Helloooo Newman: X Æ A-12

Helloooo Newman: X Æ A-12: Oh, you're wondering about the title, right? That's the name of Elon Musk's new baby. You didn't know that? It's pronoun...

Oh, you're wondering about the title, right?

That's the name of Elon Musk's new baby. You didn't know that?

It's pronounced…

X Æ A-12

They were going to call him Dave but were afraid other kids would make fun of him.

He's doing very well. He can go up to ten steps on every charge (5 steps on stairs) and poops lithium, which keeps the diaper count down.

They were hoping for a Model X baby but a defect in the manufacturing process gave them a S Model.

He will also raise himself, unless something goes wrong and his entire life crashes and burns.

Good luck, Elon and baby.

Helloooo Newman: Borderline

Helloooo Newman: Borderline: Trudeau is considering imposing tough border restrictions from India due to a variant spreading like wildfire. Rest assured, once the varian...

Borderline

Trudeau is considering imposing tough border restrictions from India due to a variant spreading like wildfire. Rest assured, once the variant arrives here, he'll make a decision.

To quote the great Madonna – you just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.

Meanwhile, we all feel better after Ford's tearful apology. Finally, he's brining in paid sick leave. Please feel free to use this yourself, Doug.

Are you mortified? No, You're Fordified.

Helloooo Newman: Elephant Man

Helloooo Newman: Elephant Man:  New research shows that 99% of the time, the elephant in the room is Doug Ford.

Elephant Man

 New research shows that 99% of the time, the elephant in the room is Doug Ford.

Helloooo Newman: Signs of Spring

Helloooo Newman: Signs of Spring: Springtime in Ontario. Good to see the parks empty and the warehouses full of workers. Costco is only allowed 25% capacity, which puts the n...

Signs of Spring

Springtime in Ontario. Good to see the parks empty and the warehouses full of workers.

Costco is only allowed 25% capacity, which puts the number of customers at about 1,500. 

25 is an important number in Canada.

Canada is 25th in vaccine delivery to people's arms. 

25% of Trudeau's beard is grey hair so we can pretend he's mature enough to take care of us.

25 is the number in centimetres of Doug the Slug's biceps so he can be the tough guy that sics cops on people driving their car. Keep in mind the government gives billions to car companies when we don't buy enough cars and then pleads with us to buy more cars and when we buy the cars the cops stop us and ask us what the hell we think we're doing driving a car oh officer I'm getting food can't you tell I'm hungry well then why don't you walk to the store because then we'll stop buying cars and the government will get mad at us.

Was that a run on sentence I think it was because it seems kinda long and maybe a little meandering.

25 is the number of reasons Canadians have to move to New Zealand.

Helloooo Newman: Travel Log

Helloooo Newman: Travel Log: I miss travelling so much that I'm forced to watch Border Security just for the thrill of being at an airport. I'd even be okay with...

Travel Log

I miss travelling so much that I'm forced to watch Border Security just for the thrill of being at an airport. I'd even be okay with being searched and they find cocaine balls up my butt and force me to crap them out. At least I'm travelling.

Helloooo Newman: You Can't Lock Jesus Down

Helloooo Newman: You Can't Lock Jesus Down: In case you haven't noticed, I ain't getting any younger. Yup – wheelchair ramps, gum disease and a body shaped like ginger root are...

You Can't Lock Jesus Down

In case you haven't noticed, I ain't getting any younger. Yup – wheelchair ramps, gum disease and a body shaped like ginger root are in my near future.

Who, you might ask, will inherit this comedy empire I've single-handedly built from the sewer up.

My brilliant daughter, obviously.

Case in point –

On day one of a new stay-at-home order we see a man wandering the hood holding up a sign saying "Jesus is the one, the way blah blah blah" and other complete mumbo jumbo.

I was aghast. "Well, you can't lock Jesus down", I said.

My daughter responded, "Nope. You can nail him down, though."

I laughed so hard I threw up my Hawkins Cheezies. They're expensive.

I can rest easy knowing the empire is in good hands.

Hey Jesus, if you don't have any vaccine, stay home.

