Helloooo Newman: No more Factbook

Helloooo Newman: No more Factbook: Since Facebook is ending its fact checking services, I would like to finally announce that I'm Jesus Christ. Pray to me…harder!

No more Factbook

Since Facebook is ending its fact checking services, I would like to finally announce that I'm Jesus Christ.

Pray to me…harder!

Helloooo Newman: Another hero dies

Helloooo Newman: Another hero dies: I just found out the one and only Betty White had a nasty side to her behind the camera. She fat-shamed people. How to destroy any hope I ha...

Another hero dies

I just found out the one and only Betty White had a nasty side to her behind the camera.

She fat-shamed people.

How to destroy any hope I have in humanity.

Betty Fucking White…nasty!

And Michelle Obama isn't attending Trump's inaugural. 

Michelle Fucking Obama (oops, sorry).

First of all, if I was a celebrity, I'd reverse it. Be a total sweetheart behind the camera and the nastiest asshole in front of it. For transparency.

And I'm definitely selling my ticket to the trump party.

Helloooo Newman: NDE

Helloooo Newman: NDE: What's with this near death experience? People say, with this angelic look glued on their visage, that they died and joined the afterlif...

NDE

What's with this near death experience?

People say, with this angelic look glued on their visage, that they died and joined the afterlife, which is always the same. Saw my relatives, I was at total peace, no traffic, no taxes, I didn't want to come back.

Yet when they're alive they don't even want to have Thanksgiving dinner with their relatives. There are no food fights in Heaven.

Besides, if you're dead, you're not near dead. You're dead. You're not mostly dead. You're dead. So where did this "near" come from?

I'm near death. So are you. It could happen in a New York nanosecond. A Fedex truck hits you. You're dead and in Heaven, Fedup with life.

It's doesn't get any nearer.

Imagine coming back to life and your entire attitude is "I don't want to be here. This sucks. You should check out this other place" God has some 'splanin' to do. Why live if being dead is so wonderful? It's like when I was stuck in the New Jersey airport on my way to New York. This sucks, where's Legoland?

Then God saunters along, Jesus chained to His leg. Welcome to the party, pal (being in charge of the afterlife, obviously he's a Die Hard fan). Party's over. Yer going back. Enjoy. Taxes due next week.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Helloooo Newman: Painless chicken

Helloooo Newman: Painless chicken: I feel sorry for chicken raised without antibiotics. How would you feel if you had pneumonia and the doctor denied you the proper medication...

Painless chicken

I feel sorry for chicken raised without antibiotics.

How would you feel if you had pneumonia and the doctor denied you the proper medication because you'll be eaten by someone in the future?

That would suck. You'll be eaten and you have to cough your lungs out as a kid.

How about a cough drop? The chicken would plead. Maybe some NyQuil?

I only eat chicken raised on fentanyl. It's all painless for them.

Helloooo Newman: Tax holiday

Helloooo Newman: Tax holiday: Trudeau, in responding to Trump's desire to buy Canada on Amazon, said if the US buys Canada during the tax holiday, he won't charge...

Tax holiday

Trudeau, in responding to Trump's desire to buy Canada on Amazon, said if the US buys Canada during the tax holiday, he won't charge HST on the country.

I'd snap that up!

Helloooo Newman: Winded chill

Helloooo Newman: Winded chill: We've all felt the wind chill. It's -7, feels like -30. Today, I felt the winded chill. Can you feel the winded chill? I'm 62, f...

Winded chill

We've all felt the wind chill. It's -7, feels like -30.

Today, I felt the winded chill.

Can you feel the winded chill?

I'm 62, feels like 98!

Walk up 4 stairs. Congrats, I just completed an Ironman triathlon. Looking forward to doing more stairs in a year.

Look for the winded chill report on your next newscast.

Helloooo Newman: Ethical cheating

Helloooo Newman: Ethical cheating: I'm so proud of my daughter. Third year university. Things get really difficult! But she swung at 94% on her Ethics exam. Wow! She cheat...

Ethical cheating

I'm so proud of my daughter.

Third year university. Things get really difficult!

But she swung at 94% on her Ethics exam. Wow!

She cheated, so I thought the mark would be higher.

Still, something to brag about.

Helloooo Newman: Take the long way home

Helloooo Newman: Take the long way home: I was a little disturbed when I looked out the window of the subway and saw a big rat moving faster down the tunnel than me.  Maybe he can h...

