Helloooo Newman: Educating Jordan

Helloooo Newman: Educating Jordan: Do you like Jordan Peterson? I think he's kind of a dick. He never smiles, rarely laughs, takes himself way too seriously, and I hear he...

Educating Jordan

Do you like Jordan Peterson?

I think he's kind of a dick. He never smiles, rarely laughs, takes himself way too seriously, and I hear he makes a really dry, flavourless meatloaf.

No wonder he put the brakes on his standup career.

I also disagree with a lot of what he says. On the other hand, some of what he espouses makes sense to me. I kind of like that he takes a risk saying things that get him in trouble, even if I disagree.

Of course he says dramatic things to sell books and make money. Who doesn't? I do the same to sell this blog, which is free and makes me no money. I know, you're dying to pay for it, but I refuse!

Anyway, I'm glad he's being forced into a reeducation program so that he thinks proper and all that. 

He'll be so much more interesting.

In fact, this entire world would be so much better if everyone could just think the same way about everything.

I'm pretty sure the CEO of Metrolinx has taken this course. From when he was a baby. Today he said they are making monumental strides on the…um…what are they doing again?

Oh I can't remember. Anyway, it's the right thing to say. Everything is better when the "right" thing is said.

Ahhhhhhhh. That's the relaxing sigh of everyone saying the same thing. Breath in. Think proper. Breath out.

You can do it.

I think I need this course.

Helloooo Newman: Sorry daddy

Helloooo Newman: Sorry daddy: Did you ever rip the legs off a daddy long legs and watch his ball body squirm around? I mean as a kid. Nah, me neither.

Sorry daddy

Did you ever rip the legs off a daddy long legs and watch his ball body squirm around?

I mean as a kid.

Nah, me neither.

Helloooo Newman: Bondable

Helloooo Newman: Bondable: Peter Dinklage as James Bond! Yes?

Bondable

Peter Dinklage as James Bond!

Yes?

Helloooo Newman: Hot and bothered

Helloooo Newman: Hot and bothered: It's too fucking hot. For too fucking long. Come on, planet earth! You've made your point. Now cool it! The other day I didn't g...

Hot and bothered

It's too fucking hot.

For too fucking long.

Come on, planet earth! You've made your point.

Now cool it!

The other day I didn't get a chance to eat and I got really hangry.

It was also really fucking hot, so I got…again, hangry.

We get it. It's a global problem requiring a global solution.

That's why North American is electric "car-ing". Canada is even forcing it by 2035.

Bit of a wee tiny problem, though. 

Our politicians won't let us buy electric cars that we can actually afford. 

Someone on the globe can make really cheap electric cars. To help us with this global problem. We don't like them much, but it's a global problem. And suddenly they're trying to "flood" the world with cheap electric cars. A substitute word for cheap is affordable. In a world which needs electric cars. How dare them.

Nope! Not a global problem anymore. Instead of "flooding" the world with electric cars, we prefer to watch it flood with water.

Imagine doing that with food? Forcing people to eat a certain food and then raising the price? 

It's the 2 guys below that are in charge. Get it? Charge? Can't even afford a car I can charge. Can't charge it on my credit card. I'm not in charge.

Anyway, mother earth. I know you're hangry with us.

Stay tuned.

Helloooo Newman: Air Nada

Helloooo Newman: Air Nada: Canadians celebrate in hopes that Air Canada pilots will go on strike and they won't be forced to fly Canada's national airline. I p...

Air Nada

Canadians celebrate in hopes that Air Canada pilots will go on strike and they won't be forced to fly Canada's national airline.

I predict once they stop flying, they'll be voted the best airline in North America instead of the worst.

Their new motto: Fly the Metrolinx of the skies

Helloooo Newman: Strike Two?

Helloooo Newman: Strike Two?: Metrolinx was going to join the train strike but realized no one would notice they stopped working.

Strike Two?

Metrolinx was going to join the train strike but realized no one would notice they stopped working.

Helloooo Newman: New breed

Helloooo Newman: New breed: In an effort to break up the Google monopoly, it will be mated with a poodle and called Poogle.

New breed

In an effort to break up the Google monopoly, it will be mated with a poodle and called Poogle.

Helloooo Newman: Goodbye yellow brick bike path

Helloooo Newman: Goodbye yellow brick bike path: Metrolinx, known for its rigorous construction schedules and tight budgets, put in a quote to build 2 km of bike paths. Cost: $150 million A...

Goodbye yellow brick bike path

Metrolinx, known for its rigorous construction schedules and tight budgets, put in a quote to build 2 km of bike paths. Cost: $150 million

A wise person sat down with them and informed them the bike lanes are not on Pluto, but in the city of Toronto.

Oh. That will be more expensive, said Metrolinx.

Helloooo Newman: Micro cause 'em

Helloooo Newman: Micro cause 'em: Yesterday I threw my coffee across the room as I read that everything we eat and drink has micro-plastics in it. Is that a micro-aggression?...

