Helloooo Newman: Best before wine

Helloooo Newman: Best before wine: I noticed an article with the headline, How long does wine last after you open it? In our house, oh, about 10 minutes.

Best before wine

I noticed an article with the headline, How long does wine last after you open it?

In our house, oh, about 10 minutes.

Helloooo Newman: Want a Tesla

Helloooo Newman: Want a Tesla: One of my clients offered to sell me their Tesla. I said I'd give my left Teslacle for a Tesla. Unfortunately, I can't give them any...

Want a Tesla

One of my clients offered to sell me their Tesla. I said I'd give my left Teslacle for a Tesla. Unfortunately, I can't give them any money.

Helloooo Newman: Govern-mentally ill

Helloooo Newman: Govern-mentally ill: The government is going on strike. Feel free to enjoy productive and happy lives now.

Govern-mentally ill

The government is going on strike. Feel free to enjoy productive and happy lives now.

Helloooo Newman: Whole truth

Helloooo Newman: Whole truth: Have you tried the new Whole Foods product? Fresh - never frozen - ICE

Whole truth

Have you tried the new Whole Foods product?

Fresh - never frozen - ICE

Helloooo Newman: Chocolate Jesus

Helloooo Newman: Chocolate Jesus: Looking forward to hunting for that chocolate baby Jesus this weekend.  I like the one with white icing for diapers. Stay away from the choc...

Chocolate Jesus

Looking forward to hunting for that chocolate baby Jesus this weekend. 

I like the one with white icing for diapers. Stay away from the chocolate icing. Actually I prefer the naked baby Jesus. But circumcised. Looks way better.

I wonder if my wife will hide it in the man cave again this year. Getting kind of tired of that. It's getting easier and easier to find it. Can you help me move the boulder, honey?

Found 2 nails in the one last year. That was weird.

How can we even tell if this is what baby Jesus actually looked like? Would they really risk taking a mould of his face, given the weight if his responsibilities and the fact that most babies died 30 seconds after they were born back then. They grabbed a stand-in baby for sure. Looks a bit colicky too.

The drag about eating an entire chocolate baby Jesus in one sitting is that it's resurrected 3 days later in the form of explosive diarrhea.

I guess that's kind of a statement on the condition of our world. Until he comes back, anyway.

Helloooo Newman: Every dog has his day in court

Helloooo Newman: Every dog has his day in court:   He's next

Every dog has his day in court

 

He's next

Helloooo Newman: Bad weather

Helloooo Newman: Bad weather: It's arraigny day for Trump today

Bad weather

It's arraigny day for Trump today

Helloooo Newman: First time in US history

Helloooo Newman: First time in US history: Wow. Huge news out of the US. A first time event in American history. Some think it will shake the foundations of society. I didn't thin...

First time in US history

Wow. Huge news out of the US. A first time event in American history. Some think it will shake the foundations of society. I didn't think it would ever happen.

Still, when I look back, it was obvious Gwyneth Paltrow would win her case. Why would a rich celebrity lie to get $1 in damages.

Helloooo Newman: You've got to TTC it to believe it

Helloooo Newman: You've got to TTC it to believe it: I was riding the subway yesterday and I heard this one guy say to another, "Hey man, you gotta get out of your comfort zone." I th...

You've got to TTC it to believe it

I was riding the subway yesterday and I heard this one guy say to another, "Hey man, you gotta get out of your comfort zone."

I thought: we're on the TTC, we're already out of our comfort zone.

Helloooo Newman: Protect people, not potholes

Helloooo Newman: Protect people, not potholes: I was driving along Yonge at Davisville minding my own business. And there it was… Workmen digging another fucking hole in the road. No prob...

Protect people, not potholes

I was driving along Yonge at Davisville minding my own business. And there it was…

Workmen digging another fucking hole in the road. No problem. There are currently 2 billion holes in Toronto roads, waiting to be unholed. It's an unholey task.

The huge problem, in my eyes, was the cop standing beside the hole, on his phone surfing handcuff porn and looking rather bored, as if protecting people from a pothole might be a useless endeavour. At $65/hour.

The hole was carefully marked off by pylons and tape and it seemed, to the untrained eye, that people were quite used to dealing with the sudden appearance of a hole and managed themselves very well in the presence of such perceived danger. No one fell in the hole and the hole itself seemed quite okay with people walking by. It didn't, for example, lunge at anyone with a knife.

And this was right beside the subway, where people are stabbed almost on a weekly basis. And pushed on tracks and assaulted. And die.

What's the death count on the TTC in the last year? Higher than the death count from potholes, I believe.

And yet we can't seem to afford to keep cops on the TTC. The money is going down a hole, so to speak.

So maybe someone can ask one of the mayoral candidates whether they support money for cops and potholes or cops and people's lives.

Protect people, not potholes.

Note: get your t-shirt saying "Protect people, not potholes" for 1 million dollars.

Helloooo Newman: Depreciate

Helloooo Newman: Depreciate: Two. Four. Six. Eight. What do we depreciate? My house.

Depreciate

Two. Four. Six. Eight. What do we depreciate?

My house.

Helloooo Newman: Thinking out loud

Helloooo Newman: Thinking out loud: Isn't thinking out loud called speaking? Unless you don't think when you speak.

