What Constitutes a Healthy Marriage?

Men and women have been asking this question since before marriage was an institution.

I have been married for countless years (meaning I've lost count) and so, naturally, I'm an expert on the topic.

I also have no idea what the answer is.

Perhaps the problem lies in the terms we use. The use of the word "healthy" in this context presents some problems.

The word "healthy" is great to use for things like blood pressure, or erectile dysfunction.

We assign numbers to blood pressure - 120 over 80 - and that unequivocally constitutes healthy blood pressure. Higher numbers mean higher blood pressure. The numbers are what they are.

Erectile dysfunction is even easier to diagnose, and you don't have to be an expert to figure it out.

You log onto assofmine.com, wait a couple of seconds and check for two conditions: hard or soft.

Keep in mind I'm not an expert on erectile dysfunction. Only recently, through the extensive research I do for this blog, did I find out that you can get porn on the internet.

If only a healthy marriage were this easy to diagnose. But the situation isn't completely hopeless.

Perhaps one way to tell if you have a healthy marriage is by the kinds of day-to-day issues you have to struggle with.

Are they earth-shattering problems that will tear the family apart? Or are they on the more mundane side of life?

Here's an example. Yesterday my wife challenged me with this question: "Did you change the ring tone on your iPhone? Or the text notification sound?"

I immediately felt like Newman, having done something wrong with not a clue as to what is was.

My ears dropped. "Not that I remember", I said in a profoundly weak, verging on guilty, voice.

"Well", she explained, "you have to change your ring tone because it's the same as mine and I'm running around the house answering your messages".

Does this remind you of Pavlov's dog, like it did for me? We all run around at the ping sound on our phones.

When I first set up my iPhone I happened to be eating onion rings from The Burger Shack. Now every time I hear the ping, I crave onion rings. This is not good. I will not be getting into that two piece bathing suite in July.

The good news is that dealing with issues like my iPhone ping is really quite easy.

That's what makes it a wonderful marriage. Well, at least until my wife reads this blog.