Micro cause 'em

Yesterday I threw my coffee across the room as I read that everything we eat and drink has micro-plastics in it.

Is that a micro-aggression? I mean, technically speaking.

Helloooo Newman: Colossal egg hunt

Helloooo Newman: Colossal egg hunt: Must have been brutal for kids on Easter Island during Easter. Trying to find colossal stone eggs buried in the ground. Then digging them up...

Colossal egg hunt

Must have been brutal for kids on Easter Island during Easter.

Trying to find colossal stone eggs buried in the ground. Then digging them up and putting them in a basket. Then getting to the chocolate inside.

Sounds like a lot of work.

Helloooo Newman: By a nose

Helloooo Newman: By a nose:  Trump, if he looked the other way.

By a nose

 Trump, if he looked the other way.

Helloooo Newman: Sniping

Helloooo Newman: Sniping: Did they have to hire the one sniper who came last in his class?  Was the budget not big enough? Remember, practice makes perfect. Is it too...

Sniping

Did they have to hire the one sniper who came last in his class? 

Was the budget not big enough?

Remember, practice makes perfect.

Is it too soon?

Nah!

Helloooo Newman: Lemonade Control Board of Ontario

Helloooo Newman: Lemonade Control Board of Ontario: I'm so glad the LCBO strike is over. And children's lemonade stands won the right to sell liquor. What a step forward. As long as 50...

Lemonade Control Board of Ontario

I'm so glad the LCBO strike is over.

And children's lemonade stands won the right to sell liquor. What a step forward. As long as 5000 lemonade stands stay open, the kids get $50/hr and no one else can sell lemonade.

Congratulations, Ontario.

I'll have a J&B on the rocks.

Jelly Beans on the rocks?

Helloooo Newman: Oxy

Helloooo Newman: Oxy: Well, with it being so hard to find liquor, I roamed the streets looking for a hit. Bought some Oxy from a guy in a parking garage downtown....

Oxy

Well, with it being so hard to find liquor, I roamed the streets looking for a hit.

Bought some Oxy from a guy in a parking garage downtown.

Turns out he ripped me off.

It wasn't OxyContin.

It was OxyMoron.

I've never felt more conflicted in my life. 

Guess I'm the moron.

Helloooo Newman: The science of liquor

Helloooo Newman: The science of liquor: Hey, how about the Science Centre sells liquor? Bet you they'd open it now!

The science of liquor

Hey, how about the Science Centre sells liquor?

Bet you they'd open it now!

Helloooo Newman: Striking out on their own

Helloooo Newman: Striking out on their own: I was speaking to one of my best friends, Jim Beam, this morning. He's bummed. Out of a job. Went on a bender. Was caught by the police ...

Striking out on their own

I was speaking to one of my best friends, Jim Beam, this morning.

He's bummed. Out of a job. Went on a bender. Was caught by the police with a 40% alcohol content in his body. The problem is he keeps his emotions all bottled up. He's angry.

But not as angry as my wild friend Jack (Daniels). He travelled all the way from Tennessee to work here. He's losing it, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He always thought it should have been called The Moonshining. He drowns himself in spirits to forget.

You should have heard what Johnnie (Walker) screamed at me. It's mighty hard for him to sit on a shelf all day, walking, albeit crookedly, being in his nature. And now his colleagues walk out on him. Left high a dry.

How would you feel if you were like my buddy Morgan, who's achieved the status of Captain? He's yelling, "who put you in charge?" in a voice matching Hudson from Aliens. "Rum in your tum tum" he kept singing. Who knows when he'll see a stomach again.

One vodka I was chilling with is pissed to the Absolut. Smirnoff is changing his name to Pissedoff. Chartreuse was so blotto he kept singing "chartreuse micro-bus" from Blinded by the Light. Poor Kahlua was going through this all by himself. Too much of him and you feel sick.

Last I saw them, they were all crammed on a shelf and planning to strike out on their own.

Sounds like an excellent idea!

Helloooo Newman: The two-step down

Helloooo Newman: The two-step down: Please wake me when it's over Please re-elect me   Two of these leaders need to step down now. Can you guess which two?

The two-step down

Please wake me when it's over

Please re-elect me

 

Two of these leaders need to step down now. Can you guess which two?

Helloooo Newman: Science uncentred

Helloooo Newman: Science uncentred: Doug Ford caves in to developers. Sorry, I mean the Science Centre roof might cave in to snow. One of those July snow storms we often get.

Science uncentred

Doug Ford caves in to developers.

Sorry, I mean the Science Centre roof might cave in to snow. One of those July snow storms we often get.

Helloooo Newman: Friends, Canadians, countrymen, I'll lend you my ears

Helloooo Newman: Friends, Canadians, countrymen, I'll lend you my ears:   Justin Trudeau is all ears now. "Sorry, what? What are you saying?"

