Helloooo Newman: Educating Jordan

Helloooo Newman: Educating Jordan: Do you like Jordan Peterson? I think he's kind of a dick. He never smiles, rarely laughs, takes himself way too seriously, and I hear he...

Educating Jordan

Do you like Jordan Peterson?

I think he's kind of a dick. He never smiles, rarely laughs, takes himself way too seriously, and I hear he makes a really dry, flavourless meatloaf.

No wonder he put the brakes on his standup career.

I also disagree with a lot of what he says. On the other hand, some of what he espouses makes sense to me. I kind of like that he takes a risk saying things that get him in trouble, even if I disagree.

Of course he says dramatic things to sell books and make money. Who doesn't? I do the same to sell this blog, which is free and makes me no money. I know, you're dying to pay for it, but I refuse!

Anyway, I'm glad he's being forced into a reeducation program so that he thinks proper and all that. 

He'll be so much more interesting.

In fact, this entire world would be so much better if everyone could just think the same way about everything.

I'm pretty sure the CEO of Metrolinx has taken this course. From when he was a baby. Today he said they are making monumental strides on the…um…what are they doing again?

Oh I can't remember. Anyway, it's the right thing to say. Everything is better when the "right" thing is said.

Ahhhhhhhh. That's the relaxing sigh of everyone saying the same thing. Breath in. Think proper. Breath out.

You can do it.

I think I need this course.

Helloooo Newman: Sorry daddy

Helloooo Newman: Sorry daddy: Did you ever rip the legs off a daddy long legs and watch his ball body squirm around? I mean as a kid. Nah, me neither.

Sorry daddy

Did you ever rip the legs off a daddy long legs and watch his ball body squirm around?

I mean as a kid.

Nah, me neither.

Helloooo Newman: Bondable

Helloooo Newman: Bondable: Peter Dinklage as James Bond! Yes?

Bondable

Peter Dinklage as James Bond!

Yes?

Helloooo Newman: Hot and bothered

Helloooo Newman: Hot and bothered: It's too fucking hot. For too fucking long. Come on, planet earth! You've made your point. Now cool it! The other day I didn't g...

Hot and bothered

It's too fucking hot.

For too fucking long.

Come on, planet earth! You've made your point.

Now cool it!

The other day I didn't get a chance to eat and I got really hangry.

It was also really fucking hot, so I got…again, hangry.

We get it. It's a global problem requiring a global solution.

That's why North American is electric "car-ing". Canada is even forcing it by 2035.

Bit of a wee tiny problem, though. 

Our politicians won't let us buy electric cars that we can actually afford. 

Someone on the globe can make really cheap electric cars. To help us with this global problem. We don't like them much, but it's a global problem. And suddenly they're trying to "flood" the world with cheap electric cars. A substitute word for cheap is affordable. In a world which needs electric cars. How dare them.

Nope! Not a global problem anymore. Instead of "flooding" the world with electric cars, we prefer to watch it flood with water.

Imagine doing that with food? Forcing people to eat a certain food and then raising the price? 

It's the 2 guys below that are in charge. Get it? Charge? Can't even afford a car I can charge. Can't charge it on my credit card. I'm not in charge.

Anyway, mother earth. I know you're hangry with us.

Stay tuned.

Helloooo Newman: Air Nada

Helloooo Newman: Air Nada: Canadians celebrate in hopes that Air Canada pilots will go on strike and they won't be forced to fly Canada's national airline. I p...

Air Nada

Canadians celebrate in hopes that Air Canada pilots will go on strike and they won't be forced to fly Canada's national airline.

I predict once they stop flying, they'll be voted the best airline in North America instead of the worst.

Their new motto: Fly the Metrolinx of the skies

Helloooo Newman: Strike Two?

Helloooo Newman: Strike Two?: Metrolinx was going to join the train strike but realized no one would notice they stopped working.

Strike Two?

Metrolinx was going to join the train strike but realized no one would notice they stopped working.

Helloooo Newman: New breed

Helloooo Newman: New breed: In an effort to break up the Google monopoly, it will be mated with a poodle and called Poogle.

New breed

In an effort to break up the Google monopoly, it will be mated with a poodle and called Poogle.