Helloooo Newman: Captain Kirk to the Rescue

Helloooo Newman: Captain Kirk to the Rescue: Doug the Slug is trying to find a respirator large enough to keep Ontario alive. From his cottage, of course. Meanwhile, Trudeau is wonderin...

Captain Kirk to the Rescue

Doug the Slug is trying to find a respirator large enough to keep Ontario alive. From his cottage, of course.

Meanwhile, Trudeau is wondering if we can bypass needles and set our Pfizers to kill to defeat the Covid monster. From his cottage, of course.

Meanwhile, Sunnybrook is almost finished setting up a few tent hospitals to handle extra sick people, a full year and a half after we heard about the virus. Now that's a good dose of Preparation H(ospital).

SNAFU

Helloooo Newman: April Fools Canada Style

Helloooo Newman: April Fools Canada Style: April 19 - Every American over 18 can book a vaccine April 19 - Hey Ontario, stay home and read a book

April Fools Canada Style

April 19 - Every American over 18 can book a vaccine

April 19 - Hey Ontario, stay home and read a book

Open and Closed Case

When Doug Ford was elected, I thought the only thing we have to worry about was his mouth opening and closing. I had no idea it would be the entire province.

Helloooo Newman: Open and Closed Case

Helloooo Newman: Open and Closed Case: When Doug Ford was elected, I thought the only thing we have to sorry about was his mouth opening and closing. I had no idea it would be the...

Helloooo Newman: Typecasting

Helloooo Newman: Typecasting:  Well, since I can't get my haircut, I guess I'll play Jesus in the Easter play. I was hoping to play against type.

Typecasting

 Well, since I can't get my haircut, I guess I'll play Jesus in the Easter play.

I was hoping to play against type.

Helloooo Newman: Reboots

Helloooo Newman: Reboots: Doug Ford starts in a reboot of the popular film The Punisher . Called The Punisher: Easter Weekend , Doug iron-fists a city to behave and i...

Reboots

Doug Ford starts in a reboot of the popular film The Punisher. Called The Punisher: Easter Weekend, Doug iron-fists a city to behave and if they don't, he'll hide their Easter eggs. He also has rabbit for dinner Easter Sunday. Jesus makes a rare cameo, doing nothing to help the human race.

A reboot of the original Star Trek is in the works.
Kirk: Spock, it's a planet full of people giving each other needles.
Spock: Vaccinating, Captain.

Helloooo Newman: Amazoptions

Helloooo Newman: Amazoptions: Amazon needs more options in their delivery service. A little box to check that says: yes, I'd love my shower curtain rings in 24 hours,...

Amazoptions

Amazon needs more options in their delivery service. A little box to check that says: yes, I'd love my shower curtain rings in 24 hours, but I'd also like it wrapped in packaging that doesn't take 24 hours to dismantle. 

Without this option, that's two days it takes for me to get my product. One day on a ship stuck in the Suez Canal and one day with me, a bow torch and some semtex.

Helloooo Newman: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

Helloooo Newman: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?:  Doug Ford, who trims his hair with a wood chipper, will let me get my haircut?

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

 Doug Ford, who trims his hair with a wood chipper, will let me get my haircut?

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: The Biden Administration just fired 5 people for past weed use. Two more people were fired for colouring outside the lines in kindergarten, ...

Wit Bits

The Biden Administration just fired 5 people for past weed use. Two more people were fired for colouring outside the lines in kindergarten, four are on leave for being lousy parallel parkers, three were yelled at by Janet Yellen for photocopying their butts, and the First dog was scolded for biting. Keep up the good work, Joe.

I was gonna try CBD drops but Joe Biden told me it's a gateway drop.

I got together with 9 couples and felt like a nineteenth wheel.

Hey John Tory, I know you're trying to convince us that you're a working class type of guy who isn't rich and suffers from the pandemic like the rest of us by not cutting your hair, but if you appear in public again, please cut your hair. These times are tough enough.

Did you know Russia has the deepest lake in the world? Well, some of that water got in Putin's panties cuz he's really upset about being called a killer. Putin didn't deny it and, in fact, admitted that The Killers is on his playlist.

