Helloooo Newman: My new band

Helloooo Newman: My new band: If you find the time, come watch my new band. It's called OCDC. We spend 2 hours positioning the equipment just perfectly on the stage a...

My new band

If you find the time, come watch my new band.

It's called OCDC.

We spend 2 hours positioning the equipment just perfectly on the stage and then the show is over.

Good family entertainment. No bad language. No politics.

Beer's $30 a cup, though.

Spill it and you're dead.

Also wash your hands before you come.

Helloooo Newman: Frogs at work

Helloooo Newman: Frogs at work: I wonder if frogs ever tell each other to "hop to it" when they really need something done or would it confuse them because they h...

Frogs at work

I wonder if frogs ever tell each other to "hop to it" when they really need something done or would it confuse them because they hop to everything.

Helloooo Newman: The duplicative times we live in

Helloooo Newman: The duplicative times we live in: Aren't you impressed with our new unelected leader? Mark Carney. Yesterday he blew me away with his intellectual skill and prowess as a ...

The duplicative times we live in

Aren't you impressed with our new unelected leader?

Mark Carney.

Yesterday he blew me away with his intellectual skill and prowess as a leader. He used the word "duplicative" in a sentence. That's banker talk.

I had to look it up…and it's a cool word. I had my wife look it up too which, once I knew the meaning, I realized was duplicative of me.

It means to duplicate things, like spending and resources. Apparently it's important now to get rid of government duplicating things. It's a waste of resources. Unless you're at Staples and you need duplicates of your marriage licence or your immigration status. That's allowed. And duplicating people. We need a higher birth rate.

I guess it hasn't occurred to him that the CBC, which the government pays 1.2 billion for every year, might be a duplication of all the other tv channels we have. But getting rid of the CBC and Tim Hortons would be a lobotomization of the Canadian spirit.

But we do need to duplicate more family doctors and nurses. Hey, I know where you can get your hands on 1.2 billion.

I thought it was duplicitous times we lived in but I guess it's really duplicative. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. 

Meanwhile, there's poor Pollyeve. Pollyviril? Pollyvirus? With his arch nemesis gone, he thought he was running against Art Carney and has been watching The Honeymooners non-stop with Doug the Slug to get dirt on his opponent. Now that the carbon tax is gone, I guess we'll be carbon dating PPs usefulness.

And the NDP?

Who?

Happy voting.

Helloooo Newman: Pop quiz

Helloooo Newman: Pop quiz: Good girl, Coco. Now for a treat, what's Pi to the fourth digit? Whipped cream? I love pie! I can't count. Tell me!

Pop quiz

Good girl, Coco. Now for a treat, what's Pi to the fourth digit?

Whipped cream?

I love pie!

I can't count. Tell me!

Helloooo Newman: Wrong Planet

Helloooo Newman: Wrong Planet: The rescued astronauts shocked everyone today by expressing outrage at coming home. Did we say earth? Did we? Did we say we wanted to come b...

Wrong Planet

The rescued astronauts shocked everyone today by expressing outrage at coming home.

Did we say earth? Did we? Did we say we wanted to come back here?

They were hoping for a nice sane planet in the constellation Caelum, even though it takes 2 billion years to get there and house prices are even worse.

Helloooo Newman: Hockey name in Canada

Helloooo Newman: Hockey name in Canada: In order to get everyone on board with the fight against climate change, the Edmonton Oilers will now be called the Edmonton Car Batteries. ...

Hockey name in Canada

In order to get everyone on board with the fight against climate change, the Edmonton Oilers will now be called the Edmonton Car Batteries.

Don't forget.

Helloooo Newman: Mad Max: Battery Done Died

Helloooo Newman: Mad Max: Battery Done Died: Normally I can't stand movie sequels.  Save for a few –  The Godfather   2 obviously, some of the Alien movies. But generally, if I wer...

Mad Max: Battery Done Died

Normally I can't stand movie sequels. 

Save for a few – The Godfather 2 obviously, some of the Alien movies.

But generally, if I were a movie maker I'd stay far away from sequels, especially when they're based on an already great movie.

The only exception I'll make is when a great idea for a script comes along, like the one I've written.

It's called Mad Max: Battery Done Died.

Get this.

Takes place in the future, after an apocalypse, like Trump's second term in office. Or maybe his third.

It's all evil gangs and electric cars.

The electric cars are trying to chase each other down and terrorize each other and it's complete mayhem.

But no one can find a charging station out in the middle of nowhere. So the cars and evil gangs sit around waiting. Until society changes from its addiction to oil and there's more charging stations.

I'm optioning it to several studios as I write. Haven't heard back yet. Weird!

Stay tuned at a movie theatre near you!

Helloooo Newman: The Artful DOGER

Helloooo Newman: The Artful DOGER: Coming to America. Okay, it's already here. The Artful DOGER, starring Elon Musk. He's the leader of Trump's gang. Picks your po...

The Artful DOGER

Coming to America.

Okay, it's already here.

The Artful DOGER, starring Elon Musk.

He's the leader of Trump's gang. Picks your pocket on your way out the door from being fired.

Can sing a tune, too.

Runs for 4 years. Maybe 8!

Helloooo Newman: Let's get pissed

Helloooo Newman: Let's get pissed: It is said that Trump is really Putin's dog. If that's true, and he wants to own Canada, Greenland, the Panama Canal, the Gaza strip...

Let's get pissed

It is said that Trump is really Putin's dog.

If that's true, and he wants to own Canada, Greenland, the Panama Canal, the Gaza strip and perhaps the entire globe, why doesn't he just pee on them?

That's what my dog does to secure ownership. The whole neighbourhood knows he owns it.

And hey, isn't there a theory that some Russian hookers peed on him?

That must be Putin's way of owning him.

For more political commentary, stay tuned.

Helloooo Newman: Substance

Helloooo Newman: Substance: Too bad Demi Moore didn't have the votes to win best actress, but I voted for her for Ontario Premier. She's the only one with Subst...

Substance

Too bad Demi Moore didn't have the votes to win best actress, but I voted for her for Ontario Premier.

She's the only one with Substance.