Helloooo Newman: Winded chill

Helloooo Newman: Winded chill: We've all felt the wind chill. It's -7, feels like -30. Today, I felt the winded chill. Can you feel the winded chill? I'm 62, f...

Winded chill

We've all felt the wind chill. It's -7, feels like -30.

Today, I felt the winded chill.

Can you feel the winded chill?

I'm 62, feels like 98!

Walk up 4 stairs. Congrats, I just completed an Ironman triathlon. Looking forward to doing more stairs in a year.

Look for the winded chill report on your next newscast.

Helloooo Newman: Ethical cheating

Helloooo Newman: Ethical cheating: I'm so proud of my daughter. Third year university. Things get really difficult! But she swung at 94% on her Ethics exam. Wow! She cheat...

Ethical cheating

I'm so proud of my daughter.

Third year university. Things get really difficult!

But she swung at 94% on her Ethics exam. Wow!

She cheated, so I thought the mark would be higher.

Still, something to brag about.

Helloooo Newman: Take the long way home

Helloooo Newman: Take the long way home: I was a little disturbed when I looked out the window of the subway and saw a big rat moving faster down the tunnel than me.  Maybe he can h...

Take the long way home

I was a little disturbed when I looked out the window of the subway and saw a big rat moving faster down the tunnel than me. 

Maybe he can help with the repairs. 

Hey rat, come join the rat race.

Helloooo Newman: Can the trains run on time?

Helloooo Newman: Can the trains run on time?: I'm no fan of Mussolini. But he did make the trains run on time. How about it, TTC? Do we need our own Mussolini to kick you in the thir...

Can the trains run on time?

I'm no fan of Mussolini. But he did make the trains run on time.

How about it, TTC?

Do we need our own Mussolini to kick you in the third rail?

15 years of fixing isn't enough?

The pyramids, 2500 years ago, took 20 years. And look how long they've lasted.

Unless you want to turn the whole system into a museum from an ancient society where things used to work.

Helloooo Newman: Oprah Chopra

Helloooo Newman: Oprah Chopra: Looks like Trump et al might make some radical changes. But still, he'll never get Oprah to marry Deepak Chopra. That's real change...

Oprah Chopra

Looks like Trump et al might make some radical changes.

But still, he'll never get Oprah to marry Deepak Chopra.

That's real change.

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Trump Card

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Trump Card:   Go get 'em, Justin

Canada's Trump Card

 

Go get 'em, Justin

Helloooo Newman: My export advice

Helloooo Newman: My export advice: I think we should export Bernardo to the deepest, darkest, most violent prison in America, despite the 25% tariff.

My export advice

I think we should export Bernardo to the deepest, darkest, most violent prison in America, despite the 25% tariff.

Helloooo Newman: Eras Tears

Helloooo Newman: Eras Tears: Taylor Swift sobbed at her last Toronto concert. Poor girl. I reacted the same way the first time I saw Justin Trudeau dance. Don't let ...

Eras Tears

Taylor Swift sobbed at her last Toronto concert.

Poor girl.

I reacted the same way the first time I saw Justin Trudeau dance.

Don't let that stop you from coming back, T

Helloooo Newman: Happy HSTolidays

Helloooo Newman: Happy HSTolidays: Did you hear the great news that has nothing to do with an upcoming erection? Ah, election? No HST on children's beer, tree toys and Chr...

Happy HSTolidays

Did you hear the great news that has nothing to do with an upcoming erection? Ah, election?

No HST on children's beer, tree toys and Christmas.

Hmmm. That doesn't sound right, does it.

Could be Christmas beer, children's trees and toys.

Did I read it wrong?

Maybe it's children's toys, beer and Christmas trees?

Not sure.

Anyway. Free money.

And it's not Doug the slug doing it. I thought he was the beer guy. Beer in corner stores. Beer at lemonade stands. Followed by the media frenzy over the evils of making alcohol more available.

Then Justin goes and makes beer cheaper.

Go figure.

The more you drink, the more you save. And you only have a 3 month window to do all that drinkin'. I guess it's Create an Alcoholic season.

When you need votes, it's better to have your population drunk.

Helloooo Newman: Educating Jordan

Helloooo Newman: Educating Jordan: Do you like Jordan Peterson? I think he's kind of a dick. He never smiles, rarely laughs, takes himself way too seriously, and I hear he...

