Helloooo Newman: Talk To You escaLATER

Helloooo Newman: Talk To You escaLATER: Here's an interesting topic I must confess I've never given much thought. Until this Christmas. When you step onto an escalator, w...

Talk To You escaLATER

Here's an interesting topic I must confess I've never given much thought. Until this Christmas.

When you step onto an escalator, what is the proper stair distance you should keep from the person in front of you?

I was shopping over the holidays and as I stepped onto the escalator stair, a person inserted themselves in a rather pell mell manner onto the step right behind mine. We were the only two people on the escalator.

For a short while it was a tense ride. I did what any clear thinking person would do in this situation. I farted.

Slowly and silently.

For a few seconds I think the entire mall believed the movie The Interview was playing nearby and this was a North Korean gas attack.

Nope. Just me defending my territory.

Perhaps he was a prying proctologist and he was assessing me as a potential client.

Tough day at the orifice, honey? Maybe he felt a little down in the "dumps" and needed some company.

I did the math and concluded you should be one and a half steps from the other person when the escalator is a moving sardine can, and at least 10 steps when there are only two people riding.

You're right, I could have just started walking up the escalator to extricate myself from the awkward ride. Farting was so much more fun, though.