Helloooo Newman: Binary Code

Helloooo Newman: Binary Code:  My computer code has come out as non-binary.

Binary Code

 My computer code has come out as non-binary.

Helloooo Newman: Technology

Helloooo Newman: Technology: It's time that Dora the Explorer uses Google Maps. Or Waze. Whichever. Get with it, Dora.

Technology

It's time that Dora the Explorer uses Google Maps. Or Waze. Whichever.

Get with it, Dora.

Helloooo Newman: Failed State

Helloooo Newman: Failed State: Headline in the news: Armed citizens and mercenaries clash. Just another day in Sudan. Shit, sorry. Wait a minute. This was in the United St...

Failed State

Headline in the news: Armed citizens and mercenaries clash.

Just another day in Sudan.

Shit, sorry. Wait a minute. This was in the United States.

Got my failed states mixed up.

Helloooo Newman: Ask Not For Whom the Death Tolls

Helloooo Newman: Ask Not For Whom the Death Tolls: A recent poll on the Covid death toll finds that 57% of Republicans think the current number of dead is acceptable. The other 43% feel it sh...

Ask Not For Whom the Death Tolls

A recent poll on the Covid death toll finds that 57% of Republicans think the current number of dead is acceptable. The other 43% feel it should be higher.

Helloooo Newman: Car Food

Helloooo Newman: Car Food: Bought some wings from the grocery store and by the time I got home they were all ready to eat out of the trunk of my car. Must be hot out.

Car Food

Bought some wings from the grocery store and by the time I got home they were all ready to eat out of the trunk of my car. Must be hot out.

Helloooo Newman: Steppe

Helloooo Newman: Steppe:  What happens if I take my step counter to the Eurasian Steppe?

Steppe

 What happens if I take my step counter to the Eurasian Steppe?

Helloooo Newman: Books on Tape

Helloooo Newman: Books on Tape: As if duct tape didn't have enough useful uses, you can now buy books on duct tape. That's right. Read Jane Eyre on duct tape and t...

Books on Tape

As if duct tape didn't have enough useful uses, you can now buy books on duct tape.

That's right. Read Jane Eyre on duct tape and then fix the cracked toilet seat.

A great world…getting better.

Helloooo Newman: I'm So Tired

Helloooo Newman: I'm So Tired:  I'm so tired I need other people to nap for me.

I'm So Tired

 I'm so tired I need other people to nap for me.

Helloooo Newman: Anti-Vaxxer

Helloooo Newman: Anti-Vaxxer: From the man who poisons his enemies around the world, V. Putin, comes a covid vaccine to save your life. Suddenly I'm an anti-vaxxer.

Anti-Vaxxer

From the man who poisons his enemies around the world, V. Putin, comes a covid vaccine to save your life.

Suddenly I'm an anti-vaxxer.

Helloooo Newman: Mount Rush Me Outta Here

Helloooo Newman: Mount Rush Me Outta Here: Upon hearing that it's been suggested President Trump have his face carved into the solid granite of Mount Rushmore, the four famous fac...

Mount Rush Mortified

Upon hearing that it's been suggested President Trump have his face carved into the solid granite of Mount Rushmore, the four famous faces have demanded to be moved.

In their desperation to leave the landmark mountain, the four President's have begun to cry human tears, and won't stop until moved to a better location. Scientists fear that the acidity of human tears will wear away at the granite, causing acne, rosacea and pock marks, possibly looking worse than Keith Richards.

Said Abe Lincoln: Look, I appreciate the honour. Freeing the slaves was really hard, even though many Republicans still yearn for those days. But I've had it with this Trump thing. Put me on a PEZ dispenser if you have to. I'll take a bobblehead. Maybe a door knocker. Just get me outta here.

Safety First

We at Helloooo Newman want you to know that your safety is our top concern. Normally it would be money, but we don't make any.