Friends, Canadians, countrymen, I'll lend you my ears

 

Justin Trudeau is all ears now.

"Sorry, what? What are you saying?"

Helloooo Newman: Cone of silence

Helloooo Newman: Cone of silence:   Why don't we put a giant one of these over the entire city of Toronto? Wouldn't it be easier?

Cone of silence

 

Why don't we put a giant one of these over the entire city of Toronto?

Wouldn't it be easier?

Helloooo Newman: Waves and domes

Helloooo Newman: Waves and domes: Remember when it used to get hot. We called it a heat wave. Covered an entire city. Really hot. Lasted a week or two. Maybe three. Suddenly ...

Waves and domes

Remember when it used to get hot. We called it a heat wave.

Covered an entire city. Really hot. Lasted a week or two. Maybe three.

Suddenly it's called a dome. Is that because of the SkyDome?

If there's a heat dome over Toronto, shouldn't it open and close? Shouldn't beer be $30 and boiled hot dogs $50?

I hope they open the heat dome this week.

Helloooo Newman: Track maintenance diet

Helloooo Newman: Track maintenance diet: I've been struggling to lose a few pounds. It's not easy when you're my advanced age. So I've hit upon a great plan. You sho...

Track maintenance diet

I've been struggling to lose a few pounds. It's not easy when you're my advanced age.

So I've hit upon a great plan. You should try it.

I stop eating every time the TTC closes the subway for track maintenance.

That's every weekend for the last 100 years. No food for me.

Apparently there's thousands of kilometres of track that need fixing. No one knows where this track is, but they're fixing it.

I think maybe they get lost and end up in London, England fixing the Tube. But the Tube is doing just fine.

The Tube - 161 years old, 250 miles of track

TTC - 70 year old, 43 miles of track

Helloooo Newman: Rice-A-Money

Helloooo Newman: Rice-A-Money: I've decided the day you only get a single piece of rice in a package I will seriously consider switching to something else. Or, maybe b...

Rice-A-Money

I've decided the day you only get a single piece of rice in a package I will seriously consider switching to something else.

Or, maybe buy 2000 packages.

Helloooo Newman: Love game

Helloooo Newman: Love game: Be still me beating heart.  Leo is a tennis fan. In celebration, maybe I'll let him keep his balls. Leo caught the tennis ball twice and...

Love game

Be still me beating heart. 

Leo is a tennis fan. In celebration, maybe I'll let him keep his balls.

Leo caught the tennis ball twice and they had to delay play.

How embarrassing.

How cute.

Also scratched the player's leg. Not good.

But cute.

Helloooo Newman: Hello my rag time cat

Helloooo Newman: Hello my rag time cat:   Turns out Leo is a very talented mimic. Here he's doing the dancing frog from Bugs Bunny. And he's never seen it. As far as talent...

Hello my rag time cat

 

Turns out Leo is a very talented mimic. Here he's doing the dancing frog from Bugs Bunny. And he's never seen it.

As far as talent goes, he's clearly in a cat-egory unto himself.

Obviously I'm rushing out to get a top hat and cane.

I'm gonna be rich!

Ribbit....

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Leo

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Leo: Say hi to Leo, the new addition to our blog family. Here he is taking a paws from playing. Just got him, and he's already playful, frien...

Helloooo Leo

Say hi to Leo, the new addition to our blog family. Here he is taking a paws from playing.

Just got him, and he's already playful, friendly, silly and damn handsome. Has a kinda Leo DiCaprio thing going on. I'm sure he'll be dating kittens in his 40s.

Stay tuned for humour from a cat's perspective.

Helloooo Newman: Cher lift

Helloooo Newman: Cher lift: I'm a hug fan of Cher. Someday I hope to be on a first name basis with her.

Cher lift

I'm a hug fan of Cher. Someday I hope to be on a first name basis with her.

Helloooo Newman: My Recommendation

Helloooo Newman: My Recommendation: Don't those Facebook posts of people asking for recommendations on a service bug you? Thought so! Can someone recommend a dryer vent cle...

My Recommendation

Don't those Facebook posts of people asking for recommendations on a service bug you?

Thought so!

Can someone recommend a dryer vent cleaner? Hey, who's good at folding laundry? Especially underwear. Any good heart surgeons in the area? What are their Google reviews like?

I recommend you, ya lazy bum. Get off Facebook and show your spouse you're good for something.

Might start a show - DIY or DIE. If that already exists, they stole it from me.

Always pisses them off. I guess it makes sense my Facebook friends list is dropping off a bit.

Helloooo Newman: Live deliberately

Helloooo Newman: Live deliberately: Henry David Thoreau said we should "suck out all the marrow of life." But what if I'm a vegetarian? Should I suck out all the ...

Live deliberately

Henry David Thoreau said we should "suck out all the marrow of life."

