How to Raise the Perfect Wife

I heard the Dog Whisperer is into a new line of work - how to raise your wife properly.

Okay, he's not. But he should be.

I get from reading his book How to Raise the Perfect Dog all kinds of excellent marriage advice.

In Chapter 4, called "Puppy Comes Home", General Cesar deals with the all-important issue of preventing separation anxiety.

The human equivalent Chapter Title would be "When My Marriage Begins." The advice is worth a gander, ladies.

Cesar discusses a dog named Angel, who had the hardest time when her owner would stay out late, leaving Angel to her own devices. Those devices included whining out of every window in the house, barking at pictures of her owner, scratching the screen and occasionally loading the family Uzi and intently studying "Uzi Does It" courses on Youtube.

The owner made the typical human mistake when he got home – he went to Angel and started to coo, and woowoo, and dopey doh, and "it's okay, good girl."

Bad human. By reacting kindly, the owner is just reinforcing Angel's use of the Uzi. I don't mind if my 9-year-old daughter uses an Uzi, but my dog? Never!

General Cesar says you must be calm and assertive, communicating to the dog, "I don't agree with your behaviour. I want you to relax."

I employ this sage advice in my marriage.

It's 3 a.m., there's a pile of vomit in the backyard and I am just about to enter the bedroom. My wife is upset, was probably screaming from every window but, on the bright side, does not hold an Uzi.

Now, you tell me. Am I suppose to reward this behaviour with an apology? "It's okay honey woney, I'm home now, I'm sorry, good girl."

I think not. So I be calm, assertive and drunk. Very quickly, of course, because I soon fall asleep.

"I don't agree with your behaviour, honey. I want you to relax." Zzzzzzzzzzzz…

Angel, and my wife, don't understand that this treatment is ultimately good for them.

That's okay. I am very patient with my wife.