Helloooo Newman: DNA test

Helloooo Newman: DNA test: Got my DNA tested last week. It passed as human. It said I'm white, male, guilty of all historical crimes and should avoid wearing cargo...

DNA test

Got my DNA tested last week. It passed as human.

It said I'm white, male, guilty of all historical crimes and should avoid wearing cargo pants with dress shoes.

Helloooo Newman: Power grab

Helloooo Newman: Power grab: The horror. The horror. If I were POTUS, I wouldn't invade a country and steal their oil. How last century is that? I'd steal their ...

Power grab

The horror. The horror.

If I were POTUS, I wouldn't invade a country and steal their oil. How last century is that?

I'd steal their solar power. No one ever does that.

You know who's the largest producer of solar energy?

China.

Let's invade and take their solar panels. I would ship them to the U.S. via Amazon. Of course I'd ask for next day delivery. But don't leave them on the White House porch. Porch pirates everywhere. We'll store them in the ballroom.

Let's also steal all their batteries. There must be billions of batteries in China.

Let's steal their coal too. You know who's the biggest producer of coal power?

China.

While we're there, let's steal all their MSG. I love that shit. Dip my wings in it.

You know who's the biggest producer of MSG?

China.

Hmmm. Looks like there's lots of solid reasons to invade China.

Lastly, there's bundt cake. I love a good bundt cake. Everyone overlooks bundt cake as a good reason for invasion.

You know who's the biggest producer of bundt cake.

America.

Oh, shit. Okay, can we invade ourselves?