Helloooo Newman: Important Days

Helloooo Newman: Important Days: Jesus, come on. Isn't January 20th a far more important day than December 31st? Or December 11th? Or the 14th? The first days people wer...

Important Days

Jesus, come on. Isn't January 20th a far more important day than December 31st?

Or December 11th? Or the 14th? The first days people were given the vaccine.

Fuck December 31st.

Even so, I'm gonna drink less, exercise more, sleep less, read more, daydream less, learn more, build more muscle, build less fat, be more kind, be less cranky…

more or less

Happy New Year

Helloooo Newman: Stern Talking To, Ford Style

Helloooo Newman: Stern Talking To, Ford Style:  I wish Doug Ford would give my daughter a stern talking to. Wow do they work.

Stern Talking To, Ford Style

 I wish Doug Ford would give my daughter a stern talking to. Wow do they work.

Helloooo Newman: Marshall Law

Helloooo Newman: Marshall Law: In a nod to Donald Trump, Marshall's department store is declaring marshall law in the United States.  Most shopping is fake shopping. T...

Marshall Law

In a nod to Donald Trump, Marshall's department store is declaring marshall law in the United States. 

Most shopping is fake shopping. The army will be brought in to make sure Christmas shopping is re-done, this time fairly.

Accompanied by soldiers, you are free to shop anywhere as long as it's at Marshall's.

Special penalties apply to male miscreants. Men will spend 24 hours locked in the candle section and forced to identify various scents. Then onto the bedroom department where they will, by brutal force, fold thousands of fitted mattress sheets. Neatness counts. Finally, to the container section, where they will be locked in containers of various sizes and shapes and sing Hail to the Chief.

Have a merry Marshall's Christmas.

Helloooo Newman: Moderna Times

Helloooo Newman: Moderna Times: Apparently the Moderna vaccine doesn't need to be kept in absolute freezing cold, like in the vagina of a dead witch.  You can store it ...

Moderna Times

Apparently the Moderna vaccine doesn't need to be kept in absolute freezing cold, like in the vagina of a dead witch. 

You can store it in your beer fridge. Isn't human progress wonderful?

Helloooo Newman: Lost for Words

Helloooo Newman: Lost for Words: Is it okay to wish someone merry lockdown? I want to include everyone. How about happy isolation? Guess I'll go with have fun prisoner #...

Lost for Words

Is it okay to wish someone merry lockdown? I want to include everyone. How about happy isolation? Guess I'll go with have fun prisoner #1434829-FCK.

Helloooo Newman: New Orders from Down Under

Helloooo Newman: New Orders from Down Under: In new orders coming down from HQ, the CIA will stop looking for Russian undercover agents and keep their eyes peeled for Russian underwear...

New Orders from Down Under

In new orders coming down from HQ, the CIA will stop looking for Russian undercover agents and keep their eyes peeled for Russian underwear agents. Working closely with Calvin Klein and Fruit of the Loom bodes well for success.

Helloooo Newman: The Two Most Magical English Words

Helloooo Newman: The Two Most Magical English Words: There are no two words like these words in the English language. They stand apart, but only when together.  Their likeness cannot be found i...

The Two Most Magical English Words

There are no two words like these words in the English language.

They stand apart, but only when together. 

Their likeness cannot be found in any of the other 500,000 or so English words.

To say them is to…

Oh fuck it. The words are: Mike Hunt.

Have you ever been in a store and asked the manager to call over the PA system for a Mike Hunt? Me neither.

When you say the magical words Mike Hunt together, it sounds like…see?

But wait. That's not the true magic. The true magic is in the timing. You can separate these two magical words by any stretch of time and they still sound like…see?

Go ahead. Try it. Say Mike right now. And then tomorrow, as you're wrapping your gifts with a coffee in your hand, singing carols and the children by your side at about 3:00 pm, say Hunt.

See?

Ben Dover? Phil McCracken?

Please. Child's play. Not the same.

Try it.

See?

Helloooo Newman: Made in China

Helloooo Newman: Made in China: If the virus was made in China, why does it work so well? Everything I get from China I have to return, assuming I can get it out of the pac...