But what if I'm a vegetarian?

Should I suck out all the beet juice of life?"

Yuck!

Helloooo Newman: Near Beer

Helloooo Newman: Near Beer: Now you can wash those skittles down with a beer, son. Finally, Ontario is getting beer in corner stores. Until now, it was only Ontario, No...

Near Beer

Now you can wash those skittles down with a beer, son.

Finally, Ontario is getting beer in corner stores. Until now, it was only Ontario, North Korea and the 7 other planets in the solar system that didn't offer this convenience.

And people are complaining already. It only took a $225 million ransom payment to the Beer Store.

That's a deal, as far as I can tell. Ontario sells 1.2 billion beers a year. Divided by $225 million, that's $4.44 a beer. Oh, so close to buck-a-beer.

Remember the pasta jobs? $170,000 per job, paid for by the government.

Remember $13 billion for 3000 jobs at a car battery plant? $4.3 million per job. Of course we'd take the money instead. We're not stupid. The politicians are.

Here's wise money spent. The Federal government gave someone (friends?) $9 million to study the effects of climate change on democracy. Sounds like a high school homework assignment. It's due Friday. If you're late, we'll give you more money.

So, what's the problem? A fat politician signing a fat cheque.

Oh, of course that money could be used for, say, more family doctors. But the family doctor will just tell you to stop drinking. Is that what you want to hear? When the beer is so near? Nonsense.

It's estimated in 1 million years Ontario will introduce liquor to corner stores. It will cost $10 trillion.

Welcome to modernity, Ontario. 

Helloooo Newman: Yin and yang

Helloooo Newman: Yin and yang: I washed down 50 sleeping pills with 50 Red Bulls. Felt incredibly perfect.

Yin and yang

I washed down 50 sleeping pills with 50 Red Bulls.

Felt incredibly perfect.

Helloooo Newman: Black hole paradox

Helloooo Newman: Black hole paradox: The other day I was sitting quietly when my wife asked me what I was thinking. I said, "the black hole paradox." "Oh, you mea...

Black hole paradox

The other day I was sitting quietly when my wife asked me what I was thinking.

I said, "the black hole paradox."

"Oh, you mean the paradox that black holes evaporate and all the information they contain seems to be lost but quantum physics tells us that information in the universe can't be lost in any way? That all information must be conserved?"

"I was thinking more about your credit card, but that's interesting too."

Helloooo Newman: Pyramid power

Helloooo Newman: Pyramid power: Historians have discovered that Metrolinx actually submitted a quote to build the ancient pyramids but lost out to 100,000 slaves. Good thin...

Pyramid power

Historians have discovered that Metrolinx actually submitted a quote to build the ancient pyramids but lost out to 100,000 slaves.

Good thing.

It only took 20 years to build them.

Helloooo Newman: Politics is all cosmetic

Helloooo Newman: Politics is all cosmetic: I wonder if Chrystia Freeland sees the irony in saying that Pierre Poilievre wears more makeup than her. Isn't it her boss that wore the...

Politics is all cosmetic

I wonder if Chrystia Freeland sees the irony in saying that Pierre Poilievre wears more makeup than her.

Isn't it her boss that wore the dreaded black makeup at a halloween party?

She said this in Parliament, and so had to take it back, like a big girl. Man, women can be bullies.

Having said that,  I think Pierre really could benefit from some makeup. It would distract from the bobblehead look he was born with. And those suits? I didn't know you could still buy Seersuckers for $10.

If Pierre wins, I suggest a dress to match the makeup. It's time for a female leader.

Helloooo Newman: Pasta dough

Helloooo Newman: Pasta dough: Are you hungry? Do you love pasta? Trudough spent $1.7 million to create 10 pasta jobs. I guess to ensure there's no shortage of pasta i...

Pasta dough

Are you hungry?

Do you love pasta?

Trudough spent $1.7 million to create 10 pasta jobs.

I guess to ensure there's no shortage of pasta in Canada.

We do this with dairy, too. In case there's a shortage, we all get to pay the 7th highest price for  milk out of 97 countries.

I wonder if they asked those 10 people, hey, do you want to make pasta or we just give you $170,000 up front?

I'd say pasta dough to me!

Helloooo Newman: Toronto Transit Omission

Helloooo Newman: Toronto Transit Omission: The TTC workers might go on strike. I wonder if we'll notice a difference in the service.

Toronto Transit Omission

The TTC workers might go on strike. I wonder if we'll notice a difference in the service.

Helloooo Newman: Gridding your teeth

Helloooo Newman: Gridding your teeth: Are you as excited about the future as I am? A Jetson-esque future of clean electric cars, no traffic, fresh air and a clean earth to live o...

Gridding your teeth

Are you as excited about the future as I am?

A Jetson-esque future of clean electric cars, no traffic, fresh air and a clean earth to live on.

It's coming soon. You know it's coming. You can feel it like an electric current in your bones. 

