Helloooo Newman: Phone Lines are Open

Helloooo Newman: Phone Lines are Open: Bad news, folks. Helloooo Newman's popularity is sinking. Fast. And we're wondering why. Think of our blog like it's a McDona...

Phone Lines are Open

Bad news, folks. Helloooo Newman's popularity is sinking. Fast. And we're wondering why.

Think of our blog like it's a McDonald's hamburger. Each article is made with 99.9% Canada grade A funny. Sure, there are some additives (lots of salt, sugar, fat, gluten, terrible for heart health), but essentially, it's a funny burger. A Happy Meal. Without the lineups and puke-stained washrooms.

But, there are other hamburgers out there, trying to go down better than us.

In light of this sad news, we at HN want your feedback.

We have two phone lines set up to hear what you have to say.

For positive feedback, call 1-800-NEWMANLOVESYOU

For negative feedback, call 1-800-IHOPENEWMANPOOSONYOURMATTRESS

Operators are standing by…

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO: Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, C...

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO: Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, C...

EIEIO

Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg.

My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, CRO.

In these positions, her blood type has been changed to OOO negative.

I am the EIEIO, heading up the animal department.

Watch for our quarterly reports, issued once a year.

Helloooo Newman: Dying is Easy

Helloooo Newman: Dying is Easy: Writing quality comedy is hard. People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they say I should only write what make...

Dying is Easy

Writing quality comedy is hard.

People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they say I should only write what makes me laugh.

See my problem?

Helloooo Newman: Days Are Numbered

Helloooo Newman: Days Are Numbered: I looked at a calendar today and thought, shit, my days are numbered.

Days Are Numbered

I looked at a calendar today and thought, shit, my days are numbered.

Helloooo Newman: Me Neither

Helloooo Newman: Me Neither: You ever been at a friend's party and everyone gets drunk and then your friend starts showing everybody clips from his online porn colle...

Me Neither

You ever been at a friend's party and everyone gets drunk and then your friend starts showing everybody clips from his online porn collection and you inadvertently yell out, "Oh ya, I've seen that one. It's sooooo good."?

Me neither.

Helloooo Newman: No Answer

Helloooo Newman: No Answer: French President Macron decries nationalism. His calls to Quebec go unanswered.

No Answer

French President Macron decries nationalism. His calls to Quebec politicians go unanswered.

"Hey Ernie, gimme two macrons with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles."

Helloooo Newman: Still Downloading

Helloooo Newman: Still Downloading: Downloading: The universe Reputable scientists suggest the universe might be a vast computer app. Maybe the reason the world is so me...

Still Downloading

Downloading: The universe

Reputable scientists suggest the universe might be a vast computer app.

Maybe the reason the world is so messed up and confusing is that it hasn't finished downloading.

Has anybody checked the status bar lately?

I imagine the software engineer like this: An ADHD-riddled teen in nothing but dirty gym socks (online Avatar is Facial Fasciitis) playing basketball with his sperm into empty cups of Yop and popping fentanyl out of his Pez dispenser.

The Universe: Yer Fucked version Zero.

Still downloading…

Helloooo Newman: Pursue Your Dreams

Helloooo Newman: Pursue Your Dreams: People tell me that if I have a dream, I should do everything I can to pursue it. If I have a dream, that means I'm asleep. There will b...

Pursue Your Dreams

People tell me that if I have a dream, I should do everything I can to pursue it. If I have a dream, that means I'm asleep. There will be no pursuing, except of more sleep.

Helloooo Newman: Masterbates

Helloooo Newman: Masterbates: Mastercard is offering a new rebate program called masterbates.

Save Your Masterbates

Mastercard is offering a new rebate program called masterbates.

Helloooo Newman: Santa Clause

Helloooo Newman: Santa Clause: I wonder if the elves who work for Santa Clause had to sign a non-compete clause.

Santa Clause

I wonder if the elves who work for Santa Clause had to sign a non-compete clause.

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Savings

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Savings: You know what bugs me most about daylight savings? Changing my sundial. Damn thing is made of stone.

Daylight Savings

You know what bugs me most about daylight savings? Changing my sundial. Damn thing is made of stone.

Helloooo Newman: Pain in the Back

Helloooo Newman: Pain in the Back: Boy, my back has been hurting these last few weeks. Putting my socks on reminds me of a Cirque du Soleil show. Finally, I found treatment....

Pain in the Back

Boy, my back has been hurting these last few weeks. Putting my socks on reminds me of a Cirque du Soleil show.

Finally, I found treatment. It's called acuPUNCHer. My wife repeatedly punches me in the head until the pain drowns out my back.

Helloooo Newman: Tapping into God

Helloooo Newman: Tapping into God: I'm recording all my conversations with God. Just in case there's trouble for me getting into Heaven. Might have to litigate. Don&#3...

Tapping into God

I'm recording all my conversations with God. Just in case there's trouble for me getting into Heaven. Might have to litigate. Don't tell Him.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween The Conway Way

Helloooo Newman: Halloween The Conway Way: Kellyanne Conway's kids have decided to go for the real horror this Halloween and wear their mommy masks.

Halloween The Conway Way

Kellyanne Conway's kids have decided to go for the real horror this Halloween and wear their mommy masks.