Helloooo Newman: A Cut Below

Helloooo Newman: A Cut Below: Need a haircut in Toronto? Here's an idea. Go to a Costco and mingle around with 100 other crammed-in, heavy-breathing members of the pu...

A Cut Below

Need a haircut in Toronto? Here's an idea.

Go to a Costco and mingle around with 100 other crammed-in, heavy-breathing members of the public for a couple of hours, who have previously been lined up for 2 hours, which is allowed, and then buy some barber scissors, on sale beside the tower of toilet paper.

Then approach one of the Costco employees, who is probably a hairdresser because they aren't allowed to work at their actual job, sneak behind the 100 gallon jar of cashews and get your hair done.

Here's what you shouldn't do. Go to a hair salon and spend 20 minutes with just yourself and the hairdresser, just two people in an entire store, masks on, and get your hair cut.

Helloooo Newman: Is This Why Humanity Won't Survive?

Helloooo Newman: Is This Why Humanity Won't Survive?: I received a letter from my car insurance company in the mail today. It's a letter, printed on paper, thanking me for choosing the NO-PA...

Is This Why Humanity Won't Survive?

I received a letter from my car insurance company in the mail today. It's a letter, printed on paper, thanking me for choosing the NO-PAPER option in all our correspondence.

Just in case I mistook this piece of paper for an actual piece of paper, which it is, they printed the words NO PAPER in huge type in the top right corner. 

I'm really trying hard to pretend this piece of paper isn't actually a piece of paper. Maybe the words THIS IS NOT PAPER YOU'RE HOLDING, DUMMY would have sold it better. 

Right now I'm just not really convinced. I did some acting when I was younger, but no matter what I do, like gain 50 pounds or live in a pulp and paper mill for 6 months, I can't prepare myself for this role of acting like I'm not holding a piece of paper that I am, in fact, holding.

I wonder if De Niro would be able to handle a difficult role like this. How would he approach it? One could consult a mime expert, but then it's not like you're pretending to hold a piece of paper. You are actually holding a piece of paper, and pretending not to, or not to notice you are. It's reverse mime. Are there any reverse mime experts out there?

BTW, if you signed up for the NO-PAPER version of this blog, you will receive your paper copy in the mail within 6 weeks.

Thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Postcards from the Cringe

Helloooo Newman: Postcards from the Cringe: Hey Canadians, have you received your free postcard yet? Every Canadian gets one. It's about time. In case you're confused, they&#39...

Postcards from the Cringe

Hey Canadians, have you received your free postcard yet? Every Canadian gets one.

It's about time. In case you're confused, they're meant to mail out to keep in touch with people in these tough times. I've been using my phone, Zoom and FaceTime, but I guess I'm the only one doing that. I should stop all that nonsense.

I'm glad there's no contradiction between stay-at-home orders and going out to mail a postcard.

Still, it's a big savings, which I'll put towards the ever-increasing price of groceries.

Here's an idea. Send it to your MP and ask them to mail some vaccine.

I bet I can guess what's in your recycle box next week.

Helloooo Newman: The Decay of Western Civilization

Helloooo Newman: The Decay of Western Civilization: They say that Western Civilization is in decay, and has been for a while. I didn't believe it, until today. My daughter came home from t...

The Decay of Western Civilization

They say that Western Civilization is in decay, and has been for a while.

I didn't believe it, until today. My daughter came home from the dentist with 10 cavities. That's one-third of society, I mean of my daughter's teeth.

I thought the decay would be caused by declining morals, greed and unbridled sex but apparently it's caused by chocolate bars, weed gummy bears and Monster energy drinks.

The decaying of Western Civilization is very expensive.

Helloooo Newman: What is Comedy?

Helloooo Newman: What is Comedy?: A famous writer once said that in comedy, there's always a victim. In this case, it's you for reading this blog.

What is Comedy?

A famous writer once said that in comedy, there's always a victim. In this case, it's you for reading this blog.

Helloooo Newman: Masked Dancer

Helloooo Newman: Masked Dancer:  The show The Masked Dancer will now be filmed on location on top of Rush Limbaugh's grave.

Masked Dancer

 The show The Masked Dancer will now be filmed on location on top of Rush Limbaugh's grave.

