Trump Dump

Amis Take, roving reporter here.

I caught up with Donald Trump on the campaign trail. He was feeding his hair while they gassed up his helicopter.

I asked him about some of the polling numbers. He leads in the polls to be Republican leader, but a majority of these same people also think the Republicans won't win if he is leader.

This is becoming known as the Trump Dump phenomenon. Set him up as the Trump card, then dump the card.

I asked him about this curious contradiction. "Don, how can people prefer you as the party leader and yet feel that you can't win the election?"

Trump, as usual, was very direct. "Son, if you ever call me Don again, I'll rip the hair off your nut sack, braid it together and hang you from one of my tall buildings. Then I'll deport you."

"Will I still be alive? Also, I'm American."

"Only if I say so, buddy."

Obviously a touchy subject. I apologized.

Mr. Trump got hungry and the only place around was a local Taco Bell.

"Unfortunately I am going to have to deport the owner of this particular Taco Bell along with his 12 diarrhea-laden kids, all born and raised in the kitchen of this restaurant. But that can wait until after lunch. I can't make America great again on an empty stomach."

We took a short helicopter ride to a nearby Red Cross shelter. Mr. Trump was giving blood for a good cause. Rich, white, American blood. There's a shortage of that, he said.

I asked, "Mr. Trump, where will you give blood from?"

"My right arm, I'm Republican."

Actually, I meant will he give it from his nose, or eyes, or maybe his vagina? He wasn't sure where women gave blood from when visiting the Red Cross.

He kept saying "I want to help women" so often I thought he might grow a vagina right then and there.

I wondered if he ever say the Vagina Monologues, seeing as he wants to help women so much. Nope. Being a white, upper class, pudgy male, I figured soon he'll go see the Angina Monologues.

"I want to help women. You know, with the bleeding thing. What's up with that anyway? If there's a way I can help them with that, I will."

Mr. Trump put on his batman costume and flew away in his helicopter.

America will be great again.