Helloooo Newman: Crowning Achievement

Helloooo Newman: Crowning Achievement: Does Canada really need a Governor General to represent the Queen in our country? Can't we just all watch The Crown and call it a day? ...

Crowning Achievement

Does Canada really need a Governor General to represent the Queen in our country? Can't we just all watch The Crown and call it a day?

Here's an idea, Justin.

Instead of paying Julie PAYette the whopping pay of $425,000 a year to send the women's movement back to the stone age, let's buy every Canadian a Netflix membership.

Helloooo Newman: Oh What a Feeling

Helloooo Newman: Oh What a Feeling: Doctors have found, using detailed fMRI scans, that firing a Trump appointee produces the most satisfying feeling a human being can experien...

Oh What a Feeling

Doctors have found, using detailed fMRI scans, that firing a Trump appointee produces the most satisfying feeling a human being can experience. 

Careful measurements show that the amount of endorphins released rivals that of the sperm a blue whale ejects during a one night stand in a cozy corner of Chesapeake Bay.

The study concluded that Joe is feeling really great these days.

Helloooo Newman: Ying Yang river

Helloooo Newman: Ying Yang river: America: one million vaccine shots a day Canada: travelling up the million mile ying yang river looking for vaccine

Ying Yang river

America: one million vaccine shots a day

Canada: travelling up the million mile ying yang river looking for vaccine

Helloooo Newman: Immunity

Helloooo Newman: Immunity: Wow. What an historic day. What a four years. Still, there are some lingering questions in my mind. You know that fun game, Punch Buggy, No ...

Immunity

Wow.

What an historic day. What a four years.

Still, there are some lingering questions in my mind.

You know that fun game, Punch Buggy, No Punch Backs? Well, if you're driving a Volkswagen bug and you see someone else in a bug, do you have the right to punch them? And they get to punch you?

Or do you both get punch immunity? Being mutual Volkswagen owners.

Who gets to punch first? The one who saw the bug first, of course. But how do you adequately prove that? I'm not saying you need the kind of evidence that's required in a court of law, or an impeachment trial, but still. Tricky, right?

You know what they say. History is written by the one who punches first.

Helloooo Newman: Knock Knock Knocking on the Voter's Door

Helloooo Newman: Knock Knock Knocking on the Voter's Door: The next time a certain group of politicians come knocking on the door for my vote, I might issue my own stay-at-home order.

Knock Knock Knocking on the Voter's Door

The next time a certain group of politicians come knocking on the door for my vote, I might issue my own stay-at-home order.

Helloooo Newman: Coupdités

Helloooo Newman: Coupdités: Jan 20 Coup party Veggie platters Is that a thing?

Coupdités

Jan 20

Coup party

Veggie platters

Is that a thing?

Helloooo Newman: There's No Place Like Home, Part Deux

Helloooo Newman: There's No Place Like Home, Part Deux: I was stopped by a cop yesterday and told to go home. I pleaded with the cop that you can't go home. He didn't understand. To build ...

Helloooo Newman: There's No Place Like Home

Helloooo Newman: There's No Place Like Home: Thomas Wolfe wrote You Can't Go Home Again . Doug Ford says "stay home" Result: headache

There's No Place Like Home, Part Deux

I was stopped by a cop yesterday and told to go home.

I pleaded with the cop that you can't go home. He didn't understand. To build my case I pulled out a copy of You Can't Go Home Again and gave it to him.

To my shock and surprise he sat in his cruiser and read the entire book. Cover to cover. Every word.

He exited his cruiser, walked up to me, hands on his belt, and said, "You know what? You're right. You can't go home."

He sent me on my way.

I decided that one day when he isn't busy busting BBQ joints and belittling pedestrians, we will start a book club together.

A happy pandemic story.

There's No Place Like Home

Thomas Wolfe wrote You Can't Go Home Again.

Doug Ford says "stay home"

Result: headache

Helloooo Newman: Smart Ass

Helloooo Newman: Smart Ass: I learned the other day that the octopus is a very smart creature and half if its 500 million neurons are located in its 8 tentacles. That m...

