Helloooo Newman: By a nose

Helloooo Newman: By a nose:  Trump, if he looked the other way.

By a nose

 Trump, if he looked the other way.

Helloooo Newman: Sniping

Helloooo Newman: Sniping: Did they have to hire the one sniper who came last in his class?  Was the budget not big enough? Remember, practice makes perfect. Is it too...

Sniping

Did they have to hire the one sniper who came last in his class? 

Was the budget not big enough?

Remember, practice makes perfect.

Is it too soon?

Nah!

Helloooo Newman: Lemonade Control Board of Ontario

Helloooo Newman: Lemonade Control Board of Ontario: I'm so glad the LCBO strike is over. And children's lemonade stands won the right to sell liquor. What a step forward. As long as 50...

Lemonade Control Board of Ontario

I'm so glad the LCBO strike is over.

And children's lemonade stands won the right to sell liquor. What a step forward. As long as 5000 lemonade stands stay open, the kids get $50/hr and no one else can sell lemonade.

Congratulations, Ontario.

I'll have a J&B on the rocks.

Jelly Beans on the rocks?

Helloooo Newman: Oxy

Helloooo Newman: Oxy: Well, with it being so hard to find liquor, I roamed the streets looking for a hit. Bought some Oxy from a guy in a parking garage downtown....

Oxy

Well, with it being so hard to find liquor, I roamed the streets looking for a hit.

Bought some Oxy from a guy in a parking garage downtown.

Turns out he ripped me off.

It wasn't OxyContin.

It was OxyMoron.

I've never felt more conflicted in my life. 

Guess I'm the moron.

Helloooo Newman: The science of liquor

Helloooo Newman: The science of liquor: Hey, how about the Science Centre sells liquor? Bet you they'd open it now!

The science of liquor

Hey, how about the Science Centre sells liquor?

Bet you they'd open it now!

Helloooo Newman: Striking out on their own

Helloooo Newman: Striking out on their own: I was speaking to one of my best friends, Jim Beam, this morning. He's bummed. Out of a job. Went on a bender. Was caught by the police ...

Striking out on their own

I was speaking to one of my best friends, Jim Beam, this morning.

He's bummed. Out of a job. Went on a bender. Was caught by the police with a 40% alcohol content in his body. The problem is he keeps his emotions all bottled up. He's angry.

But not as angry as my wild friend Jack (Daniels). He travelled all the way from Tennessee to work here. He's losing it, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He always thought it should have been called The Moonshining. He drowns himself in spirits to forget.

You should have heard what Johnnie (Walker) screamed at me. It's mighty hard for him to sit on a shelf all day, walking, albeit crookedly, being in his nature. And now his colleagues walk out on him. Left high a dry.

How would you feel if you were like my buddy Morgan, who's achieved the status of Captain? He's yelling, "who put you in charge?" in a voice matching Hudson from Aliens. "Rum in your tum tum" he kept singing. Who knows when he'll see a stomach again.

One vodka I was chilling with is pissed to the Absolut. Smirnoff is changing his name to Pissedoff. Chartreuse was so blotto he kept singing "chartreuse micro-bus" from Blinded by the Light. Poor Kahlua was going through this all by himself. Too much of him and you feel sick.

Last I saw them, they were all crammed on a shelf and planning to strike out on their own.

Sounds like an excellent idea!

Helloooo Newman: The two-step down

Helloooo Newman: The two-step down: Please wake me when it's over Please re-elect me   Two of these leaders need to step down now. Can you guess which two?

The two-step down

Please wake me when it's over

Please re-elect me

 

Two of these leaders need to step down now. Can you guess which two?