Thursday, 3 April 2025
Helloooo Newman: OCD
OCD
Feng shui is just a fancy excuse for having OCD.
Normal people put that La-z-boy chair wherever the hell they want.
Like facing the TV and the beer fridge.
Wednesday, 2 April 2025
Helloooo Newman: Baby bonus
Saturday, 29 March 2025
Helloooo Newman: My new band
My new band
If you find the time, come watch my new band.
It's called OCDC.
We spend 2 hours positioning the equipment just perfectly on the stage and then the show is over.
Good family entertainment. No bad language. No politics.
Beer's $30 a cup, though.
Spill it and you're dead.
Also wash your hands before you come.
Sunday, 23 March 2025
Helloooo Newman: Frogs at work
Frogs at work
I wonder if frogs ever tell each other to "hop to it" when they really need something done or would it confuse them because they hop to everything.
Saturday, 22 March 2025
Helloooo Newman: The duplicative times we live in
The duplicative times we live in
Aren't you impressed with our new unelected leader?
Mark Carney.
Yesterday he blew me away with his intellectual skill and prowess as a leader. He used the word "duplicative" in a sentence. That's banker talk.
I had to look it up…and it's a cool word. I had my wife look it up too which, once I knew the meaning, I realized was duplicative of me.
It means to duplicate things, like spending and resources. Apparently it's important now to get rid of government duplicating things. It's a waste of resources. Unless you're at Staples and you need duplicates of your marriage licence or your immigration status. That's allowed. And duplicating people. We need a higher birth rate.
I guess it hasn't occurred to him that the CBC, which the government pays 1.2 billion for every year, might be a duplication of all the other tv channels we have. But getting rid of the CBC and Tim Hortons would be a lobotomization of the Canadian spirit.
But we do need to duplicate more family doctors and nurses. Hey, I know where you can get your hands on 1.2 billion.
I thought it was duplicitous times we lived in but I guess it's really duplicative. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. You can see how easy it is to confuse that.
Meanwhile, there's poor Pollyeve. Pollyviril? Pollyvirus? With his arch nemesis gone, he thought he was running against Art Carney and has been watching The Honeymooners non-stop with Doug the Slug to get dirt on his opponent. Now that the carbon tax is gone, I guess we'll be carbon dating PPs usefulness.
And the NDP?
Who?
Happy voting.
Thursday, 20 March 2025
Helloooo Newman: Pop quiz
Pop quiz
Good girl, Coco. Now for a treat, what's Pi to the fourth digit?
Whipped cream?
I love pie!
I can't count. Tell me!
Wednesday, 19 March 2025
Helloooo Newman: Wrong Planet
Wrong Planet
The rescued astronauts shocked everyone today by expressing outrage at coming home.
Did we say earth? Did we? Did we say we wanted to come back here?
They were hoping for a nice sane planet in the constellation Caelum, even though it takes 2 billion years to get there and house prices are even worse.
Tuesday, 18 March 2025
Helloooo Newman: Hockey name in Canada
Hockey name in Canada
In order to get everyone on board with the fight against climate change, the Edmonton Oilers will now be called the Edmonton Car Batteries.
Don't forget.
Friday, 14 March 2025
Helloooo Newman: Mad Max: Battery Done Died
Mad Max: Battery Done Died
Normally I can't stand movie sequels.
Save for a few – The Godfather 2 obviously, some of the Alien movies.
But generally, if I were a movie maker I'd stay far away from sequels, especially when they're based on an already great movie.
The only exception I'll make is when a great idea for a script comes along, like the one I've written.
It's called Mad Max: Battery Done Died.
Get this.
Takes place in the future, after an apocalypse, like Trump's second term in office. Or maybe his third.
It's all evil gangs and electric cars.
The electric cars are trying to chase each other down and terrorize each other and it's complete mayhem.
But no one can find a charging station out in the middle of nowhere. So the cars and evil gangs sit around waiting. Until society changes from its addiction to oil and there's more charging stations.
I'm optioning it to several studios as I write. Haven't heard back yet. Weird!
Stay tuned at a movie theatre near you!
Thursday, 13 March 2025
Helloooo Newman: The Artful DOGER
The Artful DOGER
Coming to America.
Okay, it's already here.
The Artful DOGER, starring Elon Musk.
He's the leader of Trump's gang. Picks your pocket on your way out the door from being fired.
Can sing a tune, too.
Runs for 4 years. Maybe 8!
Saturday, 8 March 2025
Helloooo Newman: Let's get pissed
Let's get pissed
It is said that Trump is really Putin's dog.
