Helloooo Newman: Reboots

Helloooo Newman: Reboots: Doug Ford starts in a reboot of the popular film The Punisher . Called The Punisher: Easter Weekend , Doug iron-fists a city to behave and i...

Reboots

Doug Ford starts in a reboot of the popular film The Punisher. Called The Punisher: Easter Weekend, Doug iron-fists a city to behave and if they don't, he'll hide their Easter eggs. He also has rabbit for dinner Easter Sunday. Jesus makes a rare cameo, doing nothing to help the human race.

A reboot of the original Star Trek is in the works.
Kirk: Spock, it's a planet full of people giving each other needles.
Spock: Vaccinating, Captain.

Helloooo Newman: Amazoptions

Helloooo Newman: Amazoptions: Amazon needs more options in their delivery service. A little box to check that says: yes, I'd love my shower curtain rings in 24 hours,...

Amazoptions

Amazon needs more options in their delivery service. A little box to check that says: yes, I'd love my shower curtain rings in 24 hours, but I'd also like it wrapped in packaging that doesn't take 24 hours to dismantle. 

Without this option, that's two days it takes for me to get my product. One day on a ship stuck in the Suez Canal and one day with me, a bow torch and some semtex.

Helloooo Newman: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

Helloooo Newman: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?:  Doug Ford, who trims his hair with a wood chipper, will let me get my haircut?

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

 Doug Ford, who trims his hair with a wood chipper, will let me get my haircut?

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: The Biden Administration just fired 5 people for past weed use. Two more people were fired for colouring outside the lines in kindergarten, ...

Wit Bits

The Biden Administration just fired 5 people for past weed use. Two more people were fired for colouring outside the lines in kindergarten, four are on leave for being lousy parallel parkers, three were yelled at by Janet Yellen for photocopying their butts, and the First dog was scolded for biting. Keep up the good work, Joe.

I was gonna try CBD drops but Joe Biden told me it's a gateway drop.

I got together with 9 couples and felt like a nineteenth wheel.

Hey John Tory, I know you're trying to convince us that you're a working class type of guy who isn't rich and suffers from the pandemic like the rest of us by not cutting your hair, but if you appear in public again, please cut your hair. These times are tough enough.

Did you know Russia has the deepest lake in the world? Well, some of that water got in Putin's panties cuz he's really upset about being called a killer. Putin didn't deny it and, in fact, admitted that The Killers is on his playlist.

Helloooo Newman: A Cut Below

Helloooo Newman: A Cut Below: Need a haircut in Toronto? Here's an idea. Go to a Costco and mingle around with 100 other crammed-in, heavy-breathing members of the pu...

A Cut Below

Need a haircut in Toronto? Here's an idea.

Go to a Costco and mingle around with 100 other crammed-in, heavy-breathing members of the public for a couple of hours, who have previously been lined up for 2 hours, which is allowed, and then buy some barber scissors, on sale beside the tower of toilet paper.

Then approach one of the Costco employees, who is probably a hairdresser because they aren't allowed to work at their actual job, sneak behind the 100 gallon jar of cashews and get your hair done.

Here's what you shouldn't do. Go to a hair salon and spend 20 minutes with just yourself and the hairdresser, just two people in an entire store, masks on, and get your hair cut.

Helloooo Newman: Is This Why Humanity Won't Survive?

Helloooo Newman: Is This Why Humanity Won't Survive?: I received a letter from my car insurance company in the mail today. It's a letter, printed on paper, thanking me for choosing the NO-PA...

Is This Why Humanity Won't Survive?

I received a letter from my car insurance company in the mail today. It's a letter, printed on paper, thanking me for choosing the NO-PAPER option in all our correspondence.

Just in case I mistook this piece of paper for an actual piece of paper, which it is, they printed the words NO PAPER in huge type in the top right corner. 

I'm really trying hard to pretend this piece of paper isn't actually a piece of paper. Maybe the words THIS IS NOT PAPER YOU'RE HOLDING, DUMMY would have sold it better. 

Right now I'm just not really convinced. I did some acting when I was younger, but no matter what I do, like gain 50 pounds or live in a pulp and paper mill for 6 months, I can't prepare myself for this role of acting like I'm not holding a piece of paper that I am, in fact, holding.

I wonder if De Niro would be able to handle a difficult role like this. How would he approach it? One could consult a mime expert, but then it's not like you're pretending to hold a piece of paper. You are actually holding a piece of paper, and pretending not to, or not to notice you are. It's reverse mime. Are there any reverse mime experts out there?

BTW, if you signed up for the NO-PAPER version of this blog, you will receive your paper copy in the mail within 6 weeks.

Thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Postcards from the Cringe

Helloooo Newman: Postcards from the Cringe: Hey Canadians, have you received your free postcard yet? Every Canadian gets one. It's about time. In case you're confused, they&#39...

Postcards from the Cringe

Hey Canadians, have you received your free postcard yet? Every Canadian gets one.

It's about time. In case you're confused, they're meant to mail out to keep in touch with people in these tough times. I've been using my phone, Zoom and FaceTime, but I guess I'm the only one doing that. I should stop all that nonsense.

I'm glad there's no contradiction between stay-at-home orders and going out to mail a postcard.

Still, it's a big savings, which I'll put towards the ever-increasing price of groceries.

Here's an idea. Send it to your MP and ask them to mail some vaccine.

I bet I can guess what's in your recycle box next week.

Helloooo Newman: The Decay of Western Civilization

Helloooo Newman: The Decay of Western Civilization: They say that Western Civilization is in decay, and has been for a while. I didn't believe it, until today. My daughter came home from t...

The Decay of Western Civilization

They say that Western Civilization is in decay, and has been for a while.

I didn't believe it, until today. My daughter came home from the dentist with 10 cavities. That's one-third of society, I mean of my daughter's teeth.

I thought the decay would be caused by declining morals, greed and unbridled sex but apparently it's caused by chocolate bars, weed gummy bears and Monster energy drinks.

The decaying of Western Civilization is very expensive.

Helloooo Newman: What is Comedy?

Helloooo Newman: What is Comedy?: A famous writer once said that in comedy, there's always a victim. In this case, it's you for reading this blog.

What is Comedy?

A famous writer once said that in comedy, there's always a victim. In this case, it's you for reading this blog.