As such, we only write covid-free articles. You should also read 6 feet from your screen, have a mask on, a bottle of bleach handy and a hypodermic needle. You cannot come into our house and read articles. We have a drive-thru for desperate people, but you'll have to explain to all the traffic why you're stopping. Speak into our tree.

We want you to know that we are all in this together. That means if you see us on the street, stay the fuck away.

Like all difficult times, this too shall pass. However, my readership is way up, so…well, go, vaccine, go.

Remember, after every storm comes a rainbow. Unless it's a huge flood and tornado, and then probably it's a rainbow trout in your living room.

Helloooo Newman: Safety First

Helloooo Newman: Safety First: We at Helloooo Newman want you to know that your safety is our top concern. Normally it would be money, but we don't make any. As such,...

Helloooo Newman: Musketeers No More

Helloooo Newman: Musketeers No More: They're not happy with it, but until everyone gets the vaccine, they are willing to go by the Three Masketeers.

Musketeers No More

They're not happy with it, but until everyone gets the vaccine, they are willing to go by the Three Masketeers.

Bucket List

I like to put really dangerous activities on my bucket list. Makes me feel alive.

This week's challenge: getting a haircut.

Helloooo Newman: Bucket List

Helloooo Newman: Bucket List: I like to put really dangerous activities on my bucket list. Makes me feel alive. This week's challenge: getting my haircut.

Helloooo Newman: Failed State

Helloooo Newman: Failed State: The WHO has declared the United States a failed state. Asks Roger Daltrey: Who the fuck are you?

Failed State

The WHO has declared the United States a failed state.

Asks Roger Daltrey: Who the fuck are you?

Helloooo Newman: The Second Coming

Helloooo Newman: The Second Coming: Donald Trump is in negotiations with Jesus Christ to delay the upcoming election along with the second coming. Jesus is totally on board wit...

The Second Coming

Donald Trump is in negotiations with Jesus Christ to delay the upcoming election along with the second coming. Jesus is totally on board with the delay, being the dictator he his. 

Said Jesus: "Not only will the election be rigged, so will my returning. You know how easy it is to buy a fake beard and nails for your hands? Fake coming, that's what that is. By the way, if I don't like what you did, you'll burn in hell. But I love you too."

Helloooo Newman: An American Education

Helloooo Newman: An American Education: So…there's this doctor on CNN. He was there to advise on how they should respond to the covid crisis. Seems like a smart guy. Smarter th...

An American Education

So…there's this doctor on CNN. He was there to advise on how they should respond to the covid crisis.

Seems like a smart guy. Smarter than me, obviously. Perhaps I could get a Doctorate in Zythology (the study of beer), but even that's iffy. There'd be a lot of beer pressure to drink…beer.

This doctor is in his 70s, I would guess. When asked what he thought of the government's response to covid, he said, "Well, it reminds me of the three Ds. Distressing, depressing, and as we like to say in my family, D-U-M, DUM."

Now, I'm no Road's Scholar, as I've said. Not even a beaten-up-path Scholar or a back-alleyway-where-hookers-hang-out scholar.

But I'm smart enough to see dumb. 

Maybe he was thinking of "dum" or "dumdum" bullets. Those are bullets that explode on impact.

Now that's something every American can spell.

Helloooo Newman: Comrade Covid

Helloooo Newman: Comrade Covid: Vlad Putin just announced that Russia will have a covid vaccine for the world by August 10th. Coincidentally, Russia will run out of vodka a...

Comrade Covid

Vlad Putin just announced that Russia will have a covid vaccine for the world by August 10th. Coincidentally, Russia will run out of vodka at midnight on August 9th.

Helloooo Newman: Democratic Virus

Helloooo Newman: Democratic Virus: In a surprise announcement, the trillions of corona virus in the US will vote as a group for the democrats. Shocking, since all their suppor...

Democratic Virus

In a surprise announcement, the trillions of corona virus in the US will vote as a group for the democrats. Shocking, since all their support comes from Republican politicians.