No, not the kind that powers an electric chair, to punish you for unspeakable crimes.

The kind that gives you goose bumples all over and excites you to live fully.

It's coming.

Oh. Except all that it takes to bring down the electrical grid that powers your dreams is a tiny little squirrel. Like the one that took out all of downtown Toronto.

One meagre rodent, among millions. Totally spoils the party. Second time it's happened in a month.

No more cars. No air conditioning. No heat. No TTC. No future.

You know the squirrel is coming.

Grid your teeth.

Helloooo Newman: Electric Gas

Helloooo Newman: Electric Gas: Bought an electric car but I'm putting a gas engine in it.  Runs way longer and it's easier to fill.

Electric Gas

Bought an electric car but I'm putting a gas engine in it. 

Runs way longer and it's easier to fill.

Helloooo Newman: Father's Day to the T

Helloooo Newman: Father's Day to the T: Father's Day is coming up. Just if you're having trouble finding something useful.

Father's Day to the T

Father's Day is coming up. Just if you're having trouble finding something useful.

Helloooo Newman: Hip-ster

Helloooo Newman: Hip-ster: The other day a group of young girls said to me, "hey, you're the new hipster." It made me feel really good. I'm doing som...

Helloooo Newman: Mancott

Helloooo Newman: Mancott: I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna eat a month's worth of food today and then mancott Loblaws for the month of May.

Mancott

I'm gonna be a man.

I'm gonna eat a month's worth of food today and then mancott Loblaws for the month of May.

Hip-ster

The other day a group of young girls said to me, "hey, you're the new hipster."

It made me feel really good. I'm doing something right.

Later it was explained to me they actually said, "hey, you need a new hip, sir".

Helloooo Newman: Taylor Made

Helloooo Newman: Taylor Made: I almost want to cheat so Taylor Swift will write a song about me.

Taylor Made

I almost want to cheat so Taylor Swift will write a song about me.

Helloooo Newman: Yukky breastfeeding

Helloooo Newman: Yukky breastfeeding: Did you hear about the comedian (Arj Barker) who kicked a breastfeeding woman out of his show? In Australia, of all places. I thought men i...

Yukky breastfeeding

Did you hear about the comedian (Arj Barker) who kicked a breastfeeding woman out of his show?

In Australia, of all places. I thought men in Australia worshipped breasts.

I'm a bit torn. Part of me says I would have kicked the mom out but asked the baby to stay. Not his fault.

But, and I hate to do this, I feel the need to ask all breastfeeding women reading this blog to stop reading, or feeding, NOW.

It distracts the readers. Especially me.

Noisy baby. Two bouncy castles in your face. Who can put a sentence together?

If you want to breastfeed in public, put it on YouTube or TikTok, like everyone else.

Send me the link. Just don't do it during my blog.

Thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Secret Fetish

Helloooo Newman: Secret Fetish: I have a secret fetish. I like to wear men's underwear. There. I said it. Go ahead, judge me. But don't tell anyone, okay?

Secret Fetish

I have a secret fetish.

I like to wear men's underwear.

There. I said it.

Go ahead, judge me.

But don't tell anyone, okay?

Helloooo Newman: The long bucket list

Helloooo Newman: The long bucket list:   Another achievement off everyone's bucket list

The long bucket list

 

Another achievement off everyone's bucket list

Helloooo Newman: Bag Man

Helloooo Newman: Bag Man: How weird that Ford is bringing back paper bags. It's like he's reminding us he can't lead his was out of a paper bag. On the pl...

Bag Man

How weird that Ford is bringing back paper bags.

It's like he's reminding us he can't lead his was out of a paper bag.

On the plus side, all the trees cut down to produce the bags will come from his cottage.

Helloooo Newman: Stoned

Helloooo Newman: Stoned: They survived the eclipse. Now it's time to remind your kids: no staring directly at Medusa

Stoned

They survived the eclipse.

Now it's time to remind your kids: no staring directly at Medusa

Helloooo Newman: LCBO

Helloooo Newman: LCBO: The LCBO has been asked to bring back paper bags. Bags that are recyclable and made from recycled materials. This means I will no longer for...

LCBO

The LCBO has been asked to bring back paper bags. Bags that are recyclable and made from recycled materials.

This means I will no longer forget to bring one of the 4000 reusable bags I have stored up in my closet. Bags that aren't recyclable, covered in mold and will end up in a landfill site.

A cynical person might think they are making a little money on the side charging for bags. But, of course, we aren't cynical here at Helloooo Newman. As always, the liquor people have our best interests at heart.

The LCBO will no longer stand for the Liquor Control Bags of Ontario.

Helloooo Newman: Always wear protection

Helloooo Newman: Always wear protection: Damned if I can find solar eclipse contacts!

Always wear protection

Damned if I can find solar eclipse contacts!

