Helloooo Newman: A real softie

Helloooo Newman: A real softie:   In Davos, Justin Trudeau argues the world needs more soft girlfriends. Or maybe it was soft power. Can't remember, but the world took ...

A real softie

 

In Davos, Justin Trudeau argues the world needs more soft girlfriends. Or maybe it was soft power. Can't remember, but the world took note.

Helloooo Newman: MAGAzines

Helloooo Newman: MAGAzines: Damn! Now I get it. MAGA Short for magazines Dopey dope me

MAGAzines

Damn! Now I get it.

MAGA

Short for magazines

Dopey dope me

Helloooo Newman: The great czars of history

Helloooo Newman: The great czars of history: People who know me know I'm a huge history buff. This week I've been reading a ton about the great czars of history and I compiled a...

The great czars of history

People who know me know I'm a huge history buff.

This week I've been reading a ton about the great czars of history and I compiled a list of the most powerful.

1. Ivan the Terrible
Known as a terrible guy but historians think he had a softer side when he wasn't busy executing people.

2. Catherine the Great
A woman. So Catherine the pretty good. No doubt she was good at being an autocrat but she was a woman, so…Catherine the so so.

3. Nicholas II
He was the last Russian czar and was overthrown so didn't do such a hot job.

4. Toronto's Traffic Czar
This is the greatest and most powerful czar in history. With an iron fist he will crush Toronto traffic. His first proclamation? There's too much traffic and construction in Toronto. Unfortunately, as you can see here, he's stuck in traffic. He's the blue car.

Helloooo Newman: New-to-me foods

Helloooo Newman: New-to-me foods: One of my resolutions is to try new-to-me foods. Everyone says they try "new" foods but if I say, "I tried a new food today -...

New-to-me foods

One of my resolutions is to try new-to-me foods. Everyone says they try "new" foods but if I say, "I tried a new food today - cumquats." Well, that's not a new food, is it? It's not new to the earth.

You think just because you try a new-to-you food it suddenly bursts into existence and everyone should try it too?

New-to-you is the proper term.

Anyway.

I tried to make egg drop soup. I just couldn't figure out what happens after you drop the eggs on the floor. Scooping them up was messy and difficult. And not particularly appetizing. 

Tomorrow, toad in the hole.

Helloooo Newman: Katy's conundrum

Helloooo Newman: Katy's conundrum: Since dating Justin Trudeau, Katy Perry is complaining her taxes have gone up 1000%, she has to wait 2 days in the emergency room and she...

Katy's conundrum

Since dating Justin Trudeau, Katy Perry is complaining her taxes have gone up 1000%, she has to wait 2 days in the emergency room and she's exhausted from so many land acknowledgements.

Helloooo Newman: Ice on fire

Helloooo Newman: Ice on fire: Well, it looks like ICE is winning the war against murderous moms in SUVs.  It's still a toss up who will win. Thousands of ICE agents w...

Ice on fire

Well, it looks like ICE is winning the war against murderous moms in SUVs. 

It's still a toss up who will win. Thousands of ICE agents with automatic weapons or one mom with her car.

If I were a bettin' man…

Helloooo Newman: DNA test

Helloooo Newman: DNA test: Got my DNA tested last week. It passed as human. It said I'm white, male, guilty of all historical crimes and should avoid wearing cargo...

DNA test

Got my DNA tested last week. It passed as human.

It said I'm white, male, guilty of all historical crimes and should avoid wearing cargo pants with dress shoes.

Helloooo Newman: Power grab

Helloooo Newman: Power grab: The horror. The horror. If I were POTUS, I wouldn't invade a country and steal their oil. How last century is that? I'd steal their ...

Power grab

The horror. The horror.

If I were POTUS, I wouldn't invade a country and steal their oil. How last century is that?

I'd steal their solar power. No one ever does that.

You know who's the largest producer of solar energy?

China.

Let's invade and take their solar panels. I would ship them to the U.S. via Amazon. Of course I'd ask for next day delivery. But don't leave them on the White House porch. Porch pirates everywhere. We'll store them in the ballroom.

Let's also steal all their batteries. There must be billions of batteries in China.

Let's steal their coal too. You know who's the biggest producer of coal power?

China.

While we're there, let's steal all their MSG. I love that shit. Dip my wings in it.

You know who's the biggest producer of MSG?

China.

Hmmm. Looks like there's lots of solid reasons to invade China.

Lastly, there's bundt cake. I love a good bundt cake. Everyone overlooks bundt cake as a good reason for invasion.

You know who's the biggest producer of bundt cake.

America.

Oh, shit. Okay, can we invade ourselves? 

