Helloooo Newman: April 2025

Tuesday, 8 April 2025

Helloooo Newman: Casket case

Helloooo Newman: Casket case: I've been to a few funerals in my time. I've always enjoyed them more than, say, weddings. You don't have to hang around and eat...

I've been to a few funerals in my time. I've always enjoyed them more than, say, weddings. You don't have to hang around and eat a crappy meal, talk to someone you don't know and dance to Neil Diamond.

Oh, and no gifts. No expensive chinaware needed.

One thing I've never understood about funerals is the open casket.

I don't get it.

You tell the dead guy to rest in peace and then you have a 100 strangers he doesn't remember staring at him and gossiping right there while he can't defend himself. It's mean.

Leave him alone. It's hard enough being dead and he can't even join the party.

Anytime I've seen an open casket, I always think, dude, ya you look good with 9 layers of makeup on and pumped full of chemicals. But let's face it. You've looked better. Let's close the lid now.

And all the makeup can't be good for the skin. And forget about the stiff suit every dead guy is forced to wear. He's literally a stuffed suit. Why can't someone wear Bermuda shorts and a sweater vest? I they want to.

Why have a lid if you're not going to use it? Wouldn't the coffin be cheaper if you skipped the lid? It's like having a bbq and buying the cover. Do you know how much those covers cost? Who needs it? Save some money.

When you think about it, though, why do coffins have lids at all? So you won't get dirt on the corpse? Oh no, there's a nasty stain on his suit! Meanwhile 10 million worms are munching away.

Finally, when you see the price of caskets, you'll be a casket case.

Go the cool way.

Go cremation.

Sunday, 6 April 2025

Helloooo Newman: Window undressing

Helloooo Newman: Window undressing: You ever been porn surfing, you go to make a sandwich, accidentally leave the window up on your screen and your spouse walks by and sees it?...