfinger would have painted ...

Goldfinger

You know what I just realized?

Goldfinger could have called himself Freddy Krugerrand.

How fun!

I wonder if Goldfinger would have painted a woman gold if he was around today. With gold prices the way they are? $4,200 an ounce. That's an expensive gimmick. Even masterful evil doers need to work within a budget. 

Maybe just wrap her in tin foil.

If I found a dead woman covered in gold, I'd haul her down to Oliver's Jewellery store.

"We buy your gold".

What will you do with the body? That's your problem.

Helloooo Newman: That's what she said

Helloooo Newman: That's what she said: What if that actually is what she said?

That's what she said

What if that actually is what she said?

Helloooo Newman: The UN apology

Helloooo Newman: The UN apology: I call on Mark Carney to go directly to the UN and apologize to the world for the image of a shirtless Justin Trudeau kissing Katy Perry tha...

The UN apology

I call on Mark Carney to go directly to the UN and apologize to the world for the image of a shirtless Justin Trudeau kissing Katy Perry that has been distributed by the media.

Canada can do better than this.

Katy Perry can do better than this.

First, Justin bankrupts our country, then he bankrupts our souls.

I'm so sorry, world.

Helloooo Newman: The new Bondi movie?

Helloooo Newman: The new Bondi movie?:   Bondi Pam Bondi Q: Careful Bondi, the ring is an immigrant detector

The new Bondi movie?

 

Bondi

Pam Bondi

Q: Careful Bondi, the ring is an immigrant detector

Helloooo Newman: Disney's second job

Helloooo Newman: Disney's second job: I wonder why Walt Disney went into power tools. And why add the "De"? Maybe this happened: "Hey, these power tools are the mo...

Disney's second job

I wonder why Walt Disney went into power tools. And why add the "De"?

Maybe this happened:

"Hey, these power tools are the most fun I've had since sitting on Tinker Bell's lap. Who made them?"

"Duh! Walk Disney."

Helloooo Newman: Study hard

Helloooo Newman: Study hard: The latest study to come out studied everything and found it was responsible for nothing.

Study hard

The latest study to come out studied everything and found it was responsible for nothing.

Helloooo Newman: They say it's your birthday

Helloooo Newman: They say it's your birthday: Today is John Lennon's birthday. Except it's not. Because he's dead. Did you know it's John Lennon's birthday? He would ...

They say it's your birthday

Today is John Lennon's birthday.

Except it's not. Because he's dead.

Did you know it's John Lennon's birthday? He would have been 85 years old today.

Except he's dead. As sad as it is, there's no birthday for John. I don't understand wishing dead people happy birthday.

Congratulations, you can do math. Why don't we do that for every egg that every woman has ever carried?

Hey honey, remember that egg we didn't fertilize last January? Happy birthday, egg. It would have been 23 years old today.

Except it's not!

Helloooo Newman: New car

Helloooo Newman: New car: These are the worst times to buy a new car. I suggest you use a new philosophy. Carpay-ment diem

New car

These are the worst times to buy a new car.

I suggest you use a new philosophy.

Carpay-ment diem

Helloooo Newman: My stop procrastinating now course!

Helloooo Newman: My stop procrastinating now course!: Physicists now believe the universe will end in a big crunch in just 20 billion years and not endlessly expand, as originally thought. So st...

My stop procrastinating now course!

Physicists now believe the universe will end in a big crunch in just 20 billion years and not endlessly expand, as originally thought.

So stop putting things off!

Helloooo Newman: Crosstown Tumour

Helloooo Newman: Crosstown Tumour: Doctors have diagnosed me wth a brain tumour but told me it's developing about as fast as the Eglinton Crosstown LRT so relax and enjoy ...

Crosstown Tumour

Doctors have diagnosed me wth a brain tumour but told me it's developing about as fast as the Eglinton Crosstown LRT so relax and enjoy life. I have a few hundred years.

Helloooo Newman: Net Worth

Helloooo Newman: Net Worth: Elon Musk briefly hit $500 billion in net worth today. I'm proud to say that Elon and I together are worth a little over $500 billion.

Net Worth

Elon Musk briefly hit $500 billion in net worth today. I'm proud to say that Elon and I together are worth a little over $500 billion.