Thinking out loud

Isn't thinking out loud called speaking? Unless you don't think when you speak.

Helloooo Newman: Slap in the face

Helloooo Newman: Slap in the face: Wow, Chris Rock is only now addressing the slap in the face. Why so long? What a slap in the face that is.

Slap in the face

Wow, Chris Rock is only now addressing the slap in the face. Why so long? What a slap in the face that is.

Helloooo Newman: Bundle of joy wars

Helloooo Newman: Bundle of joy wars: If I was pregnant, I'd say to my doctor, "may the forceps be with you".

Bundle of joy wars

If I was pregnant, I'd say to my doctor, "may the forceps be with you".

Helloooo Newman: You can call me Al

Helloooo Newman: You can call me Al: I ran into an old friend yesterday. From grade school. Couldn't remember his name for the life of me. It's Al. Concerned about my me...

You can call me Al

I ran into an old friend yesterday. From grade school. Couldn't remember his name for the life of me.

It's Al.

Concerned about my memory, I ran to the doctor. Doc, is my memory going?

What's your friend's name?

Al

Ohhhh, you have Alzheimer's. 

He told me I'd have no trouble remembering other names…phew

There are so many stop signs in my neighbourhood, I put a sticker on my car saying "this vehicle makes frequent stops".

Saw a Chinese bouncy castle in the sky today. On hold with NORAD.

How's your day going?

Helloooo Newman: Snow Job

Helloooo Newman: Snow Job: I've traded in my snow tires for climate change tires. It's a new brand - earth-is-on-firestone tires . They make climate change and...

Snow Job

I've traded in my snow tires for climate change tires.

It's a new brand - earth-is-on-firestone tires.

They make climate change and the wholesale destruction of the environment lots of fun. And safer.

Helloooo Newman: The Tory Story

Helloooo Newman: The Tory Story: I thought the same thing when I heard the Tory story. This man can still get an erection? John Tory is very sorry.

The Tory Story

I thought the same thing when I heard the Tory story.

This man can still get an erection?

John Tory is very sorry.

Helloooo Newman: Beer Diary

Helloooo Newman: Beer Diary: Beer Diary: I've decided I can live with two drinks a week.

Beer Diary

Beer Diary: I've decided I can live with two drinks a week.

Helloooo Newman: 2 a week

Helloooo Newman: 2 a week: Think I ran into someone last night who actually follows the Canadian Drinking Guidelines. Two drinks a week. Not sure, though. I was hammer...

Helloooo Newman: Happy birthday, kid

Helloooo Newman: Happy birthday, kid: Chinese bouncy castle loose in the sky and we all lose it. Are we just looking for stuff to get upset about?

Happy birthday, kid

Chinese bouncy castle loose in the sky and we all lose it.

Are we just looking for stuff to get upset about?

Helloooo Newman: Stormy weather

Helloooo Newman: Stormy weather: Wow, this storm is going to be historical. Like nothing humanity has ever seen, since the last historical storm. It's going to be so bad...

Stormy weather

Wow, this storm is going to be historical. Like nothing humanity has ever seen, since the last historical storm.

It's going to be so bad, when it actually starts, that I'm pre-shovelling around my house. Just to stay ahead of it.

Helloooo Newman: Waiting for Gadot

Helloooo Newman: Waiting for Gadot: I'm writing a play. It's called Waiting for Gal Gadot . It's based on Waiting for Godot , obviously. By the way, Beckett spelled...

Waiting for Gadot

I'm writing a play.

It's called Waiting for Gal Gadot.

It's based on Waiting for Godot, obviously. By the way, Beckett spelled Gadot incorrectly.

Two guys in their mom's basement in Thunder Bay wait for Gal Gadot to show up.

They wait and wait and wait. Talk. Drink beer. Wait. Listen to Nickelback. 

Buddies come over. They chat. Drink beer. Sing karaoke Nickelback.

Other stuff happens I can't mention here.

All the while expecting Gadot to show up. I won't tell you if she does.

Look for it on Off Off-colour Broadway.

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom Teeth

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom Teeth: When life gets tough, I always turn to tried and true wisdoms to get me through. Something I can really sink my teeth into. A favourite is: ...

Wisdom Teeth

When life gets tough, I always turn to tried and true wisdoms to get me through. Something I can really sink my teeth into.

A favourite is: even a broken clock is right twice a day

You can use it if you want. Not like I own it.

So powerful.

Helloooo Newman: Missed Opportunities

Helloooo Newman: Missed Opportunities: I watched the entire Netflix special about Meghan and Harry. Then I realized there was some perfectly good paint in my bathroom walls that I...

Missed Opportunities

I watched the entire Netflix special about Meghan and Harry.

Then I realized there was some perfectly good paint in my bathroom walls that I could've watched dry.

It's the missed opportunities in life that really hurt.

Reliving History

 Happy birthday, Mr. President

Helloooo Newman: Fusion reaction

Helloooo Newman: Fusion reaction: Isn't it weird scientists are only discovering fusion now? What took so long? Jazz found fusion years ago.

Fusion reaction

Isn't it weird scientists are only discovering fusion now? What took so long?

Jazz found fusion years ago.