Helloooo Newman: Nero the hero

Helloooo Newman: Nero the hero:   This is Nero. Nero is a Canaan. A very hard breed to find in North America. Canaans were first bred in Israel as bomb-sniffing dogs. So wh...

Nero the hero

 

This is Nero. Nero is a Canaan. A very hard breed to find in North America.

Canaans were first bred in Israel as bomb-sniffing dogs. So when I walk Nero, I don't say the usual dog things to him, like "let's go poopies", "pee-pee", "who's a good boy?". None of that nonsense for this serious guy. "I find bombs, you know" he once said to me.

Instead, I say "where's the bomb?", "find the bomb Nero", "check under the car?".

He keeps trying and trying, and the problem is we never actually find a bomb, of course. So he gets discouraged. "There's gotta be a bomb around here somewhere". He doesn't know we're not in the Middle East, even though it's minus 10 out.

One time I fashioned a homemade bomb and hid it under a car so he could find it. He was so proud of himself upon making the discovery. Wouldn't shut up about it. Unfortunately I pulled a wrong wire and the bomb went off, but there wasn't much damage.

I've been walking him for a year and still every time I get to his house he barks and howls at me like a demon dog. Like it's the first time he's met me.

He must think I'm the bomb.

Helloooo Newman: Filling the Gap

Helloooo Newman: Filling the Gap: Did you hear The Gap clothing store is moving into dentistry? Look for GAP TEETH near you.

Filling the Gap

Did you hear The Gap clothing store is moving into dentistry?

Look for GAP TEETH near you.

Helloooo Newman: Xmas Gifts

Helloooo Newman: Xmas Gifts: Getting everyone those pre-sealed envelopes. Save a lot of time, and your tongue.

Xmas Gifts

Getting everyone those pre-sealed envelopes. Save a lot of time, and your tongue.

Helloooo Newman: Tuesday night close to midnight

Helloooo Newman: Tuesday night close to midnight: I watched that new show Wednesday . The girl playing Wednesday did a pretty good job, but not quite there. Very close, though. She definitel...

Tuesday night close to midnight

I watched that new show Wednesday.

The girl playing Wednesday did a pretty good job, but not quite there.

Very close, though. She definitely made it to Tuesday. I thought around noon but on further analysis, I think she's close to midnight on Tuesday. A few minutes before. 

Just shy of early Wednesday morning. Too bad.

Still, you gotta hand it to her.

Helloooo Newman: I overthink, therefore I am

Helloooo Newman: I overthink, therefore I am: Sometimes I think I overthink things But suddenly I'm not so sure It could be this, it could be that Figuring it out has such allure Is ...

I overthink, therefore I am

Sometimes I think I overthink things

But suddenly I'm not so sure

It could be this, it could be that

Figuring it out has such allure

Is it my brain or is it me?

That's doing all the figuring

To be or not to be?

God I hated Shakespeare in high school

Somewhere in there are answers

Picking the right one is hard

Hey, where did the rhyme go?

I overthink, therefore I am…not much of a bard

Helloooo Newman: It's Spreading

Helloooo Newman: It's Spreading: Do you live near the Eglinton LRT project? Has your bum been sore of late? Doctors have attributed this to the continual ass-raping we get f...

It's Spreading

Do you live near the Eglinton LRT project? Has your bum been sore of late?

Doctors have attributed this to the continual ass-raping we get from Metrolinx.

So far no creams are effective.

One rogue doctor has suggested a remedy of firing the Metrolinx bastards, taking their perks and benefits away and starting over with someone else.

My bum felt better just hearing that.

Helloooo Newman: Is it terminal, doctor?

Helloooo Newman: Is it terminal, doctor?: I found two Taylor Swift songs that I really like. Tomorrow I'm checking into a hospital.

Is it terminal, doctor?

I found two Taylor Swift songs that I really like.

Tomorrow I'm checking into a hospital.

Helloooo Newman: Monster Model

Helloooo Newman: Monster Model: Did you ever see that movie Monster with Charlize Theron? She plays a serial killer. I had trouble buying it. I kept thinking instead of li...