Said 5 million virus, who represent the group: "Even we know how dangerous we are. You won't hear this on the news but we wear masks around each other. It's a no-brainer".

Republicans refuse to allow the virus to mail in their votes.

Helloooo Newman: Fitting In

Helloooo Newman: Fitting In: I've recently starting taking CBD oil just to fit in.

Fitting In

I've recently starting taking CBD oil just to fit in.

Helloooo Newman: cognidiot

Helloooo Newman: cognidiot: It's certainly not for certain, but it seems more and more Americans would rather live than vote Republican. Scientists are studying thi...

cognidiot

It's certainly not for certain, but it seems more and more Americans would rather live than vote Republican. Scientists are studying this strange phenomenon.

At the same time he's calling for less covid testing, Donald Trump wants to ramp up cognitive testing. "We're the best cognitive testers in the world. There's nothing else like it anywhere." When asked how he did on his cognitive test, he answered, "I tested negative", presumably confusing it with a covid test. Trump suggests the cognitive test should demand the individual say "yo, stop or I'll shoot" backwards, forwards and holding an AR-15.

President Trump fully supports contact tracing. "Last week I traced a picture of an aircraft carrier. Very detailed. All those little planes and radars. Took 5 days. You could attack a country with this tracing. More people should do it."

The FBI has discovered that Mitch McConnell is hoarding potential covid vaccine in his neck. Mr. McConnell also has the distinction of being declared the whitest person in history.

Helloooo Newman: The Masked Blogger

Helloooo Newman: The Masked Blogger: Finally, masks are mandatory. About time.  Pretty smart of me to keep my mask from SARS days. Some laughed. No more.

The Masked Blogger

Finally, masks are mandatory. About time. 

Pretty smart of me to keep my mask from SARS days.

Some laughed. No more.

One Small Step for Man

It's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Ontarians.

Yes, the province that once required you to fill out a form (name and phone number) to buy beer now allows you to drink on a patio WITHOUT a child-proof fence surrounding you – protecting you from certain death.

That means people are drinking on…the streets.

Maybe some day the LCBO can be called what it really is…a LIQUOUR store.

Shhhhhhh.

Helloooo Newman: One Small Step for Man

Helloooo Newman: One Small Step for Man: It's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Ontarians. Yes, the province that once required you to fill out a form (name and phone...

Helloooo Newman: Free Energy

Helloooo Newman: Free Energy: I don't get why I have to conserve energy. The first law of thermodynamics tells us energy is already conserved. The second law of the...

Free Energy

I don't get why I have to conserve energy. The first law of thermodynamics tells us energy is already conserved.

The second law of thermodynamics tells us that entropy, or disorder, always increases. This explains the hair constantly growing in my ears and not on my head.

The third law is too confusing and I'm tired from thinking.

Helloooo Newman: Bean Counter

Helloooo Newman: Bean Counter: I've never been a fan of predictions. They're like assholes. Everyone's got one, and the vast majority stink. People suck at m...

Bean Counter

I've never been a fan of predictions. They're like assholes. Everyone's got one, and the vast majority stink.

People suck at making accurate predictions. And you know who's the worst at predicting? Experts, believe it or not. Yup. Research shows that experts over-analyze and tend to discount the importance of random, out-of-the-blue events.

Having said all this, I'm kind of proud that I predicted a president of the United States would some day, from the Oval Office, peddle a can of beans with a huge smile on his leader-of-the-free-world face. 

It wasn't a perfect prediction. I wasn't sure which president, or which brand of beans. If I'm honest, I didn't even know the type of bean. No one can predict with that kind of accuracy. But somehow I just knew it was gonna happen.

Wait until you see what's coming next.

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Defunding

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Defunding: I wish people would gather in large groups and call for defunding my wife's VISA card.

The Importance of Defunding

I wish people would gather in large groups and call for defunding my wife's VISA card.