Helloooo Newman: Fruits and Veggies

Helloooo Newman: Fruits and Veggies: A new study, more important than any previous study, has concluded that there are not enough fruits and vegetables for everyone on the plane...

Fruits and Veggies

A new study, more important than any previous study, has concluded that there are not enough fruits and vegetables for everyone on the planet. This is not a dire situation, they said, since only about 9 people in North America eat fruits and vegetables every day. Six of those people get their f&v from drinking a daily bloody Mary and an apple martini.

Further analysis showed that there are enough Cronuts to feed every man, woman, and child, either dead, living, or to be born, plus the population of 6 alien planets.

Here's the link: https://www.ndtv.com/food/there-are-not-enough-fruits-and-vegetables-for-everybody-on-this-planet-scientists-reveal-1939397

Helloooo Newman: Wake Study

Helloooo Newman: Wake Study: Scientists keep studying why we sleep. I want to study why we bother being awake.

Wake Study

Scientists keep studying why we sleep. I want to study why we bother being awake.

Helloooo Newman: Recent Events

Helloooo Newman: Recent Events: Due to recent events, all future events are cancelled.

Recent Events

Due to recent events, all future events are cancelled.

Helloooo Newman: Spic and Span

Helloooo Newman: Spic and Span: I'm never sure at which point in the cleaning process I achieve both spic and span. I guess it would be useful to know what the hell...

Spic and Span

I'm never sure at which point in the cleaning process I achieve both spic and span. I guess it would be useful to know what the hell those words have to do with things being clean.

Who the hell chose Spic? "Hey Frank, what the hell should we call this new cleaner?"

"How about a racist and derogatory term for Mexicans?"

"That's new. Bold. I like it."

Today the more enlightened racists call them rapists and murderers. Rapists and Murderers and Span won't fit on the box above, and definitely doesn't sound like something I want to clean with.

Rapists and Murderers and Span: It kills germs, and your family. Tough on blood spatter too.

Span refers to time or distance. I never have the time to clean and the Windex is always too far from my bed, where I'm napping.

When I look at my bathroom, I definitely feel like it's in a state of spic only.

Maybe I should try Arm and Hammer. More of the hammer, though, since the dirt is a few years old.

Helloooo Newman: Daughter – Got 'er

Helloooo Newman: Daughter – Got 'er: I was eating dinner with my teen daughter and at the end of the meal she asked, "May I be excused?" in a really polite fashion. ...

Daughter – Got 'er

I was eating dinner with my teen daughter and at the end of the meal she asked, "May I be excused?" in a really polite fashion.

If anyone has seen my real daughter, please, please, contact me.

Somebody's got 'er.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween

Helloooo Newman: Halloween: For Halloween this year I was going to put piece of human skeleton in our planters. Then I thought, okay, too soon.

Halloween

For Halloween this year I was going to put pieces of human skeleton in our planters.

Then I thought, okay, maybe too soon.

Helloooo Newman: Homo

Helloooo Newman: Homo: Archeologists have discovered a new ancient human-like species buried in a far away cave called Homo Milk. The defining feature of this sp...

Homo

Archeologists have discovered a new ancient human-like species buried in a far away cave called Homo Milk.

The defining feature of this species is that they drank shitloads of milk (often with cookies). So much milk that their bodies developed lactose intolerance and at one point they were relieving themselves 24 hours a day. They are responsible for the lactose intolerance gene, passed on to Homosapien.

Speaking of Homosapien, archeologists speculate that this hominid is on its way out, hopefully to be replaced by Homo Genius.

Helloooo Newman: Dog Peeve

Helloooo Newman: Dog Peeve: When I'm walking dogs, one thing I really hate is dog owners who yell across the street at me, "Hi. Can my dog say hello to your do...

Dog Peeve

When I'm walking dogs, one thing I really hate is dog owners who yell across the street at me, "Hi. Can my dog say hello to your dog?"

Fuckin' NO. Does this look like a dog party to you? Look closely at my face. Do I look friendly? No. Do I look like I will bite you? Yes.

Imagine if people did this to each other.

"Hi. Do you mind if my husband says hi to your wife? He's so friendly, especially with women he's not married to. Careful, he's not fixed so he might try to hump her. A swift kick in the balls usually reminds him he's married to me."

Have nice day.

Helloooo Newman: Interest Rates are Increasing

Helloooo Newman: Interest Rates are Increasing: Canada is enjoying weed so much that even the interest rates are getting high.

Interest Rates are Increasing

Canada is enjoying weed so much that even the interest rates are getting high.

Helloooo Newman: Gaudy Arabia

Helloooo Newman: Gaudy Arabia: Great news from the Kingdom. No, not Heaven. Saudi Arabia. Women can drive. No permission needed from hubby, who's too busy fucking hi...

Gaudy Arabia

Great news from the Kingdom. No, not Heaven. Even mightier. Saudi Arabia.

Women can drive. No permission needed from hubby, who's too busy drilling his mistress for oil in the next palace down anyway.

Kind of makes murdering and "Ginsu-knifing" up reporters a little more…tolerable.

Later to be served as…Trump steaks?

Helloooo Newman: There is no God

Helloooo Newman: There is no God: Stephen Hawking, just before he died, wrote in his last book, "There is no God. No one directs the universe." He wrote this…just...