Educating Jordan

Do you like Jordan Peterson?

I think he's kind of a dick. He never smiles, rarely laughs, takes himself way too seriously, and I hear he makes a really dry, flavourless meatloaf.

No wonder he put the brakes on his standup career.

I also disagree with a lot of what he says. On the other hand, some of what he espouses makes sense to me. I kind of like that he takes a risk saying things that get him in trouble, even if I disagree.

Of course he says dramatic things to sell books and make money. Who doesn't? I do the same to sell this blog, which is free and makes me no money. I know, you're dying to pay for it, but I refuse!

Anyway, I'm glad he's being forced into a reeducation program so that he thinks proper and all that. 

He'll be so much more interesting.

In fact, this entire world would be so much better if everyone could just think the same way about everything.

I'm pretty sure the CEO of Metrolinx has taken this course. From when he was a baby. Today he said they are making monumental strides on the…um…what are they doing again?

Oh I can't remember. Anyway, it's the right thing to say. Everything is better when the "right" thing is said.

Ahhhhhhhh. That's the relaxing sigh of everyone saying the same thing. Breath in. Think proper. Breath out.

You can do it.

I think I need this course.

Helloooo Newman: Sorry daddy

Helloooo Newman: Sorry daddy: Did you ever rip the legs off a daddy long legs and watch his ball body squirm around? I mean as a kid. Nah, me neither.

Sorry daddy

Did you ever rip the legs off a daddy long legs and watch his ball body squirm around?

I mean as a kid.

Nah, me neither.

Helloooo Newman: Bondable

Helloooo Newman: Bondable: Peter Dinklage as James Bond! Yes?

Bondable

Peter Dinklage as James Bond!

Yes?

Helloooo Newman: Hot and bothered

Helloooo Newman: Hot and bothered: It's too fucking hot. For too fucking long. Come on, planet earth! You've made your point. Now cool it! The other day I didn't g...

Hot and bothered

It's too fucking hot.

For too fucking long.

Come on, planet earth! You've made your point.

Now cool it!

The other day I didn't get a chance to eat and I got really hangry.

It was also really fucking hot, so I got…again, hangry.

We get it. It's a global problem requiring a global solution.

That's why North American is electric "car-ing". Canada is even forcing it by 2035.

Bit of a wee tiny problem, though. 

Our politicians won't let us buy electric cars that we can actually afford. 

Someone on the globe can make really cheap electric cars. To help us with this global problem. We don't like them much, but it's a global problem. And suddenly they're trying to "flood" the world with cheap electric cars. A substitute word for cheap is affordable. In a world which needs electric cars. How dare them.

Nope! Not a global problem anymore. Instead of "flooding" the world with electric cars, we prefer to watch it flood with water.

Imagine doing that with food? Forcing people to eat a certain food and then raising the price? 

It's the 2 guys below that are in charge. Get it? Charge? Can't even afford a car I can charge. Can't charge it on my credit card. I'm not in charge.

Anyway, mother earth. I know you're hangry with us.

Stay tuned.

Helloooo Newman: Air Nada

Helloooo Newman: Air Nada: Canadians celebrate in hopes that Air Canada pilots will go on strike and they won't be forced to fly Canada's national airline. I p...

Air Nada

Canadians celebrate in hopes that Air Canada pilots will go on strike and they won't be forced to fly Canada's national airline.

I predict once they stop flying, they'll be voted the best airline in North America instead of the worst.

Their new motto: Fly the Metrolinx of the skies

Helloooo Newman: Strike Two?

Helloooo Newman: Strike Two?: Metrolinx was going to join the train strike but realized no one would notice they stopped working.

Strike Two?

Metrolinx was going to join the train strike but realized no one would notice they stopped working.

Helloooo Newman: New breed

Helloooo Newman: New breed: In an effort to break up the Google monopoly, it will be mated with a poodle and called Poogle.

New breed

In an effort to break up the Google monopoly, it will be mated with a poodle and called Poogle.

Helloooo Newman: Goodbye yellow brick bike path

Helloooo Newman: Goodbye yellow brick bike path: Metrolinx, known for its rigorous construction schedules and tight budgets, put in a quote to build 2 km of bike paths. Cost: $150 million A...

Goodbye yellow brick bike path

Metrolinx, known for its rigorous construction schedules and tight budgets, put in a quote to build 2 km of bike paths. Cost: $150 million

A wise person sat down with them and informed them the bike lanes are not on Pluto, but in the city of Toronto.