Take the long way home

I was a little disturbed when I looked out the window of the subway and saw a big rat moving faster down the tunnel than me. 

Maybe he can help with the repairs. 

Hey rat, come join the rat race.

Helloooo Newman: Can the trains run on time?

Helloooo Newman: Can the trains run on time?: I'm no fan of Mussolini. But he did make the trains run on time. How about it, TTC? Do we need our own Mussolini to kick you in the thir...

Can the trains run on time?

I'm no fan of Mussolini. But he did make the trains run on time.

How about it, TTC?

Do we need our own Mussolini to kick you in the third rail?

15 years of fixing isn't enough?

The pyramids, 2500 years ago, took 20 years. And look how long they've lasted.

Unless you want to turn the whole system into a museum from an ancient society where things used to work.

Helloooo Newman: Oprah Chopra

Helloooo Newman: Oprah Chopra: Looks like Trump et al might make some radical changes. But still, he'll never get Oprah to marry Deepak Chopra. That's real change...

Oprah Chopra

Looks like Trump et al might make some radical changes.

But still, he'll never get Oprah to marry Deepak Chopra.

That's real change.

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Trump Card

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Trump Card:   Go get 'em, Justin

Canada's Trump Card

 

Go get 'em, Justin

Helloooo Newman: My export advice

Helloooo Newman: My export advice: I think we should export Bernardo to the deepest, darkest, most violent prison in America, despite the 25% tariff.

My export advice

I think we should export Bernardo to the deepest, darkest, most violent prison in America, despite the 25% tariff.

Helloooo Newman: Eras Tears

Helloooo Newman: Eras Tears: Taylor Swift sobbed at her last Toronto concert. Poor girl. I reacted the same way the first time I saw Justin Trudeau dance. Don't let ...

Eras Tears

Taylor Swift sobbed at her last Toronto concert.

Poor girl.

I reacted the same way the first time I saw Justin Trudeau dance.

Don't let that stop you from coming back, T

Helloooo Newman: Happy HSTolidays

Helloooo Newman: Happy HSTolidays: Did you hear the great news that has nothing to do with an upcoming erection? Ah, election? No HST on children's beer, tree toys and Chr...

Happy HSTolidays

Did you hear the great news that has nothing to do with an upcoming erection? Ah, election?

No HST on children's beer, tree toys and Christmas.

Hmmm. That doesn't sound right, does it.

Could be Christmas beer, children's trees and toys.

Did I read it wrong?

Maybe it's children's toys, beer and Christmas trees?

Not sure.

Anyway. Free money.

And it's not Doug the slug doing it. I thought he was the beer guy. Beer in corner stores. Beer at lemonade stands. Followed by the media frenzy over the evils of making alcohol more available.

Then Justin goes and makes beer cheaper.

Go figure.

The more you drink, the more you save. And you only have a 3 month window to do all that drinkin'. I guess it's Create an Alcoholic season.

When you need votes, it's better to have your population drunk.

Helloooo Newman: Educating Jordan

Helloooo Newman: Educating Jordan: Do you like Jordan Peterson? I think he's kind of a dick. He never smiles, rarely laughs, takes himself way too seriously, and I hear he...

Educating Jordan

Do you like Jordan Peterson?

I think he's kind of a dick. He never smiles, rarely laughs, takes himself way too seriously, and I hear he makes a really dry, flavourless meatloaf.

No wonder he put the brakes on his standup career.

I also disagree with a lot of what he says. On the other hand, some of what he espouses makes sense to me. I kind of like that he takes a risk saying things that get him in trouble, even if I disagree.

Of course he says dramatic things to sell books and make money. Who doesn't? I do the same to sell this blog, which is free and makes me no money. I know, you're dying to pay for it, but I refuse!

Anyway, I'm glad he's being forced into a reeducation program so that he thinks proper and all that. 

He'll be so much more interesting.

In fact, this entire world would be so much better if everyone could just think the same way about everything.

I'm pretty sure the CEO of Metrolinx has taken this course. From when he was a baby. Today he said they are making monumental strides on the…um…what are they doing again?

Oh I can't remember. Anyway, it's the right thing to say. Everything is better when the "right" thing is said.

Ahhhhhhhh. That's the relaxing sigh of everyone saying the same thing. Breath in. Think proper. Breath out.

You can do it.

I think I need this course.