Helloooo Newman: Goodbye yellow brick bike path

Helloooo Newman: Goodbye yellow brick bike path: Metrolinx, known for its rigorous construction schedules and tight budgets, put in a quote to build 2 km of bike paths. Cost: $150 million A...

Goodbye yellow brick bike path

Metrolinx, known for its rigorous construction schedules and tight budgets, put in a quote to build 2 km of bike paths. Cost: $150 million

A wise person sat down with them and informed them the bike lanes are not on Pluto, but in the city of Toronto.

Oh. That will be more expensive, said Metrolinx.

Helloooo Newman: Micro cause 'em

Helloooo Newman: Micro cause 'em: Yesterday I threw my coffee across the room as I read that everything we eat and drink has micro-plastics in it. Is that a micro-aggression?...

Micro cause 'em

Yesterday I threw my coffee across the room as I read that everything we eat and drink has micro-plastics in it.

Is that a micro-aggression? I mean, technically speaking.

Helloooo Newman: Colossal egg hunt

Helloooo Newman: Colossal egg hunt: Must have been brutal for kids on Easter Island during Easter. Trying to find colossal stone eggs buried in the ground. Then digging them up...

Colossal egg hunt

Must have been brutal for kids on Easter Island during Easter.

Trying to find colossal stone eggs buried in the ground. Then digging them up and putting them in a basket. Then getting to the chocolate inside.

Sounds like a lot of work.

Helloooo Newman: By a nose

Helloooo Newman: By a nose:  Trump, if he looked the other way.

By a nose

 Trump, if he looked the other way.

Helloooo Newman: Sniping

Helloooo Newman: Sniping: Did they have to hire the one sniper who came last in his class?  Was the budget not big enough? Remember, practice makes perfect. Is it too...

Sniping

Did they have to hire the one sniper who came last in his class? 

Was the budget not big enough?

Remember, practice makes perfect.

Is it too soon?

Nah!

Helloooo Newman: Lemonade Control Board of Ontario

Helloooo Newman: Lemonade Control Board of Ontario: I'm so glad the LCBO strike is over. And children's lemonade stands won the right to sell liquor. What a step forward. As long as 50...

Lemonade Control Board of Ontario

I'm so glad the LCBO strike is over.

And children's lemonade stands won the right to sell liquor. What a step forward. As long as 5000 lemonade stands stay open, the kids get $50/hr and no one else can sell lemonade.

Congratulations, Ontario.

I'll have a J&B on the rocks.

Jelly Beans on the rocks?

Helloooo Newman: Oxy

Helloooo Newman: Oxy: Well, with it being so hard to find liquor, I roamed the streets looking for a hit. Bought some Oxy from a guy in a parking garage downtown....

Oxy

Well, with it being so hard to find liquor, I roamed the streets looking for a hit.

Bought some Oxy from a guy in a parking garage downtown.

Turns out he ripped me off.

It wasn't OxyContin.

It was OxyMoron.

I've never felt more conflicted in my life. 

Guess I'm the moron.

Helloooo Newman: The science of liquor

Helloooo Newman: The science of liquor: Hey, how about the Science Centre sells liquor? Bet you they'd open it now!

The science of liquor

Hey, how about the Science Centre sells liquor?

Bet you they'd open it now!

Helloooo Newman: Striking out on their own

Helloooo Newman: Striking out on their own: I was speaking to one of my best friends, Jim Beam, this morning. He's bummed. Out of a job. Went on a bender. Was caught by the police ...

Striking out on their own

I was speaking to one of my best friends, Jim Beam, this morning.

He's bummed. Out of a job. Went on a bender. Was caught by the police with a 40% alcohol content in his body. The problem is he keeps his emotions all bottled up. He's angry.

But not as angry as my wild friend Jack (Daniels). He travelled all the way from Tennessee to work here. He's losing it, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He always thought it should have been called The Moonshining. He drowns himself in spirits to forget.

You should have heard what Johnnie (Walker) screamed at me. It's mighty hard for him to sit on a shelf all day, walking, albeit crookedly, being in his nature. And now his colleagues walk out on him. Left high a dry.

How would you feel if you were like my buddy Morgan, who's achieved the status of Captain? He's yelling, "who put you in charge?" in a voice matching Hudson from Aliens. "Rum in your tum tum" he kept singing. Who knows when he'll see a stomach again.