Helloooo Newman: Baby Perry-Trudeau

Helloooo Newman: Baby Perry-Trudeau:   Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry have decided that Justin will carry their new baby, in keeping with his feminist creds. In this picture, Jus...

Baby Perry-Trudeau

 

Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry have decided that Justin will carry their new baby, in keeping with his feminist creds.

In this picture, Justin is trying to figure out the tiny carbon footprint of the baby so he can tax it.

Justin is quick to point out that this doesn't mean he identifies as a woman but still identifies as the worst Prime Minister Canada has ever experienced.

Helloooo Newman: Old farts are the worst

Helloooo Newman: Old farts are the worst: I decided a long time ago I don't want to live to be really old. Whenever I hear of someone who dies before 80, I think wow, what's ...

Old farts are the worst

I decided a long time ago I don't want to live to be really old.

Whenever I hear of someone who dies before 80, I think wow, what's their secret? Please tell me it's chicken wings and beer.

I want the full death experience so I'm thinking I'll hire a death coach. My life coach knows a good one. I tried calling him but his line is always dead.

I kinda wonder how death feels about being…death. I imagine he's thinking: "you know, I originally applied to be life. He gets all the girls. I get necrophilia. My worst days is when it's a life or death situation. Then I have to cooperate with life and we don't get along.

I'm buddies with taxes, though. Death and taxes, what a joke! I haven't paid taxes in eons."

Truth is, I'm really afraid of dying. Maybe I'll have some appointment when it happens so I won't be there. Chances are it will happen when I'm napping, since that's what I'm doing most at any given time. If I am awake, I hope it doesn't happen slowly, like as slow as the Finch LRT. I want it real quick, like the male reaching orgasm.

Anyway, those are my Christmas thoughts. Enjoy yours.

Enjoy your death. In the meantime, you might as well enjoy Christmas.

Helloooo Newman: Joining the big dump

Helloooo Newman: Joining the big dump: Republicans, feeling left out of the swamp, have approached Pam Bondi, pleading to be included in the Epstein files dump. Many are asking to...

Joining the big dump

Republicans, feeling left out of the swamp, have approached Pam Bondi, pleading to be included in the Epstein files dump.

Many are asking to be airbrushed into the photos, hoping to bask in the glory of the dirt, filth and lying that propelled them to office.

Mitch McConnell exclaimed, "I'm a dirty old man for sure. I may not remember anything but I can behave with the lowest of them."

Why does Clinton get all the attention?

Lauren Boebert claimed, "I was a Madame in grade school and really good at it."

More filth to come…

Helloooo Newman: Presidential Plaque

Helloooo Newman: Presidential Plaque: Donald Trump is extending his hall of plaques to the entire country. Dentists for Trump with carve "It's all Sleepy Joe's fault...

Presidential Plaque

Donald Trump is extending his hall of plaques to the entire country.

Dentists for Trump with carve "It's all Sleepy Joe's fault" in the plaque of every patient they treat.

This will be done free of charge, with money being diverted from life-saving treatments like cancer drugs and nuisance surgeries.

Helloooo Newman: Skip the what?

Helloooo Newman: Skip the what?: Archeologists have discovered that early cavemen actually started the company "Skip the Dishes", mostly because dishes didn't ...

Skip the what?

Archeologists have discovered that early cavemen actually started the company "Skip the Dishes", mostly because dishes didn't exist at the time.

Okay, it was actually a woman who started it, but the cavemen took all the credit.

Archeologists concluded that times haven't changed that much.

Helloooo Newman: A Black Christmas

Helloooo Newman: A Black Christmas: Katy Perry says she only wants one Christmas present from her boyfriend, Justin. A truly special present. Please hand out presents in blackf...

A Black Christmas

Katy Perry says she only wants one Christmas present from her boyfriend, Justin.

A truly special present.

Please hand out presents in blackface, honey.

No word on his plans.

Helloooo Newman: New pizza

Helloooo Newman: New pizza: I've created a new pizza you're gonna love. Brought to you by Minnesota Fats and Fats Domino. Minnesota Fats Domino's pizza. Piz...

New pizza

I've created a new pizza you're gonna love.

Brought to you by Minnesota Fats and Fats Domino.

Minnesota Fats Domino's pizza.

Pizza to get fat by.

Comes with a limited supply of Ozempic.

Perfect for family Xmas dinner.

Helloooo Newman: Out of the box

Helloooo Newman: Out of the box: I'm thinking out of the box this Christmas. So much so that none of my gifts will be put in boxes. So far out of the box that my gifts w...

Out of the box

I'm thinking out of the box this Christmas.

So much so that none of my gifts will be put in boxes.

So far out of the box that my gifts will stay in the store and people can pick them up themselves.

I'll reimburse. 

