Helloooo Newman: Slow loses the race

Helloooo Newman: Slow loses the race: Had to rush my pet turtle to the vet. Took the Finch LRT. My turtle wouldn't shut up.  Christ! This is slow. Can we walk? We walked toge...

Slow loses the race

Had to rush my pet turtle to the vet.

Took the Finch LRT.

My turtle wouldn't shut up. 

Christ! This is slow. Can we walk?

We walked together.

He's fine.

Helloooo Newman: Made in Canada

Helloooo Newman: Made in Canada: With Carney in charge, Canada is on its way to becoming a superpower in energy and…canned food? That's right, folks. New on the Canadian...

Made in Canada

With Carney in charge, Canada is on its way to becoming a superpower in energy and…canned food?

That's right, folks. New on the Canadian market.

Chili con Carney.

Made in Canada with Canadian prices to match.

Only $5 a can. Oh, wait a minute…it's $10. Oops, just want up to $20. Oh man, now it's on sale for $50.

Check back tomorrow, folks. New price, new flavour, new smaller can.

Support the Canadian dream!

Helloooo Newman: Under the influencer

Helloooo Newman: Under the influencer: If I'm an influencer and a cop stops me for drinking and driving, am I allowed to be under the influence? Or, since I'm the influenc...

Under the influencer

If I'm an influencer and a cop stops me for drinking and driving, am I allowed to be under the influence? Or, since I'm the influencer, maybe he's under the influence?

Dunno, but interesting.

I await the Supreme Court ruling.

Helloooo Newman: Grand opening and closing

Helloooo Newman: Grand opening and closing: The Eglinton LRT is scheduled to open January 1. It's also closed January 1 because it's a holiday. January 2 onwards it's close...

Grand opening and closing

The Eglinton LRT is scheduled to open January 1. It's also closed January 1 because it's a holiday. January 2 onwards it's closed for track work.

Enjoy your ride.

Helloooo Newman: This street is closed

Helloooo Newman: This street is closed: A guy I know complained that I wasn't being a good friend. Didn't call him enough. Said friendship was a two-way street. A two-way s...

This street is closed

A guy I know complained that I wasn't being a good friend. Didn't call him enough.

Said friendship was a two-way street.

A two-way street? With the traffic in this city? Are you ill?

My friendship doesn't ride on streets that are clogged with cars and trucks and buses and e-bikes and scooters and cold food in a bag and gunfire and broken down buses. Want me to call you? Sorry, this street is closed for repairs.

My friendship skills aren't even a one-way street.

They're better described by the Eglinton Crosstown LRT. 

Sorry, not open yet. Still building. And if it opens, it's closed for repairs.

Talk soon.

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks: My favourite restaurant

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks: My favourite restaurant: Starbucks used to be for coffee. Now it's a place for people who crave a banana split and some caffeine. It's really a DQ for tired ...

Starbucks: My favourite restaurant

Starbucks used to be for coffee. Now it's a place for people who crave a banana split and some caffeine.

It's really a DQ for tired people.

Some girl in there ordered half sugar? What are you, a half-wit? The sugar's already in everything. Even sugar coated coffee beans. Can I get double insulin?

Maybe it's even a restaurant. Incredibly, they offer a creme brûlée latte. That's flat-out dessert. I'll start with the caesar salad smoothie, the t-bone espresso, medium rare and the creme brûlée latte. Not a bad meal for $100.

And all the stupid names. Grande. Skinny latte. Is this a good time to be mentioning people's weight?

I'll have the skinny egg white sandwich and a fat beer.

Yesterday I asked the girl for a skinny ariana grande. Not just skinny. Starving. Undernourished. I have to lie down grande. Unconscious.

They don't offer that, she said.

Helloooo Newman: That's so gifty

Helloooo Newman: That's so gifty: What I want for Xmas, if you're shopping for me. I'm the same size as JC

That's so gifty

What I want for Xmas, if you're shopping for me.

I'm the same size as JC

Helloooo Newman: Ambulatory Alert

Helloooo Newman: Ambulatory Alert: The heads of the TTC and Metrolinx were seen crying over a beer and wondering why ridership was down after telling customers to fuck off and...

Ambulatory Alert

The heads of the TTC and Metrolinx were seen crying over a beer and wondering why ridership was down after telling customers to fuck off and walk home.

Helloooo Newman: TTC learns baseball

Helloooo Newman: TTC learns baseball: The TTC apologizes for the lousy service Saturday night after the Jays game. They learned that baseball players can be made to walk the base...

TTC learns baseball

The TTC apologizes for the lousy service Saturday night after the Jays game.

They learned that baseball players can be made to walk the bases, so naturally they assumed they could make their customers walk too.

What baseball fans! What Toronto spirit!

Helloooo Newman: The spitting image of success

Helloooo Newman: The spitting image of success: In honour of the Blue Jays, I'm giving out chewing tobacco for halloween. Suger-free!

The spitting image of success

In honour of the Blue Jays, I'm giving out chewing tobacco for halloween.

Suger-free!

Helloooo Newman: Holy Batman

Helloooo Newman: Holy Batman:   Is this the superhero, Doug Ford? Nope. Just a dog wearing a mask.

Holy Batman

 

Is this the superhero, Doug Ford?

Nope. Just a dog wearing a mask.