Helloooo Newman: Suing Reality

Helloooo Newman: Suing Reality: In a bold move, Ontario school boards have expanded their lawsuit from media giants to include reality itself. We're tired of reality. I...

Suing Reality

In a bold move, Ontario school boards have expanded their lawsuit from media giants to include reality itself.

We're tired of reality. It's time things are the way they should be. We hope to win a lot of money, and make things the way we want them to be.

Next on the list. The English language, for having cuss words.

Helloooo Newman: Total eclipse of the brain

Helloooo Newman: Total eclipse of the brain: Has everyone gone mad? Cancel school because of the eclipse? Wear special glasses? Watch it at nighttime, like me. Dummies

Total eclipse of the brain

Has everyone gone mad?

Cancel school because of the eclipse?

Wear special glasses?

Watch it at nighttime, like me.

Dummies

Helloooo Newman: KIA

Helloooo Newman: KIA: I've been car shopping recently. Was considering a KIA, but I think it's really inappropriate to name a car Killed In Action. Rude a...

KIA

I've been car shopping recently.

Was considering a KIA, but I think it's really inappropriate to name a car Killed In Action.

Rude and insensitive.

Helloooo Newman: Master Rebater

Helloooo Newman: Master Rebater: Why hasn't Trudeau sent me another grocery rebate? I need to buy more food (beer). The price of food  (beer)  just keeps going up and up...

Master Rebater

Why hasn't Trudeau sent me another grocery rebate?

I need to buy more food (beer).

The price of food (beer) just keeps going up and up.

A guy's gotta eat (beer).

Helloooo Newman: Advil

Helloooo Newman: Advil: From the makers of Advil comes Subtractvil. If you just don't feel like sex tonight and you need a believable excuse, Subtractvil gives ...

Advil

From the makers of Advil comes Subtractvil.

If you just don't feel like sex tonight and you need a believable excuse, Subtractvil gives you that headache you so desperately need.

Great for all occasions. Take a day off work. Skip that golf game you suck at anyway. Uncertain about your upcoming wedding?

Skip it! And everyone will believe you. Because it's a real headache.

With Subtractvil.

Subtract the annoying things out of life.

Helloooo Newman: In-between the lines

Helloooo Newman: In-between the lines: I read somewhere that all the best writers challenge you to read in-between the lines. So I wrote a blog with just the important stuff in-be...

In-between the lines

I read somewhere that all the best writers challenge you to read in-between the lines.

So I wrote a blog with just the important stuff in-between the lines.

Let me know what you think.

Enjoy…

Helloooo Newman: Chicken counting

Helloooo Newman: Chicken counting: I heard someone say that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch. Really? How about if you own a Swiss Chalet franchise. It&...

Chicken counting

I heard someone say that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch.

Really?

How about if you own a Swiss Chalet franchise.

It's Christmas time. Festive specials are flying out the door.

Hey Frank, how many chickens do we have left? Are we running out?

Dunno. You told me not to count them.

Boom. You're out of business.

Helloooo Newman: ASSCII

Helloooo Newman: ASSCII: I swear, sometimes I feel like I get texts messages in my ass. Let me tell you, checking them is not enjoyable.

ASSCII

I swear, sometimes I feel like I get text messages in my ass.

Let me tell you, checking them is not enjoyable.

Helloooo Newman: Biden his time

Helloooo Newman: Biden his time: I'll be honest, I hope Biden wins. I'll be honest, Biden reminds me of my grandfather while dropping Bengay and Metamucil in a sauna...

Biden his time

I'll be honest, I hope Biden wins.

I'll be honest, Biden reminds me of my grandfather while dropping Bengay and Metamucil in a sauna.

Bengay and Metamucil are proud sponsors of this blog.

Helloooo Newman: Tell it like it is

Helloooo Newman: Tell it like it is: If someone files your toenails, shouldn't that be called a pedifile?

Tell it like it is

If someone files your toenails, shouldn't that be called a pedifile?

Helloooo Newman: Out to lunch?

Helloooo Newman: Out to lunch?: Why are people always out to lunch? I wake up stupid in the morning sometimes and that's out to breakfast.

Out to lunch?

Why are people always out to lunch?

I wake up stupid in the morning sometimes and that's out to breakfast.

Helloooo Newman: Climate Fun Killer

Helloooo Newman: Climate Fun Killer: Under new Liberal legislation, it will be against the law to enjoy nice weather during winter. Statements like "what a nice February da...

Climate Fun Killer

Under new Liberal legislation, it will be against the law to enjoy nice weather during winter.

Statements like "what a nice February day" and "wow, this is patio weather, let's get a beer" will be strictly monitored and punishable by 2 weeks locked in an abandoned meat freezer. 

Think it's warm enough to wear shorts? Think again.

February short-wearing people will spend July in a full-body ski suit. Gotta learn, people!

Remember.

IT'S WINTER.

Stop enjoying the nice weather.

