Helloooo Newman: No second shooter

Helloooo Newman: No second shooter: This just in. After an exhaustive study of all the facts and conspiracy theories, RFK JR has concluded that JFK was not shot but died from d...

No second shooter

This just in.

After an exhaustive study of all the facts and conspiracy theories,
RFK JR has concluded that JFK was not shot but died from drinking too much fluoride.

No, wait a minute.

The study wasn't exhaustive.

He's exhausted. 

All that speaking.

Helloooo Newman: Pouring his heart out

Helloooo Newman: Pouring his heart out: I was going to tell Doug Ford yesterday I am locating all my dog walking services to the U.S. but now I'm afraid of how he'll react....

Pouring his heart out

I was going to tell Doug Ford yesterday I am locating all my dog walking services to the U.S. but now I'm afraid of how he'll react.

Will he dump dog poop on my lawn? Will he feed Crown Royal to all  my dogs?

I definitely know that he knows my business better than I do. And if I need incentive to stay in Canada, him threatening me and calling me stupid will probably work.

Keep up the good work, Doug.

Helloooo Newman: Get a job, Job

Helloooo Newman: Get a job, Job: I wonder if Job from the Bible ever got angry and confused when people told him to get a job. But…I'm…say what, now? BTW, it's Job, ...

Get a job, Job

I wonder if Job from the Bible ever got angry and confused when people told him to get a job.

But…I'm…say what, now?

BTW, it's Job, not Job.

Helloooo Newman: The View

Helloooo Newman: The View: Yesterday a woman asked me about my views on lesbians and I told her it's usually in full HD, but sometimes I'm stuck with just my A...

The View

Yesterday a woman asked me about my views on lesbians and I told her it's usually in full HD, but sometimes I'm stuck with just my Apple Watch.

Helloooo Newman: Longer Universe

Helloooo Newman: Longer Universe: Cosmologists have discovered that if we keep daylight savings permanent, the universe will last 1 trillion years longer and have lots of lig...

Longer Universe

Cosmologists have discovered that if we keep daylight savings permanent, the universe will last 1 trillion years longer and have lots of light to stay out and play.

Helloooo Newman: Where were you?

Helloooo Newman: Where were you?: So? Where were you? When Taylor and Travis announced? Wedding bells, the new instrument on her next album I was shopping for Preparation H, ...

Where were you?

So?

Where were you?

When Taylor and Travis announced?

Wedding bells, the new instrument on her next album

I was shopping for Preparation H, on sale, aisle 4

Also cleanup on aisle 4

Sorry

Helloooo Newman: Sacrifical lamb

Helloooo Newman: Sacrifical lamb: In a weird way it's comforting that cops want me to give up all my belongings and possibly get murdered rather than defend myself and po...

Sacrifical lamb

In a weird way it's comforting that cops want me to give up all my belongings and possibly get murdered rather than defend myself and possibly break the law.

I'm willing to sacrifice myself for the police. That's why there's police.

Helloooo Newman: I would walk 10,000 steps

Helloooo Newman: I would walk 10,000 steps: My doctor told me it's okay to walk 10,000 steps a day as long as it's in the direction of a hospital just in case I collapse.

I would walk 10,000 steps

My doctor told me it's okay to walk 10,000 steps a day as long as it's in the direction of a hospital just in case I collapse.

Helloooo Newman: Dry Hell

Helloooo Newman: Dry Hell: I use to really worry about going to Hell. Until I read an obscure passage in the Bible that says it's a really dry heat. Not so worried...

Dry Hell

I use to really worry about going to Hell. Until I read an obscure passage in the Bible that says it's a really dry heat.

Not so worried anymore. I can deal with dry. Sounds better than Toronto, that's for sure. And if they have a subway, I bet it works all the time.

Helloooo Newman: Vlad "Cheeks" Putin

Helloooo Newman: Vlad "Cheeks" Putin: I would have thought Putin would show up in a bigger plane, given the amount of botox in his cheeks. Anyway, let's hope for a happy endi...

Vlad "Cheeks" Putin

I would have thought Putin would show up in a bigger plane, given the amount of botox in his cheeks.

Anyway, let's hope for a happy ending. Putin and Lavrov in an Alabama prison.

Helloooo Newman: Micro question

Helloooo Newman: Micro question: I understand the world is filled with micro-plastics and yet I never see them. But I see the micro-brewery I visit all the time. What's ...

Micro question

I understand the world is filled with micro-plastics and yet I never see them. But I see the micro-brewery I visit all the time.

What's going on?

Helloooo Newman: Inflation party

Helloooo Newman: Inflation party: Burgers at my place. Bring your own buns.

Inflation party

Burgers at my place. Bring your own buns.

Helloooo Newman: It's the saddest of all keys

Helloooo Newman: It's the saddest of all keys: Elton John is in the new Spinal Tap movie. As big a cultural icon as you can imagine. Katy Perry is dating Justin Trudeau. Someone's car...

It's the saddest of all keys

Elton John is in the new Spinal Tap movie. As big a cultural icon as you can imagine.

Katy Perry is dating Justin Trudeau.

Someone's career is still at 11.

Helloooo Newman: Circumcision

Helloooo Newman: Circumcision: I never knew that circumcision is short for circumference decision. Makes sense. Except you don't really get to decide.

