Helloooo Newman: Shrinkflation

Helloooo Newman: Shrinkflation: Economists note that shrinkflation has finally hit the porn industry. Specifically, the male porn star. For the consumer, this means less ba...

Shrinkflation

Economists note that shrinkflation has finally hit the porn industry.

Specifically, the male porn star.

For the consumer, this means less bang for their buck.

They're not sure if this shrinkflation is caused by high interest rates, the supply chain, or that men just aren't real men anymore.

Helloooo Newman: RE-joice

Helloooo Newman: RE-joice: So. Trudeau's wife re-partnered months before the breakup. I think it's time Canada re-prime minister.

RE-joice

So. Trudeau's wife re-partnered months before the breakup.

I think it's time Canada re-prime minister.

Helloooo Newman: Drink to your education

Helloooo Newman: Drink to your education: Remember all that cheap booze we used to drive to Quebec to guzzle down? Happy hour, closed streets, travelers. Well, I'm a gonna take a...

Drink to your education

Remember all that cheap booze we used to drive to Quebec to guzzle down? Happy hour, closed streets, travelers.

Well, I'm a gonna take all those savings and register at McGill.

I think that's why they gave us such awesome drink deals. So we could save up for when they capriciously double tuition for foreigners. Uh, I mean, other Canadians.

Heck, I might even learn a bit of their dying language. What is it again? French? The official language of 33 countries. Never really heard of it.

Helloooo Newman: Earth shattering

Helloooo Newman: Earth shattering: Several Canadian Liberal MPs are calling for a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas. In other important news, scientists discover that flies l...

Earth shattering

Several Canadian Liberal MPs are calling for a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas.

In other important news, scientists discover that flies like shit.

Helloooo Newman: Work hazards

Helloooo Newman: Work hazards: One of the biggest hazards in the dog walking business is the poop bag, but not in the way you might expect. Last night I left a full poop b...

Work hazards

One of the biggest hazards in the dog walking business is the poop bag, but not in the way you might expect.

Last night I left a full poop bag in my car, baking for 12 hours in the intense heat that a car reaches in October when you throw in out-of-control climate change.

Why did I do that? Why didn't I throw it out, like a sane person would do?

Good questions.

You see, sometimes clients don't have accessible green bins. Sure, I could leave the bag on their porch, or right at the front door, or maybe on their bed, in hopes of encouraging them to bring out their bin.

But I have scruples. Ethics. Morals. When it comes to matters of excrement, be it canine or human.

So I throw it in my car, right where I can see it so I don't forget it's there. Of course I have every intention of grabbing it when I see a garbage can or when I get home. I'm not stupid.

Sometimes I forget, okay? I'm preoccupied with important stuff, like opening a cold beer after a long, hot day. In October. During out-of-control climate change.

Consequently, this morning my car smelled like the instrument you would use to give a dog a colonoscopy. Or, like I was trapped in the bowels of a dog that is just finishing the digestion of a dead skunk. Or, like I was a fetus gestating inside the rectum of a Great Dane.

To top it off, I was supposed to pick someone up this morning. Someone important enough that I couldn't invite them into this riding rectum with me.

So I had to switch to my wife's car, while my car screamed in agony until the smell was gone.

So don't talk to me about your risky job. 

Come for a drive with me. By the way, I work for Uber too.

Helloooo Newman: Poetry

Helloooo Newman: Poetry: I wrote a poem for Newman What Are Ya, Chuck Berry? Newman, you're the sweetest dog to me Without you, what would I be? So stop dragging...

Poetry

I wrote a poem for Newman

What Are Ya, Chuck Berry?

Newman, you're the sweetest dog to me
Without you, what would I be?
So stop dragging your ass on the rug
What Are Ya, Chuck Berry?

He wrote one for me.

I'm Watching

Daddy, I look up to you
You feed me, love me, play and say goo goo
By the way, I'm watching while you surf the web
I'm telling mommy