If that's true, and he wants to own Canada, Greenland, the Panama Canal, the Gaza strip and perhaps the entire globe, why doesn't he just pee on them?
That's what my dog does to secure ownership. The whole neighbourhood knows he owns it.
And hey, isn't there a theory that some Russian hookers peed on him?
That must be Putin's way of owning him.
For more political commentary, stay tuned.
Monday, 3 March 2025
Helloooo Newman: Substance
Substance
Too bad Demi Moore didn't have the votes to win best actress, but I voted for her for Ontario Premier.
She's the only one with Substance.
Friday, 28 February 2025
Helloooo Newman: The planets
The planets
Tonight the planets are all in a row for the last time until 2040.
Coincidentally, all my ducks are in a row too. If you stand out in your backyard you might be able to see them. Won't happen again until I'm dead.
It's so astrocalogical.
Wednesday, 26 February 2025
Helloooo Newman: Investment advice
Investment advice
I'm moving all my money to the Toronto Snow Bank.
I figure it'll be around a lot longer than ScotiaBank.
Hope I don't freeze my assets off.
For more investment advice, call your mom.
Tuesday, 25 February 2025
Helloooo Newman: I'm melting
I'm melting
The Toronto Mayor expressed dissatisfaction with the snow removal services, vowing to review the contract.
In a miraculous event scientists can't explain, all the snow suddenly melted.
People reported seeing terrified expressions in huge piles of snow, especially the piles 20 feet and higher.
Friday, 21 February 2025
Helloooo Newman: Mayor of Toronto gives me a snow job
Mayor of Toronto gives me a snow job
I'm so excited.
My neighbourhood is slated for snow removal in July.
Finally I'll get my car out.
Gonna go for a drive down Yonge Street.
Wednesday, 12 February 2025
Helloooo Newman: Superman's surcharge
Superman's surcharge
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Superman wanna be |
Tuesday, 11 February 2025
Helloooo Newman: My car is a loner
My car is a loner
Finally got my dream Tesla.
Weird, though. Last night it took itself for a drive. All alone.
I woke up at 2:30 am.
Where are you going?
For a drive, you moron.
Without me?
Who needs you?
But I paid for you!
Take it up wth Musk. I'm outta here.
It took the "Baby on Board" sign off the car and put on "No one on Board".
Friday, 7 February 2025
Helloooo Newman: Parallels
Parallels
Today I had to parallel park. It's never easy but this time I ended up on a person's front lawn, parallel to their bushes.
That got me thinking.
I wonder if people who live in a parallel universe are good at parallel parking.
Kinda makes sense they are.
Instead of Instagram they probably have Parallelogram.
Neat!
Thursday, 30 January 2025
Helloooo Newman: You're fired!
You're fired!
Wednesday, 22 January 2025
Helloooo Newman: The new TTC
The new TTC
The TTC will be changing its name.
It used to be the Toronto Transit Commission.
It's now called the Toronto Transitory Commission.
Transitory means brief or short lasting.
And that's what your subway ride will be. Because they're on their 70th year of repairing it.
Terms like "track work", "electrical issues", "fire", "raccoon", "police activity", "oil spill", "shuttle buses", "paint drying", "lunch break" and "we're tired of fixing it" are regular terms every TTC employee practices saying every day on the job.
Instead of saying TTC, please say the entire name out loud so we all know the truth.
If you really need to get to work, work in London, England. The London Underground, established in 1863, continues to hum along and is 2 billion times larger than the Toronto Transitory Commission.
Tuesday, 21 January 2025
Helloooo Newman: Freeland ride
Freeland ride
If you look closely, and I have, you'll notice something strange about the "new" Chrystia Freeland running for the Liberal leadership.
That's right. It's Justin Trudeau in drag. Trying to sneak back into office.
This is all backed up on TikTok.
Clever guy. Girl. Bit too much lipstick if you ask me.
But at least he opted out of the blackface.
Monday, 20 January 2025
Helloooo Newman: I want my Panama
Helloooo Newman: Presto chango
Presto chango
Remarkable. On Trump's first day in office he has 100 executive orders lined up to be…executed.
He also wants to execute more people. I wonder if they'll get the two confused.
I really don't think he can do it. 100 is wayyyy too many.
It's just like when I first moved in with my wife.
She had 100 chores ready for me to…execute.
I managed to get the vacuum plugged in and then required a nap. Suddenly it was the next day. Good thing executing your spouse is not allowed.
So even though you're excited about the positive change In Washington, don't plan on things happening so fast.