Helloooo Newman: Sorry daddy

Helloooo Newman: Sorry daddy: Did you ever rip the legs off a daddy long legs and watch his ball body squirm around? I mean as a kid. Nah, me neither.

Sorry daddy

Did you ever rip the legs off a daddy long legs and watch his ball body squirm around?

I mean as a kid.

Nah, me neither.

Helloooo Newman: Bondable

Helloooo Newman: Bondable: Peter Dinklage as James Bond! Yes?

Bondable

Peter Dinklage as James Bond!

Yes?

Helloooo Newman: Hot and bothered

Helloooo Newman: Hot and bothered: It's too fucking hot. For too fucking long. Come on, planet earth! You've made your point. Now cool it! The other day I didn't g...

Hot and bothered

It's too fucking hot.

For too fucking long.

Come on, planet earth! You've made your point.

Now cool it!

The other day I didn't get a chance to eat and I got really hangry.

It was also really fucking hot, so I got…again, hangry.

We get it. It's a global problem requiring a global solution.

That's why North American is electric "car-ing". Canada is even forcing it by 2035.

Bit of a wee tiny problem, though. 

Our politicians won't let us buy electric cars that we can actually afford. 

Someone on the globe can make really cheap electric cars. To help us with this global problem. We don't like them much, but it's a global problem. And suddenly they're trying to "flood" the world with cheap electric cars. A substitute word for cheap is affordable. In a world which needs electric cars. How dare them.

Nope! Not a global problem anymore. Instead of "flooding" the world with electric cars, we prefer to watch it flood with water.

Imagine doing that with food? Forcing people to eat a certain food and then raising the price? 

It's the 2 guys below that are in charge. Get it? Charge? Can't even afford a car I can charge. Can't charge it on my credit card. I'm not in charge.

Anyway, mother earth. I know you're hangry with us.

Stay tuned.

Helloooo Newman: Air Nada

Helloooo Newman: Air Nada: Canadians celebrate in hopes that Air Canada pilots will go on strike and they won't be forced to fly Canada's national airline. I p...

Air Nada

Canadians celebrate in hopes that Air Canada pilots will go on strike and they won't be forced to fly Canada's national airline.

I predict once they stop flying, they'll be voted the best airline in North America instead of the worst.

Their new motto: Fly the Metrolinx of the skies

Helloooo Newman: Strike Two?

Helloooo Newman: Strike Two?: Metrolinx was going to join the train strike but realized no one would notice they stopped working.

Strike Two?

Metrolinx was going to join the train strike but realized no one would notice they stopped working.

Helloooo Newman: New breed

Helloooo Newman: New breed: In an effort to break up the Google monopoly, it will be mated with a poodle and called Poogle.

New breed

In an effort to break up the Google monopoly, it will be mated with a poodle and called Poogle.

Helloooo Newman: Goodbye yellow brick bike path

Helloooo Newman: Goodbye yellow brick bike path: Metrolinx, known for its rigorous construction schedules and tight budgets, put in a quote to build 2 km of bike paths. Cost: $150 million A...

Goodbye yellow brick bike path

Metrolinx, known for its rigorous construction schedules and tight budgets, put in a quote to build 2 km of bike paths. Cost: $150 million

A wise person sat down with them and informed them the bike lanes are not on Pluto, but in the city of Toronto.

Oh. That will be more expensive, said Metrolinx.

Helloooo Newman: Micro cause 'em

Helloooo Newman: Micro cause 'em: Yesterday I threw my coffee across the room as I read that everything we eat and drink has micro-plastics in it. Is that a micro-aggression?...

Micro cause 'em

Yesterday I threw my coffee across the room as I read that everything we eat and drink has micro-plastics in it.

Is that a micro-aggression? I mean, technically speaking.

Helloooo Newman: Colossal egg hunt

Helloooo Newman: Colossal egg hunt: Must have been brutal for kids on Easter Island during Easter. Trying to find colossal stone eggs buried in the ground. Then digging them up...

Colossal egg hunt

Must have been brutal for kids on Easter Island during Easter.

Trying to find colossal stone eggs buried in the ground. Then digging them up and putting them in a basket. Then getting to the chocolate inside.

Sounds like a lot of work.

Helloooo Newman: By a nose

Helloooo Newman: By a nose:  Trump, if he looked the other way.

By a nose

 Trump, if he looked the other way.