Monster Model

Did you ever see that movie Monster with Charlize Theron?

She plays a serial killer.

I had trouble buying it. I kept thinking instead of living a dismal life killing men, why didn't she just take off all that bad makeup and become a model.

Helloooo Newman: Why did he do it?

Helloooo Newman: Why did he do it?: This very moment, experts are scratching their heads trying to figure out why a piece-of-shit scumbag shot up an LGBTQ club. What was his mo...

Why did he do it?

This very moment, experts are scratching their heads trying to figure out why a piece-of-shit scumbag shot up an LGBTQ club. What was his motivation? He must have had some reason.

Meanwhile, we find out his dad is a porn star, appearing in greats like I Wanna Get Titty Fucked. Don't bother seeing it. All the penis and tits shots use a green screen. And you can tell.

The dad was quoted as saying he was just happy his son wasn't gay, and "we don't do gay."

But still, what could have been the shooter's motivation? Where did it come from?

I'm stumped.

Some day, people smarter than me will figure it out.

Helloooo Newman: Not Swiftly Enough

Helloooo Newman: Not Swiftly Enough: Damn. Didn't have a chance to run to the bank to mortgage my house so I could see Taylor Swift sing live about her ex-boyfriends.  I sur...

Not Swiftly Enough

Damn. Didn't have a chance to run to the bank to mortgage my house so I could see Taylor Swift sing live about her ex-boyfriends. 

I sure hope she shows a profit on this tour. I worry about that girl's money sense.

Helloooo Newman: Call Me Paul

Helloooo Newman: Call Me Paul: I wonder what happens when a sperm whale and a humpback whale have sex.

Call Me Paul

I wonder what happens when a sperm whale and a humpback whale have sex.

Helloooo Newman: Use your assholes

Helloooo Newman: Use your assholes: Here's an idea. If the Democrats lose next week, how about they claim fake election, complain, issue court challenges, deny and throw ar...

Use your assholes

Here's an idea. If the Democrats lose next week, how about they claim fake election, complain, issue court challenges, deny and throw around death threats. Act like assholes. Just like the Republicans do.

We all have assholes.

Come on, Democrats. It's time to start using your assholes.

Helloooo Newman: Graham is crackers

Helloooo Newman: Graham is crackers: As a last resort, since SCOTUS turned him down, Lindsey Graham will appeal to the all-powerful Ye to prevent him from testifying. "Don&...

Graham is crackers

As a last resort, since SCOTUS turned him down, Lindsey Graham will appeal to the all-powerful Ye to prevent him from testifying. "Don't wear Adidas at the ruling" was Ye's first tip.

Yippee ki-Ye, motherfuckers will be his legal approach.

Helloooo Newman: Mondegreenisms: The New Pandemic

Helloooo Newman: Mondegreenisms: The New Pandemic: We all suffer from it. We carry mondegreenisms around with us all day. Clanking around in our brains. Over and over. You suffer from a monde...

Mondegreenisms: The New Pandemic

We all suffer from it. We carry mondegreenisms around with us all day. Clanking around in our brains. Over and over.

You suffer from a mondegreen when you misunderstand words from a song and hear them as other words. Real words, but the wrong words.

Some suffer a more terrible strain than others. Like me. Take the song De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da from the Police.

Love the title. Succinct. Descriptive. Says it all. There is a particular line in this song that I have long heard as, "one named Alice Quence rapes me".

Guess what. Those aren't the right lyrics. They are, "and when their eloquence escapes me".

Turns out Alice Quence is not a real person.

Anyway. That's all I have to say to you.

Helloooo Newman: New Diet

Helloooo Newman: New Diet: 42% of Americans are considered obese. And 30% of people are eating less to save money due to inflation. I'm not sure I see the problem.

New Diet

42% of Americans are considered obese. And 30% of people are eating less to save money due to inflation. I'm not sure I see the problem.

Helloooo Newman: Ghost Whisperers

Helloooo Newman: Ghost Whisperers: I'm tired of people ghosting me. And today, of all days.