Oh. That will be more expensive, said Metrolinx.

Helloooo Newman: Micro cause 'em

Helloooo Newman: Micro cause 'em: Yesterday I threw my coffee across the room as I read that everything we eat and drink has micro-plastics in it. Is that a micro-aggression?...

Micro cause 'em

Yesterday I threw my coffee across the room as I read that everything we eat and drink has micro-plastics in it.

Is that a micro-aggression? I mean, technically speaking.

Helloooo Newman: Colossal egg hunt

Helloooo Newman: Colossal egg hunt: Must have been brutal for kids on Easter Island during Easter. Trying to find colossal stone eggs buried in the ground. Then digging them up...

Colossal egg hunt

Must have been brutal for kids on Easter Island during Easter.

Trying to find colossal stone eggs buried in the ground. Then digging them up and putting them in a basket. Then getting to the chocolate inside.

Sounds like a lot of work.

Helloooo Newman: By a nose

Helloooo Newman: By a nose:  Trump, if he looked the other way.

By a nose

 Trump, if he looked the other way.

Helloooo Newman: Sniping

Helloooo Newman: Sniping: Did they have to hire the one sniper who came last in his class?  Was the budget not big enough? Remember, practice makes perfect. Is it too...

Sniping

Did they have to hire the one sniper who came last in his class? 

Was the budget not big enough?

Remember, practice makes perfect.

Is it too soon?

Nah!

Helloooo Newman: Lemonade Control Board of Ontario

Helloooo Newman: Lemonade Control Board of Ontario: I'm so glad the LCBO strike is over. And children's lemonade stands won the right to sell liquor. What a step forward. As long as 50...

Lemonade Control Board of Ontario

I'm so glad the LCBO strike is over.

And children's lemonade stands won the right to sell liquor. What a step forward. As long as 5000 lemonade stands stay open, the kids get $50/hr and no one else can sell lemonade.

Congratulations, Ontario.

I'll have a J&B on the rocks.

Jelly Beans on the rocks?

Helloooo Newman: Oxy

Helloooo Newman: Oxy: Well, with it being so hard to find liquor, I roamed the streets looking for a hit. Bought some Oxy from a guy in a parking garage downtown....

Oxy

Well, with it being so hard to find liquor, I roamed the streets looking for a hit.

Bought some Oxy from a guy in a parking garage downtown.

Turns out he ripped me off.

It wasn't OxyContin.

It was OxyMoron.

I've never felt more conflicted in my life. 

Guess I'm the moron.

Helloooo Newman: The science of liquor

Helloooo Newman: The science of liquor: Hey, how about the Science Centre sells liquor? Bet you they'd open it now!

The science of liquor

Hey, how about the Science Centre sells liquor?

Bet you they'd open it now!

Helloooo Newman: Striking out on their own

Helloooo Newman: Striking out on their own: I was speaking to one of my best friends, Jim Beam, this morning. He's bummed. Out of a job. Went on a bender. Was caught by the police ...

Striking out on their own

I was speaking to one of my best friends, Jim Beam, this morning.

He's bummed. Out of a job. Went on a bender. Was caught by the police with a 40% alcohol content in his body. The problem is he keeps his emotions all bottled up. He's angry.

But not as angry as my wild friend Jack (Daniels). He travelled all the way from Tennessee to work here. He's losing it, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He always thought it should have been called The Moonshining. He drowns himself in spirits to forget.

You should have heard what Johnnie (Walker) screamed at me. It's mighty hard for him to sit on a shelf all day, walking, albeit crookedly, being in his nature. And now his colleagues walk out on him. Left high a dry.

How would you feel if you were like my buddy Morgan, who's achieved the status of Captain? He's yelling, "who put you in charge?" in a voice matching Hudson from Aliens. "Rum in your tum tum" he kept singing. Who knows when he'll see a stomach again.

One vodka I was chilling with is pissed to the Absolut. Smirnoff is changing his name to Pissedoff. Chartreuse was so blotto he kept singing "chartreuse micro-bus" from Blinded by the Light. Poor Kahlua was going through this all by himself. Too much of him and you feel sick.

Last I saw them, they were all crammed on a shelf and planning to strike out on their own.

Sounds like an excellent idea!