Helloooo Newman: Smart Ass

Helloooo Newman: Smart Ass: I learned the other day that the octopus is a very smart creature and half if its 500 million neurons are located in its 8 tentacles. That m...

Smart Ass

I learned the other day that the octopus is a very smart creature and half if its 500 million neurons are located in its 8 tentacles. That makes me feel so much better, since half my neurons are located in my ass. The other half are in my stomach, and they need to be fed.

Helloooo Newman: Calculating

Helloooo Newman: Calculating: A friend of mine tried the vaccine calculator. Entered the numbers and got the Pi symbol. Does that mean he should eat more pie while stuck ...

Calculating

A friend of mine tried the vaccine calculator. Entered the numbers and got the Pi symbol. Does that mean he should eat more pie while stuck at home waiting for a shot in the arm?

The government had about a year to plan a vaccine rollout.

You can do the math yourself.

Helloooo Newman: Living in the Vacci Nation

Helloooo Newman: Living in the Vacci Nation: Just got my first vaccine, hot off the press. Actually, cold. The only side effect is the urge to have a beer and celebrate. Only with other...

Living in the Vacci Nation

Just got my first vaccine, hot off the press. Actually, cold.

The only side effect is the urge to have a beer and celebrate.

Only with other vaccinated people.

Close up.

Helloooo Newman: Financial Advisor

Helloooo Newman: Financial Advisor: Well, I don't think I can add anything useful to the multitude of comments made on current events. What I can do is give you 5 reasons w...

Financial Advisor

Well, I don't think I can add anything useful to the multitude of comments made on current events.

What I can do is give you 5 reasons why you should let the Clams Company (and other molluscs) be your financial advisor.

1. To reduce your tax bill, we will help you set up a shell company

2. When the tax man comes calling, clam up and let Clams do the talking

3. Ambitious? Want to be the the next Rockefeller? Let our parent company, Oysters Inc, take over

4. Outstanding debt you need to collect? Let our Mussels division be the muscle

5. When you invest, you buy low and sell high. When you cook clams, it's the opposite. Boil on high and then simmer on low. Confusing. We guide you through it.

Helloooo Newman: Welcome to the Jungle

Helloooo Newman: Welcome to the Jungle:   This guy as POTUS? Ya. I can see that.

Welcome to the Jungle

 

This guy as POTUS?

Ya. I can see that.

Helloooo Newman: It's So Obvious Women are Smarter

Helloooo Newman: It's So Obvious Women are Smarter: I'm still dumbfounded when I think back to my 20s and 30s, single, stud about town, and even then the women I met were practicing social...

It's So Obvious Women are Smarter

I'm still dumbfounded when I think back to my 20s and 30s, single, stud about town, and even then the women I met were practicing social distancing.

"We should really stay 6 feet apart, at least", they would say.

Astounding that they had the foresight to start practicing for an eventual pandemic, especially when none of them could even remotely relate to the last pandemic in 1918? Who could?

So, so clever of them. 

I'm dumb-founded.

Helloooo Newman: 21 Confessions

Helloooo Newman: 21 Confessions: I have a confession to make, and you're not gonna like it. You might even stop reading this blog. That's okay. Go with your gut. Tod...

21 Confessions

I have a confession to make, and you're not gonna like it.

You might even stop reading this blog. That's okay. Go with your gut.

Today I was driving among the masked hoards and a song come on the radio. First time I heard it. And I liked this song. 

Nice, simple beginning with a bit of a melancholy feel. But still, hopeful. Personal.

The radio kindly listed the singer's name on the screen. A quick glance revealed "Sw".

Hmmm. Not enough info. But I still liked the song. 

Then a "T". "ay".

Oh my God. 

A Taylor Swift song. 

I know. I'm so sorry for this.

I enjoyed listening to a Taylor Swift song. And didn't vomit. Thank goodness I was alone.

You can cancel your subscription anytime you want.

But wait! I did a bit of research.

Why did I like this song, when Taylor Swift usually makes me spasmodically ill? Just how many boyfriends has she broken up with? It seems endless.

Well, it just so happens that I like this song because it sounds a lot like another great song that I like.

That song is Fade Into You by Mazzy Star.

Can you guess the Swift song?

Do you care?

I hope not.