Helloooo Newman: The Partly Fake News

Helloooo Newman: The Partly Fake News: Justin Trudeau visits Ukraine Calls Putin a weakling War ends!

The Partly Fake News

Justin Trudeau visits Ukraine

Calls Putin a weakling

War ends!

Helloooo Newman: Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto

Helloooo Newman: Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto: The Law & Order franchise is finally coming to Toronto. Congratulations, Toronto. You're finally on par with the average American ci...

Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto

The Law & Order franchise is finally coming to Toronto.

Congratulations, Toronto. You're finally on par with the average American city for gun crime and random subway stabbings. Think of all the actors this will employ.

Hear that noise? That's the Canadian content police partying away. They're the ones who insisted that Law & Order: Toronto be filmed in Toronto. Rules, rules, rules.

In the first episode, a mass casualty event. 

24 people die waiting in traffic on the QEW. 

There's a football game, a baseball game, a Raptors game, a Leaf game, a Bruce Cockburn concert, a bike race in all the bike lanes and a gaggle of Metrolinx employees building an LRT under Lake Ontario because they got lost.

The police, busy counting the extra money they just got from Toronto, take extra time to respond. 

The lawyers, busy prosecuting comedians for telling inappropriate jokes, don't even hear the Dum Dum at the beginning of the show.

Future episodes: 

ArriveCan: Dead on arrival

Metrolinx: The 11 year crime

I predict 200 seasons.

The road less traveled, because it's not built

Look, mom. No roads

The Liberal party of Canada has a new "plan" for Canada.

We gathered a random group of Canadian toddlers, future voters, to ask what they think of the Liberal's new "plan".

The plan: Lots of money for electric cars and batteries. Force people to buy electric cars. Grow the country by millions of people. No more money for roads. More money to $80,000 app, developed for $60 million.

Here's what the toddlers said:

Jimmie: I like flying cars. Are they flying cars?

Carla: This sounds like the mess I just made in my diapers.

Nigel: My daddy likes to swear and drive in the bike lane. Will this mean less swearing?

Timmy: My baby carriage. Will it be electric?

Miranda: I once threw up 60 million peas.

Nuban: Socioeconomically speaking, the transfer of populations across the earth makes sense and is, in some ways, a natural occurrence. Just like when the first hominids ventured out of Africa so long ago. And ontologically speaking, humans are, in the core of their being, curious and adventurous animals. But the need for critical infrastructure to support these migrations are of supreme importance. Hopefully the right decisions will be made.

Nuban is in the gifted program.

There you have it, folks. The first reactions to the Liberal plan for the great nation of Canada. 

How will these toddlers vote when they are of age? Will they move? We can only guess.

With such common sense analysis, I'm ready to vote them in now.

Helloooo Newman: Super Bowlderdash

Helloooo Newman: Super Bowlderdash: I'm rootin' for the 69ers tomorrow.  Really counting on this Taylor Swift guy to touch some downs.

Super Bowlderdash

I'm rootin' for the 69ers tomorrow. 

Really counting on this Taylor Swift guy to touch some downs.

Helloooo Newman: brother of a greater known

Helloooo Newman: brother of a greater known: We all know Rene Descartes famously wrote, I think, therefore I am . In the Latin, that's cogito, ergo sum . Rene had a little-known bro...

brother of a greater known

We all know Rene Descartes famously wrote, I think, therefore I am. In the Latin, that's cogito, ergo sum.

Rene had a little-known brother.

Al a Cartes.

He wrote in the bathroom of a diner, I think I'll have the soup, burger and Boston creme pie, therefore I am hungry.

In the Latin, that's muchiesito, ergo fullum.

Helloooo Newman: Pornflation

Helloooo Newman: Pornflation: Economists have confirmed it. Shrinkflation has hit the porn industry. Instead of increasing prices, they're shrinking the size of penis...

Pornflation

Economists have confirmed it.

Shrinkflation has hit the porn industry.

Instead of increasing prices, they're shrinking the size of penises and boobies.

Have you noticed?

* still searching for a picture for this one

Helloooo Newman: Blinded by the Science Centre

Helloooo Newman: Blinded by the Science Centre: The chorus of babies crying for the Science Centre to stay where it is grows every larger. Who gives a crap. Where you want it. Just because...

Blinded by the Science Centre

The chorus of babies crying for the Science Centre to stay where it is grows every larger.

Who gives a crap. Where you want it. Just because it was there when you were a kid.

I want a beer store in my backyard and a brothel in my bedroom, but I don't have that, do I?

Put a diaper in it.

Helloooo Newman: and the Oscar goes to…

Helloooo Newman: and the Oscar goes to…: Hopefully the supreme court will rule soon on who exactly should have been nominated from Barbie .

and the Oscar goes to…

Hopefully the supreme court will rule soon on who exactly should have been nominated from Barbie.