Helloooo Newman: Built Ford Tough

Helloooo Newman: Built Ford Tough: Well played, Prime Minister Ford. Are there any other countries you want to run?

Built Ford Tough

Well played, Prime Minister Ford. Are there any other countries you want to run?

Helloooo Newman: Goldfinger

Helloooo Newman: Goldfinger: You know what I just realized? Goldfinger could have called himself Freddy Krugerrand . How fun! I wonder if Goldfinger would have painted ...

Goldfinger

You know what I just realized?

Goldfinger could have called himself Freddy Krugerrand.

How fun!

I wonder if Goldfinger would have painted a woman gold if he was around today. With gold prices the way they are? $4,200 an ounce. That's an expensive gimmick. Even masterful evil doers need to work within a budget. 

Maybe just wrap her in tin foil.

If I found a dead woman covered in gold, I'd haul her down to Oliver's Jewellery store.

"We buy your gold".

What will you do with the body? That's your problem.

Helloooo Newman: That's what she said

Helloooo Newman: That's what she said: What if that actually is what she said?

That's what she said

What if that actually is what she said?

Helloooo Newman: The UN apology

Helloooo Newman: The UN apology: I call on Mark Carney to go directly to the UN and apologize to the world for the image of a shirtless Justin Trudeau kissing Katy Perry tha...

The UN apology

I call on Mark Carney to go directly to the UN and apologize to the world for the image of a shirtless Justin Trudeau kissing Katy Perry that has been distributed by the media.

Canada can do better than this.

Katy Perry can do better than this.

First, Justin bankrupts our country, then he bankrupts our souls.

I'm so sorry, world.

Helloooo Newman: The new Bondi movie?

Helloooo Newman: The new Bondi movie?:   Bondi Pam Bondi Q: Careful Bondi, the ring is an immigrant detector

The new Bondi movie?

 

Bondi

Pam Bondi

Q: Careful Bondi, the ring is an immigrant detector

Helloooo Newman: Disney's second job

Helloooo Newman: Disney's second job: I wonder why Walt Disney went into power tools. And why add the "De"? Maybe this happened: "Hey, these power tools are the mo...

Disney's second job

I wonder why Walt Disney went into power tools. And why add the "De"?

Maybe this happened:

"Hey, these power tools are the most fun I've had since sitting on Tinker Bell's lap. Who made them?"

"Duh! Walk Disney."

Helloooo Newman: Study hard

Helloooo Newman: Study hard: The latest study to come out studied everything and found it was responsible for nothing.

Study hard

The latest study to come out studied everything and found it was responsible for nothing.

Helloooo Newman: They say it's your birthday

Helloooo Newman: They say it's your birthday: Today is John Lennon's birthday. Except it's not. Because he's dead. Did you know it's John Lennon's birthday? He would ...

They say it's your birthday

Today is John Lennon's birthday.

Except it's not. Because he's dead.

Did you know it's John Lennon's birthday? He would have been 85 years old today.

Except he's dead. As sad as it is, there's no birthday for John. I don't understand wishing dead people happy birthday.

Congratulations, you can do math. Why don't we do that for every egg that every woman has ever carried?

Hey honey, remember that egg we didn't fertilize last January? Happy birthday, egg. It would have been 23 years old today.

Except it's not!

Helloooo Newman: New car

Helloooo Newman: New car: These are the worst times to buy a new car. I suggest you use a new philosophy. Carpay-ment diem

New car

These are the worst times to buy a new car.

I suggest you use a new philosophy.

Carpay-ment diem

Helloooo Newman: My stop procrastinating now course!

Helloooo Newman: My stop procrastinating now course!: Physicists now believe the universe will end in a big crunch in just 20 billion years and not endlessly expand, as originally thought. So st...

My stop procrastinating now course!

Physicists now believe the universe will end in a big crunch in just 20 billion years and not endlessly expand, as originally thought.

So stop putting things off!

Helloooo Newman: Crosstown Tumour

Helloooo Newman: Crosstown Tumour: Doctors have diagnosed me wth a brain tumour but told me it's developing about as fast as the Eglinton Crosstown LRT so relax and enjoy ...

Crosstown Tumour

Doctors have diagnosed me wth a brain tumour but told me it's developing about as fast as the Eglinton Crosstown LRT so relax and enjoy life. I have a few hundred years.

Helloooo Newman: Net Worth

Helloooo Newman: Net Worth: Elon Musk briefly hit $500 billion in net worth today. I'm proud to say that Elon and I together are worth a little over $500 billion.

Net Worth

Elon Musk briefly hit $500 billion in net worth today. I'm proud to say that Elon and I together are worth a little over $500 billion.

Helloooo Newman: Killing machines

Helloooo Newman: Killing machines: A man wearing eyeliner tells other men to be killing machines. And that women can't be killing machines. Or gays.

Killing machines

A man wearing eyeliner tells other men to be killing machines.

And that women can't be killing machines.

Or gays.

Helloooo Newman: Dougie's diagnosis

Helloooo Newman: Dougie's diagnosis: Doug Ford was recently diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome.  Ecstatic Doug yelled. "A carpool tunnel? Under the 401?" Doctors ex...

Dougie's diagnosis

Doug Ford was recently diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. 

Ecstatic Doug yelled. "A carpool tunnel? Under the 401?"

Doctors explained this will not win him reelection.