Every day this week I've been admiring the Clean and Jerk.
For teenage readers, this is not to be confused with the jerk-off and clean-up. For more info, please visit my other site: Teen Issues Involving Tissues.
The Clean and Jerk is the weightlifting event at the Olympics. Professional weightlifters lift, on average, about 175 kilograms (386 pounds).
Wow, that is impressive. I bet you didn't know I tried out to be an Olympic weightlifter.
How can that be, you ask? I'm the guy who buys my beer in six-packs because the twofer is two times too heavy.
I have a system. And it would have worked, if the Olympic officials weren't so fussy.
I'm sure you've all heard those stories of people who lift an entire car to free their trapped baby, who's lollygagging under the tires. Somewhere deep inside themselves they find the strength of ten Clean and Jerks and heave the car up to rescue little Junior.
So I visited the Olympic Officials:
Me: I want the Clean and Jerk.
Official: Well, sir, usually we don't let people enter who weigh less than the bar that holds the weights.
Me: I have a system.
Official: I see, And what is it?
Me: I'll need a live baby.
Official: I beggin' your pardon, sir?
Me: A live baby. To put under the weights. I see the baby, panic, naturally I want to save it, lift the weights, win the competition.
Official: Ah. A wonderful idea. Unfortunately no one under 16, or trapped under heavy weights, is allowed to compete.
Me: Jerk!
Me: Jerk!