Helloooo Newman: Back to basics

Helloooo Newman: Back to basics: It's back to basics for kindergarten in Ontario. From climate change, gender politics and rewriting history to poopy pants, telling on y...

Back to basics

It's back to basics for kindergarten in Ontario.

From climate change, gender politics and rewriting history to poopy pants, telling on your friends and running in the yard. It will be a hard adjustment for our children.

Also, no tobogganing in class.

Helloooo Newman: Twisted leader

Helloooo Newman: Twisted leader:   In case you didn't recognize her, this is Sophie Trudeau. Probably on that Jamaican beach that cost Justin $100,000 to stay for the we...

Twisted leader

 

In case you didn't recognize her, this is Sophie Trudeau. Probably on that Jamaican beach that cost Justin $100,000 to stay for the week over Christmas.

Sorry, he didn't actually pay for it. After first saying he did pay for it. Did you know some of his assistants had to stay at nice resorts near him? At taxpayer's expense! In case he needed his swimming trunks pressed. I applied for that job, but decided my efforts where better spent here helping Metrolinx build their subway. I figured I know as much about subway-building as they do.

Turns out Sophie is starting a new career as a yoga instructor. Her first client will be Justin. Apart from the health benefits, the best part of yoga is Justin learning to twist himself into all kinds of different shapes justifying to Canadians why he needs a week-long $100,000 vacation.

Joe Biden, who is currently risking his political ass using military might to keep all our Amazon orders freely flowing through the Red Sea, has not managed the time for a $100,000 week-long vacation. Oh, and the small feat of beating the world's number one terrorist. Trump.

It was Jane Austin who wrote, "it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife, and a $100,000 week-long vacation."

Okay. I added that last part. A quote from Pride and Prejudice, both of which Justin has. Remember the black face?

Justin is up on his resorts but down in the poles. Sorry, I meant polls. He's quite popular in the North and South poles polls, where no one has heard of him.

Anyway, I'm sure with a little effort and a very large can of Silvo, Justin will improve his tarnished reputation.

The future of $100,000 beach yoga is riding on it.

Helloooo Newman: Not funny ha ha

Helloooo Newman: Not funny ha ha: Any material you find on this site that's not funny was written by Jo Koy. If you book an appointment, Mr. Koy will come to your house a...

Not funny ha ha

Any material you find on this site that's not funny was written by Jo Koy.

If you book an appointment, Mr. Koy will come to your house and personally apologize for not making you laugh. 

You don't even have to say anything to him. Just purse your lips, a la Taylor Swift.

Mr. Koy will not be coy. He will blame me for the bad material.

But it's all his fault!

Helloooo Newman: The year of living expensively

Helloooo Newman: The year of living expensively: This is the Toronto homeowner answering the call of City Hall

The year of living expensively

This is the Toronto homeowner answering the call of City Hall

Helloooo Newman: In Freeland you get arrested

Helloooo Newman: In Freeland you get arrested: Keep smiling. Bigggggger.  See my teeth? Do that.   I was gonna ask Chrystia Freeland a question yesterday but was afraid I'd get arrest...

In Freeland you get arrested

Keep smiling. Bigggggger. 
See my teeth? Do that.

 

I was gonna ask Chrystia Freeland a question yesterday but was afraid I'd get arrested.

Just wanted to know why she doesn't own a car.

Then it hit me. She uses a taxpayer-funded chauffeur.

Oh shit. RCMP at the door.

Helloooo Newman: Forgetting Facebook

Helloooo Newman: Forgetting Facebook: You know that feature on Facebook that says you have a memory to look back on? That's so annoying. They should have a version for old pe...

Forgetting Facebook

You know that feature on Facebook that says you have a memory to look back on?

That's so annoying.

They should have a version for old people like me: you have no new memories to look back on because you're stinkin' old and can't form any new memories.

Go back to bed.

Helloooo Newman: How was your Christmas?

Helloooo Newman: How was your Christmas?: I hope ya'll had a good Christmas. I sure hope Justin Trudeau did. He definitely put in a good effort. He stayed at a $9500/night resort...

How was your Christmas?

I hope ya'll had a good Christmas.

I sure hope Justin Trudeau did. He definitely put in a good effort.

He stayed at a $9500/night resort in Jamaica. For 10 nights. For free.

Family friend.

It's a former slave plantation. 

Anyway, listen. We can all relax and enjoy 2024 more knowing that "Dundas" will be gone, due to its association with…um…slavery.

PS: It's an ugly rumour that Justin was in black face at this resort. Seems like people confused that with the black eye Sophie gave him.

Helloooo Newman: Booze-free January

Helloooo Newman: Booze-free January: Are you doing a booze-free January like all the other smart people? I am. That's why I'm visiting friends. For free booze. You'r...

Booze-free January

Are you doing a booze-free January like all the other smart people?

I am.

That's why I'm visiting friends. For free booze.

You're next!