Helloooo Newman: Under the influencer

Helloooo Newman: Under the influencer: If I'm an influencer and a cop stops me for drinking and driving, am I allowed to be under the influence? Or, since I'm the influenc...

Under the influencer

If I'm an influencer and a cop stops me for drinking and driving, am I allowed to be under the influence? Or, since I'm the influencer, maybe he's under the influence?

Dunno, but interesting.

I await the Supreme Court ruling.

Helloooo Newman: Grand opening and closing

Helloooo Newman: Grand opening and closing: The Eglinton LRT is scheduled to open January 1. It's also closed January 1 because it's a holiday. January 2 onwards it's close...

Grand opening and closing

The Eglinton LRT is scheduled to open January 1. It's also closed January 1 because it's a holiday. January 2 onwards it's closed for track work.

Enjoy your ride.

Helloooo Newman: This street is closed

Helloooo Newman: This street is closed: A guy I know complained that I wasn't being a good friend. Didn't call him enough. Said friendship was a two-way street. A two-way s...

This street is closed

A guy I know complained that I wasn't being a good friend. Didn't call him enough.

Said friendship was a two-way street.

A two-way street? With the traffic in this city? Are you ill?

My friendship doesn't ride on streets that are clogged with cars and trucks and buses and e-bikes and scooters and cold food in a bag and gunfire and broken down buses. Want me to call you? Sorry, this street is closed for repairs.

My friendship skills aren't even a one-way street.

They're better described by the Eglinton Crosstown LRT. 

Sorry, not open yet. Still building. And if it opens, it's closed for repairs.

Talk soon.

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks: My favourite restaurant

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks: My favourite restaurant: Starbucks used to be for coffee. Now it's a place for people who crave a banana split and some caffeine. It's really a DQ for tired ...

Starbucks: My favourite restaurant

Starbucks used to be for coffee. Now it's a place for people who crave a banana split and some caffeine.

It's really a DQ for tired people.

Some girl in there ordered half sugar? What are you, a half-wit? The sugar's already in everything. Even sugar coated coffee beans. Can I get double insulin?

Maybe it's even a restaurant. Incredibly, they offer a creme brûlée latte. That's flat-out dessert. I'll start with the caesar salad smoothie, the t-bone espresso, medium rare and the creme brûlée latte. Not a bad meal for $100.

And all the stupid names. Grande. Skinny latte. Is this a good time to be mentioning people's weight?

I'll have the skinny egg white sandwich and a fat beer.

Yesterday I asked the girl for a skinny ariana grande. Not just skinny. Starving. Undernourished. I have to lie down grande. Unconscious.

They don't offer that, she said.

Helloooo Newman: That's so gifty

Helloooo Newman: That's so gifty: What I want for Xmas, if you're shopping for me. I'm the same size as JC

That's so gifty

What I want for Xmas, if you're shopping for me.

I'm the same size as JC

Helloooo Newman: Ambulatory Alert

Helloooo Newman: Ambulatory Alert: The heads of the TTC and Metrolinx were seen crying over a beer and wondering why ridership was down after telling customers to fuck off and...

Ambulatory Alert

The heads of the TTC and Metrolinx were seen crying over a beer and wondering why ridership was down after telling customers to fuck off and walk home.

Helloooo Newman: TTC learns baseball

Helloooo Newman: TTC learns baseball: The TTC apologizes for the lousy service Saturday night after the Jays game. They learned that baseball players can be made to walk the base...

TTC learns baseball

The TTC apologizes for the lousy service Saturday night after the Jays game.

They learned that baseball players can be made to walk the bases, so naturally they assumed they could make their customers walk too.

What baseball fans! What Toronto spirit!