Made in China

If the virus was made in China, why does it work so well? Everything I get from China I have to return, assuming I can get it out of the package.

And why did Amazon ship it here?

Helloooo Newman: Pharmaceutical Friends

Helloooo Newman: Pharmaceutical Friends: Okay, now I like big Pharma companies. Now that they're working to let me go to a bar for a goddamn beer. But only this one time. Normal...

Pharmaceutical Friends

Okay, now I like big Pharma companies. Now that they're working to let me go to a bar for a goddamn beer. But only this one time. Normally, you are evil, and don't forget it.

Helloooo Newman: Za Zdarovje

Helloooo Newman: Za Zdarovje: Russian scientists report that their vaccine, developed completely independently of the Western version, also has to be stored in a deep col...

Za Zdarovje

Russian scientists report that their vaccine, developed completely independently of the Western version, also has to be stored in a deep cold freezer.

Curiously, it must also be kept in a vodka bottle. And it kind a, sort a tastes like vodka.

But it's NOT vodka. Definitely not.

Tastes like it, but nope.

Not vodka.

Did we mention it's administered in drink form? And you must say za zdarovje afterwards (Russian for cheers).

Noooot vodka.*

* not vodka

Footnotes:

not vodka

Helloooo Newman: Canada's GHG Master Plan

Helloooo Newman: Canada's GHG Master Plan: In an effort to cut GHG emissions, Justin Trudeau's government calls on all Canadians to refer to Vin Diesel as Vin Electric. Not doing ...

Canada's GHG Master Plan

In an effort to cut GHG emissions, Justin Trudeau's government calls on all Canadians to refer to Vin Diesel as Vin Electric. Not doing so will be taxed at a high rate.

Helloooo Newman: Fun Phrases

Helloooo Newman: Fun Phrases:  Next time you see a Toronto cop, yell "Hey, I smell pulled pork" They love it

Fun Phrases

 Next time you see a Toronto cop, yell "Hey, I smell pulled pork"

They love it

Helloooo Newman: Mouth Wide Shut

Helloooo Newman: Mouth Wide Shut:  In an effort to reduce the Covid spread, Doug Ford's mouth will be isolated and quarantined.

Mouth Wide Shut

 In an effort to reduce the Covid spread, Doug Ford's mouth will be isolated and quarantined.

Helloooo Newman: New Diet

Helloooo Newman: New Diet:  I'm on a fancy new diet so instead of ordering from SkipTheDishes I went to SkipTheFood. Very nice containers.

New Diet

 I'm on a fancy new diet so instead of ordering from SkipTheDishes I went to SkipTheFood.

Very nice containers.

Helloooo Newman: A&W&C

Helloooo Newman: A&W&C: Might have Covid. They say you lose your sense of taste. It's my A&W corn dog nuggets. I'm missing that flavour of a pig's a...

A&W&C

Might have Covid. They say you lose your sense of taste. It's my A&W corn dog nuggets. I'm missing that flavour of a pig's aftershave.

Helloooo Newman: America the Beautiful

Helloooo Newman: America the Beautiful: Turns out America isn't about checks and balances, it's about cheques and bank balances.

America the Beautiful

Turns out America isn't about checks and balances, it's about cheques and bank balances.

Helloooo Newman: Postpardon Depression

Helloooo Newman: Postpardon Depression: The birth of America Okay everyone, huddle. Alrighty, so, we want to start a country based on the very cool concept of democracy. This means...

Postpardon Depression

The birth of America

Okay everyone, huddle.

Alrighty, so, we want to start a country based on the very cool concept of democracy. This means the Supreme Leader won't be so supreme. He can't do whatever the fuck he wants. He'll be accountable to the people and power will be shared. Sound good?

(crowd) Ya, yippee, yahoo.

(suggestion from the back) Let's give the leader the power to do whatever the fuck he wants and he can pardon himself.

All those that say aye?

(crowd) Ya, yippee, yahoo.

(centuries later) Postpardon depression sets in.