Me and Mr. Trump

I'm admiring Mr. Trump more and more these days. Sure, he has some rad ideas. Rounding up 20 million people is no small feat. I once tried to organize a party of six people in my tiny bachelor apartment and it was a nightmare. Some "illegal" partiers showed up via the balcony and things got so crowded it was very hard to find them and departy them. We built a wall with beer empties, but it just wasn't high enough. Then we realized these interlopers were serving us drinks, so maybe they're not that bad after all. They contributed nicely to the small bachelor economy I had set up.

It wouldn't seem like it to the casual observer, but Mr. Trump and I have so much in common. Consider the following quote, an everyday musing from the man himself:

One of the reasons I tell people about my level of intelligence — like, for instance, I had an uncle, Dr. John Trump, who was at MIT, like totally brilliant, became a professor at MIT — …

I relish his honesty. I have trouble admitting the very same thing to my friends. Granted, they would have trouble believing it too.

Notice Mr. Trump's clever strategy. He's an intelligence "borrower." As an example of his mental prowess, he borrows the abilities and accomplishments of someone else.

Clearly, though, he's not borrowing from just anyone. He's implying a genetic link. He's borrowing his uncle's genes and fitting them nice and snug around his own I.Q. He also shares 98% of his genes with chimpanzees, and is a distant cousin with Hillary Clinton. One chimpanzee Mr. Trump is very closely related to did quite well on Object Recognition tests in MIT labs, and even learned how to inflate a bouncy castle. Yes, the same MIT his uncle frequented.

Like Mr. Trump, I, too, am related to a brilliant and successful person. My first cousin headed up the Canada Pension Plan, is on the Board of 10,000 international companies, is a math genius, and is a multi-qualti millionaire. See how smart I am?

The problem with gene-sharing among smart people is that the proper genes in an individual have to be switched on by some complicated chemical process. Scientists don't fully understand why certain genes switch on or off in a given person, and also think some people may have a dimmer switch attached to their genes, so they don't get the full effect of brilliance. These people tend to be very romantic dinner hosts.

So I do have brilliant genes in me, but it's hard to find them. I've been searching through my huge gene pool, and the chlorine is starting to bug my eyes.

Look more closely at the quote. Note the use of a key word that all intellectuals use – "like". Mr. Trump is so, like, brilliant. Totally. I believe it was Einstein who said, "God does not, like, play dice with the universe, dang ya'll."

It takes only one word to plug Mr. Trump into the Miley Cyrus set. I have no idea who or what Miley Cyrus is related to.

Now, time to replace some of those dimmer switches.