One vodka I was chilling with is pissed to the Absolut. Smirnoff is changing his name to Pissedoff. Chartreuse was so blotto he kept singing "chartreuse micro-bus" from Blinded by the Light. Poor Kahlua was going through this all by himself. Too much of him and you feel sick.

Last I saw them, they were all crammed on a shelf and planning to strike out on their own.

Sounds like an excellent idea!

Helloooo Newman: The two-step down

Helloooo Newman: The two-step down: Please wake me when it's over Please re-elect me   Two of these leaders need to step down now. Can you guess which two?

The two-step down

Please wake me when it's over

Please re-elect me

 

Two of these leaders need to step down now. Can you guess which two?

Helloooo Newman: Science uncentred

Helloooo Newman: Science uncentred: Doug Ford caves in to developers. Sorry, I mean the Science Centre roof might cave in to snow. One of those July snow storms we often get.

Science uncentred

Doug Ford caves in to developers.

Sorry, I mean the Science Centre roof might cave in to snow. One of those July snow storms we often get.

Helloooo Newman: Friends, Canadians, countrymen, I'll lend you my ears

Helloooo Newman: Friends, Canadians, countrymen, I'll lend you my ears:   Justin Trudeau is all ears now. "Sorry, what? What are you saying?"

Friends, Canadians, countrymen, I'll lend you my ears

 

Justin Trudeau is all ears now.

"Sorry, what? What are you saying?"

Helloooo Newman: Cone of silence

Helloooo Newman: Cone of silence:   Why don't we put a giant one of these over the entire city of Toronto? Wouldn't it be easier?

Cone of silence

 

Why don't we put a giant one of these over the entire city of Toronto?

Wouldn't it be easier?

Helloooo Newman: Waves and domes

Helloooo Newman: Waves and domes: Remember when it used to get hot. We called it a heat wave. Covered an entire city. Really hot. Lasted a week or two. Maybe three. Suddenly ...

Waves and domes

Remember when it used to get hot. We called it a heat wave.

Covered an entire city. Really hot. Lasted a week or two. Maybe three.

Suddenly it's called a dome. Is that because of the SkyDome?

If there's a heat dome over Toronto, shouldn't it open and close? Shouldn't beer be $30 and boiled hot dogs $50?

I hope they open the heat dome this week.

Helloooo Newman: Track maintenance diet

Helloooo Newman: Track maintenance diet: I've been struggling to lose a few pounds. It's not easy when you're my advanced age. So I've hit upon a great plan. You sho...

Track maintenance diet

I've been struggling to lose a few pounds. It's not easy when you're my advanced age.

So I've hit upon a great plan. You should try it.

I stop eating every time the TTC closes the subway for track maintenance.

That's every weekend for the last 100 years. No food for me.

Apparently there's thousands of kilometres of track that need fixing. No one knows where this track is, but they're fixing it.

I think maybe they get lost and end up in London, England fixing the Tube. But the Tube is doing just fine.

The Tube - 161 years old, 250 miles of track

TTC - 70 year old, 43 miles of track

Helloooo Newman: Rice-A-Money

Helloooo Newman: Rice-A-Money: I've decided the day you only get a single piece of rice in a package I will seriously consider switching to something else. Or, maybe b...

Rice-A-Money

I've decided the day you only get a single piece of rice in a package I will seriously consider switching to something else.

Or, maybe buy 2000 packages.

Helloooo Newman: Love game

Helloooo Newman: Love game: Be still me beating heart.  Leo is a tennis fan. In celebration, maybe I'll let him keep his balls. Leo caught the tennis ball twice and...

Love game

Be still me beating heart. 

Leo is a tennis fan. In celebration, maybe I'll let him keep his balls.

Leo caught the tennis ball twice and they had to delay play.

How embarrassing.

How cute.

Also scratched the player's leg. Not good.

But cute.

Helloooo Newman: Hello my rag time cat

Helloooo Newman: Hello my rag time cat:   Turns out Leo is a very talented mimic. Here he's doing the dancing frog from Bugs Bunny. And he's never seen it. As far as talent...

Hello my rag time cat

 

Turns out Leo is a very talented mimic. Here he's doing the dancing frog from Bugs Bunny. And he's never seen it.

As far as talent goes, he's clearly in a cat-egory unto himself.

Obviously I'm rushing out to get a top hat and cane.

I'm gonna be rich!

Ribbit....