Helloooo Newman: Slow loses the race

Helloooo Newman: Slow loses the race: Had to rush my pet turtle to the vet. Took the Finch LRT. My turtle wouldn't shut up.  Christ! This is slow. Can we walk? We walked toge...

Slow loses the race

Had to rush my pet turtle to the vet.

Took the Finch LRT.

My turtle wouldn't shut up. 

Christ! This is slow. Can we walk?

We walked together.

He's fine.

Helloooo Newman: Made in Canada

Helloooo Newman: Made in Canada: With Carney in charge, Canada is on its way to becoming a superpower in energy and…canned food? That's right, folks. New on the Canadian...

Made in Canada

With Carney in charge, Canada is on its way to becoming a superpower in energy and…canned food?

That's right, folks. New on the Canadian market.

Chili con Carney.

Made in Canada with Canadian prices to match.

Only $5 a can. Oh, wait a minute…it's $10. Oops, just want up to $20. Oh man, now it's on sale for $50.

Check back tomorrow, folks. New price, new flavour, new smaller can.

Support the Canadian dream!

Helloooo Newman: Under the influencer

Helloooo Newman: Under the influencer: If I'm an influencer and a cop stops me for drinking and driving, am I allowed to be under the influence? Or, since I'm the influenc...

Under the influencer

If I'm an influencer and a cop stops me for drinking and driving, am I allowed to be under the influence? Or, since I'm the influencer, maybe he's under the influence?

Dunno, but interesting.

I await the Supreme Court ruling.

Helloooo Newman: Grand opening and closing

Helloooo Newman: Grand opening and closing: The Eglinton LRT is scheduled to open January 1. It's also closed January 1 because it's a holiday. January 2 onwards it's close...

Grand opening and closing

The Eglinton LRT is scheduled to open January 1. It's also closed January 1 because it's a holiday. January 2 onwards it's closed for track work.

Enjoy your ride.

Helloooo Newman: This street is closed

Helloooo Newman: This street is closed: A guy I know complained that I wasn't being a good friend. Didn't call him enough. Said friendship was a two-way street. A two-way s...

This street is closed

A guy I know complained that I wasn't being a good friend. Didn't call him enough.

Said friendship was a two-way street.

A two-way street? With the traffic in this city? Are you ill?

My friendship doesn't ride on streets that are clogged with cars and trucks and buses and e-bikes and scooters and cold food in a bag and gunfire and broken down buses. Want me to call you? Sorry, this street is closed for repairs.

My friendship skills aren't even a one-way street.

They're better described by the Eglinton Crosstown LRT. 

Sorry, not open yet. Still building. And if it opens, it's closed for repairs.

Talk soon.

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks: My favourite restaurant

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks: My favourite restaurant: Starbucks used to be for coffee. Now it's a place for people who crave a banana split and some caffeine. It's really a DQ for tired ...

Starbucks: My favourite restaurant

Starbucks used to be for coffee. Now it's a place for people who crave a banana split and some caffeine.

It's really a DQ for tired people.

Some girl in there ordered half sugar? What are you, a half-wit? The sugar's already in everything. Even sugar coated coffee beans. Can I get double insulin?

Maybe it's even a restaurant. Incredibly, they offer a creme brûlée latte. That's flat-out dessert. I'll start with the caesar salad smoothie, the t-bone espresso, medium rare and the creme brûlée latte. Not a bad meal for $100.

And all the stupid names. Grande. Skinny latte. Is this a good time to be mentioning people's weight?

I'll have the skinny egg white sandwich and a fat beer.

Yesterday I asked the girl for a skinny ariana grande. Not just skinny. Starving. Undernourished. I have to lie down grande. Unconscious.

They don't offer that, she said.

Helloooo Newman: That's so gifty

Helloooo Newman: That's so gifty: What I want for Xmas, if you're shopping for me. I'm the same size as JC

That's so gifty

What I want for Xmas, if you're shopping for me.

I'm the same size as JC

Helloooo Newman: Ambulatory Alert

Helloooo Newman: Ambulatory Alert: The heads of the TTC and Metrolinx were seen crying over a beer and wondering why ridership was down after telling customers to fuck off and...

Ambulatory Alert

The heads of the TTC and Metrolinx were seen crying over a beer and wondering why ridership was down after telling customers to fuck off and walk home.

Helloooo Newman: TTC learns baseball

Helloooo Newman: TTC learns baseball: The TTC apologizes for the lousy service Saturday night after the Jays game. They learned that baseball players can be made to walk the base...

TTC learns baseball

The TTC apologizes for the lousy service Saturday night after the Jays game.

They learned that baseball players can be made to walk the bases, so naturally they assumed they could make their customers walk too.

What baseball fans! What Toronto spirit!