Open Letter to President Biden

Hey Mister President Biden. How's it goin', eh?

Yup. I'm Canadian. That's why I'm writing.

It's been just over a month and, oh boy, you are getting shit done. You've reversed a lot of the crap from what's his name, and I just read that you are on track to offer the vaccine to any American who wants it by April.

I understand you had your first convo with our leader, the kid with the beard. I bet he pleaded with you for some vaccine, am I right? You see, he didn't get the memo about 6 months ago that vaccines were quickly being developed and the best way to administer them is to actually have them around. It's part of his Canada Last plan, kind of the opposite of your plan.

I hope you set him straight. When you said the pipeline was being cancelled, he thought you meant the pipeline to getting vaccine, and he hates pipelines so naturally he was happy.

Tell you what. Our leader is busy in his cottage calling the Prime Minister of India, trying to bum some vaccine off of him. I'm not sure I would have done that, since he has 1.3 billion people to take care of. Canada's population fits in the average Indian mall.

Send the vaccine to my address. I'll make sure they get out pronto. That's my Trudeau Last policy.

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Apple

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Apple: Thank you, Apple. When I updated to your new OS, Catalina (a beautiful island off California) , I didn't really expect you to help me i...

Thank You, Apple

Thank you, Apple.

When I updated to your new OS, Catalina (a beautiful island off California), I didn't really expect you to help me increase my productivity. Did someone tell you that? I hope not, because the last thing I wanted was to increase the ease with which I can work.

No. Instead, I hoped you would take all my working files, the files that are part of my job and make me money, and bury them deep within 10,000 folders located somewhere in the digital Amazon Jungle.

I was really hoping that with this new OS I would open my hard drive and see no files whatsoever, causing me a heart attack, stroke, paralysis, psychosis, schizophrenia and insomnia.

It's like you read my mind. How did you do that?

Wait, don't tell me. Just keep up the good work.

Helloooo Newman: Body Talk

Helloooo Newman: Body Talk: Someday I hope my ears can have a convo with my head about how they grow so much hair so easily and quickly, while my head seems to have for...

Body Talk

Someday I hope my ears can have a convo with my head about how they grow so much hair so easily and quickly, while my head seems to have forgotten the skill.

I mean, they practically live on top of each other but aren't on speaking terms. Reminds me of the time I shared a bachelor apartment with my girl friend and we didn't speak for a week. And over such a small thing. Still, I was right. She was totally wrong. I couldn't believe how wrong she was. Maybe we'd still be together if only she could see how wrong she was.

Anyway, ya, the hair. No communication whatsoever. You'd think maybe my head could pick up some hair-growing tips from the ears via the brain. All my brain cares about is what's next on Netflix. Meanwhile, the top of my head looks like the Arid Asian Steppe with a few insects engorging themselves on epithelials. 

Still, that girl was so wrong. If only she realized that.

I'd be growing head hair.

Helloooo Newman: Cutting the Cord

Helloooo Newman: Cutting the Cord: Scientists believe that within 100 years the umbilical cord will disappear and babies will be wirelessly connected to the mother. They warn ...

Cutting the Cord

Scientists believe that within 100 years the umbilical cord will disappear and babies will be wirelessly connected to the mother. They warn to be careful, as too much ice cream and pickles will mess up your wifi signal.

Unfortunately, it will be another 200 years before the connection is 5G.

Helloooo Newman: Social Media is Butter Than I Thought

Helloooo Newman: Social Media is Butter Than I Thought: Award-winning butter sculpture I was starting to think that social media is annoying, overused, full of idiosyncratic junk, even toxic. Rece...

Social Media is Butter Than I Thought

Award-winning butter sculpture

I was starting to think that social media is annoying, overused, full of idiosyncratic junk, even toxic.

Recently I read that, using this powerful tool, many thousands of people have jointly discovered that their butter is harder than it use to be, at room temperature. Together they are searching for an explanation.

So then I thought, you know what? Not so fast, bucko. Social media does have its uses.

Helloooo Newman: Two Impeachments in One

Helloooo Newman: Two Impeachments in One:  Poor Democrats. Doing all the wrong things for the right reasons.