Helloooo Newman: Czar Search

Helloooo Newman: Czar Search: Finally Finally! The search ends. Toronto has found a congestion czar.  No, not for your sinuses. The traffic! What's been holding you b...

Czar Search

Finally

Finally!

The search ends.

Toronto has found a congestion czar. 

No, not for your sinuses.

The traffic!

What's been holding you back from driving to get food?

The absence of a congestion czar.

With his magic wand and fairy dust, he will fit more and more cars into the same old roads. Actually, even less road, if you subtract the potholes.

Unfortunately he's stuck on the Gardiner and will not start for another 6 months.

Helloooo Newman: Your deadness

Helloooo Newman: Your deadness: Poor Pope. He's in for a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig disappointment.

Your deadness

Poor Pope.

He's in for a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig disappointment.

Helloooo Newman: Food Court

Helloooo Newman: Food Court: Got in a food fight and got arrested. Had to go to a food court. Full of sleazy people. Lost. Food in jail sucks. Overcooked jail bird.

Food Court

Got in a food fight and got arrested.

Had to go to a food court. Full of sleazy people.

Lost.

Food in jail sucks. Overcooked jail bird.

Helloooo Newman: Who nose?

Helloooo Newman: Who nose?: It's strange, and more than a little ironic, that I'll never know what my nose smells like. Only the things around it. Why? Who nose...

Who nose?

It's strange, and more than a little ironic, that I'll never know what my nose smells like.

Only the things around it.

Why?

Who nose?

Helloooo Newman: What's the hubbub?

Helloooo Newman: What's the hubbub?: Today I saw a turquoise-coloured car with matching coloured hubs. No! It's the vehicular equivalent of wearing a white t-shirt with the ...

What's the hubbub?

Today I saw a turquoise-coloured car with matching coloured hubs.

No!

It's the vehicular equivalent of wearing a white t-shirt with the pocket matching your blue pants.

Stop it!

Looney Tunes

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Helloooo Newman: Food warning

Helloooo Newman: Food warning: Who's the Einstein that came up with the name rapeseed? It needs to be changed! Rape should never appear anywhere close to seed, rape sh...

Food warning

Who's the Einstein that came up with the name rapeseed?

It needs to be changed!

Rape should never appear anywhere close to seed, rape should never be a name of anything and no food should be called rapewhatever.

It's too bad. It's one of the healthiest oils you can eat.

But you're on a first date and you ask for rapeseed on your salad?

No!

Helloooo Newman: Casket case

Helloooo Newman: Casket case: I've been to a few funerals in my time. I've always enjoyed them more than, say, weddings. You don't have to hang around and eat...

Casket case

I've been to a few funerals in my time. I've always enjoyed them more than, say, weddings. You don't have to hang around and eat a crappy meal, talk to someone you don't know and dance to Neil Diamond.

Oh, and no gifts. No expensive chinaware needed.

One thing I've never understood about funerals is the open casket.

I don't get it.

You tell the dead guy to rest in peace and then you have a 100 strangers he doesn't remember staring at him and gossiping right there while he can't defend himself. It's mean.

Leave him alone. It's hard enough being dead and he can't even join the party.

Anytime I've seen an open casket, I always think, dude, ya you look good with 9 layers of makeup on and pumped full of chemicals. But let's face it. You've looked better. Let's close the lid now.

And all the makeup can't be good for the skin. And forget about the stiff suit every dead guy is forced to wear. He's literally a stuffed suit. Why can't someone wear Bermuda shorts and a sweater vest? I they want to.

Why have a lid if you're not going to use it? Wouldn't the coffin be cheaper if you skipped the lid? It's like having a bbq and buying the cover. Do you know how much those covers cost? Who needs it? Save some money.

When you think about it, though, why do coffins have lids at all? So you won't get dirt on the corpse? Oh no, there's a nasty stain on his suit! Meanwhile 10 million worms are munching away.

Finally, when you see the price of caskets, you'll be a casket case.

Go the cool way.

Go cremation.

Helloooo Newman: Window undressing

Helloooo Newman: Window undressing: You ever been porn surfing, you go to make a sandwich, accidentally leave the window up on your screen and your spouse walks by and sees it?...

Window undressing

You ever been porn surfing, you go to make a sandwich, accidentally leave the window up on your screen and your spouse walks by and sees it?

Nah, me neither!

Helloooo Newman: OCD

Helloooo Newman: OCD: Feng shui is just a fancy excuse for having OCD. Normal people put that La-z-boy chair wherever the hell they want.

OCD

Feng shui is just a fancy excuse for having OCD.

Normal people put that La-z-boy chair wherever the hell they want.

Like facing the TV and the beer fridge.

Helloooo Newman: Baby bonus

Helloooo Newman: Baby bonus: Trump is promising $1000 for every new baby. I just don't think Elon deserves $1000.

Baby bonus

Trump is promising $1000 for every new baby.

I just don't think Elon deserves $1000.