Helloooo Newman: Killing machines

Helloooo Newman: Killing machines: A man wearing eyeliner tells other men to be killing machines. And that women can't be killing machines. Or gays.

Killing machines

A man wearing eyeliner tells other men to be killing machines.

And that women can't be killing machines.

Or gays.

Helloooo Newman: Dougie's diagnosis

Helloooo Newman: Dougie's diagnosis: Doug Ford was recently diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome.  Ecstatic Doug yelled. "A carpool tunnel? Under the 401?" Doctors ex...

Dougie's diagnosis

Doug Ford was recently diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. 

Ecstatic Doug yelled. "A carpool tunnel? Under the 401?"

Doctors explained this will not win him reelection.

Helloooo Newman: New Air Force One

Helloooo Newman: New Air Force One: Given the escalator debacle at the UN, Trump will now travel with his own escalator. It will be called Escalator Force One. It will be made ...

New Air Force One

Given the escalator debacle at the UN, Trump will now travel with his own escalator.

It will be called Escalator Force One.

It will be made in Djibouti.

Helloooo Newman: No second shooter

Helloooo Newman: No second shooter: This just in. After an exhaustive study of all the facts and conspiracy theories, RFK JR has concluded that JFK was not shot but died from d...

No second shooter

This just in.

After an exhaustive study of all the facts and conspiracy theories,
RFK JR has concluded that JFK was not shot but died from drinking too much fluoride.

No, wait a minute.

The study wasn't exhaustive.

He's exhausted. 

All that speaking.

Helloooo Newman: Pouring his heart out

Helloooo Newman: Pouring his heart out: I was going to tell Doug Ford yesterday I am locating all my dog walking services to the U.S. but now I'm afraid of how he'll react....

Pouring his heart out

I was going to tell Doug Ford yesterday I am locating all my dog walking services to the U.S. but now I'm afraid of how he'll react.

Will he dump dog poop on my lawn? Will he feed Crown Royal to all  my dogs?

I definitely know that he knows my business better than I do. And if I need incentive to stay in Canada, him threatening me and calling me stupid will probably work.

Keep up the good work, Doug.

Helloooo Newman: Get a job, Job

Helloooo Newman: Get a job, Job: I wonder if Job from the Bible ever got angry and confused when people told him to get a job. But…I'm…say what, now? BTW, it's Job, ...

Get a job, Job

I wonder if Job from the Bible ever got angry and confused when people told him to get a job.

But…I'm…say what, now?

BTW, it's Job, not Job.

Helloooo Newman: The View

Helloooo Newman: The View: Yesterday a woman asked me about my views on lesbians and I told her it's usually in full HD, but sometimes I'm stuck with just my A...

The View

Yesterday a woman asked me about my views on lesbians and I told her it's usually in full HD, but sometimes I'm stuck with just my Apple Watch.

Helloooo Newman: Longer Universe

Helloooo Newman: Longer Universe: Cosmologists have discovered that if we keep daylight savings permanent, the universe will last 1 trillion years longer and have lots of lig...

Longer Universe

Cosmologists have discovered that if we keep daylight savings permanent, the universe will last 1 trillion years longer and have lots of light to stay out and play.

Helloooo Newman: Where were you?

Helloooo Newman: Where were you?: So? Where were you? When Taylor and Travis announced? Wedding bells, the new instrument on her next album I was shopping for Preparation H, ...

Where were you?

So?

Where were you?

When Taylor and Travis announced?

Wedding bells, the new instrument on her next album

I was shopping for Preparation H, on sale, aisle 4

Also cleanup on aisle 4

Sorry

Helloooo Newman: Sacrifical lamb

Helloooo Newman: Sacrifical lamb: In a weird way it's comforting that cops want me to give up all my belongings and possibly get murdered rather than defend myself and po...

Sacrifical lamb

In a weird way it's comforting that cops want me to give up all my belongings and possibly get murdered rather than defend myself and possibly break the law.

I'm willing to sacrifice myself for the police. That's why there's police.

Helloooo Newman: I would walk 10,000 steps

Helloooo Newman: I would walk 10,000 steps: My doctor told me it's okay to walk 10,000 steps a day as long as it's in the direction of a hospital just in case I collapse.

I would walk 10,000 steps

My doctor told me it's okay to walk 10,000 steps a day as long as it's in the direction of a hospital just in case I collapse.