Circumcision

I never knew that circumcision is short for circumference decision.

Makes sense. Except you don't really get to decide.

Helloooo Newman: The stuffie of my dreams

Helloooo Newman: The stuffie of my dreams: I don't get it. If fully grown adults can still have stuffies that they adore and not suffer any embarrassment, why can't I have a b...

The stuffie of my dreams

I don't get it.

If fully grown adults can still have stuffies that they adore and not suffer any embarrassment, why can't I have a blow-up doll of Charlize Theron?

Helloooo Newman: Best thing since sliced bread

Helloooo Newman: Best thing since sliced bread: Went to a new bakery today. The bread was incredibly delicious. Moist inside. Crispy outside. Best ever. I asked the baker what her secret w...

Best thing since sliced bread

Went to a new bakery today.

The bread was incredibly delicious. Moist inside. Crispy outside. Best ever.

I asked the baker what her secret was.

"On a scale of 1-10, this bread goes to leaven!"

Helloooo Newman: Texas hold 'em in contempt

Helloooo Newman: Texas hold 'em in contempt: I guess when you're convinced Jesus is your saviour, you do send your 5-year-old kid to camp on a known flood plain.

Texas hold 'em in contempt

I guess when you're convinced Jesus is your saviour, you do send your 5-year-old kid to camp on a known flood plain.

Helloooo Newman: Food for the road

Helloooo Newman: Food for the road: I had lunch at this new truck stop on the way up to the cottage.  Weird. The food wasn't that great, even though the chef said he had fo...

Food for the road

I had lunch at this new truck stop on the way up to the cottage. 

Weird. The food wasn't that great, even though the chef said he had four Michelin tires.

Helloooo Newman: I am Canadian

Helloooo Newman: I am Canadian: I get my dose of truth from the CBC and my donuts from Tim Hortons. I am Canadian.

I am Canadian

I get my dose of truth from the CBC and my donuts from Tim Hortons.

I am Canadian.

Helloooo Newman: When you gotta go

Helloooo Newman: When you gotta go: Last night Donald Trump was found wandering around the Situation Room while groaning and holding his tummy. Apparently he thought it was cal...

When you gotta go

Last night Donald Trump was found wandering around the Situation Room while groaning and holding his tummy. Apparently he thought it was called the Shituation room.

Helloooo Newman: Erectile high functioning

Helloooo Newman: Erectile high functioning: A group of Homo Erectus, reconstituted from old DNA, are suing Pfizer,  claiming to be the original developers of Viagra.

Erectile high functioning

A group of Homo Erectus, reconstituted from old DNA, are suing Pfizer, 

claiming to be the original developers of Viagra.

Helloooo Newman: Drinks and feline the grooves

Helloooo Newman: Drinks and feline the grooves:  Enjoying a nice Cat Sauvignon!

Drinks and feline the grooves

 Enjoying a nice Cat Sauvignon!

Helloooo Newman: Supreme leader

Helloooo Newman: Supreme leader: The supreme leader of Iran will now be referred to as: Ayatollah-you-so

Supreme leader

The supreme leader of Iran will now be referred to as:

Ayatollah-you-so

Helloooo Newman: Organic plastic?

Helloooo Newman: Organic plastic?: Here's an idea. Maybe, just maybe, when you buy an "organic" apple it shouldn't have a plastic sticker on it that goes in ...

Organic plastic?

Here's an idea.

Maybe, just maybe, when you buy an "organic" apple it shouldn't have a plastic sticker on it that goes in the garbage.

Just one of those fabulous ideas from Newman!

Helloooo Newman: Feeling congested?

Helloooo Newman: Feeling congested?: I had a chat with Toronto's Congestion Czar last week. I capitalize that because, well, he's a Czar. Turns out he had a cold and was...

Feeling congested?

I had a chat with Toronto's Congestion Czar last week. I capitalize that because, well, he's a Czar.

Turns out he had a cold and was all congested. How ironic, I said to him. He didn't see the irony.

"You know, just like the traffic. Congested."

Lots of phlegm noice.

Anyway, I don't mean to be so dismissive. He has some good ideas on the best way to get around Toronto given the ever-increasing number of cars, perpetual construction, a subway that doesn't open or can only stay running for 5 days before needing a fix, or is on fire, increasing Uber prices and more and more people getting stabbed or gunned down when they walk somewhere.

Some of his ideas for getting around efficiently are:

Stay home

Try another city, like Sal Paulo, population 5 billion

Map your trip out on Google Maps, then cancel the trip

If you're heading to Home Depot, cancel, as Olivia Chow suggested. This is one of the more clever-er ideas. By boycotting Home Depot, their business will go down, they'll lay people off, those unemployed people will stay home and boom, less traffic. I think that's called trickle-down unemployment. Kinda brilliant! Also skip the parade.

Don't wait for Ford, dig your own tunnel. Too bad you have to boycott Home Depot. There's a sale on Fisher-Price pails and shovels.

The number one suggestion is this: die, have your body put in a coffin, have a funeral, put the coffin in a hearse, join a long line of cars with a police escort. You'll sail along. I guess you could sneak in a trip to Home Depot as well.