Ghost Whisperers

I'm tired of people ghosting me. And today, of all days.

Helloooo Newman: Movie Madness

Helloooo Newman: Movie Madness: When are we getting paid, honey? James Cameron has been working on Avatar 2 for about 1500 years now. And it's almost done. He recently ...

Movie Madness

When are we getting paid, honey?

James Cameron has been working on Avatar 2 for about 1500 years now. And it's almost done. He recently bragged at how this is the most complicated thing he's ever done.

It's called Avatar: The Way of Water. And with global warming and the rising oceans, it will have way more water than anticipated. When you see it in the theatre, you will be knee deep in swampy, salty water. It will be that real.

It's so real and complicated, even God is jealous.

Quoting God: Gee, if I knew a project could be so amazingly real, I would have spent longer than 6 days on the universe. I definitely would have spent more money on stuff so, like, perfectly good stars don't just blow up. I sure didn't expect that 98% of all species would die off before the wonderfully amazing homo sapien showed up. I see and know everything, and yet hindsight is still 20/20. Hats off to Cameron.

Helloooo Newman: Health Nut

Helloooo Newman: Health Nut: Convincing my daughter to eat a banana, orange or apple is, how would you say? Fruitile

Health Nut

Convincing my daughter to eat a banana, orange or apple is, how would you say?

Fruitile

Helloooo Newman: My CIty

Helloooo Newman: My CIty: I guess I'll start calling my city Toryonto. Or Toryontoe Maybe Toryanna

My CIty

I guess I'll start calling my city Toryonto.

Or Toryontoe

Maybe Toryanna

Helloooo Newman: More Than a £ of Flesh

Helloooo Newman: More Than a £ of Flesh: Hey kids, did you know that Liz Truss, British PM for 44 days, gets a yearly £150,000 pension. And if you dress up as a British PM for Hallo...

More Than a £ of Flesh

Hey kids, did you know that Liz Truss, British PM for 44 days, gets a yearly £150,000 pension. And if you dress up as a British PM for Halloween, you receive a yearly £50,000 pension and a lifetime supply of urine crime scene candy tubes.

Helloooo Newman: Coco Confused

Helloooo Newman: Coco Confused: This is Coco. A very smart girl. Or so I thought. Yes, she knows a lot of commands and has a good grasp of manners around humans. However, y...

Coco Confused

This is Coco. A very smart girl. Or so I thought.

Yes, she knows a lot of commands and has a good grasp of manners around humans.

However, yesterday I asked her a pretty clear question to test her abilities.

I asked: Do you think the universe is really an Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen condensate where space is a 10-dimensional manifold in De Sitter space and time is an expression of the low entropy Big Bang?

Look how confused she is.

Silly girl.

Mensa my ass.

Helloooo Newman: Underwear

Helloooo Newman: Underwear: Damn, need some new underwear. Might have to change it less often. Thank God Christmas is on the way. Speaking of underwear, Britain is chan...

Underwear

Damn, need some new underwear. Might have to change it less often. Thank God Christmas is on the way.

Speaking of underwear, Britain is changing their PM again.

Helloooo Newman: Medical Emergency

Helloooo Newman: Medical Emergency: I got in an argument with my doctor. I told her I have to pee three or four times every night. Out of bed, pee, back to bed. She thinks it m...

Medical Emergency

I got in an argument with my doctor.

I told her I have to pee three or four times every night. Out of bed, pee, back to bed.

She thinks it might be my prostate.

I said no way. I think it's the 3-4 beers I drink before going to sleep.

She doesn't believe me.

What a jerk.

Helloooo Newman: Good Ol' Days

Helloooo Newman: Good Ol' Days: Remember the days when hookers offered curb side pickup?

Good Ol' Days

Remember the days when hookers offered curb side pickup?

Helloooo Newman: Lisztening

Helloooo Newman: Lisztening: Have you ever enjoyed Franz Liszt's music? It's great, but you really have to liszten carefully.

Lisztening

Have you ever enjoyed Franz Liszt's music? It's great, but you really have to liszten carefully.